lost in my own thoughts.. unfamiliar territory..

2006-02-22T20:53:00.000+08:00

NOTHING MORE LE

.moved. at last...

2006-02-02T00:45:00.000+08:00

http://invisible-porcupine.blogspot.com

say cheese

2006-01-23T18:46:00.000+08:00

saw a 4A classmate in the bus on my way home. the conversation within the 4 stops was much more than what we said to each other in the 2 years of high school life.. all becaue i didnt juz 'pretend' not to notice the person.. hmm.. something worth thinking about..

all because i read that magazine before i went out.. some topic on feeling lucky and being happy and what not.. and i seldom listen to DJs crap over the radio.. except quan yifeng in UFM100.3 a year ago.. decided to do so again today and oh my.. the DJs are lame. VERY lame.. was laughing to myself while doing SUDOKU.. make myself so happy today.. and i ACTUALLY started talking to some classmates that i'm not too acquainted with... lolx.. and my astrology predictions tell me to smile and smile more today.. make myself happy with small pleasures in life. for tomorrow it's something similar.. well, hope i dun go all frowny again tomorrow.. if not i'll turn into snow white's dwarf grumpy the 2nd. lolx.. =D

2006-01-20T00:51:00.000+08:00

1 presentation
1 interview
1 napha
1 portfolio
1 appraisal
1 reflection
1 assignment

All by next Friday.

2006-01-19T00:32:00.000+08:00

Pessimism is put to good use recetly.. the attitude gets projects done at a faster rate.

and i still dun understand why it's so difficult for some people to accept putting in more time and effort so that something can be done better..

if u ask me, those who say that they have a simple mindset, or those that dont think complicated, are really the ones who act opposite. people who claim that they dont get worked up coz they keep quiet are those that have a serious peoblem with agression and repression.. well, i used to be one.. repression will ultimately lead to a more serious case of agression..

for goodness sake, juz express urself if u're unhappy. tell pple u're not in the mood to communicate for the day and ask them to leave u alone. i wont be affected. serious. coz i understand that conversing with a bad mood is bound to make both parties miserable. muz as well shut up.

well, it's my kinda weather as usual. consistent good mood. =D and it's good to receive compliments.. coz i feel great. projs tomorrow. Xcross my fingers.X

2006-01-11T00:59:00.000+08:00

Has been raining for days.. Love it.. The last time I checked, my mood is pretty good. My friends were complaining that the rain is the cause of their moodiness... This weather is perfect for some relaxation.. Ultimate enjoyment at home.. Somehow, it is able to bring out the lighthearted and calm factors that i cant seem to find in everyday life... the kind of day whereby an insignificant thing like a cup of tea is sheer happiness... and the fact that the public holidays all fall within these couple of weeks is a cause for celebration.. i'm able to sleep in till afternoon... the best thing about the rainy seasons that it seems as if day is shorter than night.. and i love it.. and did u hav a look at the sky? it's blurred and the clouds look as though they're fused together into one big thin patch that stretches across the whole sky... and the rain! oh.. i've a thousand and one things to say about rainy days.. but shall juz indulge instead of boring pple to tears.. and the reason i'm happy AND contented is coz i've finally finished my HTSEM paper.. so there goes another assignment.. next up is APEL reflection AND then the newspaper thingy.. looks like i've finally gotten back my illusion of control.. my very disorganised life seemed to get messed up at a slower rate.. now, even my paragraphing problem makes me happy.. lolx.. there's either sth seriously wrong with me or my mind kanna flu..

2006-01-09T23:26:00.000+08:00

Read Tina's blog and did the test she did.. lolx..

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.
You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.
In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

My mood:
You Are Depressed
No doubt about it, you're feeling very down. Maybe you've had a bad day, or maybe you need help. Either way, make sure to take good care of yourself right now.

You've done pretty well in keeping your reputation protected..
Problem is, no one really knows who you are! You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.
You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.
You tend to always dream of things within reach - and you usually get them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

true huh... especially the mood part plus the last para.. was online and someone told me to
"just tell every...u know who i am?...im pei jun...so dun mess around"
when i have difficulty getting along with pple...
so now then i know i WAS the boss... but then they ignored me.. lolx..

2006-01-07T23:47:00.000+08:00

SCV has never been so entertaining.. Watched SCV for the whole day and i never felt so good slacking.. Ekin Cheung and Gigi Leong ended their 7-year relationship... Well, I must admit he’s good. First is his 12 years relationship with whatever-her-name-is, then 7 years with Gigi... Imagine.. 19 years is not a short period of time… He sort of wasted his youth since the day I was born…

10 hours of TV.. now my neck hurts, and i am now regreting my 'brilliant' choice of time utilisation because i have a semester paper to submit middle of next week.. and the fact that i cannot remember what i watched didnt help to lessenthe guilt.. the only good is that the different programs didnt give me the 'wah.. lousy show, waste my time watching' feeling as compared to some local productions.. so at least i'm guilty of wasting time on a somewhat meaningful activity.

I am in a good mood today simply because it is a rainy day.. calms my disturbed heart and soul.. the best day I have for the past 2 weeks.. i hope the rain wont stop for the whole of January.. so as to keep me in a peaceful and undisrupted environment.. lolx... I promise i'll try not to snap, flare up or irritate pple... but i guess my mood is pretty much out of control since i'm in a PMSy mood and everything seems to juz crumbles and i don't even have the ILLUSION of control, no to mention being organised in my life.. well, i guess things have to go totally haywire in order for me to truly appreciate the good in my life. .okay.. what crap i'm saying again..

got to work tomorrow for the sake of collecting MORE survey foms.. shall try my best to not give the very 'fake' face when facing guests. Seriously speaking, i'm truly disappointed with myself for not having the passion to serve despite being in this industry.. the feeling of having to smile when i'm going thru a rough patch irks me.. and i find myself giving excuses for my behaviour.. but so long as no harm comes out of it, i'm pretty contented faking my 'sociable' self when i have to.. for the sake of working and getting my projects done..

Enliven my life... with aggression..

2006-01-06T22:14:00.000+08:00

I read about this somewhere:

"Silence was his escape, but silence is rarely a refuge."

I agree with this totally.. But I do know that it is one of my best survival tools so it is something i cannot do without. 150+ they used to remind me that I don't seem to have any emotions in the past. Not that I changed now, but they've learnt to accept me for who I am. They once suggested that I should try to be more like QY.. when I see them at the MRT station 3 cabins away, i should try to catch their attention by 1)waving frantically so that they'll notice me or 2)keep shouting their names... Sad to say, it's not something that PJ will do.. They know that if they see me doing that one day, it's either 1) the person is not me or 2) PJ has gone crazy..

So they asked for my reactions. 1) no reaction, continue my journey without letting them know my existence 2) use my phone and call them, duh.

Sometimes there's just no point in asking "u're going out ar?" when u see someone outside.. it's the same as asking someone "having lunch ar?" when u see them at the foodcourt or "u're using the toilet ar" when u see them in the washroom... for me, when there's no need to talk, just shut up. no harm's done. keeping quiet beats saying the wrong things.. and i always end up saying something that i dun really mean, wrong tone, or something that pple wont feel happy after hearing.. so i try to act upon this golden rule "There is no need to speak unless i can improve on silence."

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projeciton of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.. Still trying hard.. People don't come to see me be me. They come to see me be them.. and they never once put themselve in my shoes and see from MY point of view.. maybe i can expect people to be more like me...

There are 3 types of people in this world. there are those who have gd PR skills, those who always do PR halfway, and those without.. 150+ belongs to the first grp, JC is in the 2nd grp, and i'm in the last. Being in the wrong course has always been our fav topic for my TP buddies.. we all quite dislike socialising.. Personally, any exchange of information = gossip and can only be done when the correct mood sets in.. like after lunch or during gatherings..

and i hate the feeling of being expected to say something when i don't even feel like speaking..
hasnt been back to the temple to help out since before SIP last year. 2 things i learnt during the period:
1) You can't please everyone so you got to please yourself..
2) Not to walk in other people's shadows..
so just when i've been 'enlightened', i'm not going to compromise just because others are unhappy/dissatisfied with how i behave just because i am who i am..
-----------------------------------------------

sorry Tina, for the endless grumbles this week and a BIG thank you for listening.. and can we set a date somewhere early Feb for Yum Cha with Jo and Eve?
------------------------------------------------

my conclusion for this week's reflections:
Need to enliven life with more anger.
Aggression is better than repression.

2006-01-05T22:32:00.000+08:00

Out of luck today. Printer problem, then i was asked to stand near the lifts so as to 'activate' lifts for guests.. the EAM saw me all over the hotel that he stopped to chat.. on my way home, i took the wrong bus, got to walk for 15 minutes to the nearest MRT station, then kanna splashed by water by a bus.. u know i always thought in TV shows, it seems stupid that a person will get splashed by a puddle of water by the roadside.. and it's S'pore.. i have perfect trust in our drainage system.. that is, until today.. and why am i standing at the spot whereby the water will 'just nice' tio me instead of the lady standing beside me? not to forget i didnt bring my umbrella. and i brought a BIG bag to work today.. i almost fell, not to mention i reached home late. and i only managed to get like 2 surveys done. the targeted number is like 70! by next week.. how am i going to do so if all i have for working for a full shift is 2 pathetic forms? i haven started on my HT SEM paper, haven look at the APEL reflection thingy, didnt even know what to do for portfolio submission.. i think i have to submit 2 portfolios for 2 subjects.. but i dunno which.. k. end of story. bleahz.

2006-01-04T22:35:00.000+08:00

a schoolmate from primary 1 to sec 4, lost contact about 3 years ago, started a msn greeting with "jun, u goi to uni or not".. hey pple.. at least have the courtesy to have a proper greeting.. a 'yoz' 'hey' or 'hi' is fine... not start a conversation with a funny qn, especially if u never keep in contact for years.. i was so tempted to juz ignore her message... she said:

"if i online nv tok to u is coz i nv see u online"... i stoned for a moment.. ching.. u shld know who i'm talking abt.. i can try to not irritate her with all my rude replies and such.. i can try to tolerate all her crap excuses... but she gave me the ultimate:

"u are not answering my question... " i can try to accommodate pple's crap.. until they give me this. i am NOT obliged to answer watever qn she has for me..

i am trying hard not to let small things like this affect me.. but somehow i cant... she spoil my day.. first the grp meeting, then this... i dunno what i did wrong the last year to start off a new year like that...

i'm going to bed. NOW.

2006-01-02T01:18:00.000+08:00

This is the first entry of 2006.. I have a feeling it's going to be a great year.. better than the last at the very least.. Just because the first book i read got me laughing, twice.. I've long forgotten the last time i did that..

I need to reflect, fast.. so i turn to my favourite..
------------------------------------------------

Actually i don't think there is a need to blog. Just because of this:
'Can you prove any of the stuff you believe in?'
I know I can't. As in, all i do is to state what i believe, then it's up to others to decide whether what i say is bullshit, or true. Personally i feel stating my point of view is redundant since MY opinions dont matter to others and theirs dont matter to me.. I am not being selfish here by nt wanting to share AND not willing to accept alternative views.. It's just that showing everyone who reads my blog what i think isn't sharing simple becoz it's one-way communication and secondly, opinions change.

------------------------------------------------

'cave filled with stuff that people will kill for, which only goes to show you how confused people are about important things'
Setting priorities in the new year. Let's TRY not to get MORE materialistic this year (at least i'm trying to). in terms of improvements, look inwards instead of outwards.. for females, try to remember
1) that beauty is the icing, not the cake
2) fashion does not equal beauty, and never to be confused about these two.

-----------------------------------------------

i've tried to be Miss Understanding for so long.. that i realised maybe i've been MisUnderstood all these time... We always fail to kep in mind that what we see isnt what we are and what we were isnt what we are.. I dislike making resolutions.. but i do want to kick the habit of sprouting things that dont seem to make sense after my fingers typed the words out.. watever~

2005-12-30T23:10:00.000+08:00

2005 is coming to an end. we each have slightly more than a day to enjoy before we step into a new year...

raining, raining... ... before the new year...

2005-12-29T00:14:00.000+08:00

went plaza parkroyal for buffet lunch for the birthday cum anniversary celebration today.. the most exciting part of the whole meal is seeing a lamborghini parked at the carpark.. imagine, a black, nicely waxed and stylo lambor parked outside some 4* hotel's entrance.. and the entrance is undergoing renovation.. imagine the contrast.. lolx..

went for acupuncture today..in total 9 needles, i have 6 needles on my face and 4 of them were on my nose.. felt totally like a voodoo doll waiting for doomsday.. the 'doctor' lit something on top of 3 of the needles and i can see SMOKE coming out.. not painful, but a rather weird experience.. i juz hope this will cure my sensitive nose..

met up with Judy and Aishah today.. turned out Didi wanted to intro some forever living thingy to us.. but we had a nice dinner over at some VERY ulu part of clarke Quay and fun times talking abt archery crap.. i sorta 'weigh' myself with this Tanita machine.. it's so high tech the readings tell me info like my BMI, fat %, calories needed, Fat mass, total bodywater, predicted weight and fat mass, plus how much fat u need to lose or gain.. lolx... fascinating.. and i'm still trying to register that i have a total of about 26 kg of water inside my body, plus a horrendous of about 9 kg of fat mass.. i can already visualise 9 1 litre bottles of ice-mountains floating around me.. juz that they're filled with lipids instead of water.. lolx...

but after seeing all thse funny figures, i'm relieved that i'm within the healthy range.. *phew.. sweat...

i swear this scale is evil.. harmful to a person's psychological wellbeing.. even a non-health conscious person like me start thinking about all the above crap.. imagine someone who is DYING to lose weight, or become slimmer.. they'll go crazy analysing all these.. lolx..

i got to work tomorrow and i'm still waiting for the manager's reply for the survey.. it's bad enough that i belong to a low performance group.. it's even worse when the group is using my stupid proposal for this AND the fact that it's my proposal, i have to liase with the stupid company and COME UP with intelligent questions and sugestions.. damn it! and i AM the one doing the freaking surveys! just becoz the stupid organisation sets so many 'rules'.. and my grpmates cant contribute in this aspect coz it's my SIP company.. why the hell do they want to use my suggestion in the first place.. why do i let them convince me to let them do on my proposal? juz bcoz others dont want to go back to their company doesnt mean that i am very willing to.. alright... watever.. deadline in 3 weeks and i have no right to complain at this point in time.. CPM kinda sucks...

2005-12-28T02:03:00.000+08:00

couldnt resist not posting another entry.. this always happen at th most inconvenient timings, like when i'm tired and preparing to go to bed, or during the study week, even when i NEED to rush for some assignment.

it's my parents' 20th anniversary today, and my youngest sis' 10th birthday.. aint it sweet? to have ur wedding anniversary on the same date as one of your kid's birthday.. makes it even more worthwhile for some celebration...

and the fact that Xmas is just over and new year is coming adds on to the already overflowing happiness..

i have lots of things to share, but only 3 people to tell to. Me, myself and I..

please let me know if u're in need of some chinese inspirations, aka crap.. coz i have backup..

2005-12-28T01:27:00.000+08:00

I know why i like animes... love them in fact.. not all, but most..

Even animes like Sailormoon. dont remember hating it in Primary 5..

Sailor moon is so lucky to be a cartoon character. If i were a cartoon character, i'm sure i would not have any of the problems i'm having right now.. (NOT literally right NOW, but well, certain days of the year/s)
Even if i did, they would all be solved by the end of the episode..

and THAT, is exactly what i love about animes.. besides the part about being able to exaggerate everything in their lives and being absolutely nonsensical, making decisions with their hearts instead of their minds, being totally impractical.. and being allowed to do whatever that is socially NOT acceptable in real life... (like kicking down your bedroom door when u're pissed and jumping out of your window when u're late for school.. lolx)

In the event that any of you starts thinking that PJ is an absolute idiot at this point in time, i assure you i'm perfectly fine.. there is no need for me to visit the hougang chalet anytime soon.. thanks for volunteering to book appointment ya..

okie.. change topic. was listening to 93.3 this morning and heard this :
有些缘份是注定要失去的..

so to all my friends out there who are still nursing wounds, old and new, i hope that by the year 2006 comes, things will start looking brighter.. i know being pessimistic wont kill, but it doesnt hurt looking at things from a nicer perspective..

i know i'm not exactly a 'sharing' type of person.. but personally, i feel that since i've made up my mind to let go of certain things, should i just 'let them go' without harping on them time and again? i've been trying real hard to stop walking backwards OR staying stationary in life.. it's difficult.. i haven give up.. so i hope everyone out there wont..

okie.. so back on track.. why am i sprouting nonsense again? after slacking for so long? it's juz becoz 2 am seems like the perfect time for sharing, or trying to act smart.. lolx.. i haven been reflecting since ages ago.. xmas is like the best time to 'glance' backwards before i take a deep breath and jump.. into a new year.. i dunno about you, but i certainly wish for abundant happiness for all for this coming year.. and i hope good karma stays...

2005-12-22T14:41:00.000+08:00

helped YP with her work as a backstage person with the M&M shows last saturday.. the aussies love s'poreans guy.. they cant stop saying "he's so cute".. they seemed to think that s'porean guys are cute, cool and romantic.. alright.. i'm trying hard not to roll my eyes here.. they like this 'cute' chef who can cook, with horrendous hair colour and tatoo on his hand.. and they want to bring the guy back to australia just because he gave them discounts, and wrote some 'sweet' poem and send it to one of them.. one of the girls ask me.. 'are all s'porean guys so sweet?' hmm... at that moment, i have the urge to intro maurice to them.. lolx.. they'll be swept off their feet... and they'll bring him back to australia without a doubt.. lolx.. so they were telling me that guys who speak English cant write poems for nuts.. but they forgotten something.. that chef can speak english.. if not how else can he come up with some nice 'angelic' poem in that language? they repeated that poem for an entire hour.. -_-"'.. some winged thingy, halo tingy, angel thingy, pretty thingy, haven thingy.... it'll be sweet if they know each other for some time.. but for a guy to send it to a girl whom he knows barely for a week, there's somehting weird.. and well, THEY think that the guy is the best thing that happened to them in the entire singapore, for the entire month!! oh my.. looks like all the campaigns, advertisements and attractions that the govt came up with cant compare to some ah beng chef.. lolx...

okie... paragraphing problem, as usual.. but watever.. btw, the blue is not my whole head duh.. arbo i'll look like an alien.. it's one of the highlighted strands.. and i was told it'll turn to ash color after a while.. PJ is not as siao as u think i've become.. lolx

2005-12-20T23:32:00.000+08:00

I have had enough of the word 'calendar'.. almost everyone has been asking me about that since two weeks ago. I have one standard reply. 'Burn it!'

I've decided to intro some minor changes to my very (extremely)... peaceful... life. so i changed my hairstyle, dyed and highlighted my hair. then i realised that the only good thing about this change is that i haven change at all. i look different, but i'm still pretty much the same.. now i say tell pple not to judge by appearance.

should have decided on green instead of blue as the color inside. should have more purple and lighter shades.. regret being scared of my hair turning out like 3 years ago. should have sth really different.. whatever la.. i just have to add those choices in when i do touch up the next time..

PJ is not in her right mind. the dyes have gotten into her brain, causing intoxication. so she's poisoned.

2005-12-13T22:51:00.000+08:00

Here again.

Christmas is coming. 2005 isn't prepared for the season of joy. No magical feeling, no love in the air, nothing. I am used to the feeling of magic fading into nothingness after Xmas every year. This year, it's horrible. It's as if fireworks turning into stardust before they light up.. okay. i'm not making sense again..

I hate this feeling, this void at this time of the year when i should be happy, contented and sensible. Xmas should be the perfect end to this year and a great start to the next. that's why it's always special. the magic is gone.. or maybe it's just me that's not forward looking.. me that's reluctant to move on.

growing up, growing up. i am ageing, but will i be matured?

newspaper reading during breakfast is fast becoming a bad start to my day. i dont understand why i am still flipping thru the newspapers when i know that i dont need an insight to what's what's happening to the world to move on in my life. everyday, they have bad news.. they are mostly horrible things that run through my mind first thing in the morning. seldom will i see happy news.. they are merely reports of some successful marketing strategies.. if the papers talk about some foreigners having a wonderful marriage here, somehow i see it as a successful marketing feat that has been implemented by whatever companies or part of the govt's plan to attract tourists or create awareness.. you may think that i'm crazy, but i absolutely dislike all these crap. but i still read them nonetheless. so maybe i'm crazy afterall.

so, i dun really know why i'm posting this when i should start on my edu trip reflection. yeah.. procrastinating as usual.. and reluctant to sleep.. if tml never come..

2005-12-13T11:11:00.000+08:00

I have only 1 paper for mid-sem. This is luxury compared to all the other semesters.. 14 hours of lessons per week is haven if i have done 30 hours in the past.. it's like slacker by more than half..

and i have no idea why i agreed to use my proposal for the grp proj in the first place.. i'm going crazy contacting the company.. pple giving empty promises, they dont care what i am doing and i feel as if everything THEY provided me with (especially info) is like they're obliged to help me and that i SHOULD feel thankful.. maybe i'm wrong, but my grpmates saw the DM 'very nice' attitude towards me when i asked her something.. and that stupid George cant be contacted.. he's either out of the office, or out of the office. damn. then the secretary has to apologise and ask me to call back time and again, until she recognises me.. =X this is getting worse..

i have yet to ask ching for a session of KBOX, after wanting to for like MONTHS, and i haven watch that damn harry potter movie, after waiting for the show for like weeks.. and i haven got down to completing my stupid edu trip reflection, after making my mind for like days.. so the edu trip reflection cost me a dear $1200 worth of 1500 words and it's due in like 2 days time.. dun get me wrong.. the trip is still fun, but the reflection part is much loathed.

okie.. i complain too much. SHUT UP Peijun!

Rushing or Resting? Many things may not be what they seem to be.

2005-12-09T21:00:00.000+08:00

Many people may think that I am so laidback in my day-to-day life that the word indifferent is no longer suffice to describe my attitude.
To many others, I am rushing through life as if there is no tomorrow, making it clear that I have no intentions to slow down and take a breather. Don't ask me "rushing for what sia" because everything I do (or we all do) have a reason, even though we might not know it. So now that I've got my thoughts sorted out (some of them anyway), I’ll be 'documenting' them before I forget and also for the benefit of those who have been confused (or maybe not).

Basically, I've a slack personality. If everything can be put till tomorrow, I'll do so as I believe in living life to the fullest (meaning ENJOYING day by day) and partly if tomorrow never come, my duties and responsibilities never come as well (I wont have to do my work ever again. It's a selfish thought but well.. )…

Precisely because of this very relaxed attitude of mine, I've been through so many ~whatever~ days. So heck care that nothing matters so everything is no big deal. After a prolonged time, I realized I'm always feeling tired and that no matter how long more I slack, I never seem to get enough rest. So the most logical thing is to WANT to slack around more due to this odd weariness that is unidentifiable. Hence, I gave myself many a long holidays, to rest and rejuvenate (so call). However, no matter how long I take a break (no matter where I go, what I do), I don't have the feeling of comfort, peace, energy and liveliness.

So as usual, PJ waved this problem off as crap that she normally thinks about. Until I realized that for a person who is already resting, how can I rest more? It's as in I use white chalk and draw on a piece of white paper, totally not able to see the difference. Hence my conclusion is IF I want to have a proper, GOOD rest, I must first make sure my life is not in 'resting' mode all year round.

And I did it. My 'rushing' days are so, because I take into considerations that my 'resting' days are able to compensate. I am not rushing through life or school. I am just preparing myself for better quality rest in the near future. =D

how many times must i repeat? I am NOT a foreigner!

2005-12-09T14:40:00.000+08:00

Working life would have been better IF guests don't try to determine my nationality by assumption.

So, why am I saying this? Yesterday, this guest said: "You are very pretty."
(Basic courtesy) I replied "Thank You."
Then he went on to say "You MUST BE from China!"
so, when I told him I am a local, a true blue Singaporean, he said (as usual) "Really?!"
and because he looked as if he's expecting some very brilliant reply from me, I added "Oh, i got an oriental face." He seemed satisfied with the answer, so i quickly SIAM.

If only he can say "Are you from China?" instead. That'll make a whole lot of difference.

So, what if i really am from China, would they give an approving or disapproving nod? Or would i fit perfectly into the stereotype of 'foreign talent'? Talents who are 'imported' to do what locals do not want to.

2005-12-07T23:10:00.000+08:00

was trying to find the post that i remembered posting(i think) regarding this (i feel)more like me than me girl. but i couldnt, coz blogger only allows viewing up to 300 entries(i confirm). so the earliest ones get cut off, and i die die dun wanna set back the archiving(i refuse).. hmmmph.

wanted to see what i reflected regarding it but i guess i wont be able to do it.. anyway, my entries are getting boring.. so i'm seriously considering whether to stop or not to stop this irritating habit.. give me till the end of the semester. if i continue, that means bo liao pple can still get updates from my even boring-er life.. if i dont, that means i either disappear from the face of the world, or want to disappear..

will be back to work tml. to earn my allowance, and TRY my best to save enough because new year is coming, and i guess i'll have to find money somehow, to at least get a new top if i dont need anything else.. grandpa and sis's bdae coming too, haven give my mom any money since my last attachment pay, and haven get to changing my phone.. and i'm planing for trips, after graduation! and dont i need to save up for other purposes? like take up an insurance plan or something? coz i guess at the rate i'm planning my life, i better start investments soon. lolx.

so tell me. where do i get all the money that i need?! part time aint enough. i reckon even a full-time job cant cover half the expenses i've mentioned.

there i go again. crazy PJ. some day i'll drive myself to insanity.

CRAP, as usual

2005-12-06T23:53:00.000+08:00

had some sharing sessions during HTseminar lec today.. this tourism ger attached to contiki, was posted to Barcelona, Spain for her OSIP!!!!!!!!!!!!! imagine how jealous i was at the moment.. totally green with envy.. but well, i can always go sometime in future right.. but that makes the diference.. she WENT, for half a year and had a bonus of 14-day-tour of EUROPE!! seriously speaking, i felt like sprouting something close to @#$@^%$R but didnt. i really dislike comparison.. but it's like a once-in-a-blue-moon chance. once it's gone, it's gone, forever.. well, i just wasnt so independent to be able to work overseas alone YET. so OSIP hasn't been a choice right from the start.

well, the Macau sharing session makes me wonder (for a split second) whether i've really been to macau or not.. i know it sounds stupid.. but all i have is a recollection of memories, photo-taking sessions to be exact. not much of the WOW factor. so that explains why the average length of stay is only 1.22.. lolx.. so, back to s'pore context.. uniquely s'pore. how exactly are we unique?

tall buildings? nope. there are tallER buildings elsewhere.

rich culture? not really. the new generation wont be able tp upkeep the traditional festivals and what not..

multi-racial? even more NOT so. dubai has like 65% (or is it 75%) of the pple 'imported'. s'pore's 25% is peanuts compared to them.

uniquely shaped architectures like esplanade and icons like merlion? HAHA. pple have upcoming projects like The Palm and The World. icons like the 7* hotel. s'pore Raffles is insignificant.

dunno lah.. think until so cham i guess s'pore only wins in terms of great variety of food? hmm.. something to think about huh.. Macau has Macanese food! Malacca has Peranakan food, westerners have their fish N chips, HK has dim sum and cantonese food,... but S'pore has cleverly bring all these together and a whole lot more.. food paradise... yummy.that means pple come here to be well fed, when they're well-fed, they feel contented (provided they're not health freaks and super diet-conscious pple), they'll naturally feel happy.. when they're happy, they'll spend more, PLUS take back a wonderful memory. when they return home, of course by positive word of mouth, they'll share what a wonderful trip they have in S'pore. and wont that attract more tourists? lolx.. i guess i must be out of my mind, typing such nonsense in the middle of the night.. but watever~ i cant be bothered to make sense.. not now anyway..

watever. my fingers work faster than my mind today. guess it's from the intensive training of rushing a portfolio. all thanks to SIP.

2005-12-01T13:37:00.000+08:00

i'm so sorry.. PJ can offer you words of wisdom no more. I've left my old selves behind..

3 more major points to go before i announce my portfolio complete. i've been harping on the same old issues over and over again. i wonder if the lecturere get bored reading all those crap that i'm going to submit. and most of us have the same things dont we? improve this, improve that, learnt this, acquire that.. so boring.. *yawnz..

was telling my aunt, cuzzie and mom over lunch that i've been coming up with such nice wonderful and as-if-oh-so-great issues for my reflections and portfolios that i feel like puking myself.. so pple, in the IDEAL learning environment that the school has provided for me, i NEVER fail to improve and have PERFECT time management.. in fact, in words, i feel like 25 or maybe even 52.. so i haven been getting around to thanking my grandparents, my parents, my siblings, my facilitators, my managers, my colleagues and the nice weather.. even the doggie that bark at me is wonderful.. *rolling eyes*

but well, i do have a portfolio that i got a grade 'C'. my guess would be that the lecturer is honest enough to know that it's all crap that i've included.. but well, to show appreciation for myself, at least i bother thinking of what i THINK i have learnt, or OUGHT to learn to include in my reflections k.. so my craps are justifiable. okay. watever.

and i haven been to the movies for so long that i can hardly remember the taste of nachos and popcorn. plus i promised my sis that i'll bring her to the movies sometime soon. so how soon is soon.. am so prepared to die after meeting the DEADlines so i guess any other plans would have to be postponed.

2005-11-27T17:12:00.000+08:00

Back from HK!!!

5 days i spent overseas, 3 in Macau. 4 days i spent, having brinjal for meals.. but my table did well, we were the loudest out of the 7 tables, and we managed to finish all the dishes at all meals, except one. we cleaned out all food, even the eggplant. i am so proud to be living in S'pore when we dont depend on SEASONAL fruits and vegetables for meals. NO LONG-TERM EGGPLANT, CORN AND TOMATOES.

healthy living, but in a polluted environment. the amount of pollution is horrible. seeing haze is common. almost everyone smoke in HK and Macau. they get most of their pollution from smoke. they even get a free packet of cigarettes when they buy newspapers. nightmare for me.

the Macau tourguide is great. she's 56 and as bubbly and full of life as us. i've lots of things to say, like the heritage places we visited, and the buildings, plus the HK tour guide that the rest of bus 2 went googoo-gaga over, and of course the photos we took, the MTR we tried, the walking uphill, the weather conditions, the traffic.. but well, i guess there's no point in doing so here. so girls, i shall continue in the yahoo forum. see ya there. :)

2005-11-19T18:24:00.000+08:00

Was on my way to work today and these random thoughts pop into my mind:

"There wont be any social unrest here, at least not in the next century, because we have come to realise that whatever we cant get by asking, we wont get by rioting."

"We have great leaders, citizens with extreme potential, talents who are creative and innovative.. pple with that special something in them, who all choose to believe in FUTURE technology. "

2005-11-16T23:49:00.000+08:00

i swear i dunno what's wrong with my body system. isnt it a season of love, joy, and what not? all those fuzzy warm feeling that we all should have. i didnt know they meant something like a gift of flu or a season of sneezes.

i have a million things to do but my brain seems to have a mind of its own. the only thing it serves to funciton is : S-L-E-E-P. wth lor.. i only have 24 hours a day, i spent 1/3 sleeping and the rest of the 2/3 feeling tired. so i'm asking my brain. "w-t-h"

and i knwo why i'm tired. coz i'm still working. working in order to pay for my expenses in Macau and Hong Kong, working to save for my monthly allowance. have decided not to get money from my parents unless needed, coz i'm already like what, 19 and still asking for foreign aid. i feel so not independent. but independence comes at a high price. and i've traded social, physical and emotional wellbeing for it. what a nice way to start off the semester.

2005-11-14T23:55:00.000+08:00

i feel that sometimes, the only way i can express myself through this channel is by posting an empty entry.

2005-11-09T17:02:00.000+08:00

其实我根本不能确定我以为的爱情存不存在.
说不定那只是我的想像.
... 所以你担心自己多年来一直在追求一样不存在的东西.
为了避免落空, 就先和他在一起是吗?
如果你以为的爱情这时侯出现了, 该怎么样?

2005-11-08T22:56:00.000+08:00

finally, back to school.

i missed school life, not school. i missed the days whereby we'll jio each other to jups for a drink.. or biz park for snacks.. and ice-cream after lessons.. journey 72 home, talking and laughing non-stop...

simply love my timetable this semester. finally, one day off from school. those pple would love to change with me. thursday off. how nice for THEM to go clubbing. so slack that i really dunno how i managed to survive for the past 5 semesters.

anyway, our school sports complex is REALLY lousy, horrible as in they dun have lockers. they do, but limited. only a few, some were spoilt. all VERY small.. so if i want to do sports, of course i will bring a bigger bag. make sense? then they DO NOT provide BIGGER lockers. what's their problem man.. and noone can help to look after our bags for a short while, not even in the office. like wth. we pay so much for miscellaneous fees, then cannot get lockers. and we're willing to pay okay! so irritating. waste my time. complain to who? SAAD?

saw kevin at one-stop and he told me that they handed over. so i guess that means i am not supposed to go back anymore, or it goes to show that i no longer belong. (As if i ever was)

watever it is, i'm glad i joined, for even a short time. even when others are putting in 100X extra effort than me, even when i felt guilty of sharing their achievement. till the point that i felt luck running out.

this attachment brought me into a different phase. another part in life that makes me realise and NOT take for granted all the things that happened. maybe it's juz the passing of time, not the completion of SIP.

planning for the future. sometimes i wonder why we should. future comes one day at a time, and tomorrow comes, regardless whether i think about it or not. it doesnt make sense. or maybe i juz sprouting nonsense.

recently, i kept hearing Twinz (si xing bu gai) and William Soh (jiu ai hai shi zui mei).. used to love to sing them but i stopped. too much of somthing is irritating. juz like happiness, AND pressure.

Ms Ng called me to ask me to work this week. so they cant find anyone who is willing to work this week. so they turn to me. i'm nt willing to help if i dun feel up to it. why should i? money is something that i can never finish earning and my well-being cant be bought with cash. so why should i make myself tired, irritable and miserable?

i'm planning to eliminate unhappy things about my life from this nonsense blog. but i cant think of any happy stuff to write. be prepared to see many more empty posts in the near future, till the day i graduate.

2005-10-25T02:18:00.000+08:00

3 more days to the end of MY attachment.. FINALLY.. after 27 weeks..

haven been updating since last week due to the split shifts that cause the long working hours..

so, i celebrated my bdae (again) with Eve, Jo and Tina.. Thanks gers.. the cake was delicious and the prezzie a surprise (raise eyebrows). =P definitely made my day especially after kanna scolding by the mngr during the brunch..

today, work = tired. work 4-12 but i get to go off earlier to catch the last train. speaking of that, i am so lucky to NOT miss the last train at somerset for like 4 times within the past 3 weeks.. thanks to the one staying upstairs, or whoever(whichever, watever) it is..

did abt 50 pax for dinner, rev abt $5000. the turnover for today was so fast that i felt overworked. the table left, i clear, reset, then the host bring in new guests.. it's like never ending work and endless guests... there's 2 guests who came for CRABS! i was like o_O"'.. so we don't serve crabs unless it's the Sunday champagne brunch, which is a sky-high price for high-tea.. so the guest asked for their bill, which comprised of beverage order only. one S'pore sling, one beer and an evian water totaled to abt $45.. i was going like dots.dots.dots.dots.dots.dots.dots... you have to kill me to ask me to pay 45 bucks for water.

and i was so shocked, not becoz guests didnt tip, BUT HE GAVE A 5 CENT COIN! guests from LONDON give 5cents as tips.. *shrug
another dots.dots.dots.dots.dots... but i guess tiping was gd today.. definitely more than $35 for my station.. at the rate we're going, i PRAY HARD that i get like $25 for my next tip.. that'll end off my SIP nicely.. coz $25=1 day's pay=8 hours work=12 hours at the hotel.

2005-10-18T16:22:00.000+08:00

Being given the freedom to do what i want to do.

Basically, i spent more than half of my birthday sleeping.. then waking up doing whatever i like, for example slacking and doing things in MY speed. Today is as eventful as any other day in my life, just that i can sort of sense this sentence running thru pple's mind 'No kidding. she really got NO life.' so FYI, i have a life as real as u do, and the same number of hours to spend each day as u are entitled to. just that i'd rather spend it in a different way..

whatever it is, i find that it's a great day. fabulous weather (rainy), peaceful (with occasional rumbling of thunder), normal. It's kind of a strange feeling, knowing that even though it's supposed to be MY special day, the world stops for no one. not even me and simply because of this, i embrace this wonderful feeling even more.. sitting by the window, with a nice cup of coffee, taking in whatever that's coming, feeling calm. that's what i call contentment and how i derive happiness.

[I think i'm probably avoiding something pretty big in my inner life because I am keeping pretty busy]
It's not the quantity of life (not the many parties u have to go to, not the many celebrations and countdown events u got to attend, not the many pple you die die must meet..) but the quality of life.. This, is what i live by.

[The more enlightened we become, the more we can't be lived up to by anyone anywhere.
The more we learn, the more we'd better expect to live by ourselves. ]
so maybe this explains why i'm still single? lolx.

[Age is a matter of mind over matter.
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.]

2005-10-18T01:25:00.000+08:00

"Done."
"Done already?"
"I guess I wasn't paying attention."
-Everything happens so quickly, I feel sad to have missed it.

This, I wrote at the page of the last month of the year and it is exactly how i felt, feel and feeling.

So, before i end off this last post on my birthday, i have ONE question for anyone who's reading this.

"Am I independent?"

2005-10-18T00:59:00.000+08:00

I can't believe it. It's 18th Oct today!! I'm actually 19 years old!!

Only a handful of pple remember my birthday. So many thanks to those who do. For the rest, i can understand that to you, it's just another day of the year..

I wanted to get myself something but couldn't determine what YET.

My dad asked me what i did for the past year. After serious consideration, I guess the only thing i did was to age. Ageing gracefully is my aim but i doubt i achieved that. Pa told me that i'm still not sensible but he failed to realise that as i get older, the younger i behave. I'm desperately trying to relive my childhood..

Recently, i've been spending alot. Regular trips to coffee outlets is creating a big hole in my pocket but i'm having the best of time at this moment. Partly it's the start of the 'cool & rainy' season, partly it's my birthday period and also because attachment is coming to an end.

Wasn't expecting a miracle but at least i hope to get lots and lots and lots of well wishes. BUT... i realised (KNOW) i have limited friends.. Not really a very sociable people person.. So ..since young, my gd frens can be counted with both hands.. So it's only a dream. How i envy those pple who are remembered, especially on their birthday.. It means that they are important enough in another person's life such that even something as personal as birthdate is being taken note of.

Don't ask me what my birthday wish is. coz i dun have one. I'm too thankful for this life in this family that i have nothing more to ask for. It'll be a sin to want something more than what i already have. Talking about it, i have yet to thank my Mom for giving birth to me 19 years ago.. have yet to thank my dad for being more understanding and loving each year. Have yet to thank my siblings for accepting me for who i am.. and to whoever's-staying-upstairs for creating the bond that makes my family and i related by blood in this lifetime.. I KNOW i am lucky. I AM thankful for being so blessed, and seemingly getting more blessed by the year.. Or maybe i'm learning how to appreciate better..

Don't really have much to share this birthday. Last year i got so much to say but this time round, i guess the best thing to offer is silence.

ending 18

2005-10-16T00:57:00.000+08:00

celebrated my birthday in advanced with my family today.

went to Lee Hwa and then bought a purple gold ring. Singapura for cold crab and honey pork ribs. then bought some face care products(coz i think i need it) and also a top plus a skirt.

total spending:
ring= $433
dinner= $180
products= $180
clothes= $50
------------------
total= $843

last year was cruise as a birthday treat. this year this. how lucky can lucky be? and how blessed am i?

thaks to alv for the gift. received it today. =) thanks for remembering (though it's a countdown to 28th oct)...

2 more days to the end of it all. to the end of 18.
i'm gonna rain someday.. soon. before the end of it all. empty out so that there's space.. finally... and make myself a happier person..

laughter and more laughter.

2005-10-16T00:20:00.000+08:00

birthday prezzie!! purple gold ring.. from my parents.. together with a meal at Singapura (cold crab, pork ribs!!) and some clothes... ^-^v

2005-10-14T02:06:00.000+08:00

dying to share.

4) I'm an old lady who has known a great many problems, most of which never happened.

6) She glared around the whole scene of the place: dead and dreary, while falling leaves tried to cover the darkness, thy gave up and only followed the winds. It cetainly matches my mood.

15) Yesterday could have been the day before yesterday, or vice versa. I'd sometimes wonder what kind of life this was. Which is not to say that I found it empty. I was, very simply amazed, at the lack of demarcation between the days. At the fact that i was part of such a life, a life that had swallowed me up so completely. At the fact that my footprints were being blown away before i even had a chance to turn and look at them.

16) Time was just a meaningless number with no attachment to events.

44) Being indecisive. Look backward and forward and you'll realise the one place you don't want to be is in the present. You need a chance and you're running out of time.

45) There's something about me that pushes people away. Something that makes them look away.

~NOT the end~

2005-10-14T01:45:00.000+08:00

today is the 13th.. meaning i have 17 days more to the end of my attachment. minus the 3 OFF days and 4 annual leave, i have 10 days more. ONLY 10 days more to go.

frankly speaking, i seriously need to get a life besides counting down to the end of my SIP.

---------------------------------

partner with andy and fay at station 3 today. basically, i did minimal tasks since it's my 1st time doing 'outside' job for the full shift. did lobster bisque for table 21 today. 1st time doing the soup. the guests were so amazed that they clapped. i think i'm getting the hang of flaming the pan so much so that i have this feeling of not letting the flame die out. lolx. okie dorkie. back to what i really want to say...

--------------------------------

5 more days. or izzit 4 more? i'm so NOT looking forward to whatever's coming. what do pple usually do on their birthdays? eat? eat and eat? or maybe i should sleep, sleep and sleep.

the last time i felt this empty was a few years ago. last year was the cruise trip. this year? nth.

i have so much to share.. but all in chinese. for the past week, i've already read like 8-10 chinese books. more to go. this is the best time for me to polish my language skills, mother tongue especially..

-------------------------------

pple asked if i'm from CHINA, again. when i said no, they asked if i'm from vietnam. no again. thai. no again. they got this amazed look on their faces. "you mean u're a LOCAL?" i felt like rolling my eyes in front of them and saying 'ar then?

2005-10-10T00:55:00.000+08:00

Veuve Clicquot champagne brunch is on every Sunday, for $105+++ per pax.

So the media is invited, the marcomm pple, and SOME guests.. meaning, paying guests amount to less than 10. i 'pop' so many champagne.. that i felt kiddishly happy.. the kind of yeah-i-have-a-new-candy-feeling.. the amt of champagne pple drink.. by the end of 2 and ahlaf hours, i counted 17 empty champagne bottles in the kitchen, and more to come.. so i estimated it's abt 20 bottles..

FINALLY, 1st day out at the station. together with our dear Ahmad. 1st day working with him and i'm going *pengz. i dunno whether there's sth wrong with me or him.. he got to repeat, and repeat, and repeat, and repeat.. so much so that i felt as if i was listening to a tape that is jammed...

this table of 4, was nice and polite. they courteously ask for help when they need, thanked us for the food and everything, and even left a $10 tip. but i didnt get it.. another table told us they had a wonderful time and the food was delicious.. so much so for a happy day huh..

the best is yet to come..

i did flambé today!!! twice!!! pepper steak!!! haha.. 1st time round someone got to help me flame the frying pan.. second time round i need NO help.. and was SOOOOOOOOO proud of myself for able to lit the whole wok and pple saying 'wow', then 'ACT' as if i very pro, add brandy and red wine and and mustard and what not.. then flaming the pan.. haha.. gd experience for me. now that i know how to do this, next target is crepe suzette!! haha.. last time tasted the sauce my colleague did and was going- wow~ i want my turn.. haha..

3 weeks is like so fast.. i'm left with 3 whole weeks. minus my AL and off days, i'm left with like 2 weeks only.. to think that half a year ago, my attachment seemed like forever..

i'm lovin' the place more and more.. and the split shifts are giving me hell coz i dun have enuff sleep, but slightly extra cash coz there is a small allowance for everyday that i work split.. in other words, they are paying me to read books in the library.. coz that's where i usually go if i dun have any outing with friends.. great(job+pple)=happy PJ/K

2005-10-07T01:28:00.000+08:00

felt like forever since the last time i blog. anyway, time is just a word we use to gauge and indicate the passing of age...

i was asked if i come from China(hainan or shanghai), Thailand, or Malaysia. and pple kept asking me what university i'm from when i told them i'm still schooling. and i dun understand why they cant get over their initial shock of me being a local, and that i am under 20 years old. O-K-A-Y. i got an oriental face. that's why i'm in mandarin!

i dun think it's necessary to explain my family background to them and that my grandpa is a China chinese.. maybe that's why i'm being raised in a VERY traditional family-oriented family. very traditional to the extent that the "ranking" system is still in place. respect for the elders is a must and EVEN for opening a fridge, we have to ask for permission.. that was when we were young. my sis still used to do it last year. so maybe that's why i dun really fancy cold stuff.. coz behind that indulgence, comes a price...

----------------------- enuff of crap.. more to come..

got thru my 4th day at Top of the M... on my 2nd day there, i saw this wedding proposal.. so sweet.. the guy arranged for a bouquet of 99 roses to be sent and kept by us before he arrives, then the service staff will present the flowers to the lady before the meal.. the band on duty played "tonight i celebrate my love" and he knelt down and ask the question.. the lady said 'yes'. that scene put me in a great mood the whole evening.. and another guest was saying that he celebrates his 39th birthday 39 floor in the air.. coz the restaurant is on the 39th floor..

the restaurant is lit mainly by candles, and some dimmed lights near the entrance.. it's practically impossible to see the table numbers, especially when the number tag is about the size of half a passport photo and hidden behind the salt and pepper shaker.. so as a runner, most of the time, i have to walk round the restaurant in order to get to the correct table. and did i forget to mention it's a revolving restaurant? lolx.. the feeling of coming out of the kitchen and seeing different guests is so cool.. everything's so nice... the view from the highest point in the middle of singapore.. working in such an environment puts me in a very good mood, daily.. great scenery, happy guests, fantastic soothing music played by the band and most importantly, no crowd and passer-by.. even the split shift cant deter me from enjoying my training thoroughly.. the 4-5 hours break in between my shift i change and go to orchard library for some peace and quiet.. indulge in some music and a good book in a cosy corner..

broke 2 sauce dishes and stupidly used my hand to pick up the broken pieces.. the chefs were looking at me as if i'm an idiot and they reminded me to use a broom for goodness sake, in case i cut my fingers.. for a moment i dunno what i was doing.. so suddenly this song came to my head.. (jay chou) "... xiang ku, lai shi tan zi ji ma bi le mei..."

i'm tired.. so tired after waiting for 10 days for this off day that i slept for 14 hours.. woke up at 3 today.. the feeling of not having to be at Meritus for 14 hours each working day is cool.. damn those 10am-11 pm shifts.. but i'm haing fun.. if i could only minus the 5 hours in between..

tomorrow is saturday.. that means i'll be overworked coz SINGAPOREANS will be out, trying the new hi-tea menu at a discount..

dining at the restaurant is ex.. so ex that i can never imagine myself there.. 4 pax paying $1400 for a dinner.. how cheap can that be? that is like, my 10 weeks' pay!!

life in soft hues.. the warm fuzzy feeling.. fly me to polaris..

2005-10-04T01:06:00.000+08:00

[Don't fear any changes that are ahead, .. Even if you think you don't adjust too well, you have far more adaptability than you realize. Without change, life would become stagnant and lifeless. It wouldn't be long before you became dissatisfied and bored with the same old thing. Try to see change as an adventure and a gateway to greater happiness and fulfillment in your life. Trust more in your versatility, as well.]

haha... my astrology prediction for today..

andsth for this month:
[Lucky you, Libra, because this month a new beginning is possible. This is your favorite time of year anyway but now your life is about to take a turn in a new direction that is full of excitement and in alignment with your values...]

so true huh.. my fav time of the year with high rainfall.. and the pple at Top M is certainly woring hard and it's fab seeing everyone giving their best..

[The middle of the month will allow some of your dreams to come to fruition. Watch October 17 to 22 when the Full Moon Eclipse and other astrological transits trigger events that will have a significant effect.]

.. hmm middle of the month huh.. i'm so looking forward to it..

split shift today.. i work from 11 to 11.. actually it's 11-3, 7-11.. so i have a 4-hr break in between.. didnt thought that split shift working hours are so easy to pass.. the pple are great.. and i felt so stupid keeping my annual leaves till the last department.. no wonder all of them love that place.. i'm only a noobz there and i love it.. compared to Front Office, this place is like HEAVEN. i'm the one and only trainee there.. the NEWEST servie staff has been there for half a year.. so i can just ask ANYONE if i have any questions.. and it's so easy to talk to them compared to FO. it's the 1st time i speak so much dialect during working ours to pple that i met for the first time.. easy going pple who love their jobs.. maybe that's what attracts me.. i dunno.. they all seemed so eager to serve, so willing to help.. that i cant help liking the job.. and in just ONE day, i see the difference between the different departments.. from the i-see-guests-queuing-but-i-tried-to-act-busy-and-hopefully-if-i-dun-look-up-they'll-go-to-other-counters--face compared to yes-sir-is-there-anything-i-can-help?-i'm-glad-to-be-of-service-- face..

MEIYIN.. i'm sooo happy i'm there lor.. the pple are nice, can crap.. haha.. so lucky i didnt shorten the training by alot.. no wonder all of u cant bear to leave that place.. now i now why u feel so lost on ur first day at recep.. i can imagine IF i started off with F&B first, then go to recep.. sure blur! haha

tomorrow 10-11.. haha.. even longer working hours.. :) can finish an entire book by the time i start dinner shift! target: to finish reading 10 chinese books by the end of my attacment!

2005-10-02T23:38:00.000+08:00

last day under front office.. elated? you bet.

sat was horrible, today nightmare.. i've enough walking for a week. i hate celebrations at south tower. especially BIG functions that has an estimation of 620 pax! today a guy called Peter Sng celebrated his 60th bdae, inviting 500 pple!! wth lor.. why muz he announce to pple that he's old?

i've been walking, walking, walking, walking and walking.

seriously speaking, they shld build a travelator all the way from the main entrance to the south tower. and i have to 'escort' these grp of pple to the other tower.. imagine they kept coming in 2s.. damn it. cant they come in groups of 30 or more each time?

finally, no more 'training' as a doorgirl. i overhead this lady saying to her husband "i've never seen a lady opening doors before!" i dunno if i SHLD feel honoured being called a 'lady' or i shld feel sad coz pple see me as a door girl.

plus i really dun understand why s'poreans are so damn rude when I open the door for them and they cant open their precious mouth and say 'thanks'. will this kind gesture kill them? they look at me from head to toe and walk off. always like that. everytime they do that, i ahve this feeling that they percieve me as a secondary school drop out, no qualifications so i have to resort to doing this kinda 'low class job' that they would NEVER want THEIR kids to do. sometimes i wonder ar.. why do i study so much, get such good results, juz to open doors and say 'hello, gd morning?'

putting in so much effort juz to open a damn door and no one appreciates it. walking so much to escort guets to where they wanna go but no one sees it. the management only see what they wanna see. so they're always there when we juz happened to stand ard and chat, they always happened to be there when i'm so damn tired i dun feel like moving yet i have to drag my feet to help guest, put on that ever plastic face and greet them with a spirit so enthusiastic that i'll puke if i can see myself.

what this service world has become.. tomorrow is top M day. will update more.. 29 more days. 25 more working days. 21 more days to go minus my AL. that means, i only have 3 more weeks to go. official 4, actual 3. ending soon...

2005-10-01T12:05:00.000+08:00

i'm scared to move on, yet i don't want to be stuck at the same place forever.

i'm so tired i don't know what to say, and don't feel like speaking.

8 hours of standing is nothing provided it doesnt have any side effects..

2 more days to a new department.

good luck.

2005-09-30T12:30:00.000+08:00

i calculated.. i'm 23 weeks and 2 days into my attachment.. that means i would have ended my SIP after this period of time, IF i didnt start early.. BUT too bad i did.

2005-09-30T12:03:00.000+08:00

i've always love this picture. it's a picture of one of the skins from www.blogskins.com...
somehow it reminds me of me in a crowd...
been down to do alot of things recently.. and my recent e-log is so long that i couldnt believe the amount of crap i can generate. i juz sat there for hours and type away.. that explains the decrease in number of posts in blogger.. not only that, sth my cousin said sets me thinking.. pple are paying dearly for their freedom of speech on blogger.. being suspended from school, law cases and so on.. so really, if a private space is all we want to vent our anger and blogging provides for all of this and more, why are there pple out there trying to kill this anti-depression tool by which others are using to keep themselves sane? maybe it's the works of the psychologists and psychiatrists.. due to this increasing popular tool to de-stress, fewer pple are scheduled for visits to see personnels of mental health... seriously i wonder, is the world such a tough place to live in??

2005-09-26T15:05:00.000+08:00

There's so much i want to say, and so many things i want to do today.

Simple things like waking up early and get out of the house for breakfast, going for a swim coz of this horible weather, cutting my hair coz it's too long, singing at the top of my voice (that would be considered as screaming then, wouldnt it?), going for an eveining jog, meeting up with some friends for tea and a good chat, clearing my cupboard...

It's not that i am procrastinating. I'm not giving excuses here ya. It's just that there are things more important in life than these.. Dont we often read about trying not to miss the little things in life??

To tell the truth, i'm actually dreading going back to work.. So all i want to do today is to slack. slack my day away before i go steamrolling ahead for my last week at reception.

In the confort of my home, i sit watching shows the whole day, waking up late, enjoying brunch without worrying about being late for work, make-up-irritance-free for the whole day, and able to do whatever i like in slow-mo..

Indulgence-Life's greatest pleasure.

~Once in a purple moon sharing time~

2005-09-23T01:05:00.000+08:00

I always find myself thinking about other things.
That kinda stuff that would drift into my mind,
then it would grow and take off in a million directions.
After a while,
I noticed that the only thing that had gone by was the time.

--------------------------------------------------

A long long time ago, I've decided to live in a treehouse, or logcabin, or a small hut at some countryside when i grow old without knowing the reason behind that decision. Now that I am old enough, i finally realise why. All thanks to a particular author who said this:

I needed only to be at someplace where i could think straight, remember, and properly invent.
I needed the blessed emptiness of mind that comes from birgsong and dripping trees.
I needed to sleep at night in a square box made of chestmut trees who died of natural causes.

------------------------------------------------

I used to suffer a great deal thinking I was the only one in the world so lonely and troubled.
Then, I opened the door to myself and discovered there are millions of people just like me.
It isn't lonely anymore..
But it's miserable to be so ordinary.

-There's a hole in my sidewalk by Portia Nelson-

-----------------------------------------------

Soon we became afraid of being punished
and also afraid of not receiving the reward.
The reward is the attention that we got from people.
We soon develop a need to hook other people's attention
in order to get the reward.
The reward feels good, and we keep doing
what others want us to do in order to get the reward.
With that fear of being punished and the fear of not getting the reward,
we start pretending to be what we are not,
just to please others, just to be good enough for someone else.
We pretend to be what we are not because we are afraid of being rejected.
The fear of being rejected becomes the fear of not being good enough.

----------------------------------------------

Fire is generated by emotions that come from fear. Whenever we feel the emotions of anger, jealousy, envy or hate, we experience a fire burning within us. We are living in a dream of hell.

2005-09-19T01:56:00.000+08:00

felt like one of those trick candles that will ignite again after being blown off..

time and again i set my mind to do things that i thought i am capable of doing,
time and again i let myself down.

feel like giving up once and for all. time-sth that i love to read and think abt..

passing time, passing time.. it matters coz i'm always passing through time. backwards.

they say that the star u see at night existed 300 years back. that got to do with the speed of light and what not. right now i going thru time to see for myself this myth.

situations- they're the same everywhere, anytime. they dont change. we do.

crap

2005-09-19T00:14:00.000+08:00

- Celestial visitants, flying on spiritual not material opinions.
- Don't have individual names.
- Have intelligence and emotions.
- No gender, no soulmates.
- Telepathic speaking
- No sense of humour, but great joy and wonderful ability to laugh.
- Name itself defies darkness.
- Come to us in groups of 10 or more.
- Read our thoughts if we give permisson
- They are personal. Unless we ask, we won't receive.
- Ask for assistance from others.
- Can help with insomia and even fates.

-------------------------------------------------------

the feel of his spirit was too old for most pple to understand and when he walked by they would look up and say O, the sun went behind a cloud, or, the moon must be full. and so he walked for a long time by himself with no one to talk to. pple were so used to seeing him as someone to look up to that he thought they never really saw him.

------------------------------------------------------

did some personality quiz thru the link in ken's blog to find that i am:

introverted, irritable, feels invisible, observer, depressed, does not enjoy leadership, reveals little about self, dislikes large parties, feels undesirable, does not like to stand out, submissive, suspicious, emotionally sensitive, not a thrill seeker, solitude loving, likes silence, fragile, second guesses self, negative, unadventurous, fearful, weird, focuses on people's hidden motives, paranoid, phobic, dependent, cautious, avoidant, semi intellectual..

lolx.

2005-09-08T18:13:00.000+08:00

The ones closest to us, are the ones who get the full impact of fluctuating emotions.
It's always like that.

Life has a way to turn the innocent parties into victims.
Maybe that's why they say it's always better to give than to receive.

So no matter how i see it, life's a joke. Live with it.

2005-09-05T17:20:00.000+08:00

hello kitty polaroid pics

2005-09-04T20:39:00.000+08:00

QY's bdae celebration today.. at Plaza Parkroyal, as usual, for as long as i remember.. since Sec 2 i think..

food is fantastic, fruits extremely sweet. had my cup of cappaucino, as usual.. now that they've renovated the place, they added a chocolate fountain.. so i had a sinful lunch.. lots of pictures, fun and food...

QY's dad was telling me not to go into F&B or reception nxt time.. if i really want to go into the hotel line, try room sales.. good idea actually.. it's sth like front desk, minus the high chance of contact with nasty guests..

tried Chef Ho's newest creation, some sherbet.. it's fabulous!!! had the pineapple, lemon, orange and coconut one.. hehe.. plus the creampuff with chocolate mousse... arrrr~~ and the drunken prawns.. yummy~

all thanks to QY, it's another day full of laughter and fun.. the rest of the grp entertain us with their stories working as an extra.. and we were sharing horror stories with QY's mom.. and we were the last table to leave.. hehe.. plus we had extra food straight from the kitchen.. hehe.. :)

her birthday prezzies are all colour coded. used to be pink and white. this year it's purple. so she says that i was the one who influenced all of them.. isnt that great? it's such a mysterious emotional colour.. maybe that's why i love it.

another year has passed. send the pics to meow juz now and was looking at the pics we took last year at the same place for her 18th bdae celebration. we've changed. all of us. young then, youthful now. after her, it's me. next year we'll all be 20. another foot into a new phase of ourlives.

juz wanna take this chance to thank whoever staying upstairs for my wonderful life. good life, great family and friends. what more can a person ask for?

----------------------------------------------------

out wif ching ytd.. first to chinatown, then to art museum, the to suntec for the foodfair thingy.. once in a blue moon, i get into the artistic mood.

the things that matter, are usually subtle. juz like a whirlpool underneath a calmy sea, impact undetermined by what we see.

food fair sux, pple everywhere. i'm afraid i'll knock into an old lady, or into a young kid. i'm scared someone will knock into me and splash their bowl of soup or tipped their plate of beehoon on me. and everywhere i turn, i see litter. overflowing rubbish boxes, toothpicks and plastic bags on the floor, empty comtainers at everycorner. not to forget how bad the attitude of the pple was. tsk tsk tsk was all i hear. pple giving the why-u-bang-into-me-yet-nv-apologise dirty look when they're the ones who wasnt moving. this shows that they've nv heard of the phrase-you'll get run over if u remain still.. or was it u'll get knocked down if u stay still. watever it is, i'm iritated. but like what ching says, this is SINGAPORE. how can we ever avoid crowd?
anyway, i missed FoodHotelAsia. if i have the chance, i'll go again. but i doubt so

to add on, i was at the customer service counter in bugis this morning and heard this lady exclaiming that "how can u give customer service when u're so slow in attending to customers." so what she says irritates me to the max. so i told meow and BL that at my workplace, s'poreans are the fussy ones and most likely to complain.. so they want efficient AND excellent service.

i got no complaints abt the staff's service. polite, efficient and the gift is nicely wrapped. the lady is impatient and fussy. demanded for a free wrapper, and when the staff passed it to her, she juz snatched it without a word of thanks and demanded for the scotchtape, all the while grumbling abt how slow the staff there were and their service. so tell me. how can a customer blame the staff when the customer didnt know that patience is a virtue ad that it's obvious to everyone there that the staff were putting their best comforting a lost ger, locating her parents while attending to a queue of pple? y cant she juz wait for a few freaking minutes? our time is as precious as hers. juz because she bought some kid's presents last minute doesnt mean that everyone got to accommodate to her needs. she should buy things in advance to prevent such incidents from happening. when u're in a bad mood, dun blame it on others. especially the service staff. it's bad karma. what goes ard comes ard. GOOD luck to her.

2005-08-23T14:28:00.000+08:00

If life had a remote control, which button would you rather hit?

- Pause
- Record
- Rewind
- Fast forward
- Eject

============================================

i have been single for so long i dont know if i wll remain unattached for the rest of my days... (haha)

============================================

i'm plodding thru life in black and white while everyone else is joyously dancing around in garish multicolours.. =(

============================================

the 4 Cs i want:
Curiosity
Confidence
Courage
Constancy

2005-08-20T21:10:00.000+08:00

has been a long time since i started blogging.. used to love my entries so much i'd read them over again just to make myself contented. set up archives link so that others who missed out can catch up. wanted to do some serious reflection but realised i cant seem to blog about interesting things anymore. i'm nt saying that the entries were interesting but at least they're nt all about work, work, tired, work, sian, haizz, and watever. at least i'm able to say and express. somehow, words mean nothing and a blog is juz an empty space. i cant convince myself to let emotions form in nothingness and how am i supposed to tangiblise feelings? okay.. paragraphing prob again..

the two ways i can differentiate between an okay mood and a bad one is through the use of CAPS and exclaimation marks(!!!!!) and the other without caps and lots of (....).

so if i'm unhappy i can say "WATEVER! MAKE USE of the trainees!!!!!!!"
if i'm fine, i can say "watever lah~ it doesnt matter....."

so somehow, i can only imagine u pple having 2 images of me while reading my blog. no kidding.

so today's entry lack of "!!" and "THIS ONE". so there's no need to further elaborate on how i am today.

2005-08-15T22:47:00.000+08:00

i guess most of the time, i dunno how to be a friend. but anyway, dig up one of my quote books today.. realised that the quotes that i took down are those than i can relate to, somehow or another.. words that impact.. but maybe nt anymore.. watever it is, time waits for no one. the world moves on.

i'm nt trying to make everyone see my point of view.. i'm trying hard to convince myself too.. most of the time i dunno what i shld do, so long as i do sth... coz i know that change is the only constant. in order to move on, am i supposed to be changing or shld i be standing still? if i'm stationary, the world moves on, so things are changing. if i'm changing and the world is changing, maybe we'll always be the same..

saw this horoscope thingy that i think is true:

[all will be well if Librans dont insist on explanations]

it's true.. but why is it so?

2005-07-04T19:01:00.000+08:00

July 5, 2005
It would seem that your sensitivity is in slight conflict with your actions, peijun. You continue to go through the daily motions and do what you planned on doing, but it seems as if your heart isn't in it anymore. Don't ask yourself why. It's just that you have worked hard and have been thinking hard lately. You have reached your limit and it is time for you to rest.

all i did today was stare at the computer and type the whole hotel standards into soft copy!! and i'm left wif 2 more depts... she told me what she intended to do.. that is, to compare the hotel ISO standards with the standards i typed, den make comparisons and what not.. i didnt faint on the spot.

been typing, typing and typing away.. rather reluctant to blog actually.. but realised i need to update.. arbo cobwebs will start to form.. plus i'm soooo EXCITED to say this... M6 shld go, ASAP. i cant stand him.. but well, he muz understand that u cant possibly make everyone like you. juz like i now some pple couldnt stand me.. well, if u cant stand, den sit.

firstly, i need to give a bit of backgrd.. watched that superstar show last week.. and that person sang A*Mei's song!!!! is he a gay or what? why cant he choose some GUY singer that sounds a little like a female? why muz he choose a singer like A*Mei, who used to have such a powerful voice? and he totally ruin it!! if u wanna sing a song by a diff gender, pls keep it to the karaoke room or ur own house.. plus, he looked like Jerry Yan plus Sun He Yao Shan. and his smile reminds me of that SLY. OMTG~!! isnt he a walking disaster? we have 3 individual locals in the entertainment industry that CMI.. so here comes a 3 in 1.. isnt it like instant coffee or what? how i wished he's like instant maggi. juz 3 minutes and it's time to say sayonara..

been spending quite alot lately.. the clsrm session on sat was so-so.. still having communication breakdown with zhang wei... but the gathering after that was great. went cartel for lunch, den some window shopping, den kbox, and lastly to wach war of the worlds.. spent alot.. but real fun.. at this rate, i'm nt able to get the watch i'm looking for, the pair of birkenstock, new bags, jeans and more clothes.. i bought another pair of court shoes ytd.. plus another top.. and i feel at the top of the world.. frankly speaking, i do think i'm abit crazy.. why are humans so easily contented? when we're easily contented, we wont hav the drive to continue to strive for the things we want.. i'm getting more materialistic.. and bitchy.. i think if i let my 5 yrs ago self witness this moment, she'll faint..

and i'm starting to blabber nonsense.. this is what happens when u lose touch communicating with a computer after starting SIP, logging in only to post journal.

so is this a gd sign or what??

2005-06-27T19:29:00.000+08:00

horoscope:

[June 28, 2005
In your attempts to always be ''Ms. Nice Gal,'' peijun, you might find that you are compromising some of your own inner values. Know that balance and harmony is a wonderful thing, but it is not always worth the price of self-sacrifice. Don't become someone you aren't just so you can maintain the peace. Your powers of tolerance are apt to be tested today. Don't feel bad if you suddenly feel the urge to fight. Go with it.]

lolx.... hahahahahahaha...

counting down to payday..

===================================================

我们用尽一生追求物质享受. 但到达人生某个阶段, 我们往往发现, 最珍惜的也许是无法上标上价钱的琐碎事物. 像最初的交谈, 最后的拥抱, 最坚定的眼神, 最灿烂的微笑... 最美好的回忆..

最近读了两本张小娴的书.. 那时候的我才发现, 世上没有永远. 一般来说, 当一个人用"永远" 两个字,想表的是在那一刻, 煞那就是永恒...

==================================================

生活没什么大变化. 也许是我适应能力强.. 又或许自己是处于一个极度缺乏感觉的精神内.. haizz

after june 18

2005-06-20T00:45:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was good, today even better.

Forgotten alot abt ytd, juz remembered that i woke up feeling terrible..

Went back to sch for the ceremony, den my parents brought me to plaza parkroyal for buffet lunch.. v^.^

Saw a couple of my cousemates: huiping, eileen, huihui, patrick, trevor, qiuqun, evangeline, jasmine etc... and 2 of my sec sch mates like leesiah and joanne.. Almost fell asleep before the whole thing begins..

Totally didnt expect the marketing thing.. And i'm still wondering if i heard wrongly.. Izzit really marketing??!!! If it is, i'm extremely amazed. Marketing is one of the least subject i enjoyed. I could have sworn i fell asleep in EVERY SINGLE lecture and tutorial. Except once when i was chatting with eve over sth real amusing..

Seriously speaking, i loathe the projects. I hate the 4 Ps. So i have absolutely no idea why it's that subject and none other. And Mr Ram would know how sleepy a student i were coz he always caught me sleeping during his lessons, juz tt he's way too kind to embarrass me.

To think that i'm quite well-known for sleeping during lectures AND tutorials coz i have pple coming up to me and ask how i'm able to sleep thru the whole semester.. -_-"' How i know? It's a habit... Maybe tt's why they're shocked. i am too..

Went back to meritus for a trainees' meeting.. Waste my time.

Thought abt alot of things on my way home...
----------------------------------------------------------

Thought back abt how determined i was to choose the polytechnic route since day 1 in secondary school. The decision never waivers.

Thought abt how many of my wants becomes my needs hence they were like dreams come true.

Ms Teoh said "look for new beginnings when u reach dead end." This i think i have a lot to learn.

[There's a million things i feel like doing today, like cry]

Humans are humble by nature, that i believe. So ytd i allowed myself to feel proud, abt myself. Juz like i let my humble nature rest on the day i receivd my Os results, the day i received the best cadet award, the day i stood on stage for pistol, the day i was elected captain, the day i got my trophies and medals, the days i stopped arguments and quarrels, the days... Good, bad and ugly.. Days i cant seemed to forget.

Thru the years, i've steadily conqured hills then mountains.. Sometimes, i find that God is unfair. He's too good to me. I find Angels and Him giving me stronger wings to fly higher. Yet i realised maybe all they did was to cheer me on (i know who they are).. I made MYSELf stronger by exercising my muscles, spreading my wings and fly. It's sth like when u tasted heaven, u wont want to be down in the dumps, ever.

I was in the lousiest EM2 cls in Primary sch and being sort of looked down then and by the high and mighty counselors clique in secondary school. Maybe tt's why i dun want to be there again. Secondary 2 was THE year.. Pple recognised me for my consistent good results, sports excellence, CCAs achievements, equally talented bro and extremely popular friends.. And i'm a greedy person. I want to keep all that. Keep them forever, even if they're worth nothing- the titles, the wow~ factor.. Coz they made me who i am today..

In one of my very very old entries, i mentioned abt riding on pple's luck and fame. I'm still doing that. Maybe we all do. Some pple juz bring luck to u, it's as simple as ABC.

[Once in awhile, we need to let our wings rest and soar. Hence we ride on winds and glide.]
It's the same for me.
------------------------------------------------------------

Work was fantastic today. besides having a great treat at the lounge, i worked extra 1.5 hrs without OT pay, juz sitting there and chatting with them..

And i find that steph and i am the best partner. Everytime i work with her, i sure get tips.. haha.. Though it's nt alot.. Didnt realise till she told me abt it.. lolx.. So i really hope i get more chance to work wif her in the future.. :P

And today, i stood at the lounge watching this interview with MM Lee.. Was so inspirational that i was rendered speechless.. lolx..

he mentioned sth tt reminds me of life...
"we can only play with the cards that we have in our hands"
so i think: isnt tt a splendid example of luck?
isnt tt what we call destiny? aint tt adaptation?
so am i wrong when i say i think success is 95% luck and 5% hardwork?

he said sth like he is lucky to have Singapore. imagine being born in Africa. what can he do? that's the same case for many of us.. if u're born with a silver spoon in ur mouth, u can talk abt being entrepreneurial and starting a new business. if u're born having to worry abt ur next meal, would u still think of having a new concept restarant in paragon? or designing clothes for fashion shows? or even winning the lottery?

=====================================
END OF STORY.
=====================================

2005-06-18T01:47:00.000+08:00

this is what i love about the reception area.. the mirrors!! it's tinted.. lolx.. take a close look at the "vase" of "plant" at the extreme left.. it's what the DESIGNER came up with.. anyway, the pink and white vase and the round plate on the right is also by the same designer.. wonder why the decor is so diff..

2005-06-18T01:37:00.000+08:00

this is the club flr reception desk i'm currently "working" at...

many things in life are fated

2005-06-17T02:37:00.000+08:00

i seriousy think that electronic devices and i cant get along well. in fact, we cant even co-exist.

the keycard laptop is down, the fax machine got prob, i kept forgetting to charge my hp, the plasma tv in the lounge cant change channel coz the control is missing, and the com at home hates me.. everyone else in my family seems to be able to operate the com but not me. there is a time limit of abt 10 mins b4 the com "hangs itself" and usually it happens when i'm the one using.. so i cant check mail and cant blog for days.. but that's as well.. work is taking up too much of my time.

btw, i lost the anklet char and jas gave to me last yr.. wore it to work and took it off.. i cant find it in my bag nor the locker so it's sayonara i guess.. too bad..

called jas to ask for my blazer back coz my cousin wants to borrow from me. i "politely and conveniently asked" her abt the money she owed me. and was kinda pissed with her reply..

i dun like money talk coz it strains the frenship (provided if there is any left) and it's quite an awkward topic to end with.. she told me she can return me the blazer and shoes the following night coz she can go over to timo's house to collect but the money she got to contact her friend to get the money to return me!!! like wth lor.. freaking irritating.. it's already quite embarrassing for a friend to remind u that u have outstanding loans to be paid ASAP.. that shows how forgetful and irresponsible u are.. plus the "ask frm fren to return me my money so i can return u" part makes me wonder if she even have a "little" savings.. and if she's really broke, cant she borrow from her mom first? i really have NO idea.. she insisted that she return me the blazer and shoes FIRST, den talk abt money later.. but i aint gonna do that.. coz i got a VERY strong feeling that later means never.. so i told her to return me ALL 3 items TOGETHER, the blazer, shoes and money.. but she was reluctant.. by then i was freaking irritated.. i told her to contact her fren, and get back to me latest by friday and i wanna hear from her by then. loathe it when pple do the damn disappearing act on me time and again, den give a whole load of excuses and crap. and i'm nt sorry to bring up past incidents while dealing with the present situation. watever it is, i'll get EVERYTHING from her by next week. case closed.

met shini at the train station on my way home today. it's already abt 12 midnight when we reached Hougang.. the 1st thing she said when she saw me was to comment that i look fairer.. of course i am, 2 months without vitamin D takes a whole lot of pigment off my skin..

right now, i juz want to get those damn mgtmnt faces out of my mind.. they're somehow haunting me coz i kept thinking how much i dislike them and why they're not among the 200 to go.. and i see them everyday, coz when they hav nth to do, they come to the new lounge. when they hav things to do, they come to the lounge too.. and when they're there, they make life difficult for all of us. they pinpoint things that are not soothing to THEIR eyes, they give sugegstions that we ALREADY THOUGHT OF, and make remarks that we have NO CONTROL over.. i think most of them sort of hate me but i dun blame them. i dun like ALL of them either..

and i got a feeling i'm going to get diabetes at the rate i'm eating mentoes.. and i got to go back for a trainees' meeting with the front office manager on my off day!

and i'm so fortunate the management works during office hours.. this is the first time i'm SO grateful to be in the afternoon shift!! talking abt this, it's the 1st time in a month that i'm working afternoon shift!!! say goodbye to the rush hour..

anything u resist, persist

2005-06-06T22:46:00.000+08:00

came across this before and thot it makes no sense [anything u resist, persist] . now it does.

has been 2 weeks after concierge and more than one and a half months into SIP. had some really enjoyable times, some not-so-terrible occurances and i get along with the pple well... overall, it's okay but somehow, something is not right.

was thinking if i didnt pay as much attention to that inner voice, or i'm juz doing another of that closing-in acts.. came to a conclusion that it's all becoz of insufficient rest and repressed impulses.. so i did some changes to my life.. spent money without feeling anything. i carry the words of "heartache" on my mouth yet i cant feel any pain. i thought the more i spend, the more guilty i'll feel. but i was wrong. usually when i go on a shopping spree, i'll unpack all the things and tk a look at everything again. this time, i juz chuck them in the cupboard. things dont seem to matter.

slept for close to 14 hours. wake up feeling normal. went shopping with my mom at chinatown and walked to SGH to visit my grandpa. since that day i've been trying to remember his age but i couldnt recall. is it 80? 82 or 85... making trips to the hospital makes me feel sick. mom met her cousin there. her cousin's husband dying of cancer. last stage. incurable..

to me, it's nth. pple come, and go. it's juz a matter of time. and the strange feeling is still there. the methods i tried didnt help.

we put them on. it doesnt help us to be a better person. only more self-centered. sometimes, we must have less in order to be more.

2005-05-29T22:27:00.000+08:00

watched infernal affairs juz now... remembered i posted an entry about that last time.. so i retrieved it..

[ In the end, both the good and the bad died. they ended up killing each other.

fate makes it such that their lives are inter-linked.

pple who want to be good. they sacrifice to be bad so that they can be good.

black and white. scheming against one another. dont they know that there are grey areas? ]

till now, i still agree. i love the story line. i like tony leung even more.. the characters suit the actors so well that it is as though the scriptwriter customed a movie specially for them. and i cannot think of 2 other actors more suitable to act the younger version of andy and tony.. shawn yu and edison chen.. together, they make the transition between old and young so seamless.. and since that time i watched the show, i am in love with that cai qin's song..

good and bad. isnt it all on the surface? we see only the surface. and i wonder how sammi actually felt when she knew the truth about andy.. only he himself knows..

andy talks about choices.. zeng zhiwei said "you all are allowed to choose. choose the life you all want." he followed. so is he good or bad when he worked for him for close to 10 years but killed his "boss" with his own hands in the end?

or maybe he's scared. when we're afraid, we do things that we dun think we will under normal circumstances.. and when we lie, maybe we're saying the truth.

and i still think infernal affairs is so much better than dou yu (part 1)..

tml is the start of a new department.

gdluck to myself.

hate it coz it's part of me

2005-05-29T00:05:00.000+08:00

it was my bro's birthday. on the 28th may. 3 years ago, on the exact same date, i sat for the O level chinese papers. 3 years later, i'm witnessing my siblings studying for the chinese paper on monday. kiss goodbye to memories..

logged on to friendster just now. realised a lot of changes. maybe i've drifted from the world. from my world. or maybe from the world of my friends.

i've learnt that apologising does no help, and what is done is done.

i cant say sorry to those people whom i HAVE NOT been in contact for donkey years.. i cant seem to find a valid reason to attach to this bo-xim-ness personality of mine. or rather, a valid excuse. if i cant even convince myself, what good can it do for others..

to elaborate on that, i've decided to bring in a very appropriate example: my old pal jas.

there's this saying " You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself." this applies. maybe not hate but rather, intense dislike.

i've been bearing this "grudge", sometimes even to the extent of putting the extire blame on her for not keeping in touch after so long, for always disappointing me during the outings with either ching or char and spoiler by bringing tempura maki along, plus forever ditching us if she got other plans.. used to dislike it so much i can feel my blood boil.

and silly me realised, today, that actually i hate that aspect of her becoz i see it in me. take away the tempura maki part and it's me over again.

some friends are no longer in contact bcoz i haven put in any effort to maintain the friendship. on my part, i did nothing except putting blame on others like decorating the xmas tree. i know it's a super bad habit of mine to juz take a sit back and relax attitude and wait for all good things to drop from the sky, to wait for all nice people to take the initiative when i could have easily done that myself. i never. i think i am able to live my life that way forever, waiting only for friends who think i am worthy of their friendship to keep in touch. but i was wrong. i CAN live my life THAT way, but do i? am i willing to do so?

now, i face a mega challenge. sch started last week and most of my friends are on SIP. maintaining a friendship needs constant effort on the part of both parties. do i have the energy to sustain that vast amt of effort that is needed, desperately? am i able to even complete my SIP AND meet up with friends on a consistent basis? the only thought i have when my off day is near is to juz have a good rest so i'm all ready to go again the next working day. i try not to be tired coz that's when the mood swing periods hit. and if i'm nt in tip-top condition, how am i able to live my life?

back to the topic. there are times where i live my day without thinking or feeling the need to contact pals.. often, it's because 5 years ago seemed like last week and yesterday seemed like 5 years ago.. i have a problem with time perception. some memories i hold dear, the time period that they are in seems nearer. memories that are vague, the time period seems so long ago..

i need constance reminder on keeping in touch. i dun think i need self help books. they dun really help.. i need to revamp my wardrobe together with my life.

i was PJ, now PK.

for friends who keep a lookout for new entries in my blog, thank you very much for updating urself with my life. (sounds like pj all over again.. -_-"') if i've nt been keeping in contact with u, pls yell at me the next time u have the chance to. THANKIE!!

Everything starts with yourself. with you making up ur mind abt what you're going to do with your life..

2005-05-19T23:44:00.000+08:00

signed in to the counter thingy and found this person's (who came across my blog) blog. he said:

[ Due to (kinda) popular demand (okay, I'm lying), my checklist for the right girl:

1. Nice skin, long hair, pretty eyes.
2. Sociable and genuinely funny
3. Naturally kind to humans and animals
4. Loves children
5. Smart enough to see through my lies
6. Confident enough to love being in her own skin
7. Patient enough to understand my personality
8. She makes it remarkably difficult for me to win her affection
9. She makes me want to be a better person

Looking at the list, it's as though I want to be single all my life. ]

well, he can jolly well be. good luck to him and amen.

sjab gathering.

2005-05-08T00:18:00.000+08:00

i am grateful for this much awaited rest day and having a great time despite the meal that ripped twice across my heart.

as expected, the so-called SJAB gathering turned out to be the F4E1 outing. i "met up" with pple that i have the faintest idea about. besides having a 1 sentence conversation (if u call that a conversation) with a senior that i remember but dunno, i never even speak 1 word to any other except those handful from my batch.. kelly was late for 2 and a half hours!!(AS USUAL)

i do agree the whole ambience and decor is great, but the food is totally not to my liking. i am a junk food kinda person. i hate counting calories. the menu items are all printed with the amount of calories beside them. what a healthy lifestyle. and the vegetarian items on the belt are so much more than the NON-vegatarian items.. and i hate it so. even the sugar is the "healthier choice", calories and fat free.

i hate it so. we all do. we were complaining that we could have 2 meals of swensens with that amount of money we spent. or 2 days of kbox. and i have to work 2 days to cover up the cost.

they commented that we are as noisy as we were. and i'm glad about that. we gossip about the same pple that we did 7 years ago. we discussed the same topics as we did then. but it was still as fun.

with diff pple, we all behave differently. from the second we see each other, we never stop chatting. with some other friends, i can observe silence yet feel comfortable. with the 3 other loud kakis, all we do is talk. we never stop.

i'm NOT going to the next sjab outing. especially one that our dear mr WL organises. so far, he hasent hav any great ideas. and the reason why HE chose that restaurant is that his gf works there. the few of us got the feeling of being used. but well, forget it. this will be the first and the last time. plus the only memory i want to keep are those that doesnt involve them.

last but not least, happy bdae to our ah-meow. the oldest yet the youngest.

1 entry.

2005-05-07T12:48:00.000+08:00

a million things happened. within a few days. felt as if the world is going the other way round and my mind is in a swirl.

first, the official start of my attachment.
second, dad going overseas.
third, the death of Dr Wee kim wee.
forth, the coming mother's day.
fifth, sjab gathering.
sixth, YP's bday.
seven, my grandma's death anniversary.
eight, feeling unwell.

5 days the nation spent, saying goodbye to the pple's president of s'pore. 2 days later, we'll be celebrating the much awaited day for mothers. this is the best example that life can be. showing that no matter what happens, life has to go on. regardless of the grief, the pain, the sorrow and the misery, time stop for noone. even a much loved, much respected man.

his death brought about memories. memories of my grandma's death on mother's day on my first high school year. memories of her not able to see the millennium. memories of how much she resembles the late Dr Wee. loved and respected, kind and caring, patient and generous... feelings that u know are like ripping a wound before it heals. stories like this, will never be a legend.. at least to me.

was reading the papers and wondering. why am i not able to meet this wonderful man in the past? frankly speaking, i have the vaguest memory of him. i barely remembering him being a president, doing what the papers claimed that he did. but i just believe. that what they said is true. many head of states are being respected. but not many are loved by the people. that's true. so true. to touch the life of one is difficult enough. to touch the lives of thousands and thousands. it's barely possible. but he showed, that miracles happen.

and where can you find someone who can send you 600 letters in ur lifetime? who is able to rank and remember ur 10 favourite songs? someone who is able to sustain love for 69 years? in this lifetime, the pple of s'pore is fortunate. we witnessed magic. and fantasies that come true.

when i'm gone, if i'm able to touch the lives of 5 pple, i'm contented. if 10 strangers attend my wake, it's good enough. so i'm asking myself. is it only when you're gone for good, den pple start remembering all that you've done? start appreciating what you did, start acknowledging your contribution for their change for the better? and is that the only time when pple really forgive what they can never forget when u're still alive and kicking? is that really the time when grudges are gone with the wind like ash?

reading about great things by great man. what good can that be? it's like reading about how someone broke the world record in olympics. we cant fully understand what goes behind the scenes.. we see the glam and glory. only.

只想给自己一个 Happy Day.

2005-05-01T16:32:00.000+08:00

只想给自己一个 Happy Day.

and i did it!

went yum cha with eve, jo and tina. had such a fun time laughing and crapping and eating and ordering and gosipping and joking..

the queue was long but the place was surprisingly nice, despite it being in the middle of nowhere and above so many similar shops in chinatown.. i like the layout of the restaurant. it's not like xingfuyingcha whereby the whole place seemd "open."

the Chrysanthemum tea was nice and the bao (pi) was nice.. the dimsum was good. haha.. very long nv had such a fun time le. plus the table calling equipment was working great.

walked ard the small shops of chinatown. and wasnt i amazes to find so many fascinating stuff. things that u wont be able to find in paragon and heeren. not even in far east. lolx..

standing in the middle of chinatown while enjoying coconut water was a total different experience.. the juice taste juz great with the blazing sun.

walked ard the area (cant name the places) and had a shooping trip totally different from the usual walkwalk ard town. our last stop was at OG. called home and my dad fetched me home frm the train station. came home to find my mom cooking pepper crab!!! well, what a feast.

that's why i said i did it.

tml will be back to makeup, uniform, bun hair, stockings and court shoes. bleahz. =(

TGIF

2005-04-30T17:53:00.000+08:00

i may seem stupid, but i'm not dumb since i'm nt the only one who felt that way.

i think by now, someone already got the hint from the chain reactions and is trying to avoid problems..

heard frm the rest of them that there's a warehouse sale going on near killiney road for loreal, maybelline and garnier products.. so cheap that they bought so many things.. and DKNY having sale. 80%!! that's what they said. i dunno abt it. too tired to go anyway.

i'm not in a mean mood today. that's why i nv do stupid things like calling them when they were playing the game of run and seek.

i've decided to blow my one first month allowance when i get it. minus my transport fee of course. arbo i'll be running deficit.

anyway, was calculating savings on my way home. i guess the scorching sun sort of burnt my brain.

scenario: i'll go out to work once i graduate. meaning, i'll complete my diploma before i even reach 20. that implies that at the tender age of 19.5, i'm out in the work force. taking a 15 years working period, if my average monthly salary is about $1200 (minus transport), i SHOULD BE able to save $500/mth.

here's the calculations:
$500/mth=$6000/yr
$6000/yr=$90,000 in 15 years time

ignoring interest and other investments (at age 35) if i'm lucky enuff, i'll be able to save $100,000...

that means, i cant even afford a 3-room resale flat!

i'm taking the assumption such that i want a one time payment. not monthly CPF deductions to pay by instalments. if by miracle this is possible, tell me where to get the money for renovations, furniture, electronic appliances, necessities and housewarming??!!!!!

if by miracle (again) all these are made possible one way or another, then i guess i SHOULD BE able to live comfortable when i reach 55, which is also the age where CPF comes into gd use. lets say i retire at age 63. the amount of money would be able to last me for another 10 years or so.

so juz a thought. if i spent all my money at age 70, can i request for an early death? i'll promise to make advanced guaranteed booking and apply for the relevant permits and visas...

2005-04-27T18:08:00.000+08:00

classroom session for SIP scheduled at the clash timing that i dislike so much..

to make matters worse, i got the tutor that i always have communication breakdown with. how great. and the best thing? the ALO is someone that i dun even recall seeing. wish me luck pple.

saw the Lancome perfume that Viy was looking for that time. walked past and the colour caught my eyes. so hope viy could go back and take a look plus reconsider getting it. if i'm nt wrong, the smallest bottle is $58/=. haha

SJAB gathering coming up. next week. but i dun think i'm able to go. poor me. not being able to meet up with my clique is one thing. seeing the seniors and the rest of the loggerheads gang is another. poor me. not able to gossip, to share, and to slack.

to see the seniors, and proudly proclaim my "love" for the course.(*pui) elaborate on how VERY interesting the subjects are. how wonderful the SIP is and how the whole 2 years have been a fantastic experience for me. that is, just to make them jealous. they thought i'll go into biomed or some other bio-thingy related courses.. by then, i guess their "yaya" attitude shldnt be dominant. and may they regret how WELL we've been treated. i dun really dislike them. i'm juz not very fond of them. but maybe they're the same.

maybe the whole thing is coincidental. coz if i really meet up with them, i guess i'll either fall asleep when they're updating me about their lives, or discuss my life without letting them cut in. (not that i'm trying to be rude. if i sleep, it's either i'm too tired, or their conversation is way too boring. if i talk about myself, i'm just trying to open up and "blend in"..)
watever it is.

i tell u, a whole day without makeup is FANTATIC. MARVELOUS. GREAT!!!

okay. i need to save up 50 bucks. fast.

the DJs are talking about the population in China. by 2030, they will have about the size of a Singapore full of guys that are not able to have a partner. meaning, the ratio of guys compared to girls is way too different. inagine. a whole singapore full of guys!!!! that's pathetic. maybe they can consider taking vietnam wives...

but in recent years, more parents prefer baby girls compared to boys.. so maybe 60 years down the road, females are allowed to have two husbands or more. to make up for the ratio imbalance..

and by then, lesser or no female need to be missus anymore..

Day 6?

2005-04-26T19:33:00.000+08:00

i can be so mean at times.. trice today.. keep track unintentionally..

confirmed my dislike (AGAIN) for that STY SLY since i happened to see him alight frm a cab.. suay cabbie uncle.. apologies to any of u who are great loyal fans of his. watever~

to tell the truth, his new CD rocks... i mean can be compared to rocks. (u know how impurities always sinks?) heard a few of the songs over the radio.. usually i dun hav extreme dislike for newcomers but his standard and quality of music is highly questionable... so i was wondering why in the world (s'pore to be specific) would someone even want to pre-order that CD with "ugly and low quality" packaging, as heard from a bunch of xiao meimeis outside midpoint orchard.. (those are exact words mind u)

and the Mac uni got me laughing hard. and the contagious laughter plus the "look" on their faces had me going again after i tried to surpress it..

now i know. i'm mean. and i mean really. coz i couldnt stop. gossiping is a great communication tool. maybe.

The price to pay for being naive & gullible...

2005-04-25T22:20:00.000+08:00

is high..

hasnt been doing much constructive stuff since i put one foot forward.

on second thoughts, at least i'm doing sth practical.

what i meant was that i am always doing the wrong things at the wrong time.

anyway, i'm trying very hard to be like the little blue bird that carries the whole sky on his back.

1 down. 3 more to go before i make up my mind and conclude. give me strength.

i want to get so many things as i walked ard town. but i cant.

AND THERE'S NO VIEW!! IF U CALL FACING THE WALL A VIEW. DAMN IT!!

okay. i hope someone can cure my lousy behaviour and pathetic attitude before next week..??

i guess not. bah.

What is the most-overlooked important detail that helps make a good relationship?

2005-04-24T15:31:00.000+08:00

Intellectual compatibility.
Laughter.
Shopping and fashion sense.
Cuddling.
Honesty.

For those who has been constantly viewing my posts (therefore i assume u know me well enuff to answer this qn) u shld know what i'll choose, without a doubt.

WHAT ABOUT YOU??

2005-04-24T15:24:00.000+08:00

yesterday night, my wisdom tooth gave me hell.

i guess the right tooth is out to take revenge after i extracted out the left tooth.

didnt want to let the tooth control my body so i didnt take the painkillers as advised by my mom.

went to bed after reading some comics so as to stop the pain from the uncomfortable swelling from disturbing my mind.

had a great rest frm last night. met kimpeng and eve in HM juz now.

life's slack. routine. easy.

~Tell and share~

2005-04-17T18:54:00.000+08:00

That's why I started out blogging more than a year ago.

Here I am again, to make known how and what I think.

Read this fabulous article months ago. Enjoy:

THE MYTH OF FAME AND FORTUNE

Society's fascination with Hollywood and celebrities has just gone a little crazy. Millions idolize those who have achieved fame and fortune, but stardom does not provide the satisfaction that it advertises. Marilyn Monroe could have told us that.

Consider the celebrity of Muhammad Ali in his prime. He was known around the world as "the man who couldn't be beaten." His picture appeared on the cover of "Sports Illustrated" more times than any athlete in history. Whenever he went, the cameras followed. Today, though, it's a different story.

Sports writer Gary Smith recently spent some time with him at his home and asked to see his trophy room. Ali escorted him to a dark, damp barn beside his house. There, leaning against one wall, was a board filled with mementoes, photos from the "Thrilla in Manila," pictures of Ali dancing and punching and hoisting championship belts over his head. But the pictures were smeared with white streaks. Pigeons had made their home in the rafters.

Ali picked up the board and turned around, face to the wall. Then, as he started to leave, Smith heard him mumble, "I had the world and it wasn't nothing. Look now." Fame is fleeting. Fortune buys you nice things, but it doesn't make you happy.

The lesson here is timeless. Meaning will never be found in the praise and adoration of others. If that's where you're looking for it, you're destined for disappointment.

2005-04-12T00:28:00.000+08:00

bloghopped during the study week and came across this.

[I strive for academic excellence,
Not because i like to win,
But because this society is superficial,
You arent getting nowhere if you dont have an outstanding cert.
I am a slave this way.

"Live fast, die young."
These are my words to live by.]

The person who wrote this is a Librian. 1st look and i agreed with the first 2 things that caught my eyes totally.. the above is one. this is the second one:

["The astrological symbol of Libra is the Scales. Like the scales of justice, Librans are objective and just. They abhor unfairness and conflict, striving above all for peace; but at times they are easily deterred from their beliefs. Librans are able to see all sides of an argument, but as their mental scales sway back and forth, they may never find balance."]

i stared at the screen and read it over and over again. how fascinating it is for me. to see parts of me in another person.

maybe we're all replicas of one another. maybe all we see is ourselves in others, and others in ourselves. parts, fragments and pieces of us... perception bah..

Many times, happiness just takes a different form.

2005-04-11T15:19:00.000+08:00

The reason why we couldn't see or feel it is not just because it is intangible.

Rather, we keep measuring it against the first form of happiness that we know.

This is to the extent that we forgotten that there are other forms and kinds present.

We overlooked them yet we claim that they were never there in the first place.

We close them out because we lock ourselves in.

sat times

2005-04-09T19:26:00.000+08:00

i received the sms result at 1.30 AM!! it's so freaking irritating so EARLY in the morning..

i dunno wat's wrong with me. perception error or what. and i thought i did horribly for that subject.
and damn food hygiene. i thought i'll score. i didnt... lolx.. maybe i dun hav common sense.. watever~

and lucky me didnt get a D+ for jap.. and i got such a strong feeling that i was right about that.

to tell the truth, i felt as if i was waiting for the judge's verdit ytd when shini asked abt my results in the afternoon.. (she got hers very early)

anyway, thinking abt the D+ reminds me of love at dolphine bay at 1930 on channel U. and that stupid show reminds me of the stupid useless vcd cover that sparked off a series of unfortunate events..

really couldnt understand why local productions involve such vast amount of manpower yet they cant even compete with foreign shows that uses the same few characters.. s'pore shows really CMI. but they NEED our support. overseas drama series from HK, Taiwan, korean etc.. they HAVE our support. that's the difference.

and s'poreans are getting more paranoia by the day as drama series revolves ard issues that the govt is focusing on.. politically positive but i hate it.

this 9 pm show (live on) is abt doing health checkups, abt diabetes, dialysis, cancer etc.. HEALTH ISSUES..

a few months ago, the 9 pm show goes on and on about making a will before you die, if not the negatvive consequences and immense impact on the pple ard u..

yet agian, the show (hai you ming tian 1&2) talked about those poor children with various health problems, defects, illness and need love, care and concern from the society.

then, i remember clearly about ANOTHER 9 pm show (1/2 yuan fen starring nadia, ruien and jacelyn). that is about promoting marriage. how to overlook faults, accommodating to each other, living together, getting help from various sources aka modern matchmaking services, and of course, BABIES. besides these issues, the show also incorporates this important element of promoting VOLUNTEERISM!! see how clever the production crew is!

and last year, there's this seemingly cheena show called (30 feng yu lu)... i didnt watch all the episodes, but i remember it to be seeking help when needed, sth about depression. yah.. and THAT is about the time they started off with the depression campaign. seeking help arbo u'll affect those ard you.. and if i'm nt wrong, that show also talks about drugs, autistic children and what not..

and this reminds me.. it looks like jack neo isnt who he is today if not for the govt huh... he owes his success to the need of the govt to "EDUCATE" the public.

and i'm so freaking irritated coz the whole aim of tv entertainment & relaxation is actually a tool of propaganda thru media. and i thought we have freedom and rights.

maybe that's why channel U is a threat before the merger. shows about heaven, earth, hell and the dimension in between aint really a gd source of entertainment for s'poreans in the eyes of the govt.. to them, it's useless. maybe that explains why my sis loves that show that time huh...

anyway, shant say much. i'm tired.

2005-04-06T14:51:00.000+08:00

does this pic reminds u of wishing stairs?

流逝与消失的时间

2005-04-05T15:19:00.000+08:00

消失是在不觉察之间, 毫无知觉之中产生的.

虽然实际上, 时间无法消失, 但人会老去; 时间原地踏步, 变动的只是我们.

城市里的人, 一直与时间在赛跑, 却又一直活在时间之处.

流逝于消失之间, 流逝成了一种奢侈的心态.

-i weekly-

2005-04-04T17:36:00.000+08:00

2 more discs to the end of the korean cinderella drama..

i wonder if i even watched 28 discs at the rate i'm forwarding the show..

it's way too draggy.. 1st time i've seen such a simple plot yet they drag and drag.. they not sian i also sian le.. 40 long episodes... stupid.

i skip so much i dun care about what is happening.. i only want to know how the storyline goes.. but well, i already know the ending.. watched it during the exam period.. but well, see how those sadistic scriptwriters end the story. why always leukemia? why not other diseses? why must someone always die? cursed life of the koreans.. maybe that's why korean shows are mostly touching and tear-inducing.. coz they are "made" to suffer, to go thru immense pain and sorrow. to undergo seperation from their loved ones... but 1 very good tactic they use in every show.. the bad ones always end up being good inside.. towards the end of the show, u cant help but pity them. so the show ends with mostly the person whom u were cursing and hating at first seeming like the victim of the show drama. and someone always die in the end isnt that so?

someone always get a taste of heaven in the end. the good is dead, the bad died.

what's more to a show?

2005-04-03T11:44:00.000+08:00

why no one named their child Jesus?

i see CHRISTine, CHRISTina, CHRISTopher and so on.. but why not Jesus?

2005-03-28T01:59:00.000+08:00

i'm grateful for the ability to express myself.

thankful that humans have emotions..

and i'm lucky that it's the holidays..

以眼看世界, 用心体会, 借文字表达存在.

paradox of life:
so much to do,yet so little time.

No fire will burn forever:
If passion is the fire,

then interest is the fuel and

discipline is the spark.

~心血来潮~

2005-03-27T23:01:00.000+08:00

华人真奇怪。
相信轮会, 却又注重扫墓。
清明也许是一个集体哀悼日吧~!
但又或者是个家庭聚会, 还有可能也是个对现代人而言新鲜,异样,有趣,及特别的活动吧。

写这些感触的那一天 - 下雨了。

其实，今天也已经下了大半天的雨了。这种天气最好是能待在家, 窝在被里。要不然，在咖啡座喝着浓浓的咖啡也不错。印象当中，好像每逢到了清明时份，都是细雨纷飞的时候。

这种天气不仅让我想起了这首’诗’:

[清明时节雨纷纷
路上行人欲断魂
借问汉堡何处有
牧童遥指麦当劳]

这是小二时一位同班同学写的。该有十年了吧。想想看其实该用的不是牧童而是保安或阿嬷吧。必竟在坟场和 columbarium 都有保安。阿嬷嘛, 还记得 “带你出来真麻烦, 你只喜欢麦当劳” 这句话吧。~哈哈~

想必不用三思而后“言”是小孩的专利吧。。。

--------------------------------------------------------

回忆似没上锁的宝厢,搁在心里。有时真的能摆放很久,有时却让人三不五时把那宝物反反复复拿出来细心欣赏,一而在再而三的迷失在记忆里。钥匙呢?

要不丢了,要不早把它遗失在哪儿个“秘密基地” 。

想必你看到这里,读得好厌烦吧。就此停“笔”。。。

(来点掌声怎么样?) 谢谢~!

shld i be afraid, or shld i be feared?

2005-03-19T18:42:00.000+08:00

Wilbur isnt back yet. the pigsy is off on a holiday trip with Charlotte and i'm here to take over, for the time being.

been arranging memories recently.

that's why i absolutely loathe study week.

i cant watch tv in peace, cant listen to the radio in peace, cant slack in peace, cant even do thingy that i find important in peace. and the culprit is guilt. that stupid useless emotion that shld be eliminated and never seen from the face of this earth again. i sleep at 3 everyday, after watching tv from 7 pm all the way till 3 in the morning.. den wake up at 2 in the afternoon... and i love this feeling of day and night switch.. the worse thing? NO ONE in my family nags at me coz i'm slacking.. that makes the whole guilt thingy worse doesnt it?

spent a long time juz now feeding tortise and fish. that's a long break away from study. and my stupid mind was yelling.. telling me all about survival of the fittest. how funny. bleahz

in the animal kingdom, the only living thing that is not exactly bounded by this rule is human beings. when i mean survival of the fittest, i'm not implying on humans who are sick and bogged down with illness, handicapped or whatsoever. i mean, we AT LEAST have a right to live. but animals? if they're "handicapped", will some organisation come and take charge of its daily needs like food and shelter? will some "society" step in to prevent it from being discriminated and bullied by other members of the "public?" will some "kind souls" initiate a "donation or charity drive" to provide for this weaker and needy "less fortunate?" the answer is NO. a BIG NONO.

maybe u can say we humans have compassion, we have a heart. but dont they?

if they're unable to source for food themselves, they'll die of hunger.
if they're unable to protect itself from harm, they'll die from attacks.
if they're unable to adapt to environmental changes, they're dead.

so, can we question why we're so fortunate? coz humans are the superior beings? coz we've intelligence that cannot be matched by any other? coz we have a mission in life far more noble? coz we're the masters and them the slaves?

U see, we own them coz we WANT them. but before owning them, hav you thought about whether they NEED you or not? will they be happier with species of their own? by possessing them, you are happier. but are they happy? you take away their natural instinct to fend for themselves. and if u're careless, they'll perish, without a doubt. they have NO choice. and without being given a choice, they have no rights. and the degree of comfort they enjoy in life is not by their own efforts, but their owners' love, care, concern, sympathy and whatever u wanna call it and so on...

and without rights, their mere existence is only such that humans can interfere. beginning and ending. the power is in our hands, not theirs. we humans are able to "control" anything from BIG to small. living things- from elephants to amoeba.

and it's scary to know that a million things are under the control of 1 thing. and
me, being part of the 1, am confused.

shld i be afraid, or shld i be feared?

----------------------------------------------------------------

ENOUGH SAID. CHARLOTTE'S BACK WITHOUT WILBUR. I'LL HAVE TO GET OFF. THE LEASE AINT UP YET. SHALL BUZZ OFF NOW!

TILL LATER.

2005-03-17T22:31:00.000+08:00

I'm renting out this space.

To Charlotte.

To weave a web...

alone again, naturally

2005-03-16T14:30:00.000+08:00

i dragged myself outta bed. not to study, but to enjoy the morning sun.. been quite some time since i last did it. glad i did it again today. i dun mind sacrificing an hr or 2 of my sleep to enjoy the calmness and serenity the morning brings. btw, watching cars speeding by gave me a weird sense of satisfaction, for i am at home doing absolutely nothing and the pple are rushing off to work.

thru the years, it's always been like this. i always find funny things to do nearer the exam period. and i haven started on accounts. the only thing i've done is to READ 4 chapters of POM which i cant even remember. oh well, wat can i say? i still have 5 more days..

back to the topic. i loathe the afternoon scorching sun. but i love the warmth the morning sun provides. it's so reassuring, that tomorrow will definitely be here. it's as if someone is holding u close and telling u not to worry.

went to see my youngest sis. she sleeps like an angel but wakes up full of the devil. haha.. reminds me of me when i'm younger... the orange curtains make her face rosey, and the wind gave the room a light dancing atmosphere. and i sat there like an idiot watching her sleep, thinkin that nothing in the world would be able to give contentment as such.

had breakfast and went back to bed after drying my hair. sometimes i love my bed for being so absolutely cosy and spacious and sometimes i hate it. hate it for tempting me into its arms and giving me the ultimate comfort. just like that, i drifted off to dreamland for a 4 hour journey.

i woke up to find my sisters going out. within 10 mins, the house is empty other than a lone soul. me, alone at home again. so what's the use of having a big family when most of the time i'm alone?

if u're reading this entry, go away.

2005-03-12T14:31:00.000+08:00

the exams are coming. hence u'll see more of my "nonsensical creations" so to say, juz like the many past entries that i posted whenever i need to use more brain power.

guess it's the reluctance to start on any of my subjects bah.. as usual, i'm now going into the "watch vcds that i haven been watching for some time" phase.. and thoroughly enjoying myself.

a little irritated coz pple are reading my blog, which defeats the purpose of setting up a blog isnt that so? watching the numbers rise is like knowing that people are invading into your privacy yet u cant do anything abt it.. but who says so? i can always post crap like this and let those pple who have too much time on their hands to read, and save others under draft.. hahahahah...

so if u're reading this entry,
1) u are too free. go find sth to do instead of checking on my blog every now and then.
2) u have no life, juz like me. so u find this "place" a great outlet to waste time.
3) U are a KAPO.
4) u want to know more abt my life so that u can improve on yours. (thanks ar.. for ya compliments)
5) u are keeping tabs on me for watever reasons i am not interested to know..
6) u find it a immense joy to know that u know abt me yet i dunno who u are or what u're thinking about. (let me tell u, i dun hav time to bother abt my own life so i couldnt be interested in urs either.)
7) U are really a fren, keeping check to see if i'm sick, injured or dead or not.
8) seeing me not like my usual self is a source of comfort to u coz that juz means that u're better off than i am.
9) watever that's on ur mind right now..
10) MY BLOG IS SIMPLY TOO GOOD TO BE MISSED!!!

hahahaha.... ditto.. so if u managed to read so far, let me advise u, pls go do other things than take inspirations from other pple's blog abt what they're doing so u can try out k.. be more creative sia. stop going round in circles ar.. find a place to get out!

Ching's day

2005-03-12T00:00:00.000+08:00

CHING~!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
may all ya wishes come true.. =)

-------------------------------------

U know, it's amazing how our hearts always detect things faster than our senses.
I spotted a headless chap at the edge of a park,
peering eagerly at the commotion on stage with hidden eyes.
Quickening pace and faking urgency,
i escaped.
Away from the awkward moment of salutation.
For half a second, i almost couldnt believe my eyes.
To think that it's not one of the shabbier times.
But i still fled, from giving myself away.
What a joke. It's all crap. Haha.

------------------------------------

wah.. sometimes the things i say are absolute senseless.
but i still say it anyway. there's no time better than that of blogging.
sorry ching, for putting crap in the same post on ur birthday. seems abit like disrespect sia.. :X
but couldnt help it. was in the mood to crap. :)

btw, time for the daily report. watched HITCH today. i laughed.

left-right-left-right

2005-03-11T23:15:00.000+08:00

Marching on the spot
1 cm away from the starting line.
The commander is quiet,
silently waiting for me to
realise that i have to tap once more.
I'm tired. So i dun really know
if i have the energy to
put in that extra effort.

"A Little Chotto"

2005-03-11T00:59:00.000+08:00

came up with the nonsense below ytd night, before i went to bed.
Reason: coz i am in no mood to study for the final food hygiene test.
ahem.. here's how the crap goes...

========================================

Go a little further, look a little deeper.
Think a little simpler, save a little trouble.
Surrender a little sooner, embrace a little earlier.
Pop a little anger, cool a little temper.
Patch a little quarrel, smile a little earlier.
Play a little crazier, laugh a little louder.
Speak a little softer, mood a little calmer.
Pick a little flower, live a little happier.
Act a little cuter, seem a little livelier.
Frown a little lesser, turn a little prettier.
Night a little darker, stars a little brighter.
Study a little harder, work a little smarter.
Be a little slacker, indulge a little longer.
Say a little prayer, smooth a little terror.
Dish a little washer, waste a little water.
I'm a little crapper, stop this little bother!

=================================

This is what struck me on a boring night.
Came up with this "A Little Chotto" thingy to live my life by.
was writing with my bedside lamp halfasleep and unknowingly i wrote the dishwasher part down.. although that's crap, i love it all the same.

that's it. From me, to you. =)

2005-03-10T11:25:00.000+08:00

"There's no such thing!" she screamed,
refusing to believe what's right smack in her face.
Others shook their heads and left, 2 by 2,
giving up on those who needs more time.
They're just scared, to acknowledge the difference.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

More please, in that mental state.
Before you go, give me a stage.
I want to hear the endless echoing of the encoring.
Then, let ice take over the entire hall.
Cast a spell so nothing thaws.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_--_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

watever~

capped dope

2005-03-09T20:48:00.000+08:00

patiently waiting for the 9 o'clock show.. and i'm only at slide number 13 of my food hygiene notes.. alot more to go. slept till 8.. wahahah.. coz of my sis.. told her to wake me up at 6.. in the end she accompany me... when i woke up at 8, i found her in her bed.. haha..

after dinner and some junk food, i'm ready.... to watch a show.. haha.. nt in the mood to study.. anyway, i dun think food hygiene got much to study coz it's all common sense right?

wasnt in the right state of mind today. i've been thru so many presentations yet i'm still SO nervous during presentation. wat's wrong with me? i also dunno..

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

enclosed in the capped head,
in close proximity to memories,
i ran.
away from acknowledgement,
away from bemused thoughts
and struggling sentiments.
away from the hustle and bustle of wat's inside.
towards the seclusion of stillness,
hoping to stay composed
but within it's as clear as anything.
disheveled-ness took over.
wat's inside became wat's outside.
it's as loud as twenty drums playing at the same time.
disturbing, too eye-catching and the thumping..
no wonder blood circulation seemed so highly sophisticated today.
like a boomerang with sharp edges,
it always return to whom who throws it.
leaving only self indulgence in all the wrong things..

ya. blogging again

2005-03-06T02:12:00.000+08:00

thanks ar peijun,

for granting urself a free weekend pass to nowhere taking the train of desserts which runs on a backway track. and the stupid bus conductor is an irritating bugger who keeps reminding me that night is falling and a storm is brewing so i got to prepare.

with my lousy character, i ask the conductor to buzz off. indeed, i sense trouble but my watever personality is so dominant that i couldnt even be bothered to check if the windows are working or there are enough blankets to keep out the cold.

the worse news? i forget to buy insurance!

that's some luck!!

watever... long entry. juz skip. wait for the nxt day's post bah. juz some usual grumbles, complaints and wat not...

2005-02-23T22:38:00.000+08:00

i used to be patient
i used to be kind
i used to be tolerance
i used to care.

now,
i'm irritable
i'm easily angered
i'm impatient
i'm rude
i'm self-centered
.
.
.

.
.
.

the list goes on and on and on and... ... ... ...

finally POM done... wat's the big deal? the difference between the grp with the highest mark and the lowest mark is 0.5... i knew his marking patterns frm last sem and it didnt bother me.. and if reassurance didnt help, den i think i shld've kept my mouth shut.

as usual, training is my negativity dump. watever.. i can imagine my arrows OUT of the board, 30m.. OUT, way UP... and i simply couldnt understand why the rest of them could hold, peservere, aim, try their best, and go for it. i cant.

always lose control. but it doesnt matter. it's no big deal. i've learn to deal with that feeling of absolute hopelessness. doesn feel gd of course, but that M&Ms help..

tt time i wondered if i have an inferiority complex. now it doesnt seem so. i'm juz inferior.

and, tt short chat wif karene is gd.

we're all looking for short-term happiness. i mean we all want happiness to stay long term but bcoz we know it's impossible, we try to satisfy that desire to be cheerful, to be contented, all these made possible with materialistic posessions. but the thrill of ownership is short-lived. we aim to accumulate these wants so that they can fulfil our ultimate need. and that is, happiness. everything we want. yes, even lasting happy relationships. they are all but temporary.

i know some of u muz be shaking ur heads and thinking "why si this idiot talking crap? happiness matters nt forever but in that moment.." i know it's the "point-in-time" that matters but who doesnt want to be immersed in happiness and indulge in that "out-of-the-world" feeling for a longer period of time?

we want to keep sadness, hurt and negativities at bay but can u do so 24/7?? i doubt so. there'll be a time and place where u let go and juz collasp. or, find an outlet or 2. like her, one of my major outlets is my family. they always get the nonsense and what not. i've said this once and i'm saying it again. i couldnt help it if in this part of my jounrney in life, the need for an outlet exceeds the level of passion i have for this cca. read in the yahoo post. this junior. he claims that he loves archery and would get everything sorted out BUT he has something on so will be missing a FEW more trainings. by then, exams are here and he'll miss more trainings. skipping trainings doesnt matter but what makes me "a little" irritated is that someone claims that he loves something but doesnt have the time to do it. so what is passion WITHOUT discipline? tell me?

pple see archery as a cool sport. i see it as a comfortable outlet to do what i want, regardless of other pple. sometimes i can feel that my attitude irritates them but hello, i cant even control myself. if i could, i wont be there "showing attitude", so to say. and isnt that gd, i feel comfortable enuff to show how i feel and nt hide in one of the masks full of false pretenses..

aiya.. watever.. recently i dunno wat i'm saying or doing. i dunno why i'm explaining. i dun need to explain, but i did. my mind is outta control...

and, do i REALLY look very tired? pple have been commenting yet again that i'm looking very tired. i am.

making assumptions

2005-02-21T00:38:00.000+08:00

an example:

You are walking in the mall, and you see a person you like.
That person turns to you and smiles, and then walks away.
You can make a lot of assumptions just because of this one experience.
With these assumptions you can create a whole fantasy.
And you really want to believe this fantasy and make it real.
A whole dream begins to form just from your assumptions,
and you can believe, "Oh, this person really likes me."
In your mind a whole relationship begins from that.
Maybe you even get married in this fantasyland.
But the fantasy is in your mind, in your personal dream.

======================================

The above is what i wanna share.. We only see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear. We dont perceive things the way they are. We have the habit of dreaming with no basis in reality. We literally dream things up in our imaginations.
Because we dont understand something, we make an assumption about the meaning, and when the truth comes out, the bubble of our dream pops and we find out it was not what we thought it was at all.

That is why whenever we make assumptions, we're asking for problems. We make an assumption, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing.

...dreams...

2005-02-20T13:16:00.000+08:00

dreams.. do they reflect what's been constantly hanging in our subconscious mind?

i read somewhere, that we only have dreams when we're tired and that when we dream, we wont be able to have quality rest. however, i read also, that we dream anywhere, any time of the day and that dreams merely refect what's been in our thoughts, regardless we notice it or not.

so, tell me. which is correct?

sometimes dreams make no sense. other times they are disturbing... if so, they occupy our waking thoughts and maybe that's what makes us more tired.. i dunno..

what scares me is that the dreams truly reflect what's hidden in my mind. if it's true..... i dun even wanna think abt it..

time is even more frightening... it seems juz like ytd when i was agonizing over trivial matters like whether to go for CCA in sec sch or not. and it seems like tml that i'll be stepping out to the working world and earning a living. it might not seem so scary if i feel more mature. imagine. a kid going to the real world and contributing to the society, work work and more work...

it's almost as if this kinda things only happened in books. maybe coz i feel like peter pan in neverland. i dun feel as if i've matured. mentality is the same, size abt fatter. that's abt all. but my attitude.. took a turn for the worse. that i can feel. maybe that's the only part of me that've matured bah. i'm still who i used to be minus away the the-world-is-oh-so-wonderful innocence... minus away a bit of the naiveness, a little of patience and tolerance, and add a bit of black magic.

i'm tired. talking to myself on a computer is. guess the com's frequency disrupted mine. tt's all.

The smoke in-between

2005-02-18T18:34:00.000+08:00

Everything is a mirror.

The smoke in-between is what keeps us from knowing what we are.

The smoke is the dream.

The mirror is you, the dreamer.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

They say:

Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see...

I think:

It makes no difference whether our eyes are open or not, for even with sight, we are blinded..
Till the fog is removed, then can we truly see.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

This is the place:

[Engels Zimmer]

2005-02-18T01:27:00.000+08:00

we live from moment to moment.

i find myself agonising over decisions, plans and all... for such prolonged time that i guess i missed out all the fun. sometime later i realised how much time i wasted over such insignificant issues that i couldnt even laugh at my stupidity. most things are nt a matter of life and death, tt's wat i learnt. but i'm learning the hard way... things that are unimportant.. are they really? or izzit another perception issue?

half an hr ago, i'm irritated. so frustrated that i'm glad blogger didnt want to publishn that entry for me. so i save time deleting it away... now, i'm back to me.

a few more pple are reading my blog, that i know coz the numbers are increasing..

i dun wanna guess. some things are meant to be. sooner or later. that i know.. so now the past is gone. too bad. i guess at THAT point in time i posted things that i actually thought of the consequences of lettign the person i dun wanna see, see. too late pple. too late. it's gone. unless u managed to read thru the hundreds of entries in a short time.. before they're being axed by me. well, that's me, for you.

and i didnt know my jap can be so hopeless.. today i realised.. speaking and writing both cannot.. i thought my language cannot make it.. english and chinese.. to think that jap too.. after watching so many shows... lolx.. but it doesnt matter. i juz want my 4 CUs...