sianz

these few days, i feel more or less like an outcast.. especially when i'm with a grp of pple.. when i speak, pple willl listen out of politeness and den change the topic when i finished toking.. and most of them will treat me as if whether i'm there or not doesnt matter.. or maybe they think that i'm independent enuff to takecare of myself?

to me, it seems as if everything i say is crap and so uninteresting that they dun even want to offer a tiny bit of attention.. dunno y.. but i'm starting to feel as if pple are getting tired of me.. true.. there's nothing very interesting or different abt me.. but i DO need attention from time to time.. and this sux.. feeling as if noone would know and care if i hurt myself or passed away suddenly.. bsides my family of course..

sometimes it juz doesnt make sense to me.. what's the point of appreciating the gd in ur life when bemoaning at every misfortune seems more right in some ways??

if we appreciate wat we have, den we wont be able to recognise the negativities in our lives and when we're not able to recognise them, how are we going to improve on the situation?

or maybe i seem too quiet in front of them that's y they choose to have a conversation with others? or they think that i wont mind? or maybe coz i always seem so far away.. lost somewhere in space.. suddenly, lily pop up in my mind.. missed the days where the few of us crap and slack in the lounge.. with ah sok, jaz and ess..

i hate the lonely feeling that i get when i am down.. but it doesnt make sense does it? coz i'm alone for so long that actually i shld be used to it donkey yrs ago? or maybe i'm too used to it that the feeling juz grows stronger everytime i fall? and bcoz there hasnt be anyone there to break the fall, that's y i've been landing harder and harder each time?

this sux this sux this sux... wat elaine told us on sun makes sense suddenly.. now i understand y steph can boast abt herself.. and makes it sounds like such a big thing.. and i began to suspect if my determincation will hold.. or maybe it's juz time testing me coz i've been leading a somewhat monotonous life till now? nothing really different from wat i used to have.. that's y minor stuff affects me.. coz minor problems affects minor minds.. i haven been thru alot.. that's y i'm weak? i dunno.. seriously, i think i shld live in the 1950s.. maybe i'll be more suitable in that era than this.. i feel abit out of place in this modern world.. feeling old, feeling tired, feeling slow..