rain lover

got the exam results.. was thinking abt it and my fone rang.. in the afternoon.. it's kinda weird tt my fone shows signs of its existence.. and i knew that my thoughts were confirmed..

looking at my results, i ought to be elated.. i scored better den i expected in some subjects.. UNsurprisingly, i didnt get a reaction. i did the usual go-brag-to-my-bro act and didnt feel any better.. in fact, i cant feel.. i know i should at least be happy, contented, relievd, disappointed, something, anything!! but all i get was nothing.. nothing at all.. not even a thought of self-assurance.. not even a contented pat-on-my-back-to-myself..

all i did was to pack my cupboard, cleared out some stuff, but mainly juz rearranging the things around.. emotionless i can say.. moodless... i dun hav the urge to share the supposingly "joy" with pple.. i told my mom.. my mom was smiling happier den me.. but she didnt say much except.. "at least ur hardwork paid off.." knowing that as an expected reaction, i really wanted to ask myself y i'm not happy.. i thought abt how i'd feel if i had gotten even better results.. and i shrug.. coz i cant seem to even THINK of a reaction much less imagine the outcome...

i dunno wat's wrong.. i guess i pretty much started to dislike exams and grades.. unlike the past, where i used to hope and get all jittery when the teachers gave back the papers and even when i know i wont be able to do well, the anticipation, the feeling of nervousness, the moment shared between friends.. all those.. gone.

cant help but wonder if others feel like this too.. all gone.

looking at the sms results, there is no sense of achievement. i look at those subjects that i score well in.. do i have any interest? any passion? any special thing related to them? i'm very sure of the answer. wat's the use of scoring well in all the subjects that i hav no interest in? and i have interest in those subjects no more den i have interest in sciences.. of course i enjoyed all those lessons.. all those fun.. but when i search deep within and ask myself truthfully whether i really did want to excel in that area, all i got was a sheepish smile...

quiet and peaceful moments always succeed in making me see other sides of myself that i dun really wanna face. reality seems to juz show up right in front of me during these times, blocking my way, stopping me frm advancing.. not that i'm moving alot, but at least i'm trying k..

u know i took out my happy cards that 150+ gave and read them... i see this and i cant help but smile.. i love these 4 the most..

[eat lots of chocolate and take down all your mirrors]
[address ur posture, straighten your back, lift ur chin, smile and walk wif a sense of purpose. u cant see the beauty of the world looking at ur feet]
[dont take urself too seriously, life is for living. plan more recreation]
[remember the past is dead and gone, the future is uncertain. it is only this very moment that counts]

i love these 4 simply bcoz i thought abt them b4 and also due to the fact that they are so simple yet they make so much sense.. i used to not look at my feet.. i used to stare at heavens more den i notice the little pebbles on the ground. but after tripping on pebbles time and again, i began to adapt by being more cautious, taking note of the little insignificant stones on the ground.. u keep telling urself that the beauty of the world is forever. it is endless.. never ending.. so for the time being, u'd put emphasis on not stumbling, not tripping.. but an act turns into a habit faster than u think.. before u know it, u've already missed countless arts of nature, missed the intriguing sunrise, the glamorous sunset, the clear cloudless translucent sky, the dark curtain that put a gloomy atmosphere to earth, the cloudy sky with facinating shapes of white cotton candy like figures, the almost magical sounds of the wonders of nature. everything..

knowing is one thing, doing is another.. words are important as such.. but actions speak louder than words that we all know.. what is the use of acknowledging all the things that u know u need to take note of but u end up not doing anything? talk abt efficiency..

guess my posts getting abit out of control now.. they're getting way too long to be in 1 entry.. guess it's the weather.. or rather me.