time wasnt and isnt on my side

guess sth doesnt want me to post that entry juz now..

NTU-IVP today.

misses, more misses and more misses again...

shot real lousy. comparing my scores at the same grounds a yr ago, i DE-proved by abt 70 marks bah..

no excitement. nothing.

guess i'm a jinx. if only i nv shoot that end against NTU. we might stand a chance for the gold medal match. HahA, Didi and krystle performing well today. 162:175.. only 12.. if i didnt shoot that 3 arrows, we stand a chance.. if only aishah went in my place instead.

the bronze medal match against NUS. they aced and finished the com with a nice 219.. it's upon 270.. about what we used to score when karin was wif us..

i tyco got a medal. again. 6 competitions all by luck i guess. today was the worse. no happy thoughts, no excitement, nothing. prepared to return home empty-handed.. but i carried a little sth else with me. sth heavy.

the scoring rounds i did so badly that it's even worse den during normal trainings.. 30m.. and i missed, again and again.. my mind was blank.. up to a point i felt scared coz of the void. put some music in my head. felt slightly better but den, the sound drained out again. guess i went into the wrong zone.

and to think that today's weather was good. the sun is still out, but not glaring.. plus, it's quite breezy.. dun hav the iritated mood when the hot sun burns me. but i still.... screw up. individual scoring is nothing. i dun feel ashamed, nor guilty. to me it's juz another scoring end. juz like in school. but the team event. i am proud, that they did well, very well. glad for them.

i got a medal. that's an undeniable fact. but i dun recognise it. i dun earn it. i dun deserve it. so it doesnt deserve a place to be with the others of its kind.

1st com i didnt stay for dinner with the team. went home. tired? maybe. i dunno. couldnt sit ard with them and laugh with them talking abt things that i hav no idea about. if i force myself to go, all i'd do is polite conversations and give short replies. it's so unfair. there are so many others in the team that deserves the medal much more than me. and i'm refering to those pple who put in effort and hard work. and even the blind can feel their passion in the sport and the will to do well..

but that person is not me. and i got it. luck. that's the only logical reason i can come up with.

goal setting, setting goals. SMART goals aint any use. it doesnt work on me. maybe i didnt try hard enough?

i finally know what pple meant by dreams. i see their faces light up and glow. but sadly, i didnt see it in me.

saw yiping and lotti at kovan on my way home.. plus jerome and his gf.. reminded me of this:

[Go away~ i have enough friends]

it was till i reached home den i realised how tired and horrible i look today. totally yucks.. but watever.. i care. but i cant do anything abt it.

if the archery pple see this but i dun think they will, i want to say:
congrats to aishah for winning the std cls women and TF for C cls.. and the pple tt won the bronze medals.. altogether 3 teams.. luck surfaced once again. plus the yr ones.. continue with their improvemetn rate and they'll bag the prizes for the next com. all the best to the rest of the team who showed how discipline they are thru the results of their hardwork.. all the best.

next com. when is it? i think that falls during SIP..

heart is drained... wont be on my mind... for forever?

the girl got on innocent. i finished mine a few days ago. how i miss it..

JB.JB.JB

many thnks to Viy and Cherrie, for this wonderful trip that we've been planning for a yr..

i FINALLY met my objective of eating the beef noodles.. the soup darn tasty..

shopping there was fun but i realised i became a bit paranoid after seeing the signs "beware of pickpockets" all over and the reminders from my mom.. i kept checking my bag every now and then.. it's so totally unlike wat i'd do in s'pore. but at least we went on a gd day.. NO CROWDS!! yay!!

i'm so glad i bought the contacts there... 1 whole yr supply at a MUCH lower cost than s'pore.. again, thanks to viy coz she knows the person there.. haha..

after shopping at City Plaza, we took a M'ysia bus and went to another shopping centre.. that place even lesser pple coz weekday afternoon ulu timing... went to coffee beans and slack... as usual... before shopping again..

took a cab down to a place for dinner at RM5.. it's abt the rate when we enter s'pore cabs? haha..

the stingray there v. NICEY... hot.. the sauce very nice also.. haha...

went to viy's fren's saloon to cut hair.. 1st time in my life 2 pple help me blow dry my hair.. the doggie there got a blur face.. haha.. and the golden retriever next door very nice, and obedient..

proceeded to viy's house after tt.. her bro's room damn power.. like some secret hiding place.. haha.. slacked for awhile b4 her fren Leaf came to pick up up to go to SS(still dunno wat it stands for) for supper in her new car.. damn zai lor.. can go wherever u want in ur car.. haha.. the tom yam soup there very special.. the prata-like thingy there also nice.. actually the chrispy one nicer.. haha.. that place very cosy.. dunno how long we sat there sia.. watching golf and tennis and chatting abt ghosts..

Leaf drove us ard that area for awhile and we went back to viy's house.. her room without lights is instant darkness.. even at 10 in the morning.. so cosy i felt as if it's still the wee hrs.. haha.. no wonder she's always late for school!!

went for beef noodles this mornin!!!! finally.. yum yum... went to city square after breakfast.. bought roti boy there.. yum yum again.. then shop ard b4 going to secret recipe for CAKES and soup.. the cheesecake there nicey~ and cheap, compared to s'pore.. haha.. sorry viy ar.. can't help NOT converting.. and i still want to eat the egg!! haha...

came back to s'pore but went causeway point shopping.. the only diff is that causeway point packed... went mos and had "tea." den here i am at my grandpa's house..

it's 2 days of eating and shopping and eating and shopping and eating again! CONTENTED... haha

and i met a salesperson with the same name as me.. haha.. so qiao...

title-less

proj meeting with half the grp. coz only 3 present.

PPCC training. got tired after i cant seem to force my fingers to relax. felt like a zombie with stiff arms.. anyway, as usual, after giving up, i sat down and enjoy bball skills..

saw this very young boy. at most 140. from playing in a BIG grp to one-on-one to alone.

all the while he kept doing the same things over and over again. aiming, shooting, retrieving, defending and all.. never once he sat down to rest. den i think. maybe that's what they call discipline. when the pple ard u gave up and left, u hold fast to ur dreams.

i see the ball bouncing high and losing energy. and i witness the boy fueling the ball with more energy continuously. juz by looking, i can see how tiring it is for the short boy to even throw the ball from a distance. did he give up? no he didnt.

till a point in time, he did the opposite from scoring. and maths came to my mind. it's somewhat like that. u have the question, u have the answer. all u need is to find the means to get to the end...

packed up when PPCC got crowded and "embarked" on the looooooooong journey home.

went to the playground. surprisingly, the coast is clear and no screaming kids about. hence i did something that i never do for quite sometime. the swings... this time round, it's with a diff kinda mood with a diff motive.

the last few times i did it late into the night when everything was still. now, at dusk, things are portrayed in a diff light. i hear birds chirping, leaves rustling and kids laughing.. the happy things in life. my skills deteoriated soooo much thru the years.. due to my weight, i cant swing as high. the momentum wasnt as smooth as i remembered it to be. disappointment.. how can i nt be? but i'm glad i still relive my childhood moments thru the swings.. nothing else is as special as that. swing to my hearts content.

what abt you? what can make u a child again?

am thinking. if i come up with a list of "things i dunno/never notice abt myself" and ask my friends to fill up, is that possible? in life, shldnt we strive to understand ourselves more? coz when we have less doubts abt ourselves, we'll be more confident. and when we're more confident, we're more likely to succeed.

how to get a gd start when u hav a lousy end?

have you ever went to bed frowning?

i did. especially when i couldnt get to sleep.

we frown unknowingly when we're tense. facial muscles contract and we so called "display a bad mood face." actually is I.

this "body reaction" occurs when i try too hard to sleep at night. there i go into the "frowny" face when i try to shut my eyes tight and force myself to go to bed..

So i ask myself... How can i start off everyday anew when i end off each day in such a state? and how can my body hav adequate quality rest when i didnt allow it to fully relax?

and i guess.. maybe that's the reason why i look so tired.

thoughts recorded on 26 dec at 3.11 am..

3 short thoughts for a long day

it's life isnt it?

you plow ahead and make a hit.

and you plow on and someone passes you.

then someone passes them,

time levels.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

this sentence left a deep impression:

[you have not converted a man because you have silenced him]

this applies so much to life and says so much about beliefs.

1) someone uses authority to force another to keep quiet
2) someone threatens another to stay away from trouble
3) ur boss or parents ask u to "shut up"
4) someone giving in after a heated quarrel
5) a kid being slap coz he cried for wanting something
6) an elderly keeping quiet when others insult or scold them
7) someone killing another in order to "silence" him
:
:
:

and the list goes on...

juz because somehow or another, due to some power or rights, someone managed to "win" over the other in terms of the desired outcome. take number 3 for example. ur boss "ordered" you to keep quiet and listen to his views instead. due to legitimate power, he won. u cant do anything except "listen" to him.. did he succeed? yes he did. he managed to make u shut up. but does that change ur views that ur idea is better than his? NO.

u slap a child so that he does not yell anymore after u refused to buy him that "violent" toy. your actions stopped his cries. but have you changed his mind about wanting the toy? NO.. and because u think the toy will induce violent thoughts in the kid doesnt mean that he agrees with you. the desire juz got strongly.. yes he wont yell anymore but he wont agree with your "false" beliefs either.

on the surface, we might look as if we're being "bought over", "surpressed" or "convinced." deep down, the beliefs burn stronger.. there is NO way u can prevent this from happening. it's all in the mind.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

when asked, many would say that long term relationships need alot of compromise.

we give and we take. if there's really nothing we can do, we give and give. to many, that's unconditional love. that's when i ABSOLUTELY disagree. there is a time to give and a time to take. when u have misconceptions about that, the relationship is a gonna.

that's why i STRONGLY BELIEVE:

[Long term relationships need alot of LAUGHTER]

smile and laugh more. it's the happy feeling that brings about satisfaction, induces contentment and results in happiness.. by giving in, nothing will last.. trust me.. =)

REN

i realised the wonders of being around children again. last tuition class before CNY.

was feeling frustrated because i juz got to know most of the students frm 1A, they were juz beginning warming up to me and the classes got to stop. the twin brothers, esther, joyce, sirong, the very enthu little boy and another in the corner that reminds me of me.. kept reminding myself that i have to have more patience, tolerance and maintain the correct tone throughout the whole lesson.during the card making session, i have to make sure they dun hurt themselves by snatching the scissors or playing around with the glue or viying for the chance to write or decorate on the card.

really tried very hard not to raise my voice when the answer to everything i asked is 7. 20+7=7 and 30+3=7.. i kept telling myself that i have to be patience, patient and MORE patient. kept reminding myself to relax.. is it true that every class has a kid like that? last year i got one. this yr i got another. i dun mind them being slightly slower in learning as long as they put in the effort to do so. tolerating the kid's short attention span is a thing. giving the same answer although i clearly told her that it is wrong and digressing to other topics like "my father can write happy new year in chinese" is another. she kept wanting to do things instead of letting others have a turn. she does things when i say no and made other students pissed. pple finished the whole counting worksheet and she's still at the 1st page. i really dunno wat to do with her..

shifu told me that her mom is blind and her sis is a slow learner so we got to be more patience and show more "Care and concern" for her. but it's hard not to show favourtism. coz i already did. it's human's nature to like things that are more to what we desire, the opimum condition or situation so to say. because of her, i got to put other students on hold when they ask me for help. and it's hard to give undivided attention when the class is big. i hav to cater to the needs of other students as well.. and i'm exasperated..

"REN" (tolerate).. what a powerful word to serve as a constant reminder..

and children doesnt hide emotions do they? everything is shown on their faces. u'll know when u're nt giving them the attention they want. or how upset they are sometimes. of course u'll notice how bored and how much they want to get out of the seats too..

that's that joy of teaching.. to put myself in the shoes of the students when i'm a "teacher." that makes everything worthwhile..

GALLERY HOTEL!!

WHAT A PIECE OF LUCK. THANKS GOD!

was juz telling Peiling and Edelina before we sat for our POM paper that the SIP companies available are all that i dun wanna go to.. coz the hotels listed are... what i dun really want to go to.. they were saying that some of the hotels they want not available and to name some, four seasons and fullerton. i was telling them that i wanna go to theme hotels or rather concept hotels like gallery hotel!!!!!!!!! but it's not available THEN... was still in such a lousy mood coz all those SIP companies all.. erm.. not wat i want..

and well, the most miraculous thing happened!! checked the SIP link coz was searching for email add and saw the latest update!! gallery hotel's offering 8 places for HM students!! that means 1) i wont hav to fight wif those pple who desperately want to get into ritz and the other hotels, 2) 8 places mean higher chance of getting in den 4 places.. it's double the luck!! hahahahhahaa

okie.. wait.. it's 10 places!!!! hahahahhaha.. i hope i get in.. my resume and application letter doesnt sound so fantastic.. dun hav much things to include.. dunno how to elaborate.. but at least i'm motivated now ya.. FINALLY.. god sent news.. haha...

thanks for sending that wonderful goal. now all i need is a little luck. *wink

allow me the chance to tk that 1st step.. and the rest is up to me...

okie.. i sound like a lunatic getting excited over nth.. fine. haha

nursing meh?

cat called and woke me up at 1330 and asked for a 150+ gatheirng..

did some household chores coz my mom asked me to. but i was enjoying coz there's noone at home and everything was so peaceful, so quiet..

went to QY's house. met hwa san in the bus.. at first thot i see wrongly.. so when he walked past i called his name. so i'm right.. lolx.. more den a yr nv see him le.. he asked if i changed me fone coz the last time he msg, i didnt reply. say i never organise gathering.. haha.. dunno whether ah sok they all free or not.. now the whole gang sure working arbo going NS le mah..

halfway thru the conversation, he asked why i nv look at him and talk de.. and den i dunno why, but out of a sudden, i realised most of the time, i nv maintain eye contact when i talk. i prefer to look ard, or past the person's face, focusing on things behind.. coz he was asking me sth den i nv maintain eye contact, so my reply was as if i'm lying.. lolx..

he called me a perfectionist back den and i dunno why. still rem our chinese lessons talking abt those very "classic" chinese stories like hong lou meng, san guo yan yi and so on.. he can really chat with the teacher and analyse the characters and so on.. that's when me and jasmine sleep.. lolx..

and he thought i'm in nursing.. it's nt the 1st time pple think i'm studying nursing!!! when i said hospitality management, they replied "same lah.. hospital mah." dots.. -_-"'

went to J8.. changed so much.. i dun like the place. dunno why..

walked past coffeebean. wanted to, but didnt.

on request.. :)

as per Viy request, here's the entry.

this is the 1st sem after test papers i didnt go out with jiemeis..

went perfume hunting with celi and viy today.had a wonderful time laughing at lame comments..

most perfumes got a smiliar ingredient. hence the familiar scent.. but viy's choice is good. at least NO inventory, vintage, poison, air freshner, honeydew, ants-attraction, or funny weird scent..

btw, i think the best 3 voted by me is Viy's, Celi's and the O oi one.. hahaha.. the rest i guess i smell too much so dunno how to differentiate le..

favourite hangout, as usual, place for our usual photo-taking sessions and also slackerz' paradise aka beverage kingdom.. lolx..

i started grumbling after awhile.. but it feels so good to get some things off ya.. thanks to the 2 of u.. made my day..

cant wait for next thursday!!! viy.. remember to plan out an itinery hor.. where to go, wat to eat and so on.. hehe.. and i'm here to remind u not to break your promise to charlene.. arbo noone help her set up blog.. k lah.. enuff of crap for today le.. my eyes cant open le.. nitey..

ultimate happiness . happiness is the ultimate

i guess what we're looking for ultimately, is happiness.

in order to fulfill that intrinsic desire to satisfy your need, we accept the various options life has to offer. we seek happiness in relationships, in indulgence, in ultimate satisfaction and luxury.

we spoil ourselves rotten by being self-centered/self-contained, masking any hints we detect from our surrounding that we are not open to.

long before we realise, pathetic fools got into trouble.

we protect ourselves by hurting others, we shield others from hurting ourselves. endless cycle.

the end of it, a tragedy is when the one whom u hurt is ur dearest and the one you care hurts u the most.

life's as such. seek a balance.

infernal affairs

rather irritated. spent more den an hour in the bus listening to songs and going round hougang and serangoon area. saw huiyin on my way to grandpa's house. told me she knows my cousin. her fren's fren. watever~ got to know that youhui's dad passed away recently. she's going to visit at night and i dunno why she told me that.

wasnt in the mood to study last night, hence i watched all 3 parts of infernal affairs.

in the end, both the good and the bad died. they ended up killing each other.

fate makes it such that their lives are inter-linked.

pple who want to be good. they sacrifice to be bad so that they can be good.

black and white. scheming against one another. dont they know that there are grey areas?

didnt go to school for training.

1 last entry b4 i end off this day.

bo liao me browsing thru my journals again. translating stories from chinese to english.. had a solemn time reminiscing.

- bought a blouse. love it very much. so much so that i am reluctant to wear it for i might dirty the new clean top. months down the road, i took out the same blouse to realise that it is already out of fashion.
- bought a cake back then. a cake that looks so yummy that i curb my temptation by putting it in the fridge so that i can slowly savour it bit by bit instead of stuffing it down at one go. the cake was forgotten for i did not open the fridge frequently. days past. when i finally felt like eating it, the cake was already spoilt.
- these two examples are similar to that of a relationship. u must wear the blouse at the time when u like it. u must enjoy the cake at the point where u still have the craving. only then u truly possess it. once u missed the enjoyment period, what's left behind is only regret.

u know i thought about this quiet a number of times.. if there is a fire and i can only grab limited things before i run for safety. the 1st thing i reach out for would not be the money but my journals, my notebooks, my files full of memories. money i can always earn again. uncaptured memories are lost forever....

i once told a clsmate. i think there are 2 types of pple. and the real them will surface during an argument. one would dig up every single situation in the past and try to make it such that with such a long and substantial "data and history", the other person MUST give in. the other person, operates with blind spots, blcking out the "past" and focus on the present situation. this type of person can examine every single action, body language in detail so much so that his or her side of the argument is as "substantial" as the former. the 1st type of person are those who hold fast to their past memories. sad to say, they are the ones who will bear grudges.. the latter thinks that we all have to move on. things that are unworthy to be remembered muz be forgotten so that their lives can be smooth-er sailing.. this type of pple takes things more lightly, even "unworthy" friendships.. if the 2 parties are friends, then the 1st one would end off the argument with sth like "our friendship is over!" the 2nd one will say sth like "gd. now it's my fault. everything is my fault. i know i cant be as good. but i've tried!" then they move on.. and this memory is stashed away at a dark untouched corner deep in their hearts.

this is a similar story as the cashier in a busy store. the one who screams at the customer and the one who pretends everything is fine until one day he or she explodes, take out a gun and shoot the customer.

so after these 3 short stories, what do u think? guess many of u didnt even finish reading this.. lolx.. watever..

[Trapped mainly by wanting things to be exactly as they are, only better]

tree and wild flower story

food hygiene term test today.. surprisingly, it doesnt even feel like term test and lazy me only started studying this morning..

was listening to my fav radio prog this morning, taking a break from the bacteria names and heard this simple sharing by the DJ..

very long ago, there's this wild flower by a roadside, growing beside a big tree. it grew up by depending on the tree for nutrients and water. the tree sheltered the flower from the strong winds and heavy rain.. one day, a group of workers came and the sturdy tree was cut down. the flower was devastated. it is no longer under the protection of the tree. the heavy rain will beat down at it, the wind will rip the flower off by the root and nothing will spare mercy on the little flower by the roadside. somewhere off the road, another tree consoled the little flower, saying that without the tree the sun will shine directly at the flower, giving it optimun sunlight for photosynthesis. the dew and raindrops will ensure that the flower will get its supply of water. passerby will now stop to admire the flower that stands alone for now, there is no tree whereby it can hide behind. days pass and the flower realised that it became stronger and more resilient, for it has learnt to stand on its own "feet", learnt not to depend on others, acquire enough "skills" for survival..

this short story gave me such an important reminder.. the tree hasnt left the flower. the absence of the tree simply provide the flower a better environment for it to showcase its fullest potential, a chance for the flower to try and achieve more than it thinks it can on its own, and that something better will turn out..

so i juz sat there staring into space for abt half an hr.. it's gd.. my mind got its dose of relaxant and thoughts got flushed out of the system.. i love this kinda feeling.. even bacillus cereus sound so much easier after that..

heard this over the radio yesterday..

[人会快乐是因为他不计较. 计较的人是不会快乐的]

[我们人生不能说要就要, 说不要就丢掉.]

[过去的岁月以不会再回头, 未来的路仍然要走.]

[一杯咖啡, 一个知己, 一次倾听, 温暖你的人生.]

so true huh.. chinese words still mean much more..

and this is from an old song that i heard after the tsunami struck..

[i haven got the time, i haven got the room, i haven got the need for pain]
this pretty much sums up attitude huh..

and this article abt the tsunami caught my attention.

[at the mass graves, we watched as bodies were lifted out of vans. no records of death. only one policeman on duty. no law. no order. juz pple burying the dead. body after body. shovel after shovel.] when i read this, 我有莫名的感动. 很不可思议吧, 但就这么如此. that's y i saved it in my fone and got the urge to blog it down. things in life dun come easily.. in a moment u might be so touched, so enlightened by something someone said, but u didnt take it down, didnt make an effort to make it tangible. when time passes by, u'll forget all about it.. i have many such moments.. moments whereby i am simply too lazy to make that extra effort, thus losing many such chances. they might not matter to u, but they do to me. hope u find a way in which u'll be able to make wonderful words tangible. record those quotes. they'll be priceless in the days to come.

** did sth i thought i will never do.. u'll have to kill me to persuade me to join i-guides for open house.. but i did, out of my own accord. but it's biz i-guides only.. it came as a surprise, for me. lolx.. and i absolutely got no idea why unethu me would do so.. maybe coz it's 1 hr of training and 4 hrs of duty.. but i have no lack of SEAL points, so i dunno my motive for doing so actually.. but i did, and that's wat matters.. :)**

i dunno wat got into me. a classmate was telling me abt wat she heard frm XW.. in a matter of fact, it matters to me but my reaction doesnt tally with how i feel.. i appear so indifferent, as if couldnt care how others see me. stupid things like comments and impressions.. they affect me.. or maybe it's nt the issue. it's how she puts the point across to me.

i hate it when others interests are in conflict with mine. seems selfish huh.. another of those all-i-care-abt-is-me talks.. but how to show that i am upset with watever others are doing when it's a ratio of 3:1? i hate being the minority..

i find myself getting all worked up and upset or affected over the smallest things in life. i overlook the whole pictures.. i am too engrossed with the details that i miss out enjoying the whole painting.. certain things that meant alot to me now might be crap 3 years down the road but at least i did wat i want to do back then. i remembered once in primary 2 i got scolded by my chinese teacher in front of the whole class that i got so upset for so many days, thinking that my teacher hates me for being a bad student.. now that i think back, i find myself so innocent, so oblivious to the more important things in life.. life's like that.. pple get uptight for the wrong things many a time, making wrong decisions that they'll regret for life, maybe.

will end off with this:
[i saw a painting of 2 friends holding hands.. wonder how long it'll stay intact? it's old but never fading. wish we were that painting.. getting older yet never changing..]

.honest.

this post is created for the sole purpose of expressing myself, how i think i reacted, during archery trainings.

wanna apologise for my lousy behaviour, my sickening attitude and negative body language. also, my lack of communication. in fact, i dun even communicate. i know there are only a handful of them reading this, but i guess that's alright. i feel that i am an irritating person plus a damn lousy team player. i did realise that my attitude and behaviour on the general took a turn for the worse. i am not improving, not trying, not even wanting to put in effort. my mindset is inclined towards giving up and reverting back to my "watever, heck care" attitude.

i know facial expressions and body language plus tone of voice and choice of words are important to facilitate effective communication, but i practise all the wrong things. i know that by giving a "frown-y" face and "bo-chap" responses, pple will try to avoid me coz "she's in a bad mood. leave her alone." maybe i really did want to be left alone. i dunno. or maybe i dun.

who doesnt wanna do well? i know i want to. but success comes when passion is fueled with discipline. and that's wat i'm lacking. maybe i lose a bit of both. monique was telling me that today is my "perfect weather." i really think so. it's the ideal conditions in which i would and by right should love and enjoy the whole training. but today, i told her that the weather is perfect, but other conditions arent. it's sth like wat we learn in econs.. ceteris paribus or sth lidat which means other things kept constant. maybe the external factor is great but i have problems with internal factors..

i think shini would know how i felt right now. i received her message juz now. it suddenly got to me that we do things without thinking sometimes which might lead to some misunderstandings.. and when things calm down and we are given the luxury of time to juz reflect and think, we feel like giving ourself a knock on the head and the feeling of guilt sets in...

i am a selfish person. getting "selfishier" by the day. i cant be trying hard to please everyone day in and out, at home and outside. so i've learnt to find an outlet. and i'm so sorry to say that archery is at the top place of my "negativities deposit centres."

i gues the reason why it is my "top choice" is because a cca gives me the feeling of my old days. where the lousy attitude and black face peijun rules. another factor is that being a precision sport, it is an ideal outlet for me to "lose control," for me to juz give way to my emotional baggage. and damn it.. i was so right. the pple there, juz sort of let me have my way. coz to them, it's the "usual peijun" that they see. and for one of the first time in my life, i am in control. pple giving in to me, letting me do what i want to do is like a dream come true. not so kua zhang, but it's not a priviledge i get every day. and i think i abuse that feeling, and sort of got obsessed with wanting to do things my way. maybe that's why i dun really like the former in-charge.. and kept wanting to "oppose" coz he ruin my only chance of getting away being rude, ignorant, irritating, selfish, lazy, weak, unreasonable and so on..

i guess wat adds on to this is that this, being the perfect weather, i shld be able to perform better, but i didnt. 1 year of extra time spent in sch aint fruitful at all. cant even compare to the juniors who joined not long ago.. but i know they did train very hard.. so i shldnt make so much noise and complain..

i apologise for any trouble, inconvenience or unhappiness that i cause or anything i did that affected anyone in anyway.. when i'm down, consciously i know that the "signs" i'm sending are negative, asking pple to "back off" and give me space. i also know that it's wrong for me to do it. but i did anyway. to u this sort of "apology thingy" might not be much of an important issue coz u're used to it, used to how i behave. but it's impt to me. i did it for myself..

was shooting one of the last ends of the 2nd round when i shot 3 arrows only and asked william to take over. he was saying that he'll wait till i finish my last 3 arrows but i told him i dun wanna shoot anymore and juz stepped out of the shooting line and put my bow on the bow stand. i almost wanted to walk off and sit down but i felt that that wasnt the right thing to do. felt like slapping myself there and then for even saying and doing that. seems so unreasonable, like someone who doesnt hav any authority making all the decisions and not giving a damn how others felt. i inhaled deeply for a few moments, calmed down and continued with the last 3. i'm nt saying that i am proud of myself for doing that. i didnt feel very much better but at least i did what i think was right at that point in time.

i fell asleep while they have the individual KO rounds..
visited my grandparents. my uncle commented that i look very tired and really shld catch up on more sleep. viy said the same thing to me a few days ago. and the funniest thing is that i'm nt even working part time. so why shld i be tired and why shld i be entitled to give haggard looks that make pple think that i'm having such a hard time in life? and i thought my timetable is slack this sem. most days afternoon classes. but i was wrong. 6 days a week i got to wake up at 7 or before that. after school i got to stay back till late doing all those things that others couldnt be bothered with. and sometimes i got myself into situations that i would never want to be involve in. and pple only see the surface. pple care only for themselves. i am one of them.

i guess these feeling of negativity, tension and even stress and fear builds up. deep inside, i know i have to find an outlet where i can dump all these if nt these pent up emotions would be like an unlit bonfire. it juz takes a spark to set it blazing. and i dun want that to happen. i could jolly well juz post an entry pretty much like the rest, anologies, beating about the bush, talking in codes that left many buffled, exposing thoughts without giving the full view of insights, keeping emotions under complaints and all. but i decided to be honest today. maybe u'll find it funny. but i'm nt laughing.

this sorta things happen when pple hear but they dun listen. they speak but they dun express. they see but they dun understand..

communication breakdown between the two, stress and tension built up. humans have blind spots. and wat we see is what we thought others meant. and then we leave things to our imagination.. our thoughts run wild and we create alot of "perceptions" and "reality" that we "think" is correct coz we "see and feel it." which may all not be true..

time constraint. tt's all.

it's as if everything changes overnight.

new priorities for a new year. the thought came yesterday but my mom told me to hold on. so isoltated, so disconnected. so out.

seen so many stories, heard so many tales. thus the need came strong and i know i wont ever regret it.

i dunno wat the future holds. i've decided to be a fish and juz follow the current, wherever it takes me to.

the semester is going alright. with new priorities, i find myself not paying as much attention to my studies.. i juz hope i can keep my GPA the same..

so cold this monsoon season huh. the rain is soothing yet a bit creepy. and i cant shake away that uncomfortable feeling.. juz hope spring is here soon.