after pesta sukan

back frm AAS range. all i need now is some water, aloe vera gel, and lots of breathing space..

shooting's alright today.. was actually thinking whether i shld be disappointed or not.. den i come to a conclusion- if i have the power to decide whether i SHOULD be let down by my own scores, y shld i even try?

did worse than the feb 8 competition.. my 1st competition scores recorded in my AAS book.. it's been half a yr, yet i'm getting from bad to worse.. but i say to myself : my scores for the 2 ends differ by only 7 points.. so that means i'm maintaining.. and personally, i feel that it's not too bad especially under the scorching sun that i loathe, feeling it gets hotter and drier.. when i look up, all i see is a clear blue sky. i'd hav appreciate that clear sky normally, but this is juz not one of the days whereby i can juz stand and tk in the beauty of nature..

slowed down alot.. maybe coz of the dry weather.. aishah was saying that i look tense.. but i'm not.. coz i didnt even feel any excitement.. that look might be due to my frown.. loony and monica very tense.. or maybe i think they're too focused, as loony put it.. up till the point that if they didnt do as well as their average, they feel sad. monica teared. i saw it. didnt know wat to say. afraid that i'd say sth wrong coz of i nv think b4 i speak. partly coz i was afraid that she'll snap at me, saying sth like "of course lah.. u forever watever, how would u know how i feel?!" so i juz kept my mouth shut.

i want to do well. who doesnt? maybe all i need is confidence. but with that, i need to up my tolerance level, and my easily affected attitude.. plus faith, and not to forget, luck..

actually i wans t really THAT pissed with the organisers.. i am irritated, but not to that GREAT extent.. i think one of the reasons for my frustrations is that i only got to realise the importance of calming myself down and taking enough rest during the shoot.. and the desire to do well.. basking in the glory of tp clinching lots and lots of medals, i too, want one. and with that, i fully understand the amount of effort the rest of them put in, their "correct" mindset and attitudes, that i am ever so envious of, their commitment, them doing their best. and this is what i see only. i do not know how much time and energy they put into archery.. is this call passion?

doing your best, giving your best shot. does it simply mean trying? i'm afraid it's much more than that.. it is more like maximising outcome, with what u have, what u are.

and it all boils down to the individual. all these requires discipline. and although i was in a uniform grp where discipline is strongly enforced, i am sad to say that my self-discipline is way below average..

i admire those with strong will, and a high nAch. coz with that, the phrase "when there's a will, there's a way" comes into effect. but unfortunately, that doesnt apply to me, and i dunno y. i think i am more of the kinda person with a high nAff...

although the 2 scoring rounds are not that fantastic( draining i can say, and torturing), i thoroughly enjoyed the team event today.. no time for knockout.. so we juz proceeded with the ranking.. we got 1 less point than one of the teams.. i'm not very affected with that. i wasnt prepared for this competition at all.. i know i am not up to the standard at all, mentally& physically. the team is great.. i can somehow feel them being supportive, and i can say that tp 3 is the most relaxed team.. we were joking, laughing, chatting, slacking and the air around me turned light-hearted despite the glaring rays without any breeze.

aishah shld be moving up to C class by the end of this yr, and judy is thinking of moving up, not so soon, but thinking of.. without aishah, we wont be able to form any team.. =( without the 2 of them, i'll be all alone.. =(

they were saying that i can move up also.. and i had a gd laugh over it.. i look at myself, and i look at C class archers, and in me is the big word 'defeat,' clear as the sky today.

they were saying get a clicker.. but with that, come the need for arrows, new fletches, more commitment, less time for my own things.. am i willing to give my best? am i really up to it? i'm afraid not. or maybe i shld say i'm nt that willing to part with a sum of money in order to buy somethings that i dunno if i can so called "scale new heights" with it.. if i'm nt able to achieve wat i set for myself after putting in time, money and effort, i think i'll be worse than wat i THINK monique and looney are feeling today.. and i am such a person.

my friends are envious of my high SEAL points, and that is the only thing i can fall back on.. saying "even so, i can gain SEAL points" has become a common excuse for my lousy performance that i am ashamed. yes. i am.. pple are envious. but do they not see the saturdays i give to archery for abt 10 months? they dont. do they see the many wednesdays that i stayed back after class for the whole of yr 1 for training? do they not see the many sundays that i went for archery competition? do they not see the heavy bag that i carry around, see how tough being out in the sun is compared to sleeping or shopping in air-conditioned areas? see how tanned i am coz of the frequent exposure to the sun? they dont. they'll juz say "wah lao. ur SEAL points so high. kill u lah." or "wah.. so black now.. wat happened? competition again? archery again? y so black? " then they'll give the roll-eyes-yucks-it's-so-horrible-to-be-tan-coz-it's'-ugly-look.. but i dun dislike it in particular.. i feel ugly yes, but vice versa i think that their i-hate-sweating-gers-shld-look-nice-and-stay-away-from-the-sun-except-from-the-beach-attitude stinks.. not really stinks, but i dun really like.. they stay away from any form of exertion except when they want to lose weight. like how obsess can u be about losing weight and being slim?
and my SEAL points high? maybe they shld take a gd look at the rest of the team. then they'll know what is really HIGH.

this entry feels more like a reflective essay. more like wat i'd say to myself, in my mind. not something that i'd blog down. but somehow or another, i like to see wat went thru my mind in my template, in IE instead of in a book or in preview form.. somehow, it feels more real, more me.