i dunno y TP introduce the FAST system when all the subjects listed are not offered.. or that some courses are so popular that it's terribly hard to get in.. and when they wanna implement the system, they shld at least plan properly the time slot that the window for selection opens.. let it be on a weekend when it's "fair" to all students.. at least it wont clash with lessons mah..

and the 1st come 1st serve basis i think is bullshit.. coz if it clashes with our timetable, we wont be able to hav it anyway.. plus, the system is so sucky that u dunno whether the allocation is just. sianz sianz sianz sianz...

and they're not offering sociology for nxt sem.. nor human behaviour in the workplace..
does this mean that if my course includes Organisational Behaviour, then iwould nt be able to tk sociology and human beh in wkplace as CDS??

i was looking at the courses available and almost wanted to take water technology, or some chinese culture PRC thingy.. see how limited the choices are? until i make such "brilliant" decisions? but i didnt in the end.. chose jap and french instead.. lolx.. no matter what, languages sound so much better than water treatment plant and doing bizness wif china.. right? lolx..

chose my cds in the lab.. 1st time i rushed thru the selection.. usually i took longer.. much longer.. juz by staring at the screen and thinking abt my "future".. lolx.. this time round, after saffron, rushed to lab to do, den close the window and rushed to lec.. was late for lec.. but i dun care lah.. her lessons are ever so boring anyway.. lolx

anyway, i juz remember my clsmate saying sth tt i think is quite dumb. my fone rang and the ringtone is my sis's voice.. they want to hear so i play it again.. 1st he said it was weird, then he said dunno wat my sis is saying, den he commented that it is very scary, esp if my fone rings at night.. i wanted to say "siao ar.. u think too much.. the voice u are toking abt unfortunately belongs to my SIS.. and y would i be scared to hear my sis voice in MY house?" dumb comment anyway.. *shrugs

think 7th month he thinks too much..

My Friday Life

i skipped training coz of the weather.. ^-^v

saffron was good.. great team dynamics i can say? lolx.. i was the butcher, saucier, stewart, sweeper, and food taster all in 1 day.. lolx.. the only gross thing was the beef shanks.. i strained it in a coriander, looking at all the blood flowing off.. after which i feel so uneasy coz beef is not supposed to be washed with water, so i got to make do with handling bloody beef shanks with my bare hands!! cut into dice.. imagine trimming away the fats, and beef is much more diff to cut compared to fish fillet!! the beef is sticky, due to the blood and the meat, and i can feel the tissues and blood in my nails!!! the niam niam feeling, and i got to "hold" the beef tight enuff so that i can cut.. it's like sinking my nails deep into the raw beef.. it sux lah..

helped saucier today.. got the hang of it after awhile.. know wat to do and wat not to do.. new order=put portion into inserts and ginger on top. wait. pick up=put insert into overn, set timing, on. after which=take out souffle cup and prepare rice. overturn souffle cup at the red line. let huishan pass so that she can out her spinach and asparagus. then wait for the "ding", open oven slightly to let the steam escape. use tourchon tk insert. remove ginger. den let huihui prepare. remove souffle cup. soak in water. wait for next order.. it was interesting!! much better than being pattisier and juz slacking ard waiting for pple to order desserts.. the 7 pax one really fun.. all at once order 7 portions of fish.. so fun!!

only a bit of food left for testing.. the beef stew was fantastic, plus the potato!! awesome stuff!! not to forget the fried dumplings with wasabi mayonnaise!! argh~ superb!! the dessert pudding ws great too, the vanilla sauce complements the pudding well. wow~

today wasnt as tired as past saffron trainings.. maybe coz i busied myself with alot of stuff, until i enjoyed wat i was doing.. i told others to relax.. lolx.. that's sth new!! hehe

had great fun working with them.. QQ is an outstanding aboyer... her orders are clear and loud, minimising miscommunications, think the service side kanna "confronted" by her a few times.. lolx.. a great help to the sauciers!!

1 table commented that the fish is too salty.. think i shldnt be that generous with the salt ya.. haha.. shld be more generous with the wine instead.. saw chef Ng insert.. flooding with wine.. lolx.. and chef Phua still told us not to put that much as it is only for flavouring.. lolx..

volunteered to sweep the floor, again. coz noone seems to like sweeping.. as usual, karene did the mopping.. this this becomes a fixed duty for me and karene le.. lolx.. after food tasting, everyone was slacking ard so i go clean up 1st.. became the assistant stewart.. lolx.. anyway, nxt week my turn also.. fruitful day.. saffron is always so comfy.. nice and snug.. lolx.. plus nice smell.. hehe.. i didnt even know outside was raining cats and dogs until someone came in and told the rest of us.. once i stepped out of that kitchen, i was freezing.. lolx.. the wind ar.. half numbs my feeling and my hands and toes are icy cold.. think blood circulation not gd lah.. haha..

slept thru the 2 lectures.. and by now, i think alot of pple know that it is the norm for me to slp during lecs.. to the point that shini told me that she heard frm pple de.. lolx.. of course lah.. it IS the norm. and pple noticed.. coz the lecs are too boring,.... pple chatting away and looking ard.. sianz.. even Nair slept!!! haha.. imagine lecturers slping.. waste of my time.. shld hav gone home earlier..

cold cold day. gd gd *rub hands together..

gonna slp early tonight.. tml is a brand new day.. weather would most prob be hot and humid, coz of the rain tonight.. and practically no clouds.. so tml muz apply sunblock ya.. keep away the UVA and UVB rays.. lolx..

ok.. hope nxt week's training is as smooth sailing and fruitful as today's.. but as usual, chef phua's flare ups are also considered a norm as the weeks go by.. so getting used to it le.. =D

saw this ger at the bus stop today.. quite pretty.. but when she took out her cigarette.. hmm.. impression TOTALLY changed... didnt want to seem rude so i didnt fan my face, nor did i make it very obvious that i was dying to get out of there, although i really feel like walking to the side where the wind wasnt blowing.. lolx.. so far succeeding at controlling my temper.. so ya.. ^-^v

haha. that's all.. my fri life.

mizuno distribution rights taken over by either royal sporting house or world of sports.. so my lifetime supply of mizuno sports goods gonna end soon.. there goes all my cheaper sports alternatives.. sianzzzzzz....

anyway, gd news is that SAA giving us FILA shirts.. coz of gd performance.. that set me thinking "are we really that gd?" and "NO" is the answer.. we have a longgggg way to go.. and y would they giv shirts to us? walking advertisement? ltr the shirts got prob again den i laugh.. i anything.

anyway, saw familiar faces in the poly search thingy at some mediacorp webbie.. saw a ger frm holy high, QQ my clzmate, qianyuan and his gf, guang, alvin, and some more familiar faces but dunno the name... i didnt even know such a website existed.. until shini shouted for me to go and see qianyuan's pic.. my sis also told me abt it.. she was using the com in sch and saw his pic so she asked me if i know abt it.. juz got to know it today.. shini was saying that he looks very diff.. i dunno lah.. nv see him in sch de.. lolx..

some DJ was saying this..

..no courage to face the truth even when it's right in our faces..
.. means too much..
.. didnt want to lose it all..

doesnt want anything to change bah i think.. or too scared to try.. suddenly yukino's face flashed in my mind and arima's shy expression became clear in the council meeting scene..

scared.. y shld we be afraid? y muz we succumb to fear? human nature? i'm afraid it's not..

didnt want to say anything.. not because i'm stupid or ignorant.. yes i am, but not to all things.. it's nt as if i dun care.. i did, but time wasnt on my side..

was browsing thru pple's blogs and i saw this :

[ there will always be the things in life that we are afraid of, the things that will hurt us... that still isn't a good enough reason to live in fear... you asked me for my heart... i told you it was yours... but i wasn't brave enough to give it all away... i should have been, you gave me everything i could imagine... we were in that bliss if only for a moment... and i am still the guilty one... i was standing at the edge and you told me it was ok to jump... i stood there looking over for so long...
we wept for all the suffering in my fearful choice... you took me by the hand and we went together to find an answer...]

applicable to all couples out there ya?

pple always say "u are wat u eat.." and i always wonder.. "if i eat junk food, am i juz trash?"
it sux lah.. like someone toking in my brain, totally oblivious to MY thoughts.. saying funny things tt i dun even know i am capable of thinking.. the kinda feeling is as if ur phone line crossed someone else's and u end up listening to their conversation but no matter wat u do, they cant hear u..i muz be out of my mind.. juz ignore me.

jinx or jinx not?

darn.. really dun feel like typing the same content twice.. but i want to confess..

i think i am a jinx.. really. jinx to team s'pore..

u know y ronald susilo lost to that thailand guy? coz i was watching the competition on tv mobile during the journey home.. and it's a terrible ending.. to lose by a point is still alright.. but 1-15?

service over too many times i think.. until the opponent made him real tired.. adn the speed they play is very different.. the thailand guy very "fierce" in "attacks" i think, while susilo quite weak at "defending".. the game also very draining, with them running all ard the court.. and the thailand guy's backhand quite zai.. he even "flew" to save a "shot".. sounds like volleyball ya?

anyway, i dun like what the stupid commentator says.. abt s'pore govt million dollar reward for an olympics gold medal and so on.. kept harping on the whole stupid monetary benefits.. make the govt seems so in need of recognition and the player so desperate for money, which is not the case...

remember a few yrs back when the table tennis team almost got into top 3 and the whole nation was hoping for our 1st gold medal in either the SEA games or olympics.. the time when jing jun hong became famous overnight? yeah.. she got 4th coz i was watching thw whole competiton that time, live.. same to susilo.. i was watching the show LIVE tonight, so he lost..

but cannot blame him also.. the whole nation anticipating and keeping our hopes high for the 1st olympics gold medal ever possible.. newspapers with his news everyday, nt to mention radio stations and tv progs with his latest news.. high media coverage sia.. of course stressed coz of the pressure the whole nation, not to mention the world, put on him.. coz no matter what, he beats the world's no. 1..

and u know y susilo won lin dan? yeah.. coz i aint watching thruout.. i missed abt half of the 2nd round to the ending.. see.. these kinda LIVE events i better stay away.. arbo sure giv them bad luck de.. feel so unlucky suddenly.. it's as if the world's spotlight dimmed..

ok.. i think i seriously need a break.. can never get enuff of slp, work is piling up, training performance stagnant, and not to forget my face seem as though it'll never get a chance to heal!! i need more rest, more water, more exercise, more sleep... and i think my wisdom tooth giving me a prob now.. it's super irritating.. cant chew properly sia.. feels like half a granny.. haizz.. and the time i spend in sch seems more than the time i stay at home.. sianzzzz...

ok. i'm so tired that i even forgotten to be grateful and happy.. until juz.. got back accounting mid-term paper.. didnt do VERY well, but still, one of the highest in the cls.. and i still loathe those pple who goes "u get so high, dun friend u already" or "dun tok to u liao lah" when pple score higher.. what is their problem seriously? someone can tell me? hear that kinda thing, sieh sian de.. like primary skl kids sia.. want to get high marks, pray harder and work harder.. dun flash the killer eyes only after we get back the paper.. or point fingers.. cannot stand it..

and i also almost forgotten to be disappointed and note the negative things.. BESE presentation today.. didnt do well.. too nervous.. dunno wat the hell i'm doing.. after so many presentations i still so nervous.. dunno for what.. i know there's nothing to be scared of.. but in a cls, no confidence at all.. damn! anyway, some probs in the cls.. between the pple and diff grps.. sian... diff pple in the grp pissed at diff pple in other grps, wat happened, wat went wrong, at themselves, at others and all.. stupid nair.. didnt tell us earlier.. his fault lah.. if he told us earlier, or at least try out, den we'll save alot of trouble, alot of bad mood and alot of untold discomfort amongst the class, plus elimimate the weird air that hung ard after that.. damn. another stupid thing.. waste time sia.. spoiler.

too tired to blog recently.. after typing 1 sentence, i gave up..

learnt grp dynamics in OB today.. the part abt the 5 stages of grp development caught my attention..

stage 1:
Forming- individuals are courteous and cautious. members are testing each other to see how compatible they are.
these 2 points are real true.. is that the acting that we always say? and wat abt making judgements? if we judge based on 1st impression or the first few encounters, we might draw certain conclusions that tend to be untrue.. like wat Mr. Nah said, grp proj, one person quiet.. it may be social loafing, due to shyness, and not that the person doesnt want to contribute.. i dunno.. seems like me..

culi sci meeting like not going very smoothly.. so many things to cover and so few pple doing it.. many thanks to eve, karene, eileen and those who helped in some way or another.. the menu that karene came up with is fabulous.. i love the idea and concept.. simple with the "wow" factor.. love it, love it, love it!!

sorry eve for letting u down.. my cls cannot make it de.. and i didnt help much either.. end up u like did 3/4 of the proj urself, tiring urself out.. rest more k..

listening to songs that guowei sent me a few days ago.. very nice songs.. pri sch partner.. i thot wont get the chance to tok to each other again.. but who knows so heng his gf is my best pal..

so here are 3 recommend songs:
1) [chong dong] by zhang ke fan
2) [Ai ren hao lei] by Zhong Jian Fen Zhi
3) [till i get over u] by michelle branch

raised my voice this morning.. coz of sth that someone told me.. the tone was wrong, all wrong.. and the things the person say.. couldnt stand it, esp after a bad morning.. bus packed, pple gave me the "buay song" face and all.. sianz..

muz learn to control... anyway, saw fifi's nick.. i like it

"The walls i build around me to keep out the sadness also keeps out the joy.."

ya hor.. barriers to entry.. :|

saw siew wen today.. some blue house junior in sec sch.. she's in hospi also.. couldnt rem her name at 1st.. didnt even know she's in tp.. much less the course she is in.. think junior i only got keep in contact wif mark.. sports day and the ceremony b4 the events happened like 2 yrs ago? and i feel so old? old but not of age to go to the 3rd brewery organised for hospi students.. sianz...
thinking abt it hor.. i'll finish half of my poly education b4 i turn 18.. lolx.. that's like super young? and within 2 yrs i'll be out in the workforce... contributing to s'pore's economy, yadda yadda..

couldnt believe i stayed up to watch olympics.. lolx.. susilo is leading!! hope he wins.. every point he leads, i'll have the "yeah, woo hoo" feeling.. lolx..

go s'pore go~

on my way home in the afternoon, caught in the rain, feeling wet and cold... couldnt run across meihui's block to the next den to my block.. so i decided to wait at the void deck for the rain to get smaller.. there's a tv at the recre corner over at the next block.. and i stood there and watched the gymnastics, tuning in to tv mobile and listening to the commentary with my phone.. lolx.. think anyone who walked past would be thinking that i'm crazy..

by the event was really great! saw one of the near-perfect "performance"... that bar is sooo super thin.. how they do backflips, cartwheels and flips on that small piece of woood? wonders of the world sia.. haha

and in the morning i watched abit of the dance... latin dance bah.. i dunno the category.. haha.. they look as if their waist is so flexible that can turn 360 degrees.. haha..

the swimming categories.. phelps.. WC.. den the aust team events also WC sia..!!! so li hai... s'pore wont be able to catch up.. ever.. haha.. nt that i dun hav confidence.. but, well, we're super small for a small country.. lolx..

enuff said. gotta go back to my tv le. nitey peeps~

~Soliloquy~

i didnt know what this word means before thurs..
now i do.

meanings:
-A dramatic or literary form of discourse in which a character talks to himself or herself or reveals his or her thoughts without addressing a listener.
-A specific speech or piece of writing in this form of discourse.
-The act of speaking to oneself.

all these i confirm can relate to. so ya. soliloquy... in blogger.. sounds so literature ya? so pro~ so chim~

eve suggested using the word as the proj theme.. the explanation is so ~ heavenly~ ...
heaven's soliloquy.. sounds perfect ya?

i realised i fell in love with the word.. couldnt get it out of my mind.. soli, solilo, soliloquy...

"wat would u do if for every moment you were truly happy there would be 10 moments of sadness?"

i thot of this before.. i know that when i am happy, i ought to cherish the moment.. but sadness after happiness is quite unbearable.. the only way to stop this is to be neutral.. neutral in almost everything.. only then would u be able to control your emotions... however, by doing so, u'll deprive urself of experiencing, of feeling...

it has been ages since i last laugh.. laugh not as in grin, nor smile.. but laugh, without sound effects.. that's the thing i missed most..

look at it this way.. if we go thru the 10 moments of sadness first, then the period would seem too long compared to the 1 moment of happiness.. and after that 1 moment of happiness, u'll start to feel cheated because the length of happiness that u experienced is much shorter than the sadness...

anyway, it's a lose-lose situation.. alot of thoughts.. cant blog it down.. forget it.

smokers.. go away lah...

darn pissed now.. those smokers!! ok. qY told me tt wq's dad died of lung cancer, coz of second hand smoke. SECOND-HAND SMOKE!! y not let those idiotic brainless morons smoke themselves to death and NOT make others suffer? coz of their stupidity?? this is juz so damn unfair..

smokers.. sux. y cant they juz go to some inhabited island to live, away from us, all of them, and smoke themselves to death there? inhale all those toxins, all those chemicals, and affect one another? may they get lung cancer and die in polluted air. darn buay song now.. coz of that 1 sentence. ARGH!!! smokers juz go away.. u all aint helping the environment.. the govt is doing so much to make everything environmental friendly and those spoilers juz smoke 1 packet of cigarette per day and there goes all our effort!! all those ozone-layer CFC-free labels.. WTH!! juz let all the smokers die, den we can save trees coz less trees would need to be cut down for the producton of cigerettes (the packaging and the cigerette itself), save manpower, direct them to other more meaningful departments, lower crime rates, "healthier" citizens, present a better image of s'pore coz our pple wont all look like drug addicts wif the craving for smoking, yellow teeth, and the stance!! pungent and chocking smell.. get rid of all that.. if we can eliminate all these "black sheeps" in our society, den i think we can do without the save-the-world campaign for like 3 yrs.. and may even grant special permission to pentel to produce liquid paper WITHOUT the green label..

my grandparents WERE smokers.. y cant others do the same? juz QUIT.. we hav so many hotlines helping others to quit, go into any hospital or polyclinic to find out more info as to how to seek help, wat u can do, how others can help etc.. tk the 1st step.. losers shldnt complain..they dun hav the right to anyway..

ok. i sound like some ignorant brat.. but who cares man, seriously.. watever.. i say wat i like.. lalaa.. and smokers can jolly well *siam one side.. dun dirty the air around me. thank you for your kind act.. ur generousity and courtesy will be remembered. and i will jolly well pass this act of kindness on.. pass it on, pass it on, pass it on... so u can siam one side, siam far far, go away.. ;D

received the news on my way to SGH this afternoon.. boling msg and asked if i'm free this sunday.. if i am then we'll all go and visit weiqiang coz sth happened to him.. 1st thing that comes into my mind "pls no.. dun tell me he's in the hospital too.." i called bl, and she told me that his dad passed away.. F4 E1... it feels like ages ago..

took 65 to harbourfront den change train to outram.. dun ask me y i chose that route, i juz did.. stayed in the hospital till 8.. and reached home at 9..

caught the last 15 mins of the 9pm show.. xiaoyan was saying sth that i can relate to.. on the surface, we seem to live a very fruitful life with busy schedules and exciting plans.. but dun u find that after awhile, u dunno y u are so busy with wat u're doing?? u dunno y u do wat u did? u feel empty?? u all it loneliness? 寂寞的常客, i am, too..

my cousin juz came back from some island in thailand and was chatting with me abt how nice the island is.. and i feel the need to get away.. away from everything.. juz somewhere for me to not be me..

wat do i want out of life? enjoyment? happiness or sheer torture? i guess most of us chose the last option so that we can enjoy our happiness when days get better?? i dunno..

alot of thots.. but i cant seem to blog them down.. all i do nowadays is to blog down my day to day activities.. as if everyone is interested in this boring life of mine..

for now, let me rest.

dim sum dollies..

watched dim sum dollies today.. it rox!!!!!!!

Emma can really dance.. haha.. twist i mean.. hehe.. and the different songs are great!! set me laughing again and again..

LOVE the theme song.. and the action of the 喝茶,吃点心,点心点心 gestures!!

Bigger is better and larger is good.. so upsize ur life... lolx..

and the giggling girls!!! really reminds me of last time.. gigggles till cant stop.. at the slightest things.. when a bunch of gers is together, we'll chat and gossip.. cant stop us frm giggling.. hahaha

and the palace prisoner from tokyo... real funny i tell u... coz mother theresa appeared and when the crying ger tried to say sth, mother T said sth like "i haven finish" lolx..

and the today no go home... hahahahahahaha.... old pple in no go home old folks home.. one called ah Mm, one called ah soh and one called ah ger... lolx

think the stand up, nip tuck sucks, upper crust, OTT not so good..

part 2 is great!!!!!!!!

from the parking pontianak, to maid in heaven (the male dancers wear wings and act like angels cleaning cotton clouds... lolx.. so cute!! "see the statistics" hahahahaa.. think only those who watched will know wat i'm saying.. lolx..), and the SQ and s'pore girl!!!! so cool!!! it's very local!! very easy to relate to.. and it's english plus abit of dialect, chinese.. cham cham mix... so rojak.. like singlish!!! it is singlish!!!! and the finale, the 6 male dancers wore sarong kebya, walked out of the fake airplane they set up, wore heeld, and dance like women!!! budden ending they took off their heels, put them nicely in front, and did the "tell a name u do a stunt" thingy.. never hav i seen guys dancing lidat... graceful as gers but yet aggressive at times also.. aiya.. hard to explain.. it's nice.. lolx..

the applauding at the end was soOOOoooOOOOooOOoooOOoooOOoooOOooOOoooOOooo long that they kept bowing... lolx.. we juz wont stop... and they did an encore.. before tt, the show ended with those concert style.. the fireworks behind and some popping of long silvery strands of things.. hahaha.... didnt expect them to do such things indoor.. in the durian!!!

there's this part they sang spore songs that we hear during NDP.. den they joked abt the show "sex in the city", say sth abt the cabinet affairs.. den towards the end they took out their spore flags( small ones, we're also given one each) and waved.. that moment i looked ard, the feeling is soooo s'pore.. as if we're all soo patriotic.. waving flags and singing spore songs.. hahaha....

hmm.. it's so local that i juz couldnt help not enjoying every moment of it.. regretted not watching forbidden city last time.. wanted to watch it.. but didnt..coz tt yr i participated in NDP.. so very busy.. heard edelina said that it was great!! sadden~

after the show we revert back to the old days.. excited abt taking photos.. we took abt 30 shots!! haha.. all weird poses, funny actions, crazy spur-of-the-moment thingy.. lolx... actually i say so much also no use.. nvm.. forget it.. hahahaha

okie.. i had so much fun in the eving that i almost forgot to mention.. meeting at 9.. i reached at 845.. waited till 915.. called and msg.. some juz woke up, others NEVER reply.. didnt want to get mad, so i went o the library to slack.. read some books.. the system is down.. sian.. turned out tt some woke up late, some THOT the meeting was supposed to be at 10, some didnt even care.. good.. i dun either..

is this coincidental??

was in blogger mainpage when i clicked on the recent blog updated link and found these.. i think it's fate that i juz so happened to come across this person's blog.. s'porean...

----------------------------------------------

It would have been easier ... if my mistake affects only myself.

But as with most mistakes, the repercussions are felt by others too. The "sorry" spoken at the end of every major mistake is always weak. It repairs nothing and undo nothing.

Sometimes you wonder, why you say it anyway.

But undernealth it, lies some personal struggles.

*Sigh

---------------------------------------------------

One must not cease to find one's purpose in life. Everything that ever happen in your life is merely part of a larger design. One does not live in isolation. The choices we made everyday carries repercussions far further we will ever comprehend. We must make it a point to do all things in love.

Love is more than a feeling.

It is a choice.

-------------------------------------------------------

(Preview from Singapore Idol 3)

Dick Lee; eyes burning with rage, shouting at one of the contestants.

"You think you are something? Now you are NOTHING ! GET OUT !!!"

Somehow, it sounded like God ... shouting at me.

--------------------------------------------------------------

and this :
Here is my world of thoughts. Nothing more then the randomness that hits me day to day and of course, with a spin on what I believe. All I ask, is that if you don't like what I write, click the little X in the upper right hand corner.

someone wrote this in his or her blog, and it juz so nice coincides with wat i posted last time.. the last sentence.. this is amazing~

and i saw my bro's fren's blog!! so heng.. clicked on a couple of them only.. saw his pic.. looked familiar.. lolx.. this is soooo funny...

term break.. no use.

went to panpac wif steph ytd.. den to suntec.. bought a presentation skirt and ate sakae.. broke le.. training today.. was in a good mood at first.. den after tt dunno y back to usual.. shot the small target face at 1st.. den after that round 2 we shot the 122 target face.. after like months of not shooting big target face.. of course score better.. but still not ideal.. sianz...

i realised that after shooting for awhile, when i am tired (that's what ken says), i'll start to see 2 sight.. and i cant aim, cant anchor, so i juz anyhow watever~

bow training better than previous weeks.. was kinda sian.. we were told to reach tembusu at 1230.. budden we're not supposed to shoot till those pple in LTC go some ALP or APL thingy.. watever that is.. so we juz sit ard and wait.. wait for them to finish their lunch and siam.. so sian.. set up everything den cannot shoot..

was asked to lead the jog today.. heard someone behind saying "run so slow".. and i was thinking.. maybe i shld juz turn ard and tell him tt the coach asked me to keep to that pace.. and it isnt very fair for those who can run faster to cut ahead of others and leave the slower ones behind, with leaving lesser time for them to rest before the shoot..

k. it's impossible to like everyone in this world.. so i shall juz keep quiet..

hmm.. 1st impression does make a difference.. juz by the way a person speaks.. perception..

anyway, i realised that i'm operating on the self-serving bias theory.. tendancy to attribute gd results and performance to internal factors and failures to external causes like luck.. like i always say during training, it's a heng suay thing...

tml will be a LONGGGGggGGGgGGGgggggGgggggg day... 9 o'clock meeting for BESE, den 1 o'clock meeting for culi sci.. den evening going to watch dim sum dollies... hope it's nice.. lolx..

saw carol in suntec sakae ytd.. she transferred from kovan to suntec.. told me that business there is bad.. old outlet's staff almost all gone le.. kelvin going to NS soon, the rest all left, left jeff.. there goes the old times.. the blast-chinese-songs-during-duty, the hand signals and the conference at night... shu yue promoted to supervisor.. ah feng auntie got breast cancer, wah eng auntie's husband passed away... william in east point after being transferred to OUB.. so many things happened in 1 yr.. jeff got a daughter le.. the only person i think doesnt change much is suijing.. saw her sometime back with her bf.. she didnt see me.. good..

shot 2 rounds, plus team, plus bow exercises, plus lots of jacks!! i did like 44 counts of 8 jumping jacks in total today.. plus pumpings... didnt feel much.. like usual, i think my body is there, soul somewhere there, mind somewhere else..

回到未来

someone told me this today: 回到未来

and suddenly, i feel weird.. the person who told me that is a nun.. i saw her in the temple.. i dunno y she said that to me, but i didnt ask.. was telling my mom abt it and she told me that i shld asked.. if i didnt, i wont know. but to me, certain things are not meant to be known.. to me..

sunday morning... stupid alarm..

Don't go around saying that the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

You must not sit around all complacent and wait for an exceptional life to find you. Taking no action IS an action. If you are doing nothing to move your life forward, you are still doing something, by making the decision to remain in the same place. So indirectly, inaction IS an action. You must act or be acted upon.

I knew ALL these.. Yet i am NOT doing anything to improve.. it doesn't make sense does it??

I think people can be divided into 2 kinda. those who think about what happened, and does nothing, and those who doesn't wonder but does the things that need to be done.. and sadly, i belong to the first group.. Thinking doesn't make anyone better.. It sort of creates the feeling of staying at square 1, even though we might not be..

amazingly, the 1st prayer i include is correct.. this is a new one.. never hear b4 de..

Guardian Angel from heaven so bright,
Watching beside me to lead me aright,
Fold thy wings round me, and guard me with love,
Softly sing songs to me of heaven above

Dam Bo Siao

blog music: Richard_Clayderman_-_Ballade_Pour_Adeline

nice right??

anyway, after OB today, culi meeting was______... steph, peiling and tina all going crazy waiting for me, nixon and huihui.. wanted to go klunch at 1st de.. budden coz we drag and drag, no time le.. when we reached orchard, another nightmare.. it's pple mountain pple sea.. sea of red, sea of agony, full of pple wearing red, the NATIONAL colour!!

kbox full.. muz book.. so in the end we went to eat edo buffet.. aint commenting on their service and food.. anyway, i sae ZY and i think that's her bf.. twice in a day.. when i was rushing to the test venue coz i was late, and when i was eating with the 5 of them.. they were planning to eat in edo also, den she saw me, den the 2 of them hide behind the big menu for quite long, den they took the escalator up.. think she told him sth.. coz he looked into the outlet.. after awhile den they came back to eat.. haha.. am i a monster or sth?? y muz hide??

anyway, met up with aining and esther in the evening... we wanted to watch ella enchanted at 1st but the tix all sold out... den aining suggested The Village.. but steph watching tml wif her bf.. and den i told them i'll be watching with my fren.. so in the end the movie plan was cancelled.. went to swensens... damn full by then.. watch the 2 da xiao jie eat and we chat.. haha.. was laughing the whole time.. the 7 of us so much crap lor... making the most noise in the whole restaurant.. enjoyed the slacking time thoroughly..

the bunch of guys sitting at the table next to us kept eavesdropping.. and amongst themselves, they repeat wat we were saying.. damn irritating.. maybe coz i was sitting nearest to them tt's y i heard.. the rest of them still laughing away.. haha.. nv tell them.. dun wanna spoil their mood..

walked out of swensens full and contented.. aining suggested go far east walk walk.. so we went.. i resisted ALL temptations to eat my Fruit Flo.. in the end they managed to psycho my to eat the turkish ice-cream.. the place is located at some ulu part of far east that i NEVER even knew exsisted.. the ice-cream is fabulous.. NOT sweet, not filling.. juz gave me the contented feeling (again) after eating.. furthermore, that's ice-cream with an attitude, so i say, coz got entertainment also.. haha.. the few of us were having fun playing with the person.. haha.. or rather, he was having fun "performing"...

OB was a killer.. hope i pass.. went in late, very kan cheong.. den anyhow pong the answers.. hope i somehow managed to bluff my way thru... hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

it's nice to know that someone remember sth abt u that u didnt even notice.. nicey feeling.. haha.. k lah.. tt's all crap..

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i siao liao lah.. going crazy soon..

after accounting paper..

i feel so dumb today.. was telling myself that i got to reach sch b4 8.50 so i woke up at 6.. stupid me!! it was when i was on the bus that i realised that i am way too early for the test.. reached sch at 7.30.. only a few souls there.. so i sat somewhere and stare into space.. the weather is sooo cold again this morning.. maybe coz it's early, that's y it's cold.. i dunno..

accounting test ar.. i guess i'm quite lucky today.. at 1st my balance sheet couldnt balance.. no matter how i check, all my calculations and all correct.. so i gave up and did the other qns.. left the last 10 mins den i realised that my mistake is in my P&L statement... heng lor.. changed the things and juz nice hand in.. but dunno correct or not lor.. hopefully bah..

test and exam period i always abit eccentric de.. stress? dun think so.. i so relaxed sia.. stress what? this morning, i was wondering if dreams coincide with reality.. coz last night, i dreamt that i was in pain.. real pain, until i woke up.. budden when i was awake, i couldnt confirm if it was really a dream or i really was in pain, woke up and went back to sleep.. if dreams are real, then it shld be painless.. but if it's real, then y does it seem so much like a dream?? anyway, crap.. forgive me.. the crazy bacteria getting into my head..

here's some analysis thingy from birthdate: quite true huh??
You are Green Fawn, whose expression and attitude seems slow and lacks energetic action.
You are quiet and don't say much.
You will not show your inner feelings to people easily.
You have the heart of a young child, and although you may act bit selfish, you will not make enemies.
You are shy and reserved, and tends to be bit like dreaming little girl.
By depending on others you express yourself, and therefore people find it hard to hate you.
You are not very good at handling real world.
You are interested in emotional and mental fields.
And tend to study subjects like religion and mysterious things.
You have a tendency to be self satisfied, but you yourself do not mind that at all.
You actually enjoy that.
You are good at fending off other people's frustration and anger.
Therefore you don't get caught up in troubles, and are able to lead a quiet and peaceful life.
You can not stand difficult situations, and will easily give things up.
If you can work with those people who are gentle and kind, they can bring out your inner talent.

looking for recipes online for the fri culi sc meeting.. found sooooo many that i would like to try out and eat.. haha.. but i have to take into consideration the preparation time, cost, and all.. resisted the urge to include all raspberry-related dessert recipes.. haha.. coz i know that quite a number of pple doesnt really like raspberry.. haha..

dunno lah.. during the break still muz meet up for the try-outs and deciding on the ONE.. and Ron told me that we got to meet up during the break to prepare for BESE presentation during the 1st week of term 2.. haizz... sianz......

and i'm such a mega slacker that i dunno wat to do sia.. accounting less than half done.. but luckily i read thru OB ytd.. haha.. so not so bad..

A-Teens's song: hi and goodbye.. decided to include only the 1st part..

I see you walking down the street
I catch your eye before we meet
But you look down to check your feet
I wish I'd say are you okay?
You're looking better everyday
But I just smile to walk away


hahaha... hi but no goodbye... hahaha...

brotherhood

watched "brotherhood" today.. didnt expect the show to affect me, but it did.

went to cine, but we were late bt 8 mins (and my cousin didnt want to miss the show) so we went to causeway point to watch the later show..

ate at oodles, was enjoying my food until my cousin asked me to check the time.. we were almost late, but we didnt miss the show.. coz of the advertisements and all.. luckily~

my cousin was asking me y i so cold-blooded, as if i'm not affected by the show.. but little does she knows that i teared. i dun cry, i dun sob. i tear. my eyes was in it's "open" stage thru the show.. coz when u open ur eyes wider, tears dun fall that easily.. and bcoz i know myself (i hope), i know that when i start to cry, it's the end... i wont stop.. the show very touching at times, and sad...

the plot is damn good (to me), the director is very kiang, juz tt the cameraman abit lousy.. haha.. i sit middle row, then the screen abit too big, the camera jerks and movements abit hard to make out what the situation is..

war~ haizz.. too many comments to make, so little space to write... so i decided not to include my point of view... pple wont like it if u say sth that they dun wanna hear anyway..

never regret watching the show.. it's the same for behind enemy line(s)?? great shows!!!

alright at 1st, den mood dipped.. mood didnt exactly dipped.. juz tt when it's more of a one-to-one conversation, i'll tend to be unreasonable.. i AM.

i got this frm a fren's profile:

"i look fierce. "wat u see is wat u get" - doesnt work for my case. it takes time to know the real me. first impression counts but does not mean that's wad u get. luv the frens who have been by my side. trusting me. supporting me. u all know who u r. i hope so. hate to put on make-up. dey waste alot of time. thou makes one look prettier for only a period of time. cinderella before 12 mid-night."

and i TOTALLY agree with her!!!

sometimes, dun ask if u think u wont like wat i'm going to say.. and sometimes, entertainment can be so exhausting, esp if i'm the entertainer..

go ahead.. plan an outing for 4.. i know u'll not.. even if u somehow managed to, it will NEVER happen... and i dun wanna be there at that time to "witness a miracle".. i am NEVER the glue.. so count me out for this sticky, stinky job.. ur kind intentions are appreciated, although u never brought the whole idea up to me. luckily u didnt. i dun wanna start another big hoo-ha over nothing..

i dunno y i am affected by this useless kinda thing.. i ought to focus on more impt issues at hand.. call me stupid, go ahead.. but for ur info, i tried to change, i've changed, but i'm still me. the same person that i used to hate myself for being.. i cant think of anything to do abt myself.

someone plz tell me the meaning and definition of "me".

the sunday times

hmm... sunday came and went like wind sia.. and i haven start on any of my term papers.. sianz.. dun feel like starting anyway.. went out with yong and qi in the evening, to HM.. haha.. planning to watch brotherhood with them tml.. hmm... not very enthu abt the show sia.. but i'm DYING to go out... haha..

anyway, i quit my "job" as a housewife.. my mom's taking over now.. haha..

i dun think we need that many different kinds sia.. 1 each is more den enuff..

btw, i saw xiaowei on channel U ytd.. some looking for ou xiang show.. wah piang.. juz so happened to switch channel, den nv take note of the name, den i switched again, den i saw her face, looks familiar, but diff.. after awhile den i realised that it's her!! hmm.. bad luck for her sia.. didnt even get pass the 1st round.. hmm.. well, she's in TP design sch now.. hmm.. so "heng" sia.. when i told sam, she was laughing like dunno wat sia.. looks like fren's sis's fren doesnt really help much huh?? haha..

missed the times when we were so gam.. make noise, buay kia xia suay.. haizz.. guess i'll never have the chance to meet up with all of them again.. =(

pesta sukan end of august.. dont feel anything at all.. think the excited feeling gone liao.. or maybe coz it's still so far away.. and i haven submit my goals for pesta sia.. deadline near liao.. not that i dun wanna do but simply bcoz i absolutely have no idea wat to include and how to explain.. certain things are felt, not expressed in words.. and my vocab limited.. how to explain clearly and fully? i really dunno.. planning to tk 1 step at a time..

note of the day:
sometimes when u hesitate to cross the border, u'll miss the chance forever.. but if u somehow did, it's nearer to the end than u thought it is. either way, u're at the losing end. it's a lose-lose situation.. u'll never win.. so y bother? sianz.... hand me the time-turner pls...

NOTICEBOARD:

[note.of.the.day]
to.all:
i.am.now.a.qualified.full.time.housewife.
pls.contact.me.if.there's.any.household.chores.to.do.for.a.tiny.amount.of.S11.
can.do.almost.everything.other.than.cooking.
specialise.in.sweeping.floor, washing.clothes.using.washing.machine, hanging.clothes, ironing.clothes, making.the.bed, feeding.pets, packing.things.
so.wait.no.more...give.yourself.that.long.deserved.break.from.the.routine.lifestyle.of.staying.in.the.house.and.busying.urself.having.no.life.at.all..
contact.me.for.more.details.. glad.to.be.of.help. 23.hr.service, meaning.i.dun.work.24/7.. bookings.available.
thank.you.

Dear angels:

Angel of God my guardian dear,
to whom God's love commits me here.
Ever this day be at my side,
to light and guard to rule and guide.

importance

It's important to realise that urgency itself is not the problem.
The problem is that when urgency is the dominant factor in our lives,
importance isnt.
What we regard as "first things" are urgent things.
We're so caught up in doing,
that we dont even stop to ask if what we're doing really needs to be done.

overweight issue.. juz for laughs

feel like sharing this.. from some library book:

you feel overweight, and it depresses you.
The more depressed you get, the more you trough out;
The more depressed you get,
the more you graze and the more you chub up.
You feel tired so you spend the weekend sleeping.
This makes you feel more tired so you laze around dozing on the sofa.
This makes you feel even more tired so you go to bed,
but you can't get to sleep because you feel too tired.
When you get up on Monday morning, you are completely spanked.

sunday.

noddy is tired~

they all asked me out, but i'm nt free... badly wanted to go out with 150+ today.. budden i didnt.. as usual, the complaints and excuses that surfaced when deadlines are near always managed to make me feel terrible.. wanted to meet up with them.. and ching also.. so long nv go out together le.. missed the slacking times..

juz finished with the BESE notes.. dun really think peer teaching is effective. but it depends on how the rest of the grp thinks.. seriously, i think i'm damn slack.. everyone is rushing for god knows what.. and i TOTALLY agree with gary's nick "the time to relax is when u dun have time for it."

dunno y also.. i seem to take things too easy i think.. once i'm done with something, i'll be super contented and reward myself with twice or trice the amount of rest i need.. i dun particularly like to do things during the weekends.. coz if i start, i wont know where my weekend goes.. and if that happens, i'll be damn sad and my week wont start off well..

i guess it's all a mental game..

tough. weak. tough. weak. yes. no. yes. no. i dunno!! turn to... aiya.. nvm.. no point blogging here also.. sian sia..

the pic that i wanted to upload last last week.. the appetizer char and i prepared.. 

saffron mock up

saffron mock up today.. did pastry.. the dessert was not too bad.. abit blur as to where to get what and what to do.. turned out well anyway. so not so bad.. my section was the easiest, hence less scoldings from the chefs.. actually no scolding.. juz some nagging..

pple commented that i draw the cherry very nice.. hehe.. did it with the chocolate that we melted.. too bad we didnt get to eat the chocos.. my fren tasted and say that it's great.. :( 

got the feedback forms during debriefing and overall, pple are satisfied with our service and food. it seems like our presentation is gd.. good grp dynamics i can say? lolx.. the whole team worked quite well, so i'm happy.. :)

no archery training today.. rushed home to get ready.. budden decided to have my dinner 1st.. luckily i did.. coz ken msged and informed me that ppcc is closed for today and told me not to go down.. heng ar.. so basically, i've been slacking since i got home.. very long never have this kinda feeling le.. juz slacking and watching tv, not worrying abt things.. sianz..

realised that there's 1 thing i cant stand nowadays.. that is empty stomach.. when i feel hungry, i'll get the uncomfortable feeling.. and i MUZ eat.. maybe that's y i'm getting fatter.. hehe..

oh ya.. this funny person juz tok to me.. and he or she told me that the sis saw my display pic and commented that i'm ugly.. lolx.. how nice.. and that i dun look my age..

fine. when pple told u that u're ugly, there's absolutely no way u can try to defend.. haha.. wat to say? ya. i am.

ARGH!!! stupid me~!! did my OB project ytd and i didnt save it!!!! but i rem saving!!! wasted ALL MY EFFORT!!! argh!!!! *knock myself twice wah piang!! gotta finish and send to my grpmates sia!!! haizz...

saw QY in the bus today.. wouldnt have met him if we dun have this stupid accounting cls test that lasts for 50 mins..

was happily chatting with eve and tina and walking to the bus stop.. didnt see anyone i know. not even fiona... we were, as usual, 38-ing..

was commenting that it's quite impossible for us to squeeze into the single deck 69 coz it was already very crowded inside.. in the end managed to board.. den saw his gf and him.. smile but never say anything to him..

the trip home is super duper fast.. coz we tok and had so much fun on the way.. junyuan in the same bus also.. that slacker! haha.. we all quite shocked to see him taking the same bus sia.. haha..

wah piang! sian sia.. alighted at hougang interchange and change 112 home.. while waiting, this guy came over and want to be friends..kept asking.. the lady in front kept looking.. damn! i ignored, turn to face the other side, den he disappeared.. dun say liao.. tired.. gotta slp soon.. lack of sleep makes me look like a panda..

wed blogging abt tues

hmm.. memories, memories and more menories ytd.. the whole day.. everything from the moment i stepped out of the house till i reach tp, the journey, wat i hear on the radio station, at the bus stop, during apel class, break time in the library, OB lec..

heard the quote on 93.3 FM.. haha.. exactly wat i've been thinking.. :|

QQ. thanks for sharing ytd ya.. :)

i'm so stupid.. didnt realise sth abt my clsmate even though the term passed for like 5 weeks.. didnt know wat to say. nvm.. shant be KAPO and ask wat i'm curious to know.. anyway, was chatting with this clsmate and the person told me that archery is incerdibly fun.. lolx.. wait till the setting up of range, hot sun and PT.. den see if the same comment stands.. i'm getting weaker.. bo eng sia.. haizz..

k lah.. nowadays too lazy to blog.. most of the time would rather do manually or juz forget it.. so ya. lesser posts will be up.. that's all. gotta go back to accounting again.

raining cats and dogs and elephants and hippos juz now.. SUPER GREAT weather!! woke up although i was very reluctant to get out of bed.. coz of my accounting.. didnt practise and never study the theory part.. haha.. in the end i sit in the kitchen i fell asleep when doing posting!! haha.. sibeh sian so here i am toking nonsense to noone.. haha..

pause. start. stop

they asked me if i got a bf..

*stone face.

nothing to say.

again. again. 12 more. later.

wait. hold breath. release.

[a line knows no limit unless u put an end to it. is there a line that runs forever?]

saturday

blessed, fortunate and contented, for the day.

training was great.. wont be blogging on that, coz it's all technical
terms, with formwork and all. went off early coz i'm meeting yp they
all to go to wq's bdae..

it was only when i ws eating his bdae cake at ard 10+ that i realised
things that i've never know for more den 6 yrs.. i used to dislike him,
not exactly dislike, but juz that i dun really like the way he portray
himself? his behavior? i dunno..

was sitting on the floor with only F3-1 in the room, someone was asking
where his mom is.. den the qn of his dad and grandma pop up.. it was
then that i know that his dad got cancer.. yrs ago.. and his grandma is
now staying with his aunt. besides that, all the things that he had,
his playstation, his laptop, his hi-fi, all his things... he bought it
with his own money.. worked hard and save for them..

and suddenly, 180 degrees turn of perception.. i used to think that
this smart-alec's behavior is intolerable.. now then i realised that
actually F4E1 together for so long, he's already part of the gang,
unknowingly.. and that my past attitude towards him is bad, real bad,
and i'm ashamed of it.. he's the 1st person whom i openly show that i
dun wanna tok to.. hostility..

looking at how his sis and him get along reminds me of how i play with
my sis, how yang orh the younger ones are and how as the elder sibling,
we unknowingly show how much we love them thru our actions and body
language..

the young kids he invited were complaining that his house got no air
conditioned.. and again, that set me thinking of how fortunate all of
us present are.. compared to him, i'm like so insignificant.. my
"contributions" to my family is nth more than harsh words, raised
voice, unmeaningful debates abt crap, complaints and all.. all words,
no actions.. nth tangible...

i cant imagine myself going thru all that.. contributing to sjab like
it's his life.. his tima and effort again and again.. the juniors no
doubt benefitted alot from his hard work.. the extra mile he go juz for
them..

brains aint everything.. pple used to tell me that i got brains.. but
besides that little "xiao cong ming", i got nothing.. nothing at all..
what's the use of reading all those self-help books if i cant even be
compared to one tenth of them? pple who are actually faced with such a
situation and yet go thru the normal life routine like i do plus a
whole lot more? ans they dun read those motivational self help books,
inspiring books and all.. they're most prob the ones who wrote or
will be writing them!!

i took EVERYTHING for granted. my family, my friends, my material
possessions and all. got an aircon in my room, and yet i'm complaining
that sometimes water will leak and all.. had a com, and yet i'm forever
grumbling that my siblings are fighting to use also. i got so much more
than him, yet i'm always complaining.. compare.. of course i do.. who
doesnt? when i do that, of course i always put myself with pple who
APPEAR TO BE better than me. i THINK they are better.. that's y i
compare.. and more often than not, i missed out those who are less
fortunate.. they're less fortunate in my definition.. but i know that
to some of them, they are as rich as millionaires.. coz of their
attitudes..

my sis, the older of the younger one, spoil my mood. ruined my entire
reflective and appreciative mood. aint gonna blog it down. like
they say, we shldnt air our dirty linens outside or sth lidat lidat..

got abit irritated. ytd lidat. today also lidat. i cant help but feel irritated. twice. fine. gd.

they were asking me why i'm in such a gd mood this afternoon. i guess
it was the book. i even bought vitagen from the auntie.. most of the
time i dun. esp when i hav a tight budget.

for the past 10 days or so, i've been flipping thru TODAY and cutting
out the singtel touching hearts saving lives fund heart. for evey heart
i fold and put inside the postbox, singtel will contribute 1.25 to the
fund coz it's their 125 anniversary.. i missed the last "campaign", so
i decided to put in extra effort for this one. i cut and fold, my bro
will drop the heart in the psotbox on his way to sch. whether the thing
is tru or not i'm not sure.. but i'm willing to do it. ytd was the last
day, but i still got 1 at home, so i posted today. hope my minimal
contributions can help. not only me, my bro saw it, and i think his
friends also doing it.. spreading it ard helps.. it ended ytd.. now i'm
waiting for the report..

tml's the children's fund thingy. and again, i think i'll donate. juz
like last week. and this time round, i've already set my mind on
returning my dad the amount i donated. coz usually when i donate, he
pays when the bill comes.. this time it's diff.. i want to contribute
with my own money, although the money is still allowance given by my
mom.. i want to substitude things i can purchase (material possessions)
with a little act.

thurs

bored!

went for applied research tut today.. waste my 2 hrs.. fell asleep in cls when shew as explaining abt sample and defining boundaries and all.. slept facing the wall.. so think she most prob didnt see me slping bah.. after which we had marketing peer teaching..

finally, all done! went to the library in search of USA bus etiquette books.. was looking for books in the library for more than 1 hr.. sneezing and sneezing until i feel like choping off my nose.. met huihui at level 6 and after looking for the books for OB, i went home.. borrowed this singapore book.. very small, all quotes from s'poreans.. like how kiasu we are, singlish and all..

deleted the tagboard history.. starting anew..

realised sth.. every thursday is a raining day.. since the start of the sem.. i realised it coz the tut room is freezingly cold, and pple are bound to experience "bad weather conditions" as mentioned on the radio every thrusday for as long as i noticed.. till the point whereby i predict thurs is definitely gonna rain so i set aside my long sleeve clothes to wear..

so tired today that i dun even bother to put on my contacts.. wore specs to school.. feel nerdish and that i think i look like some china engineering student.. but who cares anyway.. pple are too busy looking at themselves to care abt me sia.. my frens commented that i look like a teacher.. dots.. teachers dun look like china nerds..

anwyay, went thru the peer teaching session with my mind blank and soul half asleep.. couldnt concentrate at all so i juz stare at the handouts and stone... and frm time to time, i read and re-read the points and sort of tried to register what is going on..

looking forward to tml's saffron. making desserts.. and i read it in a book that the word dessert is spelt with 2 'S' coz we juz cant seem to get enuff of it.. kept wanting more.. that is why lah..

wednesday

back frm sch!

saw the course director in the lift.. he was toking to me and ask what workshop am i having.. so i replied business etiquette.. and all he said was "i thot so too" and left. so lame lor.. since he already know, y ask? lolx..

pple were asking abt my top.. wat's wrong wif improvising a earstud as a pin? joy told me she was so facinated by it and kept asking me qns.. it's juz a substitute as a button. can also act as a design, watever u all want to think it is. and i used it coz the design of the top is fixed, so i got to do sth abt it right.

ching.. char asked me if i saw u today or ytd.. think one of these days she saw u, den she was asking me y u wear until lidat.. halter and mini skirt with heels.. wat happened to u.. but to me quite normal mah.. i dunno.. den she also asked if u got tell me that u saw her during the vibes, or watever the activity is called. the dan competition thingy.. asked me if u got tell me that performance thingy is nice or sth lidat.. was "discussing" abt the sch's dresscode, abt wearing miniskirts and shorts to sch... dunno lah.. sian.

in BESE, we learnt abt small talk, body language and telephone etiquette and dunno wat thing.. the thing i find most interesting and can remember is the touching and rubbing of nose.. it means that the person is lying or not telling the truth. hahahaha.. was laughing.. coz i realised i do that quite often.. and sometimes, it's not coz i'm lying or what. it's coz i got a flu! haha.. he also got mentioned sometimes it's that nose itchy, so cant help lah.. he was telling us that there's a survey on this touch-the-nse-i'm-lying thing.. and over 90% of the pple surveyed gave positive result... but i think can also be due to the fact that sometimes during a conversation, u dunno where to place ur hands exactly coz it's rude if u fold ur arms or put ur hands on ur hips mah.. so the very natural reaction is to touch ur nose, ur face, ur hair and so on..

fell asleep during accounting tut.. woke up to see the tutor standing in front and looking at my direction. in order to wake myself, i did qn 2.. managed to do the trial balance qn.. stupid mistake i made ytd.. haha..

running out of clothes to wear.. gotta repeat my presentation tops again le.. nxt week tutor observation.. sian.. that big bear kept bluffing us sia.. told us this week.. n the end never..

thoughts by pple like me who has alot of free time.

raining day=gd day

slept early ytd night, woke up early this morning..

slping enuff + waking up early = gd mood

the tired feeling is gone, and the ache is much much better..

realised how easily affected i am.. by outside influences..

being annoyed, frustrated, irritated, fed up, pissed and so on, plus showing my emotions thru body language and facial expressions have become so natural that i no longer hesitate in doing so.

i know that i am rude by showing what i feel.. but if i cant even show what i'm feeling, den why are we given expressions? to hide?

nowadays, i cant even try hard to be considerate.. i need more of patience and tolerance.

when i dun feel happy, i dun go ard smiling and act as though everything is going on fine. nor do i try to engage in conversation and all when i'm not exactly in the chatty mood. until the point whereby i think that others are immune to my negative mood expressions that they juz dun give a damn abt me. coz they're too used to it anyway..

i'm the black face jun. that's me.. sometimes, being expressionless and emotionless doesnt mean that i'm angry, or pissed. i'm either too tired to even give an expression, or i cant be bothered to. last time, jeff also told me that when i dun smile, i look as though the whole world is against me or that i'm angry.. but i'm not.. coz i think that when i dun deliberately want to express a certain emotion, all my facial mucles are relaxed, hence the "black face" look. dun be too quick to judge ya.

slacking my weekend away, as usual.. everyone seems to be very busy with their schedules, rushing projects, meeting deadlines, working and all. and i'm still the same old me, relaxing, doing work when needed, leaving things till i feel like doing them. i reflect on my life, and i feel pathetic. there are pple out there struggling to survive, fighting with death, striving for excellence, slogging for money for survival. in comparison, i'm like a worm. juz slacking. like a pig, juz eating and slping. like an idiot. juz stoning.

i dunno wat i want in life. juz go with the flow. no aims, no goals, nth. looking at my clsmates, they have ambitions, mission in life and all.. owning a restaurant, be a bartender, reaching certain target they set for themselves. and i'm at the same spot, waiting, waiting, waiting. waiting for what? i dunno. juz wait and see. very laid back approach.

i'm no longer in sec school. even goals i set for myself seems out of reach, and sometimes, dreams seem diffused. everything is in a blur. i'm confused and lost. i can no longer set a target and reach out for it. times are changing so fast and the same goes for my goals. my indecisive nature quicken the process of being uncertain in what i want. in sec sch, i can have simple targets like going to a polytechnic and getting gd results for my Os. now, even simple goals seem so hard to achieve. y is this so? izzit bcoz i'm in a diff education system? or izzit that time has changed? or izzit me? juz me?

i dun like to be an aimless person. but what's the use of setting goals when i obviously cant set my mind on working towards them? i feel as if i'm juz drifting in and out of slp. in and out of my conscious and subconscious mind. juz waking up to do routine stuff and getting back into bed, till the nxt day where i repeat what's going to happen.

and y am i complaining of my monotonous life? y? i shld be happy that nth too drastic happens and leave me stranded, at a lost as to what to do. i shld be contented and not take for granted all that i have and built up. but this is one of the days whereby the environment i am in sets me thinking, allows me to have alot of these thoughts. thoughts that busy pple most prob wont be thinking of. thoughts that most of u would dismiss as useless and biased. but somehow, the calming effect of the rain always managed to stir up my thoughts on these opinions, views, judgements, midsets and all. i couldnt explain y. but it is so.

sat after training..

back from training.. tired, as usual..

think i overstretched my right shoulder muscle during bow exercise.. it hurts when i try to pull and the strain is horrible.. in addition, the bow kept slipping off my hand, then had to "put down" immediately, arbo the bow will hit me.. and that JK still asked me if doing half of the training is one of my motives for standing at the back..

again, the TP CHINA soccer players came, and played on the field.. from time to time, we got to go and ask them to get off the field.. so amny of them, so few of us.. and they DUN UNDERSTAND ENGLISH!! ask them to get off the field or play after the cricket net so many times.. they disrupted the training until i fed up..

when we started keeping the range, they started swarming out onto the field and began playing.. we're not done yet lor.. during warm down, their ball rolled over and the whole grp started running towards our direction.. and one of them almost hit me.. luckily i siam fast enuff.. arbo sure bang into me de.. by then, my face damn black le.. damn frustrated and irritated..

after team talk and debrief, i went straight back home.. couldnt stand it.. half of tembusu filled with china and myamar student, blabbering and shouting in foreign languages.. headache.. at the bus stop oso not any better.. so many pple sitting on the pavement, waiting for 518.. the trip home sux too.. waited so damn long for all my buses.. and all of them filled, with pple.. and they gave me the ur-bag-so-big-y-are-u-squeezing-public-transportation-with-us-look.. damn.. when i finally found a seat, i placed my long bag vertically and fell asleep.. all the way till the stop where i'm supposed to alight..

darn tired.. damn tired, super tired.. tired plus body aching.. later ask my youngest sis to massage my back for me..

middle of the night!

remember this quote from mother theresa, since some teacher told me in secondary sch. sth like this:

[Give until it hurts, until you feel the pain.] then that is giving..

the example and quote i'll remember for life.. a comparison between a rich and a poor person.. the poor person earns like maybe $20 a day and yet he gave $10 to charity, leaving juz enuff for his expenses.. another rich multimillionaire, gave the same $10.. in contrast, the poorer one is really showing/ displaying the spirit of giving..

like i say, it's an example.. change the figures abit, the underlying meaning is still there..

the 9 pm channel 8 show "hai you ming tian" has an unexplained impact on me.. it makes me wanna give more to the society, help those who really needed help.. it's not like those stupid nonsense and unmeaningful tcs shows that is full of romance and quarrels.. this show makes pple think and wanna do their part for those less fortunate, at least to me that's the case..

giving till it hurts.. giving till it hurts.. till i feel the pinch.. that's really meanigful.. maybe to some pple, that's crap.. juz some way to so call "cheat" pple of their money by donating.. budden.. it somehow has that impact on me.. i dunno y.. it's juz a show.. juz another of the mediacorp shows.. y am i so affected? and it's not like i watched every episode.. i missed the whole of season 1.. it makes me want to help them, want to know them, want to lessen their pain, want to share their sorrows, want to make them happy, want to improve their lives..

and i ask myself this very simple qn: "am i able to do it?" and i know the answer.

i couldnt explain y out of so many things the teachers told me in high sch, the thing i remember clearest is this. not any of the sciences, not english, not SS, not chinese, not maths and certainly not geog.. y this? i ask myself..

when i read the newspapers sometimes and happened to see an article regarding pple needing money to help their family member raise medical fees, i often wonder.. how many kind souls actually did, or helped in some way.. and does the doctors and nurses ever donated part of their salary to the fund to help these needy pple?

and sometimes, i wonder y god is so unfair.. there're pple who're born healthy but die young.. yet he gave life to those unfortunate ones who're born handicapped or sickly, yet make them suffer for years.. y is that so? y is this so unfair? y there can never be equality for all mankind? y muz the world be classifies into diff categories like 1st world and 3rd world countries? y muz some pple be looked down upon whereas others muz be treated wif due respect? y is this so?!!

u know.. we often hear pple say that kids are juz so full of life.. suddenly, i got the urge to bring them to the hospital and take a good look at those kids fighting hard juz to live.. and those who're diagnosed with some terminal illness and all they can do is to wait for death.. and the look on their families' faces.. and the atmosphere and all..

when can i ever do my part as a being in this world to help those that needs assistance? and how can i contribute to making the lives of others better? i know that contributing to the nation is impt, but yet again, contributing to mankind surpass all things doesn it? oh well, the SJAB motto pops up :service to mankind.. how many of us are actually able to do it? how many mother theresas are there in the world? how many of those pple are out there doing all that they can in order to restore hope in those pple who's given up long ago? and how many of us are sitting ard, living our own lives and not giving a damn abt others, thinking that we're already very unfortunate and shld let those "more fortunate" aka richer pple help? and how many of us are juz like me, thinking and pondering.. but actions speak louder than words.. that we all know.. but who's taking the initiative to actually take the 1st step in "beautifying" the ugly world?

this sets me thinking abt the pass-it-on campaign.. the bring it forward deed thingy.. how many of us "commoners" are actually actively practising it? how much money have they spent on advertising? and y cant they juz donate them for better cause? we all KNOW that we muz do gd deeds.. but how many of us actually cares abt it?

a gd deed is done when u're not consciously aware of it. it is an instinct.. and how to instill instinct in us? it's definitely not by advertising. it doesnt help.. coz i'm not convinced.. if we deliberately do sth nice for others so that we can fell gd abt doing it, then i think the whole thing loses it's purpose..

omg~ it's getting late.. gotta turn in liao.. shall blog another day, provided if i got more crap stuff to write..

thursday, formal day.

biz suit today!! shini commented that my shoes are nice.. =) happy!! and pants suit is defiitely more comfortable.. haha.. they say that the pants also nice.. hehe.. love it!

was thinking abt stuff when Mr Nair told us that when we wear biz suits, we all tend to be more self conscious den usual.. and he gave some examples:

1) u wont be slouching in ur chair during lessons
2) transportation: MRT and bus.. u'll want to stand instead of seat, coz scared ltr jacket got crease, pants or skirts dirty or what..

and i realised it's true, although point 2 aint exactly the case.. i'd rather sit down, but i'll be extra careful, like make sure the seat is clean b4 sittig down, and subconsciously, i'll be trying to "look" better.. walking properly, straight, sitting nicely and all.. didnt notice it in the past.. until he said it.. really.. den with makeup, i'll try not to touch my face with my hands, or rest my chin on my hand.. and the shoes make it impossible to walk big steps.. haha..

after cls, someone asked if she could wear the kinda top i wore today coz in one of the powerpoint slides, he mentioned abt shirts and all, what we muz take note.. den he said "muz look neat lah, like this.." referring to me.. yeah.. happy again.. thot i looked quite presentable today.. not that messy like last week.. lolx..

come to realise that she is actually quite alright.. easy to get along with.. so all those rumours i set aside.. my mistake.. nvm.. now that i know, i'll adjust my mindset.. finetune my perceptions and erase some of my assumptions..

thank you to all those who taught me accounting today!! especially to huihui, nixon and joy.. haha.. actually i'm quite dumb sia.. they all dunno i got a blog.. lolx.. but nvm.. i happy jiu hao.. lolx..

oh ya.. FINALLY saw mark today.. haha.. was waiting for tina they all when he walked past.. call so many times u still didnt see me sia.. mark.. u seriously need another pair of glasses!! arbo go make contacts!! =P

tuesday

been taking 72 with tina and eve after lecs these for the past 2 weeks.. it started on that super great day when we 38 all the way.. haha.. now i'm half of their 72-mate..

had marketing tut today and guess what? yeah.. PBL as usual.. den the FILA concept, den divide wkload.. after cls, was discussing abt finding info.. wah.. didnt know he's so kiasu one.. borrowed 6 books sia.. i was asking abt researching info online.. and he gave tt "what!" look.. ask me to "pls search from a reliable source.. best if u could find frm books in the library.."

wah.. 1st time project grpmates tell me what to do and where to find info sia.. as if i dunno find frm library better.. coz internet alot of junk info.. budden, most of the books are being borrowed!! coz pple all dun want to lose mah.. sianz.. in the end, i photocopied some stuff frm that only hospi marketing book in red spot.. really didnt get it.. internet is also a resource and i think that sometimes, online info can be as gd as, if not better than library books.. excluding the relevance of the search materials, i think that online, with searcg engines, i'm able to find info much faster, coz i can search for key words.. not like books, all manual work.. and oh ya.. forgotten 1 impt thing.. given that i always search for IRrelevant info, i think internet is a better alternative.. so i wont borrow the wrong book or sth..

anyway, was toking to hui squared and the director wants to see her tml..think for the sat awards thingy.. was asking her how many Zs she got for last sem.. she got 2 only!1 and i continue to ask for the 1st sem results.. guess what? 4 Zs ONLY!! so altogether she ONLY got 6Zs.. distinctions sia.. den the rest all As and Bs.. NO C.. she was still sorta complaining that she only got distinctions for abt 50% of the subjects.. sian sia.. i hear liao i zi tao lao diao.. haha.. furthermore, she was asking me abt the awards.. y no money de.. lolx..

sian sia.. juz realised that i've a learning log, notes to read and quiz for culi sci to be done this week, den my thurs tut still haven do yet, notes haven transfer yet, fri tut observation thingy haven plan yet, haven do any research yet and all.. how to ccok lidat!! i dunno how to make sauces for main course.. neither do i now how to conjure appetizers out of nowhere.. everything muz be done from scratch.. sianz.. double sian.. and the chicken dunno muz wrap wat thingy.. and seriously, i cant rem the steps from the short demo.. oh ya.. and heard frm tina that we cant copy wat the chefs did for their demos.. wah.. sianz..

den the thot of wearing court shoes for bus etiquette tml already makes me feel as if my feet hurts.. think i muz get out of the i-cant-and-dun-like-to-wear-heels-mindset.. now muz change to the heels-are-part-of-my-dresscode kinda thing.. fighty adapt to the feeling of putting strain on the feet and legs, which is damn bad in the long run.. but who cares.. i MUST be comfy wearing those killer things NOW.. next time next time den say.. haah..

test result

i did this test last sem.. take a look..

What do your responses tell us?
Although your scores were generally quite good, you scored well outside the normal range in at least one category. This suggests that you should probably consult with a mental health professional for further testing or treatment. There is most certainly a professional out there who can help improve the symptoms you are experiencing.
The following are the areas of concern detected by the screening:
· You have suffered from what appears to be a brief psychotic episode. This could be a product of many different disorders, both mental and physical. See a psychiatrist for further diagnosis.
· You appear to suffer from obsessional thoughts.
The test also detected symptoms of one or more disorders that did not meet all the criteria, but that may still merit treatment.
The following are the areas of concern detected by the screening:
· You have experienced symptoms of a major depressive episode, but not enough to qualify as a full-blown episode, or as major depressive disorder.
· You have experienced symptoms of a manic episode. (huh?)
· Although you meet the criteria for the frequency of symptoms, your symptoms do not appear to be severe enough to meet the criteria for Bipolar disorder.
· You experience some symptoms of Simple Phobia. (what's that? dun tell me there's a complicated phobia or what..)
· You experience some symptoms of Social Phobia. (phobia again? wat that makes me? a person who views mankind as monsters?)
· You experience some symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. (hey.. i learnt this in psycho b4.. but cannot rem what it is.. )
· You experience some symptoms of Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia. (wth!!)
· You appear to suffer from some symptoms of Borderline Personality disorder. (me? a prob with what? borderline personality what?!! never hear b4.. muz be some funny names the website creates juz to entertain pple like me.. haha..)


i didnt know i'm suffering from so many phobias, most of which i didnt even know exist!! and yeah.. maybe i do need therapy or sth?

lalala

150+ came over to my hosue ytd and we had fun making earrings and necklaces..

they called at abt 7+. when i juz came back frm training.. yiping was telling me that they were feeling bored so they decided to buy materials and DIY personalised things.. haha.. had fun doing that, although i admit that i'm so totally not cut out for those arty things..

spent like 2 hrs crapping and doing, with the frequent "oops.. drop again.. pass me the plier, where is this and where is that..."

the outcome is alright.. it's like those usual beads earrings i get from shops.. but it's the sense of achievement.. feels gd.. haha.. it's even more fun than baking coz there's no need to wash up after everything and things wont be broken accidentally, the floor wont be greasy, and less things to pack up definitely..

BL gotta leave earlier coz GW called and he's waiting for her.. so QY and YP stayed on for awhile more.. in the end we had a laughing session.. saw this stack of photos in a paperbag.. my sis took it out to rearrange i suppose.. den they were looking thru them and came across this photo of my bro which he looked absolutely hilarious.. the hair and facial expression.. was laughing our heads off.. after that, i brought out some albums for them to see.. most of the time, we laughed at my bro.. abit stupid lah.. but fun..

BL commented that my family is very loving.. and i agree.. although we have the usual quarrels, arguments, flare-ups and all, much more than other families coz they are so many of us, we're still quite close.. was listening to the FM a few days back and the DJ was toking abt children not communicating with parents and that all they say to one another was "i'm back" "how's sch" "go bathe" and the usual school thingy.. but i realised that i chat to my mom.. tell her things when i'm feeling angry over sth, or when i'm super crappy, or when i'm very happy.. i did talk, and when i start, i cant stop.. haha.. until the point whereby she'll complain that i tok too fast and too much.. hehe..

maybe i've taken all these for granted.. coz to me it's juz so natural that my family is like that.. i wont trade anything to exchange this family of mine.. it's a big family, a noisy one, a loud one, a quarrelsome one.. but it's also a happy one, a sharing one, a contented one and a loving one.. i'm glad i've so many siblings snatching things with me.. food actually taste nicer when more pple are there.. happiness actually grows when i share it with them.. juz that sometimes, u feel as if u dun have any privacy, personal space.. but sharing can be so frustrating that i got to hide my chocolates coz if i juz leave it ard, the nxt thing i know, they're gone.. maybe they'll be kind enuff to leave the empty packet for me.. or maybe juz one bite.. lolx...

loving yeah.. it's gd.. and i'm lovin' it..

THE SUNDAY crapTIMES

wahaha.. found one of my last sem's clsmate's blog.. hmm.. interesting huh.. the 1st post i read was abt why his blog posts are so short and why he's such a terrible blogger..

the answer he gave was that he's simple.. he doesnt have depression sessions and that he's always positive.. hmm.. interesting huh.. was reading thru and i wondered if i'm the exact opposite?

coz for one, i've lots and lots of things to blog.. my entries are damn long, and i always managed to find crap to say, or negative thots to include.. so does that mean that i'm a fantastic blogger? lolx.. juz so bcoz i'm not simple? lolx.. we're all not simple.. hey there.. we humans are complex creatures.. when are we ever simple? lolx..

and i dun think i can EVER be ALWAYS positive.. we have to be somewhat in balance.. although we tend to tilt to one side more, either positive or negative.. budden, i cant even imagine someone being always happy, always positve, always feeling gd.. it's juz so.. not right..

maybe coz he hasnt been thru alot? i dunno.. i'm juz assuming.. u see.. if one of ur loved ones passed away, or is in grave danger or sickness, it's natural that u'll feel sad.. dun tell me that u'll look at the positive side of like coz some powerful being is delivering those u love from misery and pain. it's a whole lot of crap..

we're given feelings so that we can experience them, express ourselves, and not that we shld shun from showing those more "negative" ones juz bcoz they're "not gd". i feel that it's the same as "we are never given dreams without the power to make them come true".. we're never given feelings without the chance to experience them in our lifetime.. it's juz a matter of time.. never had the sad feeling? wait till someone u treasure passed away..

life's fair.. i think so.. it's juz god playing with time.. for example, for someone who's been thru alot, lost their family when they were young coz of some tragedy, they'll learn to be independent and all that they've been thru hardened them and they are who they are today.. for those who're fortumate enuff to have pple loving them and all, they'll leanr to be dependent and when those ard them moved on or passed away, they're left feeling lost and all, and they have to start being independent and having more responsibilities than before.. so u see.. if it's not a matter of time, then what is it? i agree, although luck does plays a part, we cannot always count on the heng-suay thingy.. coz all of us get to experience the suayness mah.. even so, most pple cant get out of the pit when the suay hit them.. and those who're heng juz seem to get heng-er.. anyway, it's a whole lot of crap here.. not practising paragraphing again.. coz i sian mah. paragraphing oso lidat.. the words also come out mah.. no diff to me.. that's all from one small thot of mine.. yeah.. almost forgotten why i blog this entry.. toking abt the relationship between short posts and terrible blogger. lolx.. refer to my above crap and u'll know.. bye.

SATURDAY IN TP

went to NE talk today.. woke up super early and as usual, stuck in sch till super late..

went to the library after lunch.. was reading 3 pages of this book and i fell asleep on the comfy chair in level 3.. with soothing music playing the whole time.. woke up and realised tt it's abt time for taining..

hmm.. shot 48 arrows for 1 round.. 8 arrows for one end.. den calculate the total arrows for the highest 6 arrows for each END, the lowest 6, the medium 6 and the total 48 arrows scores.. the difference between my highest total and lowest total was abt 50.. weisoon was 39.. his scores are wow~

his lowest is my highest sia.. 288 or sth lidat.. i also got abt there.. great scores for me i can say.. upon 360 leh.. i used to score abt 170-190 only.. and when i juz started out, i got 55.. lolx.. ken was like telling us that the lowest scores was when we're tired.. so if we're tired, our arrows can only lose like 1 point.. so i got abt 50.. so for me is a balance of abt a drop in 1 or 2 points when i'm tired, which is gd news to me..

a yr 1 came to join our training today.. reminds me of my 1st training.. he quite heng sia.. today's PT still alright although i feel damn tired.. my left hand hurts, the left shoulder feels weak. my right fingers feel sensitive, numb, tender or watever u all call that painful feeling.. the feeling is somewhat like ropeburn.. but it's at the fingers..

ran IN tembusu grove today coz there was thunder.. so the team event cancelled.. the running part still alright for me.. but we gotta do pushups.. 20 times the std pumpings, 20 times the supposingly back muscle hands wider than shoulders, palms facing out position and 10 times of the triangle-diamond thingy.. sianz...

i'd rather do bow exercises and run ard the filed instead of that.. shifted my sight till the extreme right, juz like my ragim.. and still, my arrows fly right.. asked ken and he put a plunger on my bow.. after which, i no need to offset le.. happy..

did 2nd end of scoring, this time each end only 6 arrows instead of 8.. i got 233/360.. considered gd for me liao.. a couple of 2s and 3s.. but more reds and yellows.. so balance out.. this score is 1 point higher than my lowest score for the 48 arrow thingy, which is supposed to be a gauge of the diff in scores when i'm tired and when i'm not.. this score shows that i'm tired le.. coz it's ard the same as wat i got juz now..

they still asked ard who's going to shoot tml at AAS range.. i'm confirm not going.. heard kevin saying that it's not productive if we train so much and get ourselves tired today and yet go down to AAS and train again tml.. it's a waste of time and i agree with that so i aint gonna do it.. for me is worse.. 2 consecutive days already made me dead tired.. one more day den i'm gone.. haha..

as usual, didnt go for dinner with them.. came home straight, bathe and feel clean and nice.. den cut dragon fruit and eat in front of the com.. isnt that nice? sth cold to eat, sth comfortable to sit on, feeling nice and smelling gd, away from the weekend dinner crowd, without my big bag, without contacts, feeling at ease, and ready to fall asleep any moment..

CRAP TOPIC AGAIN.. MIND WANDERS, FURTHER AND FURTHER, INTO A PLACE CALL ETERNITY..

in life, things somehow juz dun go the way we want it to..

mr nair, my APEL teacher, was asking us abt wat we'll want or think when we're on our deathbed or if we know that we're abt to die.. nixon said that he'll asked for 3 wishes, use 2, den wish for another 3 wishes for the last one..

1st thing to come to my mind: i'll regret the things that i've regretted in the past..

i dunno y.. but after tt, these words kept flashing in my thoughts.. i guess it's true that somwtimes, when we regret certain risks that we didnt take, certain decisions we made, certain mindsets and beliefs that we hold fast to, and didnt realise that these made up part of our lives and determine who we are today..

as humans, we often wondered what we'll be NOW IF my decisions in the PAST were different.. and more often den not, we'll tend to be unhappy coz we WANT TO know how it feels like IF we took another path LAST TIME..

but have u ever look at this in a diff light? WHAT IF we took the other way.. will we still be like that? wondering the consequences and results we'll get IF we chose the other choice(sorry.. cant think of any substitute for choice)? YES we will.. coz we humans are funny.. we often wonder abt the things that didnt happen to us, even if what and where we are now is satisfactory to us.. we'll go further and tend to force ourselves into the wat-if-the-other-option-gives-a-better-outcome-den-the-one-i'm-having-now trap??

funny isnt it? because we have never been thru it, that's y we WANT TO try out? or is it becoz we have unlimited wants, therefore even if we somehow met our objectives in life, we still tend to want more and think that something better is definitely out there..??
isnt treasuring the present more impt than anything and everything else?

i dunno.. maybe we are simply unable to fill up the emptiness in us.. maybe there's something in us that's like a pot with a hole in the botton.. that's y it can never be filled.. that's y we can never be satisfied for long.. isnt that so? even when we're basking in happiness, after awhile, we'll tend to look ard us, and come to this ever-standing dunno whether it's true conclusion that others are definitely having a better lfie den us.. haha.. wat a joke.. i'm amazed by human's vast intelligence and limitless stupidity.. why on earth would we be like that?

historically, we humans evolved from apes, and since we have this funny mentality, does the ape family have it too? i'm toking abt the chimpanzes getting jealous over the monkey and the monkey going green with envy over the gorilla.. sth lidat.. or maybe they operate on a diff kinda environment.. maybe the whole grp prefers to be like the elephants? or the hippo? i dunno.. maybe they are.. coz the elephants are made to piggyback kids.. maybe they hate that, and prefers to be captured on camera coz they think that they deserves to be on film coz they're more photogenic den the monkeys.. and maybe the monkeys are bored with the flashlights and having to put their arms over lotsa strangers all day and longed to juz lazed ard in the dirty water like the hippos? where pple most prob shun coz the area is too smelly? so that pple wont come and disrupt their slacking life?

i dunno.. wat a boring day.. taken a nap le.. done half of my work for tml.. dun think will be going to PPCC later.. that'll eman that after lec tml, i have to rush home, den get ready with lightning speed, den somehow "fly" to PPCC.. but nvm.. that's the price to pay for having lessons on wed..