nosey

my fault. i can feel myself getting weaker the older i get.. falling sick, feeling tired, being useless..

my mind lose to my nose today. crumbling is the word. missed the bus on my way home and had to wait at the bus stop for ages.. and the weather decided to change for the better so the wind howls and the trees sway.. amd me? i feel myself being ever so pathetic dying to go home and my nose not giving me any chance to enjoy the weather i would hav enjoyed..

and the naive me thought home is the best place for a weary heart, mind and soul. who knows, the sneezing got worse, and i feel like cutting off my nose..

finally i got better. thank god.

sth kiang said during training struck me.. i realised it in the past but didnt expect others to notice it.. i somehow managed to convinced myself that i'm like that, and that wat i did is normal. now it seems as though i'm wrong. i'm trying but still quite hard to.. i know myself. i think i do. that's y i know it's beyond my power to change certain things but i'm trying.. i'm really trying.

i'm all alone at home. wat's the use of having a big family when u're left alone at home? and feeling horribly terrible at the same time? wat makes it worse is that it's a saturday night and that i ought to do something more meaningful than sitting in front of the com blogging and drinking water. wat makes it worse is that i cant get to slp.

i dun want to say anything abt jas and char. i got no energy to talk abt them now. it has been quite a long time since i felt like this.. weak body results in having less energy to do things that u otherwise can do and when that happens, u hav more time to think and unknowingly, u'll start the pessimistic cycle and hence feel useless and pathetic. how great. was juz thinking on my way home that if i juz collasped on the streets, maybe it's be better for me. but well, it's juz a thought. i'm well and alive at home doing boring stuff like this.

anyway, it's all my fault. i cant seem to handle life the way i would like to. so there.