raining day=gd day
slept early ytd night, woke up early this morning..
slping enuff + waking up early = gd mood
the tired feeling is gone, and the ache is much much better..
realised how easily affected i am.. by outside influences..
being annoyed, frustrated, irritated, fed up, pissed and so on, plus showing my emotions thru body language and facial expressions have become so natural that i no longer hesitate in doing so.
i know that i am rude by showing what i feel.. but if i cant even show what i'm feeling, den why are we given expressions? to hide?
nowadays, i cant even try hard to be considerate.. i need more of patience and tolerance.
when i dun feel happy, i dun go ard smiling and act as though everything is going on fine. nor do i try to engage in conversation and all when i'm not exactly in the chatty mood. until the point whereby i think that others are immune to my negative mood expressions that they juz dun give a damn abt me. coz they're too used to it anyway..
i'm the black face jun. that's me.. sometimes, being expressionless and emotionless doesnt mean that i'm angry, or pissed. i'm either too tired to even give an expression, or i cant be bothered to. last time, jeff also told me that when i dun smile, i look as though the whole world is against me or that i'm angry.. but i'm not.. coz i think that when i dun deliberately want to express a certain emotion, all my facial mucles are relaxed, hence the "black face" look. dun be too quick to judge ya.
slacking my weekend away, as usual.. everyone seems to be very busy with their schedules, rushing projects, meeting deadlines, working and all. and i'm still the same old me, relaxing, doing work when needed, leaving things till i feel like doing them. i reflect on my life, and i feel pathetic. there are pple out there struggling to survive, fighting with death, striving for excellence, slogging for money for survival. in comparison, i'm like a worm. juz slacking. like a pig, juz eating and slping. like an idiot. juz stoning.
i dunno wat i want in life. juz go with the flow. no aims, no goals, nth. looking at my clsmates, they have ambitions, mission in life and all.. owning a restaurant, be a bartender, reaching certain target they set for themselves. and i'm at the same spot, waiting, waiting, waiting. waiting for what? i dunno. juz wait and see. very laid back approach.
i'm no longer in sec school. even goals i set for myself seems out of reach, and sometimes, dreams seem diffused. everything is in a blur. i'm confused and lost. i can no longer set a target and reach out for it. times are changing so fast and the same goes for my goals. my indecisive nature quicken the process of being uncertain in what i want. in sec sch, i can have simple targets like going to a polytechnic and getting gd results for my Os. now, even simple goals seem so hard to achieve. y is this so? izzit bcoz i'm in a diff education system? or izzit that time has changed? or izzit me? juz me?
i dun like to be an aimless person. but what's the use of setting goals when i obviously cant set my mind on working towards them? i feel as if i'm juz drifting in and out of slp. in and out of my conscious and subconscious mind. juz waking up to do routine stuff and getting back into bed, till the nxt day where i repeat what's going to happen.
and y am i complaining of my monotonous life? y? i shld be happy that nth too drastic happens and leave me stranded, at a lost as to what to do. i shld be contented and not take for granted all that i have and built up. but this is one of the days whereby the environment i am in sets me thinking, allows me to have alot of these thoughts. thoughts that busy pple most prob wont be thinking of. thoughts that most of u would dismiss as useless and biased. but somehow, the calming effect of the rain always managed to stir up my thoughts on these opinions, views, judgements, midsets and all. i couldnt explain y. but it is so.
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