rather angry at myself. felt stupid juz now. guess i haven got back to the pre-sick period.. i'm such a weakie.. the sun was exceptionally unbearable.. i was wondering how i got past my secondary school education with 2 years of NDP participation and 4 years of uniform grp life.. i almost gave up on St. Johns if not for my bunch of buddies i met in secondary 2. NDP scares the "whites" out of me and i took years to reduce the tan..

i've got used to the heat, somehow or another but the sun at tembusu today was bad.. maybe the fengshui at tembusu is terrible, i dunno. but somehow that angle by which the sun comes shining happily right at your face makes me irritated. back then, even when i march under the sun, we wont get the sun right in front of our faces ALL the time. it's diff now. there is only 1 direction by which we face and the afternoon sun hurts.. lost is the word when i cant see the arrows, or where exactly to aim. it's like doing something without knowing what u want or what happened.. i feel so out of control.. i find myself as sort of a control freak. i NEED to feel in control.. if not i'll go bonkers.. life crumbles.. watever~ dun think u all understand. i'm nuts..

for a moment during training, i felt almost as if the sun is mocking me, and also giving me that it's-the-season-of-hope,joy&love-so-let-us-share-and-indulge-in-this-ever-growing-happiness-and-be-optimistic-about-the-coming-year.. damn.. makes it seem as if the sun wants to show its full glory before it sets, telling me oh-how-wonderful-life-is.. damn.

i dunno when i start hating the sun. i remember i'm a person afraid of the cold so i'm pretty much alright coexisting with it. now it's almost unbearable. intolerable.. or maybe i've turned into a spiteful, irritating and ungrateful brat.

someone asked me why i looked so sad. and that i shld smile more. do i? i mean look sad?

saw adeline juz now.. the ger who i chat at night with during the malaysia trip.. someone who i haven been keeping in contact with although back then we were both so enthu abt meeting up.. it's been at least 3 years le bah.. was juz thinking abt her sometime back and the things she said then. wat a coincidence.. slept in the bus, as usual. i'm glad i didnt fell off the seat. now i'm having a headache and my eyes hurt. i guess i need rest.