.honest.

this post is created for the sole purpose of expressing myself, how i think i reacted, during archery trainings.

wanna apologise for my lousy behaviour, my sickening attitude and negative body language. also, my lack of communication. in fact, i dun even communicate. i know there are only a handful of them reading this, but i guess that's alright. i feel that i am an irritating person plus a damn lousy team player. i did realise that my attitude and behaviour on the general took a turn for the worse. i am not improving, not trying, not even wanting to put in effort. my mindset is inclined towards giving up and reverting back to my "watever, heck care" attitude.

i know facial expressions and body language plus tone of voice and choice of words are important to facilitate effective communication, but i practise all the wrong things. i know that by giving a "frown-y" face and "bo-chap" responses, pple will try to avoid me coz "she's in a bad mood. leave her alone." maybe i really did want to be left alone. i dunno. or maybe i dun.

who doesnt wanna do well? i know i want to. but success comes when passion is fueled with discipline. and that's wat i'm lacking. maybe i lose a bit of both. monique was telling me that today is my "perfect weather." i really think so. it's the ideal conditions in which i would and by right should love and enjoy the whole training. but today, i told her that the weather is perfect, but other conditions arent. it's sth like wat we learn in econs.. ceteris paribus or sth lidat which means other things kept constant. maybe the external factor is great but i have problems with internal factors..

i think shini would know how i felt right now. i received her message juz now. it suddenly got to me that we do things without thinking sometimes which might lead to some misunderstandings.. and when things calm down and we are given the luxury of time to juz reflect and think, we feel like giving ourself a knock on the head and the feeling of guilt sets in...

i am a selfish person. getting "selfishier" by the day. i cant be trying hard to please everyone day in and out, at home and outside. so i've learnt to find an outlet. and i'm so sorry to say that archery is at the top place of my "negativities deposit centres."

i gues the reason why it is my "top choice" is because a cca gives me the feeling of my old days. where the lousy attitude and black face peijun rules. another factor is that being a precision sport, it is an ideal outlet for me to "lose control," for me to juz give way to my emotional baggage. and damn it.. i was so right. the pple there, juz sort of let me have my way. coz to them, it's the "usual peijun" that they see. and for one of the first time in my life, i am in control. pple giving in to me, letting me do what i want to do is like a dream come true. not so kua zhang, but it's not a priviledge i get every day. and i think i abuse that feeling, and sort of got obsessed with wanting to do things my way. maybe that's why i dun really like the former in-charge.. and kept wanting to "oppose" coz he ruin my only chance of getting away being rude, ignorant, irritating, selfish, lazy, weak, unreasonable and so on..

i guess wat adds on to this is that this, being the perfect weather, i shld be able to perform better, but i didnt. 1 year of extra time spent in sch aint fruitful at all. cant even compare to the juniors who joined not long ago.. but i know they did train very hard.. so i shldnt make so much noise and complain..

i apologise for any trouble, inconvenience or unhappiness that i cause or anything i did that affected anyone in anyway.. when i'm down, consciously i know that the "signs" i'm sending are negative, asking pple to "back off" and give me space. i also know that it's wrong for me to do it. but i did anyway. to u this sort of "apology thingy" might not be much of an important issue coz u're used to it, used to how i behave. but it's impt to me. i did it for myself..

was shooting one of the last ends of the 2nd round when i shot 3 arrows only and asked william to take over. he was saying that he'll wait till i finish my last 3 arrows but i told him i dun wanna shoot anymore and juz stepped out of the shooting line and put my bow on the bow stand. i almost wanted to walk off and sit down but i felt that that wasnt the right thing to do. felt like slapping myself there and then for even saying and doing that. seems so unreasonable, like someone who doesnt hav any authority making all the decisions and not giving a damn how others felt. i inhaled deeply for a few moments, calmed down and continued with the last 3. i'm nt saying that i am proud of myself for doing that. i didnt feel very much better but at least i did what i think was right at that point in time.

i fell asleep while they have the individual KO rounds..
visited my grandparents. my uncle commented that i look very tired and really shld catch up on more sleep. viy said the same thing to me a few days ago. and the funniest thing is that i'm nt even working part time. so why shld i be tired and why shld i be entitled to give haggard looks that make pple think that i'm having such a hard time in life? and i thought my timetable is slack this sem. most days afternoon classes. but i was wrong. 6 days a week i got to wake up at 7 or before that. after school i got to stay back till late doing all those things that others couldnt be bothered with. and sometimes i got myself into situations that i would never want to be involve in. and pple only see the surface. pple care only for themselves. i am one of them.

i guess these feeling of negativity, tension and even stress and fear builds up. deep inside, i know i have to find an outlet where i can dump all these if nt these pent up emotions would be like an unlit bonfire. it juz takes a spark to set it blazing. and i dun want that to happen. i could jolly well juz post an entry pretty much like the rest, anologies, beating about the bush, talking in codes that left many buffled, exposing thoughts without giving the full view of insights, keeping emotions under complaints and all. but i decided to be honest today. maybe u'll find it funny. but i'm nt laughing.