Dear angels:

Angel of God my guardian dear,
to whom God's love commits me here.
Ever this day be at my side,
to light and guard to rule and guide.

importance

It's important to realise that urgency itself is not the problem.
The problem is that when urgency is the dominant factor in our lives,
importance isnt.
What we regard as "first things" are urgent things.
We're so caught up in doing,
that we dont even stop to ask if what we're doing really needs to be done.

overweight issue.. juz for laughs

feel like sharing this.. from some library book:

you feel overweight, and it depresses you.
The more depressed you get, the more you trough out;
The more depressed you get,
the more you graze and the more you chub up.
You feel tired so you spend the weekend sleeping.
This makes you feel more tired so you laze around dozing on the sofa.
This makes you feel even more tired so you go to bed,
but you can't get to sleep because you feel too tired.
When you get up on Monday morning, you are completely spanked.

sunday.

noddy is tired~

they all asked me out, but i'm nt free... badly wanted to go out with 150+ today.. budden i didnt.. as usual, the complaints and excuses that surfaced when deadlines are near always managed to make me feel terrible.. wanted to meet up with them.. and ching also.. so long nv go out together le.. missed the slacking times..

juz finished with the BESE notes.. dun really think peer teaching is effective. but it depends on how the rest of the grp thinks.. seriously, i think i'm damn slack.. everyone is rushing for god knows what.. and i TOTALLY agree with gary's nick "the time to relax is when u dun have time for it."

dunno y also.. i seem to take things too easy i think.. once i'm done with something, i'll be super contented and reward myself with twice or trice the amount of rest i need.. i dun particularly like to do things during the weekends.. coz if i start, i wont know where my weekend goes.. and if that happens, i'll be damn sad and my week wont start off well..

i guess it's all a mental game..

tough. weak. tough. weak. yes. no. yes. no. i dunno!! turn to... aiya.. nvm.. no point blogging here also.. sian sia..

the pic that i wanted to upload last last week.. the appetizer char and i prepared.. 

saffron mock up

saffron mock up today.. did pastry.. the dessert was not too bad.. abit blur as to where to get what and what to do.. turned out well anyway. so not so bad.. my section was the easiest, hence less scoldings from the chefs.. actually no scolding.. juz some nagging..

pple commented that i draw the cherry very nice.. hehe.. did it with the chocolate that we melted.. too bad we didnt get to eat the chocos.. my fren tasted and say that it's great.. :( 

got the feedback forms during debriefing and overall, pple are satisfied with our service and food. it seems like our presentation is gd.. good grp dynamics i can say? lolx.. the whole team worked quite well, so i'm happy.. :)

no archery training today.. rushed home to get ready.. budden decided to have my dinner 1st.. luckily i did.. coz ken msged and informed me that ppcc is closed for today and told me not to go down.. heng ar.. so basically, i've been slacking since i got home.. very long never have this kinda feeling le.. juz slacking and watching tv, not worrying abt things.. sianz..

realised that there's 1 thing i cant stand nowadays.. that is empty stomach.. when i feel hungry, i'll get the uncomfortable feeling.. and i MUZ eat.. maybe that's y i'm getting fatter.. hehe..

oh ya.. this funny person juz tok to me.. and he or she told me that the sis saw my display pic and commented that i'm ugly.. lolx.. how nice.. and that i dun look my age..

fine. when pple told u that u're ugly, there's absolutely no way u can try to defend.. haha.. wat to say? ya. i am.

ARGH!!! stupid me~!! did my OB project ytd and i didnt save it!!!! but i rem saving!!! wasted ALL MY EFFORT!!! argh!!!! *knock myself twice wah piang!! gotta finish and send to my grpmates sia!!! haizz...

saw QY in the bus today.. wouldnt have met him if we dun have this stupid accounting cls test that lasts for 50 mins..

was happily chatting with eve and tina and walking to the bus stop.. didnt see anyone i know. not even fiona... we were, as usual, 38-ing..

was commenting that it's quite impossible for us to squeeze into the single deck 69 coz it was already very crowded inside.. in the end managed to board.. den saw his gf and him.. smile but never say anything to him..

the trip home is super duper fast.. coz we tok and had so much fun on the way.. junyuan in the same bus also.. that slacker! haha.. we all quite shocked to see him taking the same bus sia.. haha..

wah piang! sian sia.. alighted at hougang interchange and change 112 home.. while waiting, this guy came over and want to be friends..kept asking.. the lady in front kept looking.. damn! i ignored, turn to face the other side, den he disappeared.. dun say liao.. tired.. gotta slp soon.. lack of sleep makes me look like a panda..

wed blogging abt tues

hmm.. memories, memories and more menories ytd.. the whole day.. everything from the moment i stepped out of the house till i reach tp, the journey, wat i hear on the radio station, at the bus stop, during apel class, break time in the library, OB lec..

heard the quote on 93.3 FM.. haha.. exactly wat i've been thinking.. :|

QQ. thanks for sharing ytd ya.. :)

i'm so stupid.. didnt realise sth abt my clsmate even though the term passed for like 5 weeks.. didnt know wat to say. nvm.. shant be KAPO and ask wat i'm curious to know.. anyway, was chatting with this clsmate and the person told me that archery is incerdibly fun.. lolx.. wait till the setting up of range, hot sun and PT.. den see if the same comment stands.. i'm getting weaker.. bo eng sia.. haizz..

k lah.. nowadays too lazy to blog.. most of the time would rather do manually or juz forget it.. so ya. lesser posts will be up.. that's all. gotta go back to accounting again.

raining cats and dogs and elephants and hippos juz now.. SUPER GREAT weather!! woke up although i was very reluctant to get out of bed.. coz of my accounting.. didnt practise and never study the theory part.. haha.. in the end i sit in the kitchen i fell asleep when doing posting!! haha.. sibeh sian so here i am toking nonsense to noone.. haha..

pause. start. stop

they asked me if i got a bf..

*stone face.

nothing to say.

again. again. 12 more. later.

wait. hold breath. release.

[a line knows no limit unless u put an end to it. is there a line that runs forever?]

saturday

blessed, fortunate and contented, for the day.

training was great.. wont be blogging on that, coz it's all technical
terms, with formwork and all. went off early coz i'm meeting yp they
all to go to wq's bdae..

it was only when i ws eating his bdae cake at ard 10+ that i realised
things that i've never know for more den 6 yrs.. i used to dislike him,
not exactly dislike, but juz that i dun really like the way he portray
himself? his behavior? i dunno..

was sitting on the floor with only F3-1 in the room, someone was asking
where his mom is.. den the qn of his dad and grandma pop up.. it was
then that i know that his dad got cancer.. yrs ago.. and his grandma is
now staying with his aunt. besides that, all the things that he had,
his playstation, his laptop, his hi-fi, all his things... he bought it
with his own money.. worked hard and save for them..

and suddenly, 180 degrees turn of perception.. i used to think that
this smart-alec's behavior is intolerable.. now then i realised that
actually F4E1 together for so long, he's already part of the gang,
unknowingly.. and that my past attitude towards him is bad, real bad,
and i'm ashamed of it.. he's the 1st person whom i openly show that i
dun wanna tok to.. hostility..

looking at how his sis and him get along reminds me of how i play with
my sis, how yang orh the younger ones are and how as the elder sibling,
we unknowingly show how much we love them thru our actions and body
language..

the young kids he invited were complaining that his house got no air
conditioned.. and again, that set me thinking of how fortunate all of
us present are.. compared to him, i'm like so insignificant.. my
"contributions" to my family is nth more than harsh words, raised
voice, unmeaningful debates abt crap, complaints and all.. all words,
no actions.. nth tangible...

i cant imagine myself going thru all that.. contributing to sjab like
it's his life.. his tima and effort again and again.. the juniors no
doubt benefitted alot from his hard work.. the extra mile he go juz for
them..

brains aint everything.. pple used to tell me that i got brains.. but
besides that little "xiao cong ming", i got nothing.. nothing at all..
what's the use of reading all those self-help books if i cant even be
compared to one tenth of them? pple who are actually faced with such a
situation and yet go thru the normal life routine like i do plus a
whole lot more? ans they dun read those motivational self help books,
inspiring books and all.. they're most prob the ones who wrote or
will be writing them!!

i took EVERYTHING for granted. my family, my friends, my material
possessions and all. got an aircon in my room, and yet i'm complaining
that sometimes water will leak and all.. had a com, and yet i'm forever
grumbling that my siblings are fighting to use also. i got so much more
than him, yet i'm always complaining.. compare.. of course i do.. who
doesnt? when i do that, of course i always put myself with pple who
APPEAR TO BE better than me. i THINK they are better.. that's y i
compare.. and more often than not, i missed out those who are less
fortunate.. they're less fortunate in my definition.. but i know that
to some of them, they are as rich as millionaires.. coz of their
attitudes..

my sis, the older of the younger one, spoil my mood. ruined my entire
reflective and appreciative mood. aint gonna blog it down. like
they say, we shldnt air our dirty linens outside or sth lidat lidat..

got abit irritated. ytd lidat. today also lidat. i cant help but feel irritated. twice. fine. gd.

they were asking me why i'm in such a gd mood this afternoon. i guess
it was the book. i even bought vitagen from the auntie.. most of the
time i dun. esp when i hav a tight budget.

for the past 10 days or so, i've been flipping thru TODAY and cutting
out the singtel touching hearts saving lives fund heart. for evey heart
i fold and put inside the postbox, singtel will contribute 1.25 to the
fund coz it's their 125 anniversary.. i missed the last "campaign", so
i decided to put in extra effort for this one. i cut and fold, my bro
will drop the heart in the psotbox on his way to sch. whether the thing
is tru or not i'm not sure.. but i'm willing to do it. ytd was the last
day, but i still got 1 at home, so i posted today. hope my minimal
contributions can help. not only me, my bro saw it, and i think his
friends also doing it.. spreading it ard helps.. it ended ytd.. now i'm
waiting for the report..

tml's the children's fund thingy. and again, i think i'll donate. juz
like last week. and this time round, i've already set my mind on
returning my dad the amount i donated. coz usually when i donate, he
pays when the bill comes.. this time it's diff.. i want to contribute
with my own money, although the money is still allowance given by my
mom.. i want to substitude things i can purchase (material possessions)
with a little act.

thurs

bored!

went for applied research tut today.. waste my 2 hrs.. fell asleep in cls when shew as explaining abt sample and defining boundaries and all.. slept facing the wall.. so think she most prob didnt see me slping bah.. after which we had marketing peer teaching..

finally, all done! went to the library in search of USA bus etiquette books.. was looking for books in the library for more than 1 hr.. sneezing and sneezing until i feel like choping off my nose.. met huihui at level 6 and after looking for the books for OB, i went home.. borrowed this singapore book.. very small, all quotes from s'poreans.. like how kiasu we are, singlish and all..

deleted the tagboard history.. starting anew..

realised sth.. every thursday is a raining day.. since the start of the sem.. i realised it coz the tut room is freezingly cold, and pple are bound to experience "bad weather conditions" as mentioned on the radio every thrusday for as long as i noticed.. till the point whereby i predict thurs is definitely gonna rain so i set aside my long sleeve clothes to wear..

so tired today that i dun even bother to put on my contacts.. wore specs to school.. feel nerdish and that i think i look like some china engineering student.. but who cares anyway.. pple are too busy looking at themselves to care abt me sia.. my frens commented that i look like a teacher.. dots.. teachers dun look like china nerds..

anwyay, went thru the peer teaching session with my mind blank and soul half asleep.. couldnt concentrate at all so i juz stare at the handouts and stone... and frm time to time, i read and re-read the points and sort of tried to register what is going on..

looking forward to tml's saffron. making desserts.. and i read it in a book that the word dessert is spelt with 2 'S' coz we juz cant seem to get enuff of it.. kept wanting more.. that is why lah..

wednesday

back frm sch!

saw the course director in the lift.. he was toking to me and ask what workshop am i having.. so i replied business etiquette.. and all he said was "i thot so too" and left. so lame lor.. since he already know, y ask? lolx..

pple were asking abt my top.. wat's wrong wif improvising a earstud as a pin? joy told me she was so facinated by it and kept asking me qns.. it's juz a substitute as a button. can also act as a design, watever u all want to think it is. and i used it coz the design of the top is fixed, so i got to do sth abt it right.

ching.. char asked me if i saw u today or ytd.. think one of these days she saw u, den she was asking me y u wear until lidat.. halter and mini skirt with heels.. wat happened to u.. but to me quite normal mah.. i dunno.. den she also asked if u got tell me that u saw her during the vibes, or watever the activity is called. the dan competition thingy.. asked me if u got tell me that performance thingy is nice or sth lidat.. was "discussing" abt the sch's dresscode, abt wearing miniskirts and shorts to sch... dunno lah.. sian.

in BESE, we learnt abt small talk, body language and telephone etiquette and dunno wat thing.. the thing i find most interesting and can remember is the touching and rubbing of nose.. it means that the person is lying or not telling the truth. hahahaha.. was laughing.. coz i realised i do that quite often.. and sometimes, it's not coz i'm lying or what. it's coz i got a flu! haha.. he also got mentioned sometimes it's that nose itchy, so cant help lah.. he was telling us that there's a survey on this touch-the-nse-i'm-lying thing.. and over 90% of the pple surveyed gave positive result... but i think can also be due to the fact that sometimes during a conversation, u dunno where to place ur hands exactly coz it's rude if u fold ur arms or put ur hands on ur hips mah.. so the very natural reaction is to touch ur nose, ur face, ur hair and so on..

fell asleep during accounting tut.. woke up to see the tutor standing in front and looking at my direction. in order to wake myself, i did qn 2.. managed to do the trial balance qn.. stupid mistake i made ytd.. haha..

running out of clothes to wear.. gotta repeat my presentation tops again le.. nxt week tutor observation.. sian.. that big bear kept bluffing us sia.. told us this week.. n the end never..

thoughts by pple like me who has alot of free time.

raining day=gd day

slept early ytd night, woke up early this morning..

slping enuff + waking up early = gd mood

the tired feeling is gone, and the ache is much much better..

realised how easily affected i am.. by outside influences..

being annoyed, frustrated, irritated, fed up, pissed and so on, plus showing my emotions thru body language and facial expressions have become so natural that i no longer hesitate in doing so.

i know that i am rude by showing what i feel.. but if i cant even show what i'm feeling, den why are we given expressions? to hide?

nowadays, i cant even try hard to be considerate.. i need more of patience and tolerance.

when i dun feel happy, i dun go ard smiling and act as though everything is going on fine. nor do i try to engage in conversation and all when i'm not exactly in the chatty mood. until the point whereby i think that others are immune to my negative mood expressions that they juz dun give a damn abt me. coz they're too used to it anyway..

i'm the black face jun. that's me.. sometimes, being expressionless and emotionless doesnt mean that i'm angry, or pissed. i'm either too tired to even give an expression, or i cant be bothered to. last time, jeff also told me that when i dun smile, i look as though the whole world is against me or that i'm angry.. but i'm not.. coz i think that when i dun deliberately want to express a certain emotion, all my facial mucles are relaxed, hence the "black face" look. dun be too quick to judge ya.

slacking my weekend away, as usual.. everyone seems to be very busy with their schedules, rushing projects, meeting deadlines, working and all. and i'm still the same old me, relaxing, doing work when needed, leaving things till i feel like doing them. i reflect on my life, and i feel pathetic. there are pple out there struggling to survive, fighting with death, striving for excellence, slogging for money for survival. in comparison, i'm like a worm. juz slacking. like a pig, juz eating and slping. like an idiot. juz stoning.

i dunno wat i want in life. juz go with the flow. no aims, no goals, nth. looking at my clsmates, they have ambitions, mission in life and all.. owning a restaurant, be a bartender, reaching certain target they set for themselves. and i'm at the same spot, waiting, waiting, waiting. waiting for what? i dunno. juz wait and see. very laid back approach.

i'm no longer in sec school. even goals i set for myself seems out of reach, and sometimes, dreams seem diffused. everything is in a blur. i'm confused and lost. i can no longer set a target and reach out for it. times are changing so fast and the same goes for my goals. my indecisive nature quicken the process of being uncertain in what i want. in sec sch, i can have simple targets like going to a polytechnic and getting gd results for my Os. now, even simple goals seem so hard to achieve. y is this so? izzit bcoz i'm in a diff education system? or izzit that time has changed? or izzit me? juz me?

i dun like to be an aimless person. but what's the use of setting goals when i obviously cant set my mind on working towards them? i feel as if i'm juz drifting in and out of slp. in and out of my conscious and subconscious mind. juz waking up to do routine stuff and getting back into bed, till the nxt day where i repeat what's going to happen.

and y am i complaining of my monotonous life? y? i shld be happy that nth too drastic happens and leave me stranded, at a lost as to what to do. i shld be contented and not take for granted all that i have and built up. but this is one of the days whereby the environment i am in sets me thinking, allows me to have alot of these thoughts. thoughts that busy pple most prob wont be thinking of. thoughts that most of u would dismiss as useless and biased. but somehow, the calming effect of the rain always managed to stir up my thoughts on these opinions, views, judgements, midsets and all. i couldnt explain y. but it is so.

sat after training..

back from training.. tired, as usual..

think i overstretched my right shoulder muscle during bow exercise.. it hurts when i try to pull and the strain is horrible.. in addition, the bow kept slipping off my hand, then had to "put down" immediately, arbo the bow will hit me.. and that JK still asked me if doing half of the training is one of my motives for standing at the back..

again, the TP CHINA soccer players came, and played on the field.. from time to time, we got to go and ask them to get off the field.. so amny of them, so few of us.. and they DUN UNDERSTAND ENGLISH!! ask them to get off the field or play after the cricket net so many times.. they disrupted the training until i fed up..

when we started keeping the range, they started swarming out onto the field and began playing.. we're not done yet lor.. during warm down, their ball rolled over and the whole grp started running towards our direction.. and one of them almost hit me.. luckily i siam fast enuff.. arbo sure bang into me de.. by then, my face damn black le.. damn frustrated and irritated..

after team talk and debrief, i went straight back home.. couldnt stand it.. half of tembusu filled with china and myamar student, blabbering and shouting in foreign languages.. headache.. at the bus stop oso not any better.. so many pple sitting on the pavement, waiting for 518.. the trip home sux too.. waited so damn long for all my buses.. and all of them filled, with pple.. and they gave me the ur-bag-so-big-y-are-u-squeezing-public-transportation-with-us-look.. damn.. when i finally found a seat, i placed my long bag vertically and fell asleep.. all the way till the stop where i'm supposed to alight..

darn tired.. damn tired, super tired.. tired plus body aching.. later ask my youngest sis to massage my back for me..

middle of the night!

remember this quote from mother theresa, since some teacher told me in secondary sch. sth like this:

[Give until it hurts, until you feel the pain.] then that is giving..

the example and quote i'll remember for life.. a comparison between a rich and a poor person.. the poor person earns like maybe $20 a day and yet he gave $10 to charity, leaving juz enuff for his expenses.. another rich multimillionaire, gave the same $10.. in contrast, the poorer one is really showing/ displaying the spirit of giving..

like i say, it's an example.. change the figures abit, the underlying meaning is still there..

the 9 pm channel 8 show "hai you ming tian" has an unexplained impact on me.. it makes me wanna give more to the society, help those who really needed help.. it's not like those stupid nonsense and unmeaningful tcs shows that is full of romance and quarrels.. this show makes pple think and wanna do their part for those less fortunate, at least to me that's the case..

giving till it hurts.. giving till it hurts.. till i feel the pinch.. that's really meanigful.. maybe to some pple, that's crap.. juz some way to so call "cheat" pple of their money by donating.. budden.. it somehow has that impact on me.. i dunno y.. it's juz a show.. juz another of the mediacorp shows.. y am i so affected? and it's not like i watched every episode.. i missed the whole of season 1.. it makes me want to help them, want to know them, want to lessen their pain, want to share their sorrows, want to make them happy, want to improve their lives..

and i ask myself this very simple qn: "am i able to do it?" and i know the answer.

i couldnt explain y out of so many things the teachers told me in high sch, the thing i remember clearest is this. not any of the sciences, not english, not SS, not chinese, not maths and certainly not geog.. y this? i ask myself..

when i read the newspapers sometimes and happened to see an article regarding pple needing money to help their family member raise medical fees, i often wonder.. how many kind souls actually did, or helped in some way.. and does the doctors and nurses ever donated part of their salary to the fund to help these needy pple?

and sometimes, i wonder y god is so unfair.. there're pple who're born healthy but die young.. yet he gave life to those unfortunate ones who're born handicapped or sickly, yet make them suffer for years.. y is that so? y is this so unfair? y there can never be equality for all mankind? y muz the world be classifies into diff categories like 1st world and 3rd world countries? y muz some pple be looked down upon whereas others muz be treated wif due respect? y is this so?!!

u know.. we often hear pple say that kids are juz so full of life.. suddenly, i got the urge to bring them to the hospital and take a good look at those kids fighting hard juz to live.. and those who're diagnosed with some terminal illness and all they can do is to wait for death.. and the look on their families' faces.. and the atmosphere and all..

when can i ever do my part as a being in this world to help those that needs assistance? and how can i contribute to making the lives of others better? i know that contributing to the nation is impt, but yet again, contributing to mankind surpass all things doesn it? oh well, the SJAB motto pops up :service to mankind.. how many of us are actually able to do it? how many mother theresas are there in the world? how many of those pple are out there doing all that they can in order to restore hope in those pple who's given up long ago? and how many of us are sitting ard, living our own lives and not giving a damn abt others, thinking that we're already very unfortunate and shld let those "more fortunate" aka richer pple help? and how many of us are juz like me, thinking and pondering.. but actions speak louder than words.. that we all know.. but who's taking the initiative to actually take the 1st step in "beautifying" the ugly world?

this sets me thinking abt the pass-it-on campaign.. the bring it forward deed thingy.. how many of us "commoners" are actually actively practising it? how much money have they spent on advertising? and y cant they juz donate them for better cause? we all KNOW that we muz do gd deeds.. but how many of us actually cares abt it?

a gd deed is done when u're not consciously aware of it. it is an instinct.. and how to instill instinct in us? it's definitely not by advertising. it doesnt help.. coz i'm not convinced.. if we deliberately do sth nice for others so that we can fell gd abt doing it, then i think the whole thing loses it's purpose..

omg~ it's getting late.. gotta turn in liao.. shall blog another day, provided if i got more crap stuff to write..

thursday, formal day.

biz suit today!! shini commented that my shoes are nice.. =) happy!! and pants suit is defiitely more comfortable.. haha.. they say that the pants also nice.. hehe.. love it!

was thinking abt stuff when Mr Nair told us that when we wear biz suits, we all tend to be more self conscious den usual.. and he gave some examples:

1) u wont be slouching in ur chair during lessons
2) transportation: MRT and bus.. u'll want to stand instead of seat, coz scared ltr jacket got crease, pants or skirts dirty or what..

and i realised it's true, although point 2 aint exactly the case.. i'd rather sit down, but i'll be extra careful, like make sure the seat is clean b4 sittig down, and subconsciously, i'll be trying to "look" better.. walking properly, straight, sitting nicely and all.. didnt notice it in the past.. until he said it.. really.. den with makeup, i'll try not to touch my face with my hands, or rest my chin on my hand.. and the shoes make it impossible to walk big steps.. haha..

after cls, someone asked if she could wear the kinda top i wore today coz in one of the powerpoint slides, he mentioned abt shirts and all, what we muz take note.. den he said "muz look neat lah, like this.." referring to me.. yeah.. happy again.. thot i looked quite presentable today.. not that messy like last week.. lolx..

come to realise that she is actually quite alright.. easy to get along with.. so all those rumours i set aside.. my mistake.. nvm.. now that i know, i'll adjust my mindset.. finetune my perceptions and erase some of my assumptions..

thank you to all those who taught me accounting today!! especially to huihui, nixon and joy.. haha.. actually i'm quite dumb sia.. they all dunno i got a blog.. lolx.. but nvm.. i happy jiu hao.. lolx..

oh ya.. FINALLY saw mark today.. haha.. was waiting for tina they all when he walked past.. call so many times u still didnt see me sia.. mark.. u seriously need another pair of glasses!! arbo go make contacts!! =P

tuesday

been taking 72 with tina and eve after lecs these for the past 2 weeks.. it started on that super great day when we 38 all the way.. haha.. now i'm half of their 72-mate..

had marketing tut today and guess what? yeah.. PBL as usual.. den the FILA concept, den divide wkload.. after cls, was discussing abt finding info.. wah.. didnt know he's so kiasu one.. borrowed 6 books sia.. i was asking abt researching info online.. and he gave tt "what!" look.. ask me to "pls search from a reliable source.. best if u could find frm books in the library.."

wah.. 1st time project grpmates tell me what to do and where to find info sia.. as if i dunno find frm library better.. coz internet alot of junk info.. budden, most of the books are being borrowed!! coz pple all dun want to lose mah.. sianz.. in the end, i photocopied some stuff frm that only hospi marketing book in red spot.. really didnt get it.. internet is also a resource and i think that sometimes, online info can be as gd as, if not better than library books.. excluding the relevance of the search materials, i think that online, with searcg engines, i'm able to find info much faster, coz i can search for key words.. not like books, all manual work.. and oh ya.. forgotten 1 impt thing.. given that i always search for IRrelevant info, i think internet is a better alternative.. so i wont borrow the wrong book or sth..

anyway, was toking to hui squared and the director wants to see her tml..think for the sat awards thingy.. was asking her how many Zs she got for last sem.. she got 2 only!1 and i continue to ask for the 1st sem results.. guess what? 4 Zs ONLY!! so altogether she ONLY got 6Zs.. distinctions sia.. den the rest all As and Bs.. NO C.. she was still sorta complaining that she only got distinctions for abt 50% of the subjects.. sian sia.. i hear liao i zi tao lao diao.. haha.. furthermore, she was asking me abt the awards.. y no money de.. lolx..

sian sia.. juz realised that i've a learning log, notes to read and quiz for culi sci to be done this week, den my thurs tut still haven do yet, notes haven transfer yet, fri tut observation thingy haven plan yet, haven do any research yet and all.. how to ccok lidat!! i dunno how to make sauces for main course.. neither do i now how to conjure appetizers out of nowhere.. everything muz be done from scratch.. sianz.. double sian.. and the chicken dunno muz wrap wat thingy.. and seriously, i cant rem the steps from the short demo.. oh ya.. and heard frm tina that we cant copy wat the chefs did for their demos.. wah.. sianz..

den the thot of wearing court shoes for bus etiquette tml already makes me feel as if my feet hurts.. think i muz get out of the i-cant-and-dun-like-to-wear-heels-mindset.. now muz change to the heels-are-part-of-my-dresscode kinda thing.. fighty adapt to the feeling of putting strain on the feet and legs, which is damn bad in the long run.. but who cares.. i MUST be comfy wearing those killer things NOW.. next time next time den say.. haah..

test result

i did this test last sem.. take a look..

What do your responses tell us?
Although your scores were generally quite good, you scored well outside the normal range in at least one category. This suggests that you should probably consult with a mental health professional for further testing or treatment. There is most certainly a professional out there who can help improve the symptoms you are experiencing.
The following are the areas of concern detected by the screening:
· You have suffered from what appears to be a brief psychotic episode. This could be a product of many different disorders, both mental and physical. See a psychiatrist for further diagnosis.
· You appear to suffer from obsessional thoughts.
The test also detected symptoms of one or more disorders that did not meet all the criteria, but that may still merit treatment.
The following are the areas of concern detected by the screening:
· You have experienced symptoms of a major depressive episode, but not enough to qualify as a full-blown episode, or as major depressive disorder.
· You have experienced symptoms of a manic episode. (huh?)
· Although you meet the criteria for the frequency of symptoms, your symptoms do not appear to be severe enough to meet the criteria for Bipolar disorder.
· You experience some symptoms of Simple Phobia. (what's that? dun tell me there's a complicated phobia or what..)
· You experience some symptoms of Social Phobia. (phobia again? wat that makes me? a person who views mankind as monsters?)
· You experience some symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. (hey.. i learnt this in psycho b4.. but cannot rem what it is.. )
· You experience some symptoms of Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia. (wth!!)
· You appear to suffer from some symptoms of Borderline Personality disorder. (me? a prob with what? borderline personality what?!! never hear b4.. muz be some funny names the website creates juz to entertain pple like me.. haha..)


i didnt know i'm suffering from so many phobias, most of which i didnt even know exist!! and yeah.. maybe i do need therapy or sth?

lalala

150+ came over to my hosue ytd and we had fun making earrings and necklaces..

they called at abt 7+. when i juz came back frm training.. yiping was telling me that they were feeling bored so they decided to buy materials and DIY personalised things.. haha.. had fun doing that, although i admit that i'm so totally not cut out for those arty things..

spent like 2 hrs crapping and doing, with the frequent "oops.. drop again.. pass me the plier, where is this and where is that..."

the outcome is alright.. it's like those usual beads earrings i get from shops.. but it's the sense of achievement.. feels gd.. haha.. it's even more fun than baking coz there's no need to wash up after everything and things wont be broken accidentally, the floor wont be greasy, and less things to pack up definitely..

BL gotta leave earlier coz GW called and he's waiting for her.. so QY and YP stayed on for awhile more.. in the end we had a laughing session.. saw this stack of photos in a paperbag.. my sis took it out to rearrange i suppose.. den they were looking thru them and came across this photo of my bro which he looked absolutely hilarious.. the hair and facial expression.. was laughing our heads off.. after that, i brought out some albums for them to see.. most of the time, we laughed at my bro.. abit stupid lah.. but fun..

BL commented that my family is very loving.. and i agree.. although we have the usual quarrels, arguments, flare-ups and all, much more than other families coz they are so many of us, we're still quite close.. was listening to the FM a few days back and the DJ was toking abt children not communicating with parents and that all they say to one another was "i'm back" "how's sch" "go bathe" and the usual school thingy.. but i realised that i chat to my mom.. tell her things when i'm feeling angry over sth, or when i'm super crappy, or when i'm very happy.. i did talk, and when i start, i cant stop.. haha.. until the point whereby she'll complain that i tok too fast and too much.. hehe..

maybe i've taken all these for granted.. coz to me it's juz so natural that my family is like that.. i wont trade anything to exchange this family of mine.. it's a big family, a noisy one, a loud one, a quarrelsome one.. but it's also a happy one, a sharing one, a contented one and a loving one.. i'm glad i've so many siblings snatching things with me.. food actually taste nicer when more pple are there.. happiness actually grows when i share it with them.. juz that sometimes, u feel as if u dun have any privacy, personal space.. but sharing can be so frustrating that i got to hide my chocolates coz if i juz leave it ard, the nxt thing i know, they're gone.. maybe they'll be kind enuff to leave the empty packet for me.. or maybe juz one bite.. lolx...

loving yeah.. it's gd.. and i'm lovin' it..

THE SUNDAY crapTIMES

wahaha.. found one of my last sem's clsmate's blog.. hmm.. interesting huh.. the 1st post i read was abt why his blog posts are so short and why he's such a terrible blogger..

the answer he gave was that he's simple.. he doesnt have depression sessions and that he's always positive.. hmm.. interesting huh.. was reading thru and i wondered if i'm the exact opposite?

coz for one, i've lots and lots of things to blog.. my entries are damn long, and i always managed to find crap to say, or negative thots to include.. so does that mean that i'm a fantastic blogger? lolx.. juz so bcoz i'm not simple? lolx.. we're all not simple.. hey there.. we humans are complex creatures.. when are we ever simple? lolx..

and i dun think i can EVER be ALWAYS positive.. we have to be somewhat in balance.. although we tend to tilt to one side more, either positive or negative.. budden, i cant even imagine someone being always happy, always positve, always feeling gd.. it's juz so.. not right..

maybe coz he hasnt been thru alot? i dunno.. i'm juz assuming.. u see.. if one of ur loved ones passed away, or is in grave danger or sickness, it's natural that u'll feel sad.. dun tell me that u'll look at the positive side of like coz some powerful being is delivering those u love from misery and pain. it's a whole lot of crap..

we're given feelings so that we can experience them, express ourselves, and not that we shld shun from showing those more "negative" ones juz bcoz they're "not gd". i feel that it's the same as "we are never given dreams without the power to make them come true".. we're never given feelings without the chance to experience them in our lifetime.. it's juz a matter of time.. never had the sad feeling? wait till someone u treasure passed away..

life's fair.. i think so.. it's juz god playing with time.. for example, for someone who's been thru alot, lost their family when they were young coz of some tragedy, they'll learn to be independent and all that they've been thru hardened them and they are who they are today.. for those who're fortumate enuff to have pple loving them and all, they'll leanr to be dependent and when those ard them moved on or passed away, they're left feeling lost and all, and they have to start being independent and having more responsibilities than before.. so u see.. if it's not a matter of time, then what is it? i agree, although luck does plays a part, we cannot always count on the heng-suay thingy.. coz all of us get to experience the suayness mah.. even so, most pple cant get out of the pit when the suay hit them.. and those who're heng juz seem to get heng-er.. anyway, it's a whole lot of crap here.. not practising paragraphing again.. coz i sian mah. paragraphing oso lidat.. the words also come out mah.. no diff to me.. that's all from one small thot of mine.. yeah.. almost forgotten why i blog this entry.. toking abt the relationship between short posts and terrible blogger. lolx.. refer to my above crap and u'll know.. bye.

SATURDAY IN TP

went to NE talk today.. woke up super early and as usual, stuck in sch till super late..

went to the library after lunch.. was reading 3 pages of this book and i fell asleep on the comfy chair in level 3.. with soothing music playing the whole time.. woke up and realised tt it's abt time for taining..

hmm.. shot 48 arrows for 1 round.. 8 arrows for one end.. den calculate the total arrows for the highest 6 arrows for each END, the lowest 6, the medium 6 and the total 48 arrows scores.. the difference between my highest total and lowest total was abt 50.. weisoon was 39.. his scores are wow~

his lowest is my highest sia.. 288 or sth lidat.. i also got abt there.. great scores for me i can say.. upon 360 leh.. i used to score abt 170-190 only.. and when i juz started out, i got 55.. lolx.. ken was like telling us that the lowest scores was when we're tired.. so if we're tired, our arrows can only lose like 1 point.. so i got abt 50.. so for me is a balance of abt a drop in 1 or 2 points when i'm tired, which is gd news to me..

a yr 1 came to join our training today.. reminds me of my 1st training.. he quite heng sia.. today's PT still alright although i feel damn tired.. my left hand hurts, the left shoulder feels weak. my right fingers feel sensitive, numb, tender or watever u all call that painful feeling.. the feeling is somewhat like ropeburn.. but it's at the fingers..

ran IN tembusu grove today coz there was thunder.. so the team event cancelled.. the running part still alright for me.. but we gotta do pushups.. 20 times the std pumpings, 20 times the supposingly back muscle hands wider than shoulders, palms facing out position and 10 times of the triangle-diamond thingy.. sianz...

i'd rather do bow exercises and run ard the filed instead of that.. shifted my sight till the extreme right, juz like my ragim.. and still, my arrows fly right.. asked ken and he put a plunger on my bow.. after which, i no need to offset le.. happy..

did 2nd end of scoring, this time each end only 6 arrows instead of 8.. i got 233/360.. considered gd for me liao.. a couple of 2s and 3s.. but more reds and yellows.. so balance out.. this score is 1 point higher than my lowest score for the 48 arrow thingy, which is supposed to be a gauge of the diff in scores when i'm tired and when i'm not.. this score shows that i'm tired le.. coz it's ard the same as wat i got juz now..

they still asked ard who's going to shoot tml at AAS range.. i'm confirm not going.. heard kevin saying that it's not productive if we train so much and get ourselves tired today and yet go down to AAS and train again tml.. it's a waste of time and i agree with that so i aint gonna do it.. for me is worse.. 2 consecutive days already made me dead tired.. one more day den i'm gone.. haha..

as usual, didnt go for dinner with them.. came home straight, bathe and feel clean and nice.. den cut dragon fruit and eat in front of the com.. isnt that nice? sth cold to eat, sth comfortable to sit on, feeling nice and smelling gd, away from the weekend dinner crowd, without my big bag, without contacts, feeling at ease, and ready to fall asleep any moment..

CRAP TOPIC AGAIN.. MIND WANDERS, FURTHER AND FURTHER, INTO A PLACE CALL ETERNITY..

in life, things somehow juz dun go the way we want it to..

mr nair, my APEL teacher, was asking us abt wat we'll want or think when we're on our deathbed or if we know that we're abt to die.. nixon said that he'll asked for 3 wishes, use 2, den wish for another 3 wishes for the last one..

1st thing to come to my mind: i'll regret the things that i've regretted in the past..

i dunno y.. but after tt, these words kept flashing in my thoughts.. i guess it's true that somwtimes, when we regret certain risks that we didnt take, certain decisions we made, certain mindsets and beliefs that we hold fast to, and didnt realise that these made up part of our lives and determine who we are today..

as humans, we often wondered what we'll be NOW IF my decisions in the PAST were different.. and more often den not, we'll tend to be unhappy coz we WANT TO know how it feels like IF we took another path LAST TIME..

but have u ever look at this in a diff light? WHAT IF we took the other way.. will we still be like that? wondering the consequences and results we'll get IF we chose the other choice(sorry.. cant think of any substitute for choice)? YES we will.. coz we humans are funny.. we often wonder abt the things that didnt happen to us, even if what and where we are now is satisfactory to us.. we'll go further and tend to force ourselves into the wat-if-the-other-option-gives-a-better-outcome-den-the-one-i'm-having-now trap??

funny isnt it? because we have never been thru it, that's y we WANT TO try out? or is it becoz we have unlimited wants, therefore even if we somehow met our objectives in life, we still tend to want more and think that something better is definitely out there..??
isnt treasuring the present more impt than anything and everything else?

i dunno.. maybe we are simply unable to fill up the emptiness in us.. maybe there's something in us that's like a pot with a hole in the botton.. that's y it can never be filled.. that's y we can never be satisfied for long.. isnt that so? even when we're basking in happiness, after awhile, we'll tend to look ard us, and come to this ever-standing dunno whether it's true conclusion that others are definitely having a better lfie den us.. haha.. wat a joke.. i'm amazed by human's vast intelligence and limitless stupidity.. why on earth would we be like that?

historically, we humans evolved from apes, and since we have this funny mentality, does the ape family have it too? i'm toking abt the chimpanzes getting jealous over the monkey and the monkey going green with envy over the gorilla.. sth lidat.. or maybe they operate on a diff kinda environment.. maybe the whole grp prefers to be like the elephants? or the hippo? i dunno.. maybe they are.. coz the elephants are made to piggyback kids.. maybe they hate that, and prefers to be captured on camera coz they think that they deserves to be on film coz they're more photogenic den the monkeys.. and maybe the monkeys are bored with the flashlights and having to put their arms over lotsa strangers all day and longed to juz lazed ard in the dirty water like the hippos? where pple most prob shun coz the area is too smelly? so that pple wont come and disrupt their slacking life?

i dunno.. wat a boring day.. taken a nap le.. done half of my work for tml.. dun think will be going to PPCC later.. that'll eman that after lec tml, i have to rush home, den get ready with lightning speed, den somehow "fly" to PPCC.. but nvm.. that's the price to pay for having lessons on wed..