rain lover

got the exam results.. was thinking abt it and my fone rang.. in the afternoon.. it's kinda weird tt my fone shows signs of its existence.. and i knew that my thoughts were confirmed..

looking at my results, i ought to be elated.. i scored better den i expected in some subjects.. UNsurprisingly, i didnt get a reaction. i did the usual go-brag-to-my-bro act and didnt feel any better.. in fact, i cant feel.. i know i should at least be happy, contented, relievd, disappointed, something, anything!! but all i get was nothing.. nothing at all.. not even a thought of self-assurance.. not even a contented pat-on-my-back-to-myself..

all i did was to pack my cupboard, cleared out some stuff, but mainly juz rearranging the things around.. emotionless i can say.. moodless... i dun hav the urge to share the supposingly "joy" with pple.. i told my mom.. my mom was smiling happier den me.. but she didnt say much except.. "at least ur hardwork paid off.." knowing that as an expected reaction, i really wanted to ask myself y i'm not happy.. i thought abt how i'd feel if i had gotten even better results.. and i shrug.. coz i cant seem to even THINK of a reaction much less imagine the outcome...

i dunno wat's wrong.. i guess i pretty much started to dislike exams and grades.. unlike the past, where i used to hope and get all jittery when the teachers gave back the papers and even when i know i wont be able to do well, the anticipation, the feeling of nervousness, the moment shared between friends.. all those.. gone.

cant help but wonder if others feel like this too.. all gone.

looking at the sms results, there is no sense of achievement. i look at those subjects that i score well in.. do i have any interest? any passion? any special thing related to them? i'm very sure of the answer. wat's the use of scoring well in all the subjects that i hav no interest in? and i have interest in those subjects no more den i have interest in sciences.. of course i enjoyed all those lessons.. all those fun.. but when i search deep within and ask myself truthfully whether i really did want to excel in that area, all i got was a sheepish smile...

quiet and peaceful moments always succeed in making me see other sides of myself that i dun really wanna face. reality seems to juz show up right in front of me during these times, blocking my way, stopping me frm advancing.. not that i'm moving alot, but at least i'm trying k..

u know i took out my happy cards that 150+ gave and read them... i see this and i cant help but smile.. i love these 4 the most..

[eat lots of chocolate and take down all your mirrors]
[address ur posture, straighten your back, lift ur chin, smile and walk wif a sense of purpose. u cant see the beauty of the world looking at ur feet]
[dont take urself too seriously, life is for living. plan more recreation]
[remember the past is dead and gone, the future is uncertain. it is only this very moment that counts]

i love these 4 simply bcoz i thought abt them b4 and also due to the fact that they are so simple yet they make so much sense.. i used to not look at my feet.. i used to stare at heavens more den i notice the little pebbles on the ground. but after tripping on pebbles time and again, i began to adapt by being more cautious, taking note of the little insignificant stones on the ground.. u keep telling urself that the beauty of the world is forever. it is endless.. never ending.. so for the time being, u'd put emphasis on not stumbling, not tripping.. but an act turns into a habit faster than u think.. before u know it, u've already missed countless arts of nature, missed the intriguing sunrise, the glamorous sunset, the clear cloudless translucent sky, the dark curtain that put a gloomy atmosphere to earth, the cloudy sky with facinating shapes of white cotton candy like figures, the almost magical sounds of the wonders of nature. everything..

knowing is one thing, doing is another.. words are important as such.. but actions speak louder than words that we all know.. what is the use of acknowledging all the things that u know u need to take note of but u end up not doing anything? talk abt efficiency..

guess my posts getting abit out of control now.. they're getting way too long to be in 1 entry.. guess it's the weather.. or rather me.

The most selfish one letter word.....
"I"
Avoid It.

The most satisfying two-letter word.....
"We"
Use it.

The most poisonous three-letter word.....
"Ego"
Kill It.

The most used four-letter word.....
"Love"
Value it.

The most pleasing five-letter word.....
"Smile"
Keep it.

The fastest spreading six-letter word.....
"Rumour"
Ignore it.

The hardest working seven-letter word.....
"Success"
Achieve it.

The most enviable eight-letter word.....
"Jealousy"
Distant it.

The most powerful nine-letter word.....
"Knowledge"
Acquire it.

The most essential ten-letter word.....
"Confidence"
Trust it.

Initial D, packing, end of yr

i thought everything ended at stage 3.. but i was so wrong. i thought takumi will maintain a straight win record and that's how the storyline goes.. but i'm thinking the opposite.. coz bunta made a remark that makes me think that their winning streak willl stop there and then.

amazed by how fast i juz let myself fall into that trap again.. lolx..

didnt like this blogskin.. so browsing thru others.. but not really in the mood to change again.. so forget it..

eating ritter sports while enjoying a show.. on a cooling day.. in a quiet neighbourhood.. i'm so glad that there're no renovations going on, no loud noises, nth.. juz the usual tranquil environment.. went to grandpa's house today.. and the noise there made me irritated and frustrated.. i cant seem to enjoy doing anything.. guess home is still the best..

i haven got to packing my stuff yet.. guess i need to get the "feeling" back before i start any packing..dont u find that feeling is very impt when u get down to clearing stuff and doing things? there is a point in time for u to actually feel like u wanna do it because u really want to.. if u cant get the feeling, den it's i-hate-to-pack-but-it's-getting-too-messy or my-mom-is-nagging-at-me-again.. isnt it? and when u do so, u'll subconsciously have the buay gam wan feeling.. den when u pack, u'll be very decisivee and throw watever u "Feel" like u dun ned or want.. but when u pack with "feeling", u'll hesitate, reminisce, and think.. and i guess that's impt.. becoz u'll weigh the pros and cons, the consequences, and even feeling. yes. u even weigh how you'll feel.. amazing isnt it? i know it sounds kinda childish and silly saying that "feeling" is needed for clearing stuff.. but isnt that so? u need to be sure of what u are doing, then u can create the want, den of course wat happens after tt follows smoothly.. u'll begin to realise that clearing is fun, and u love to hang on to the satisfaction of seeing the actual outcome..

i think that's wat i want.. i will set to find that MOTIVE before i even start.. coz when i find that much wanted "feeling" back, i will be motivated.. and i guess that's the crucial factor.. and i'd love to see my room free of peer-teaching and lecture notes in the corner.. =)

i love the last quarter of the yr.. somehow, the Dec x'mas spirit add a touch of magic in the air.. sth really special.. the air feels "cleaner" the wind gets "cooler" and the greenery becomes more "welcoming".. and everything seems so comforting.. and by then, New yr will be near, and that starts off a whole new episode of things. u'll feel lazier yet more charitable. pple will be getting their bonuses and that means extra money in the pockets, the GSS will be on again and the ladies out there will be mroe den happy to splurge on stuff, the children will be happily enjoying their holidays, and pple all ard the world will be preparing for the countdown.. nice sweet season of sharing.. of love..

wednesday and coming boring thursday

ching.. wanted to ask u out.. but read ur blog and know tt u're going zouk ltr.. so enjoy urself ya..

went for training.. my last was before the study week.. that's like ages ago huh..

i saw jeff ytd.. he commented tt i'm as "black" as ever.. "blacker" in fact.. saw rachael.. and she's still pretty much the same.. anything out of her mouth is bad.. she said sth abt me tt i think that she's more den evil and childish.. ignored her.

was going thru my hp stuff ytd and juz now.. deleted away fone numbers, msgs, reminders and pics.. coz not much use le..

u know sometimes i make myself more complicated den i started out with.. and den i think y i am so dumb as to UNsimplify things.. and how i did it...

feeling cold these few days.. indoors and outdoors..

the rose is dying. i broke the stalk into half so i can put in the paper bag. and forgotten all abt it till one day ltr..

are all who questions confused? are all who knows the answer clear? and what is confusion? a state of mind?

anyway, was slacking in cc and thinking that eve muz be quite irritated wif me by now.. she asked abt archery ages ago and i told her of the pdp course.. den she signed up during sporting culture.. asked me a few more times after tt abt the course.. up till now still dun hav any news.. and the stupid "system".. why cant CCAs have more den 1 pdp recruitment? if we dun have more, how do we choose the "cream of the crop?" ok. abit exaggerating here..

they always say that normal and express cannot mix.. cannot click... and i wonder why.. y do teachers discriminate and judge them before they can perform? and y are educators so superficial and shallow?

this person was doing a survey on some insurance thingy and i realised that if i can save $50 a month, i would be able to accumulate $600 by the end of a yr.. and that's alot... high achievement.. but i dun seem to be able to reach it.. coz i keep wanting to go on a shopping spree.. not to forget all the money spent on chocolates and junk food..

and i juz realised today.. i didnt REALLY make a birthday wish this yr.. compared to the past.. all i did was to think of the 1st thing that pop up in my mind a fraction os a second b4 i blew the candle in swensens.. i guess the older we get, the less we do this kinda things.. was telling my mom that wishes come true only bcoz we work hard for them.. the older we get, the more this is reinforced..

i lied. i dunno why i dun feel like telling her everything.. i dun want to.. no mood to share... how long do i take to open up?

new skin.. i totally mess up the old template. guess my blog wants a change and demands a new outlook.. somehow, this skin looks way too familiar.. i think someone has it but couldnt remember who..

anyway, once it's up, guess wont be mega changes.. i'm too lazy to change..

dislike pple who brag.. when they do so, i couldnt help but think of some things to say in order to keep their "zhuai-ness" at bay..

raining again today and it's freezing cold outdoors.. the wind was strong and so chilly.. BRrrr..

oh ya.. i haven update on the cruise trip.. wat's lacking there is entertainment yeah.. there's nth much to do there except eating and slacking... the performances only at night.. and i'm too lazy to drag myself out of bed early in the morning to watch movie.. besides swimming (anyway, the pool sux. it's way too small.. only the jacuzzi is good), KTV, arcade, there's nth much to do.. couldnt bear the thot of playing table tennis so i didnt join my bro and cousin for a game.. slept at ard 5 the 2 nights i was there.. singing.. the only 2 drinks i had for the 3 days were tea and tiger beer and i swear not to touch tiger beer for a loooong period of time..

btw, i went into the casino.. CHEY. NOTHING de.. all i took in was pple and more pple ard tables and sitting at machines.. lots of devils on their shoulders.. u can almost smell greed and see hope on their faces.. i dun like it there.. it makes me feel weak. went to look for my aunt and grandma.. as usual, the famous one-arm machine.. the jackpot is boring.. i wonder y pple are addicted to it.. u juz put money in and pull that stupid handle.. how much fun can that be?

and i told my siblings and my dad the logic of why the earth is round... lolx... had so much fun explaining.. now i'll say it again.. haha.. when u find yourself in the middle of the sea, and nowhere can be seen except water and more water, u'll be amazed by the vast space, unlimited water supply, endless fresh air, foggy atmosphere, cool temperature and so on.. and u'll realise one thing. the SKY IS CONNECTED TO THE SEA!! that's when i ask myself.. how can the sky and the sea merge and a line is clearly visible that shows that the sky is on top and the sea below... and tadah! the answer.. the earth is round. coz u see.. pple alwayas claim that there are many massive structures and numerous world's tallest buildings and so on.. and if the earth is not round, we'll be able to see a part of it in at sea.. and the reason why we couldnt is bcoz the earth is round so u can only see a limited area from the sea.. the point whereby ur eyes cant see any further is the point whereby the sky touches the sea, which is also the so-called edge..

anyway, now i sound dumb.. but who cares anyway..

it's a good place to get away from the noisy and busy city.. coz once u're up there, there's no turning back for quite sometime.. and u cant juz jump off the ship can you? but i guess money can be better spent elsewhere.. haha.. might jolly well be the first and last time i'm going.. coz seriously speaking, i couldnt even remember wat i enjoyed doing there except slacking.. and i'm disappointed bcoz the ship doesnt sway.. i wanted so much for it to rock but it didnt.. i mean i couldnt feel it coz the ship is so big and so stable.. damn. that's wat i hate.. assumptions tt doesnt tally wif reality.. and damn again. coz i couldnt keep up the happy positive mood for more den 2 days.. :( y is it sooooo hard to do so?!!!!!!!!!!

okie. my bdae is over.. lalala..

went out with 150+.. ate at swensens.. the manager and the staff sang bdae song.. so funny.. haha.. felt awkward yet happy.. sang at kbox after tt..

it's been abt 4 months since i last stepped into kbox.. and the familiar feeling - awesome.. haha..

so frm 8 till 3, it's all songs.. and it's song. haha..

weny home after tt.. walking in the rain.. to be frank, i did feel scared. the lightning flashed across the sky so many times.. and i'm so afraid it'll hit a tree and i'll die under it.. haha.. sang bdae song in kbox.. and i went abit crazy.. lolx.. they gave me anna sui's perfume.. haha.. didnt expect that.. YP was telling me they wanted to get angel innocent but they couldnt find it.. so chose the alternative.. :)

i'm so happy.. compared to last yr, this is so much better.. at least pple remember my bdae.. haha.. i think the bdae alarm helps.. shldnt hav deleted away most of the reminders to set for my frens.. lolx.. coz even though i KNOW that they wont remember without the help of the bdae alarm, it's gd to feel ur fone ringing and ringing and ringing and see all those bdae wishes.. kinda happiness boost.. haha..

my youngest sis bought tidbits for me and hid it on top of some plastic box. so ytd morning, she called to wish me happy bdae and den direct me to the location whereby i can find her gift to me.. :)

after a day well spent, i still think bdae is juz another day. coz i dun feel any significant changes in the particular day except most negative thoughts went away. and i'm ever so happy that christine send me a msg although she's nt in s'pore.. and angie remembered.. think char told her tt.. anazing ones are qionghua (we lost contact like a few yrs back), cherrie, xiaoqing, gary and even chaing wee! haha.. it's like when u look at the name, u think "huh.. y them.. they remember?" that kinda feeling.. nvm.

seems like the rainy season is back huh.. i LOVE it!!

that's the best gift God or whoever up there can give.. it started and end my day and it is the 1st thing that greeted me this morning... i feel so contented.. lalala...

i dun feel the jump frm 17 to 18. but i do feel old, like in the past.. haha..
i forgotten to mention that some auntie THOUGHT i'm still sec1 or 2!!! duh!!!! she said i got a young face.. and some pple thought i'm so old.. okie.. so which one am i? look young or old?
this is so amazing.. couldnt believe it. gave the "huh" face immediately after she said tt..

slept at abt 4... too tired. woke up feeling as if i couldnt drag my feet but i had to,, sianz.. okie. bye pple.. anyway, there's a prob wif my template.. i deleted away a large part of it accidentally but i couldnt figure out why it's still alright if it's not in preview mode.. basically, all that's left is the post section in the middle so to speak.. and i'm lazy to change blogskin.. had a simple one in mind.. but see lah.. when i'm in the mood.. bye for now.

okie.. so this is it? is it all? all my life i dunno how i shld feel on my bdae..shld i feel special? how shld i react on this particular day? i really have no idea.. i feel indifferent. it's as if i'm wasting yet another day of my life slacking.. and that's sth really normal. i waited for awhile more and decided that there's nothing to look forward to.. and my thoughts are so normal that i feel weird.. as if something is telling and urging me to feel, to experience, to be different. i fell asleep.

woke up ard 12 coz of the long msg tone.. had to force myself to reply.. i think i missed out some.. watever.. drag myself outta bed to open the prezzie meihui gave.. it's like routine stuff.. i've been receiving prezzie from her since primary 1? but i like that feeling.. the feeling knowing that even if the whole world forgets ur bdae, there's someone out there who will not.. and the feeling brings contentment..

disappointments.. don't we all have it in our lives? so there's nothing much i hope for. really.

i wont let anything ruin my mood. my peaceful mood for the day..

anyway, thanks to all that wish me well, hapi bdae or whatsoever.. appreciate all ur wishes.. make me feel as if i'm not so insignificant.. =]

was sitting alone in my very cold room with the bedside lamp on.. unwrapping the prezzie meihui gave.. thinking abt wat we all say in the evening when she brought the things over.. juz standing there and talking... for abt an hr most probably.. den when unwrapping the paper, i couldnt help but see flashbacks of our primary sch times.. and i smile.. coz i really dunno how we managed to still remain as frens after so many years.. angie and CE is my longest frens yes.. but meihui is the only one that i've been keeping in contact all these years.. cant help feeling weird coz i simply couldnt understand how someone can stand me for sooo long.. but i'm still glad despite all those unanswered qns..

the shells made such an amzazingly clear sound that vibrate round the room, and it's pleasure for my ears.. i juz sat there and got lost in space. haha..

i've got wat i wanted for.. my parents made it came true. i wanted to get away from s'pore. away to a place where i can forget and not think abt things.. and i did.. for the past 3 days.. it was simply slacking, enjoying and slacking still.. the bed there very comfy.. everything there was great. except the entertainment.. i had many a gd laughs from the conversations... and the sea is fantastic..

sang a bdae song to myself. contented.. =]

i dunno if this is the natural reaction of a bdae ger.. seems weird to me. maybe many pple fell this way but i dunno.. coz my frens always seem to have a great bdae.. okie.. after this post i'm gonna turn optimistic ya.. juz for one day..

coz it's ONCE IN A LIFETIME... and everything is once in a lifetime duh!!

okie..back to bed.. back to my dreams... they're beckoning..

okie. wont be updating for the next few days.. cruise. nice way to spend my bdae.. glad of the timing.. and finally.. a family trip.. it's a first.. there'll be more in the future..

nothing much to blog nowadays.. end of the exam signifies the end of my "inspirational, reflective and crappy" high..

watching anime yet again.. enjoying the thrill of road racing.. and of course i tune the volume high up and listen to the characters speak, their tones, the effects of tires screeching and all although i dun understand jap... lolx.. that's the fun part u see..

my fren intro me to initial D years ago.. but i dun want to watch it.. juz like when he intro me to slam dunk when i absolutely have no interest in bball.. ended up watching part 2 of the show coz he juz dump the show and ask my bro to pass to me even though i said i dun want to watch.. ended up going crazy over that lameo show.. anyway, initial D is my cousin's bdae present.. lolx.. and i'm watching it.. fun huh.. like gaining knowledge thru characters tt someone made up.. like the idea..

okie.. tt's all i gotta say for today. anything juz msg me.. i wont reply till i get back.. so for now, enjoy ya weekend.. coz i will..

sharing time... had a GREAT time blogging this entry.. lolx.. hope u enjoy ya..

i saw this quote high up in front of the drop off point in my sibling's punggol temporary high school.. "Life's our passion, Love's our calling" and i wonder.. is it? i guess so.. but how do we define life? love? all sums up to being happiness during a journey?

was reading some quotes from my book to my mom a few days back.. and i can tell u sharing is good.. the feeling is great.. and i realised that certain quotes i've forgotten about them.. until i read it to my mom..

i got this from one magazine... female, cleo or sth else.. cant remember.. and tt time when i visited my grandpa in GH, i came across it in one of the mag on the browsing shelves.. and saw that same quote..

"Because we know them,
We know their weaknesses.
And when we'ree angry or upset,
We jab at precisely the right spot,
Sticking it in deep so it hurts.
The greater our love,
The greater the potential to hurt.
Love is perfect,
But people are not."

wonderful isnt it? a simple passage that sums up everything about why the one we love most hurts us the deepest.

happened to browse thru blogs and saw monique's.. and i wanna elaborate on the ending of her blog entry..
"men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened."

u know i used to keep telling myself things will never be the same again? and when a person reached a point in time where free falling hits constant velocity and u go straight down and hit the core of that bottomless pit, sth amazing will happen.. dont u know it? it did, to me.

constantly in reflective mode during exam period. guess that huge void in my mind makes thinking about rubbish easier.. and that "miracle" happened... suddenly i am contented.. in that moment, words suddenly came out of nowhere and filled me with contentment.. it's as if someone is telling me sth that i wanna hear..

[there is NO beginning so there is no end]

some people call it regrets, some people call that naive thinking.. what do i call it? i name that a miracle. that is the sth amazing.. u know sometimes u juz cant help feeling a certain way? it's sth unexplainable and all u can do is shrug..

was watching some jap show and the main character said that there is no miracle.. miracles come from things like love, courage, determination and so on.. it's the "heavier" side of all these qualities and feelings..

a few moew quotes to share before i post this entry..

[if you say sth bad abt someone, you will discover that the same criticism applies to you]
- that is SOOOOO true.. usually i dislike sth in a person that i think i cant stand it in me..

[the only faults that bother us in others are faults we share..]
- so before u start shooting nonsensical remarks abt things u dislike, think about it.. dont u have those exact or similar qualities that u hate? but well, we humans aint perfect, that's y we cant control.. right?

okie.. i'm gonna reach that "mature" point soon.. but it aint reall.. u cant juz change ur whole mind, perceptions, and all on that day when you turn 18.. if u're mature by nature, u are by age 3? and if u're childish, u still are by age 63.. it doesnt matter what age u are bcoz ultimately, it's all either 1) in ur genes, 2) caused my environemntal factors like cultural norms and social interactions, 3) situational factors..
and it's all beyond our control.. so quit saying that once u reach so-and-so-age, u are a grown up so muz stop acting like like what-and-how.. dots.. juz cant understand what those pple out there are thinking about..

anyway, another quote to share about age..
[common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.]

i guess i have to start collecting them real fast.. so i can have a larger collection..

AND THIS FINAL ONE IS FOR ALL THE LADIES OUT THERE....

[We women have managed to do so much with so little that society now expects us to create miracles out of nothing.]

did i mention that my blog music frm some flash multimedia thingy? i think i did. i cant remember the story but i remembered i love it..

anyway, was on the train today and saw this quote "pressure turns coal into diamonds" and i was like "wow... yeah hor.."

juz signed in and wasnt i surprised to find that someone frm my list of friends got the exact same phrase as the nick?

i came to dislike walking the stretch of city link, and of course the length of NE link to NS line...

haha.... came to realised alot of things.. u know i got this stupid blog up for ages.. yet u know who're the few that i never tell? or hesitate to tell? yeah.. 150+.. i gave BL.. but she told me she lost the url.. i didnt give the 2nd time.. QY asked but i nv give.. i gave YP recently.. and i was thinking juz now.. y ar? y i didnt juz call them to give? and i guess part of the reason is that it's stupid to call up ur frens and juz "announce" that ur blog is up and they can go and take a look at all your rants.. and part of the reason is that i guess it's abit funny for them to see me being soooo totally talkative and negative about so many stuff..

assumption: i am quite quiet last time, not so grumpy, impression of someone who hav no temper.. lolx... quite some joke huh.. since i got this blog set up, i think i've shown that i got so many queries, questions, complaints and comments to make so much so that for 3 months, i've outwardly expressed myself more than the past 17 years of my life.. lolx.. wat a joke yeah..

anyway, it's like i'm talking to myself here.. and i feel kinda weird now.. so that'a all. tada..

u know he said end of it wasnt about end of the world. it's juz end of a period. is it like a handover? must there be a transition? more questions and queries.. they are piling up because i dun have answers.. and this blog is a lousy outlet for all these..

can someone just tell me how to build up confidence?

or where to get them in bulk?

i've tried most things.. from changing the colours i don, to positive self talk.. they juz didnt work.

and that silly anti-depression campaign failed so terribly that it just simply made me think and feel as if i'm suffering from depression and ought to seek help... and the more they screen the campaign advert and claim that it is normal and can be treated, the more i doubt their words.. but showing that, they're indirectly saying that "hey all those pple who're ill.. plz seek help if not u'll affect those around you and also the whole society.."

all i feel now is to want to give up. and i think being around my little cousins helps. in making me want to be mean. want to NOT be nice. want to juz heck and irritate others.. but will that seriously make me feel better? no. i wont. but that's a thought.

sometimes i think.. am i juz apathetic or am i subconsciously trying hard not to show that i care and i mind? or maybe i've been facing the world with an indifferent attitude that it somehow becomes a habit, a habit that no matter how hard i struggle, i cant seem to get out or break away..

seriously speaking, babies aint the only ones who need a change when things stink..

and i think i've a mega problem at hand. so i need a major change.. in what i dunno.. seek and u shall find.. so i shall keep searching.. for the darn answer that's hiding from me.. and the worse thing? it's sitting quietly in a corner mocking.. mocking at a stupid me who cant seem to find a clear direction to proceed and end up going about the same place.. mocking at someone who wants to find the truth and cant because she's looking down at her feet all these while instead of facing the sun. and it's darn right. i may fail this time yet again. but i will succeed, someday. because if i dun start now, i wont be able to. and hope is the only thing i will never give up. ever.

the da vinci code!

finished reading THE DA VINCI CODE.

awesome book. i love Dan Brown..

it's the first time after harry potter that i read late into the night, the book luring me deeper into the story and i forget myself in the process.

it's like learning history from dan brown, gaining knowledge on arts appreciation thru dan brown, and enjoying the story of sophie and robert... of codes and intelligence. of amazing secrets and wonders..

i didnt want to slp lat night, juz so that i could complete the book. but i left the last page. left the last page for me to read today. and i'm glad i did. although i never like the idea of picking up a book when i stopped reading for a period of time, i left the anticipation to today. and i had a great slp.

the mystery unravels and left me feeling... sth out of the world.. okie.. i think this exaggerated feeling muz be due to the lack of reading gd books for months... since harry potter, i haven been so drawn to the story in a book. so remarkable it's as if i'm living in the book.. it's a world of miracles and i dun wanna get out..

and i am so glad i borrowed the book frm my cousin.. i bet she's going to hav tons of fun in Taiwan at night reading the book in the hotel room after going to visit the various places and enjoying herself thoroughly.. it's a great idea to bring a book when u'e overseas.. but actually i doubt she'll read it.. the Taiwan entertaining programs are broadcasted thru the night.. so unlike s'pore. in s'pore, if u wanna watch a decent entertianing show after 12, there's nth much unless u hav vcds or dvds.. in Taiwan, it's another story altogether.. the shows at night make u wanna continue watching and u dun even want to slp.. so maybe she wont touch the book yet.. but reading in the plane might be a good idea.. haha..

okie.. enuff of my nonsense.. Dan Brown is great. =)

You know when people say that you're WOLS, there is a hint of fun.

When people say you lag, you can detect the element of joke.

But what happens when you yourself determine whether you really are that slow, or that lag?

When out of the blue moon, you suddenly just realised that actually noone waits. Because everyone is racing with time, against time.

And how do we put a time factor to feelings?

I claimed that i am sensitive. Way too sensitive for my own good.

But what good is sensitiveness when i am lagging for 3 years? When i know that i am always hiding, forever shading my face from the sun?

I am expanding my open self, shrinking my hidden self. my johari window changes this very moment as i recognise my faults and practice self-disclosure.

And can someone tell me how long is long? How short is short?

We all know effort is a measure of intensity. But what is the measurement of intensity?

And can someone tell me which one is longer. FOREVER or ALWAYS?

Been thinking about that since quite sometime ago when a friend sent me an sms.

Forever means till the end of time? Then what about always?
Always means for all times; throughout all time.

So tell me.

Which one is longer.. I want to know.

the more u worry,
the less confident u are
and the less confident u are,
the more u worry..
it's an endless cycle,
until u know where to put the limit.

my mind is empty. i'm glad that time flies coz i absolutely have no idea what i am doing for the past 1 and a half weeks.. it's as if someone pressed the fastforward key, den the rewind button and let it play. okie. wat am i thinking. duh~

luck juz ran out on me.:

after today, i'll open my wings and soar

isolation compounds depression..

boring day

the quiet hall and rows of pple doing the qns seriously brought me closer to heaven yet a little close to hell as well.. everyone was in focus mode, only seeing what lies in front of them.. and suddenly, an image of us all in workstations flashed across my mind. although it's one big open space, we're all in our own area, concentrating hard, thinking deeply...

the sun brought warmth and light. the paper was bright. it was hard to see.. and u can feel ur own temperature rising.. and the fan.. it either irritate u by messing up ur hair, or circulate the already warm air round and round... but i was contented.. while taking a break frm my paper, i looked up, thru the clear and matt panes above the hall.. and saw that glow.. and heaven seems so much closer than usual.. maybe i'm the only one not focusing.. the only one taking time to slack during the period whereby others were rushing against time, where time seemed to be on slow motion mode, where we're all in worlds of our own.

i crap thru the paper.. started studying last night at abt 10+.. hope i do well for this paper, although it's only 30%..

was telling my mom that the best i could get for AR and OB is a B, she said "so lousy ar".. and i was like... duh~ hello~! B=70 marks and above.. A=80 and above.. how to get such high grades especially if the subject coursework grade consists of diff components? maybe i'm juz lousy. watever~

got abit irritated.. pple juz got used to it that gd grades come naturally? if i get high grades, they say "ok lah. nt bad lor. gd." juz like i think huihui got the brains so she's gd at every subject.. and when she really score well, i'll think it's normal, nothing much.. think she's used to it.. used to us ignorant pple thinking that she's 1 level higher than the rest of us so it's tian jing di yi that she got higher grades..

feel so left out. alot of thoughts. so little space to write.

going to bed first, dream of dreams and den wake up to face a WHOLE new day again.

M.K... thinking.. dun think shld. haizz.. sian.. wat can a person do before the exams except studying?

kiddo~

the temple celebrated children's day today.. so basically, it's 2 hrs of fun for the kids, plus me.

i received so much junk food. frm the kids, frm my frens, frm the other teachers.. alot of sweets and biscuits.. haha.. played a few games only. the rest of the time was spent talking to the kids and juz playing.. dunno wat we were doing but we had fun.

clicked with a a few kids that i never taught before. and some of their siblings.. all Primary 3 and below.. it's like having my youngest sis with me, but 10 times more. 10 times the fun, 10 times the joy, but also 10 times the fatigue.. lolx..

a little ger saw my necklace and asked if that was given to me by my bf ciz it's very nice.. she commented that i looked young and asked if i'm still schooling.. and the problem? i dunnno her.. =)

that's the fun part.. they're all so innocent.. u juz cant get angry ard them.. being around them makes me feel like a kid once again. actually they brought out the childish side of me today. running around playing, going around chatting with them.. even the rain didnt dampen our spirits..

abit bu she de.. coz today is the last day i'll be teaching this yr.. the temple will be closing for renovation.. so sad... and nxt yr i might not be able to teach the same batch.... it's like when u start to get along with those pple, start to know their habits and such, u have to move on.. and frankly speaking, i dun like it.. hope we'll still be in the same batch nxt yr.. and hope i'll still be partnering yingyi..

i've been there about 10 times.. fast huh.. 10 lessons.. celebrated teachers' day and children's day there.. i feel old yet young... funny huh.. for now, i juz hope that i'll do well for my exams, and they'll do well for theirs.. especially jasmine- who always di gam the answers, shimin- who always dun wanna think. both of them got super short attention span.. and i hope they do well for their end yr.. wen feng and siyuen no worries.. aloy need to make fewer careless mistakes and he can do it.. i'm sure.. being ard them makes me feel guilty abt nt spending enuff time with my sis.. and getting impatient when teaching her...

anyway, enuff of crap. i got to go back to my accounting notes, den 7-9 is the channel 8 show.. yi tian tu long ji.. den can slack.. tml exams le!! yeah.. finally!! wish myself all the best.. and to u all too..

erm.. wrong info.. today dun hav that show!!!!!!! it's yet ANOTHER charity show.. how many charity shows muz they run in a yr!!! it's dying.. the enthusiasm i had when i was young, watching those shows, donating money, cheering those artistes.. recently, those are juz a tad too much.. anything in excess is bad..

still the same?

i'm not.

i haven been resting well.. mind couldnt seem to get to rest. no thoughts, but the mind is way too empty to even sleep. i feel uneasy but i dunno wat's wrong.

added a few lines every now and then to my journal. it's fast huh.. i've been blogging for one whole sem.. started after last sem's exams.. and here they are again.. time flies ya.. about... 5 months to half a yr.. time flies huh.. before i realise, half my poly life gone.. and what hav i achieved? nothing.. nothing much..

but things are getting better... i even took out my chinese dictionary and checked for some words... that is coz i simply coldnt stand looking at my notes.. i spent the whole day juz looking at the same few pages... coz i woke up late, watched cartoon with my sis coz it's children's day.. study abit, den back to tv all the way till 10.. wat did i do during these 5 days? i really dunno wat i was doing all along.. it seems like 5 hours to me instead of days..

it's children's day huh... when did i last celebrated children's day? took out this jotterbook of mine and showed it to my sis.. my primary 1 book.. or pri 2? my sis asked me how many yrs ago that was.. and i think back.. 11 yrs? 12?

i lost count. lost count of the yrs that passed me by when i was growing up. lost count of the times that slipped away unnoticed while i wasnt looking, when my focus was on other things. and when i look back, all i noticed was large empty voids in my memory. and there's nth i can do abt that. actually i dun wanna do anything about that...

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i wont cover my ears. i cant.

when i try to follow and close my eyes, it's a million time worser...

the yellow ribbon song's tune very catchy..

the only thing that makes me smile the whole day is finally seeing the little boy at the top left hand corner of this page.

having a break from my text.. giving my eyes and brain a break. btw, why is the thing we eat call mooncake? y not suncake? nor starcake? y moon? and it's not even round. mooncakes have uneven edges!! a more appropriate name could be flower cakes coz the shape really looks like a flower..

anyway, the song dang ni gu dan ni hui xiang qi shui was aired over some radio station. couldnt help but stone for awhile.. and the DJ was talking about the weather.. i love the kind of weather NOW. u have to be me in order to know. anyway, back to my notes.. i really hate myself for slping in cls.. need time to figure things out. anyway, dun think i'll be slping early tonight.. after ytd's 12 hrs slp.. that's half a useful day gone ya..

i didnt go and "visit" my grandma today. i couldnt see the point of making a trip down just to offer mooncakes and talk to her. i can talk to her anytime i want. she lives in my heart and that's it. dun wanna argue with anyone who has a different point of view or perception. and if u call talking to a urn of ashes meaningful, den go ahead. i'm not stopping you.

i sound so damn childish. so ignorant. so far back from knowing and understanding chinese culture. 我们为什么要被传统价值观所束付呢?

it's time to reinforce my lousy chinese.. but for now, applied research comes first..