grandpa

woke up at 12 but decided to continue with my dreams.. so went back to slp, and dreaming, till 1.. went to my grandpa's house, coz my mom was telling me that he is sick, and weak..

as usual, he's lying on the bed.. from time to time, i was called by my aunt, uncle and mom to "look after" him.. wat can i do? there's nth much to do there except to sit in the room and literally "look" at him.. and as usual, we exchanged the same few words.. like sch holidays liao, where's my siblings and that's all..

heard from the adults that he nv eat anything for abt a week le.. den dun wanna tk anything, even water.. is so weak that he cant even stand.. so have to sit holding the bar for support, or lie on the bed.. when i asked him whether he had lunch, he replied with "dun hav any appetite, waiting to die.." well, 1st time i hear sth so, well, negative from him.. actually i seldom tok to him and actually getting a response is quite surprising.. he's the very strict kinda grandpa...someone that the whole household respect and dun dare to go against anything that he says or wants us to do.. that's why we've all been affected with a very different kinda upbringing.. when i was young, i even had to ask for permission to open the fridge, and it's a "law" that we cant drink water during meals.. coz there's soup.. and we're nt supposed to tok and chat and enjoy the meal.. nor are we supposed to run abt the house playing.. alot of unwritten rules.. all put into place without anybody saying anything.. juz.. house-rules maybe..

he's nt like my grandpa on my mom's side.. u all call it maternal grandpa? watever~ the other one was more of the fun loving grandpa.. one who dotes on the grandchildren, brings us to the playground, plays with us, laugh with us, no strict rules.. they're TOTAL opposites... we kids used to insist that he piggyback us and brings us shopping, to the arcade, begging him to buy sweets, soft drinks, toys, and watever for us.. therefore the bonds between me and the 2 grandpas are very diff.. one would look after me when i'm sick, talks to me, watch tv with me and what not while the other one will "order" me to switch off the tv.. it's hard not to be bias.. coz i am..

looking at how helpless he is makes me feel very bad.. when i sat beside him in the room, waiting to help him when needed, he suddenly asked me if his feet are turning black.. 1st things 1st, i had to get over my initial shock of him actually speaking to me and asking me a qn outside sch and my siblings.. den the qn he asked was somehow... weird.. it nv occurred to me how old he is now.. coz to me, the "power" he has in the house nv decrease, after so many yrs..

i had to bluff him and say no.. and i divert the topic.. to how dry his skin is.. imagine nt working ur blood vessels much for abt a week.. and together with the old age, slow and inefficient blood flow is normal.. that's when i decided to massage his feet.. juz to try and see if it helps the blood circulation.. couldnt help much coz i dun learn much from st.johns.. juz trying to see whether it works.. so i juz kneel there beside his bed while he lie there, looking so helpless, and massage his feet.. for more den half an hr.. my cousin walked in and helped too, asking if i really know how to do it.. duh~ if i know, i would be doing it long b4 today.. coz my grandpa got weak legs..

while massaging, he reminded me to wash my hands later.. to say frankly, this is the 1st time i remember him saying sth with the tiniest bit of concern.. i did that till he fell asleep and my cousin walked in again and asked me to leave the room and let him sleep.. it is only after tt that i found out that he couldnt really slp these few days.. juz lying or sitting there..

as expected, he skipped dinner.. 1st time nt having dinner with him in the house makes it weird.. although with or without him, it's no diff, coz we cant chat while having our meals, it's still feels funny.. like he hasnt had his dinner and i already ate.. my aunt and uncle was trying to persuade him to allow them to call the doctor up but well, he refused.. like my late grandma, he is afraid that the doctor would send him to the hospital and i think, the thought of dying on a hospital bed instead of home is a strong enuff fear to deter medical help.. as usual, we cant do anything abt it.. but i went down to buy those glucose thingy and he drank 1 small cup.. at least that's better den nth..

am feeling guilty.. coz for yrs, i've always like the other grandpa more den him.. even though the other grandpa tells me that he's waiting to die every now and den, it's a diff story altogether coz he tells me in a jokingly manner.. and i always "nag" at him, jokingly too.. this one is diff.. i can sense that he's slowing losing hope.. and life slowly seeping away.. even the air in the room feels different.. more still.. this is the 1st time in yrs that i voluntarily keep going back into his room and check, pop in to see if he's alright, need any help or what.. 1st time i aint tired of staying in the room with nth to do..

i dun like it i dun like it and i dun like it.. juz tk away my eyes.. anyway, now, 12 or 14 doesnt seem to matter anymore.. some qns have to be left unanswered.. they're juz not meant to be.. ...