Many times, happiness just takes a different form.

The reason why we couldn't see or feel it is not just because it is intangible.

Rather, we keep measuring it against the first form of happiness that we know.

This is to the extent that we forgotten that there are other forms and kinds present.

We overlooked them yet we claim that they were never there in the first place.

We close them out because we lock ourselves in.

sat times

i received the sms result at 1.30 AM!! it's so freaking irritating so EARLY in the morning..

i dunno wat's wrong with me. perception error or what. and i thought i did horribly for that subject.
and damn food hygiene. i thought i'll score. i didnt... lolx.. maybe i dun hav common sense.. watever~

and lucky me didnt get a D+ for jap.. and i got such a strong feeling that i was right about that.

to tell the truth, i felt as if i was waiting for the judge's verdit ytd when shini asked abt my results in the afternoon.. (she got hers very early)

anyway, thinking abt the D+ reminds me of love at dolphine bay at 1930 on channel U. and that stupid show reminds me of the stupid useless vcd cover that sparked off a series of unfortunate events..

really couldnt understand why local productions involve such vast amount of manpower yet they cant even compete with foreign shows that uses the same few characters.. s'pore shows really CMI. but they NEED our support. overseas drama series from HK, Taiwan, korean etc.. they HAVE our support. that's the difference.

and s'poreans are getting more paranoia by the day as drama series revolves ard issues that the govt is focusing on.. politically positive but i hate it.

this 9 pm show (live on) is abt doing health checkups, abt diabetes, dialysis, cancer etc.. HEALTH ISSUES..

a few months ago, the 9 pm show goes on and on about making a will before you die, if not the negatvive consequences and immense impact on the pple ard u..

yet agian, the show (hai you ming tian 1&2) talked about those poor children with various health problems, defects, illness and need love, care and concern from the society.

then, i remember clearly about ANOTHER 9 pm show (1/2 yuan fen starring nadia, ruien and jacelyn). that is about promoting marriage. how to overlook faults, accommodating to each other, living together, getting help from various sources aka modern matchmaking services, and of course, BABIES. besides these issues, the show also incorporates this important element of promoting VOLUNTEERISM!! see how clever the production crew is!

and last year, there's this seemingly cheena show called (30 feng yu lu)... i didnt watch all the episodes, but i remember it to be seeking help when needed, sth about depression. yah.. and THAT is about the time they started off with the depression campaign. seeking help arbo u'll affect those ard you.. and if i'm nt wrong, that show also talks about drugs, autistic children and what not..

and this reminds me.. it looks like jack neo isnt who he is today if not for the govt huh... he owes his success to the need of the govt to "EDUCATE" the public.

and i'm so freaking irritated coz the whole aim of tv entertainment & relaxation is actually a tool of propaganda thru media. and i thought we have freedom and rights.

maybe that's why channel U is a threat before the merger. shows about heaven, earth, hell and the dimension in between aint really a gd source of entertainment for s'poreans in the eyes of the govt.. to them, it's useless. maybe that explains why my sis loves that show that time huh...

anyway, shant say much. i'm tired.

does this pic reminds u of wishing stairs?  

流逝与消失的时间

消失是在不觉察之间, 毫无知觉之中产生的.

虽然实际上, 时间无法消失, 但人会老去; 时间原地踏步, 变动的只是我们.

城市里的人, 一直与时间在赛跑, 却又一直活在时间之处.

流逝于消失之间, 流逝成了一种奢侈的心态.

-i weekly-

2 more discs to the end of the korean cinderella drama..

i wonder if i even watched 28 discs at the rate i'm forwarding the show..

it's way too draggy.. 1st time i've seen such a simple plot yet they drag and drag.. they not sian i also sian le.. 40 long episodes... stupid.

i skip so much i dun care about what is happening.. i only want to know how the storyline goes.. but well, i already know the ending.. watched it during the exam period.. but well, see how those sadistic scriptwriters end the story. why always leukemia? why not other diseses? why must someone always die? cursed life of the koreans.. maybe that's why korean shows are mostly touching and tear-inducing.. coz they are "made" to suffer, to go thru immense pain and sorrow. to undergo seperation from their loved ones... but 1 very good tactic they use in every show.. the bad ones always end up being good inside.. towards the end of the show, u cant help but pity them. so the show ends with mostly the person whom u were cursing and hating at first seeming like the victim of the show drama. and someone always die in the end isnt that so?

someone always get a taste of heaven in the end. the good is dead, the bad died.

what's more to a show?

why no one named their child Jesus?

i see CHRISTine, CHRISTina, CHRISTopher and so on.. but why not Jesus?

i'm grateful for the ability to express myself.

thankful that humans have emotions..

and i'm lucky that it's the holidays..

以眼看世界, 用心体会, 借文字表达存在.



paradox of life:
so much to do,yet so little time.

No fire will burn forever:
If passion is the fire,

then interest is the fuel and

discipline is the spark.

~心血来潮~

华人真奇怪。
相信轮会, 却又注重扫墓。
清明也许是一个集体哀悼日吧~!
但又或者是个家庭聚会, 还有可能也是个对现代人而言新鲜,异样,有趣,及特别的活动吧。

写这些感触的那一天 - 下雨了。

其实，今天也已经下了大半天的雨了。这种天气最好是能待在家, 窝在被里。要不然，在咖啡座喝着浓浓的咖啡也不错。印象当中，好像每逢到了清明时份，都是细雨纷飞的时候。

这种天气不仅让我想起了这首’诗’:

[清明时节雨纷纷
路上行人欲断魂
借问汉堡何处有
牧童遥指麦当劳]

这是小二时一位同班同学写的。该有十年了吧。想想看其实该用的不是牧童而是保安或阿嬷吧。必竟在坟场和 columbarium 都有保安。阿嬷嘛, 还记得 “带你出来真麻烦, 你只喜欢麦当劳” 这句话吧。~哈哈~

想必不用三思而后“言”是小孩的专利吧。。。

--------------------------------------------------------

回忆似没上锁的宝厢,搁在心里。有时真的能摆放很久,有时却让人三不五时把那宝物反反复复拿出来细心欣赏,一而在再而三的迷失在记忆里。钥匙呢?

要不丢了,要不早把它遗失在哪儿个“秘密基地” 。

想必你看到这里,读得好厌烦吧。就此停“笔”。。。

(来点掌声怎么样?) 谢谢~!

shld i be afraid, or shld i be feared?

Wilbur isnt back yet. the pigsy is off on a holiday trip with Charlotte and i'm here to take over, for the time being.

been arranging memories recently.

that's why i absolutely loathe study week.

i cant watch tv in peace, cant listen to the radio in peace, cant slack in peace, cant even do thingy that i find important in peace. and the culprit is guilt. that stupid useless emotion that shld be eliminated and never seen from the face of this earth again. i sleep at 3 everyday, after watching tv from 7 pm all the way till 3 in the morning.. den wake up at 2 in the afternoon... and i love this feeling of day and night switch.. the worse thing? NO ONE in my family nags at me coz i'm slacking.. that makes the whole guilt thingy worse doesnt it?

spent a long time juz now feeding tortise and fish. that's a long break away from study. and my stupid mind was yelling.. telling me all about survival of the fittest. how funny. bleahz

in the animal kingdom, the only living thing that is not exactly bounded by this rule is human beings. when i mean survival of the fittest, i'm not implying on humans who are sick and bogged down with illness, handicapped or whatsoever. i mean, we AT LEAST have a right to live. but animals? if they're "handicapped", will some organisation come and take charge of its daily needs like food and shelter? will some "society" step in to prevent it from being discriminated and bullied by other members of the "public?" will some "kind souls" initiate a "donation or charity drive" to provide for this weaker and needy "less fortunate?" the answer is NO. a BIG NONO.

maybe u can say we humans have compassion, we have a heart. but dont they?

if they're unable to source for food themselves, they'll die of hunger.
if they're unable to protect itself from harm, they'll die from attacks.
if they're unable to adapt to environmental changes, they're dead.

so, can we question why we're so fortunate? coz humans are the superior beings? coz we've intelligence that cannot be matched by any other? coz we have a mission in life far more noble? coz we're the masters and them the slaves?

U see, we own them coz we WANT them. but before owning them, hav you thought about whether they NEED you or not? will they be happier with species of their own? by possessing them, you are happier. but are they happy? you take away their natural instinct to fend for themselves. and if u're careless, they'll perish, without a doubt. they have NO choice. and without being given a choice, they have no rights. and the degree of comfort they enjoy in life is not by their own efforts, but their owners' love, care, concern, sympathy and whatever u wanna call it and so on...

and without rights, their mere existence is only such that humans can interfere. beginning and ending. the power is in our hands, not theirs. we humans are able to "control" anything from BIG to small. living things- from elephants to amoeba.

and it's scary to know that a million things are under the control of 1 thing. and
me, being part of the 1, am confused.

shld i be afraid, or shld i be feared?

----------------------------------------------------------------

ENOUGH SAID. CHARLOTTE'S BACK WITHOUT WILBUR. I'LL HAVE TO GET OFF. THE LEASE AINT UP YET. SHALL BUZZ OFF NOW!

TILL LATER.

I'm renting out this space.

To Charlotte.

To weave a web...

alone again, naturally

i dragged myself outta bed. not to study, but to enjoy the morning sun.. been quite some time since i last did it. glad i did it again today. i dun mind sacrificing an hr or 2 of my sleep to enjoy the calmness and serenity the morning brings. btw, watching cars speeding by gave me a weird sense of satisfaction, for i am at home doing absolutely nothing and the pple are rushing off to work.

thru the years, it's always been like this. i always find funny things to do nearer the exam period. and i haven started on accounts. the only thing i've done is to READ 4 chapters of POM which i cant even remember. oh well, wat can i say? i still have 5 more days..

back to the topic. i loathe the afternoon scorching sun. but i love the warmth the morning sun provides. it's so reassuring, that tomorrow will definitely be here. it's as if someone is holding u close and telling u not to worry.

went to see my youngest sis. she sleeps like an angel but wakes up full of the devil. haha.. reminds me of me when i'm younger... the orange curtains make her face rosey, and the wind gave the room a light dancing atmosphere. and i sat there like an idiot watching her sleep, thinkin that nothing in the world would be able to give contentment as such.

had breakfast and went back to bed after drying my hair. sometimes i love my bed for being so absolutely cosy and spacious and sometimes i hate it. hate it for tempting me into its arms and giving me the ultimate comfort. just like that, i drifted off to dreamland for a 4 hour journey.

i woke up to find my sisters going out. within 10 mins, the house is empty other than a lone soul. me, alone at home again. so what's the use of having a big family when most of the time i'm alone?

if u're reading this entry, go away.

the exams are coming. hence u'll see more of my "nonsensical creations" so to say, juz like the many past entries that i posted whenever i need to use more brain power.

guess it's the reluctance to start on any of my subjects bah.. as usual, i'm now going into the "watch vcds that i haven been watching for some time" phase.. and thoroughly enjoying myself.

a little irritated coz pple are reading my blog, which defeats the purpose of setting up a blog isnt that so? watching the numbers rise is like knowing that people are invading into your privacy yet u cant do anything abt it.. but who says so? i can always post crap like this and let those pple who have too much time on their hands to read, and save others under draft.. hahahahah...

so if u're reading this entry,
1) u are too free. go find sth to do instead of checking on my blog every now and then.
2) u have no life, juz like me. so u find this "place" a great outlet to waste time.
3) U are a KAPO.
4) u want to know more abt my life so that u can improve on yours. (thanks ar.. for ya compliments)
5) u are keeping tabs on me for watever reasons i am not interested to know..
6) u find it a immense joy to know that u know abt me yet i dunno who u are or what u're thinking about. (let me tell u, i dun hav time to bother abt my own life so i couldnt be interested in urs either.)
7) U are really a fren, keeping check to see if i'm sick, injured or dead or not.
8) seeing me not like my usual self is a source of comfort to u coz that juz means that u're better off than i am.
9) watever that's on ur mind right now..
10) MY BLOG IS SIMPLY TOO GOOD TO BE MISSED!!!

hahahaha.... ditto.. so if u managed to read so far, let me advise u, pls go do other things than take inspirations from other pple's blog abt what they're doing so u can try out k.. be more creative sia. stop going round in circles ar.. find a place to get out!

Ching's day

CHING~!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
may all ya wishes come true.. =)

-------------------------------------

U know, it's amazing how our hearts always detect things faster than our senses.
I spotted a headless chap at the edge of a park,
peering eagerly at the commotion on stage with hidden eyes.
Quickening pace and faking urgency,
i escaped.
Away from the awkward moment of salutation.
For half a second, i almost couldnt believe my eyes.
To think that it's not one of the shabbier times.
But i still fled, from giving myself away.
What a joke. It's all crap. Haha.

------------------------------------

wah.. sometimes the things i say are absolute senseless.
but i still say it anyway. there's no time better than that of blogging.
sorry ching, for putting crap in the same post on ur birthday. seems abit like disrespect sia.. :X
but couldnt help it. was in the mood to crap. :)

btw, time for the daily report. watched HITCH today. i laughed.

left-right-left-right

Marching on the spot
1 cm away from the starting line.
The commander is quiet,
silently waiting for me to
realise that i have to tap once more.
I'm tired. So i dun really know
if i have the energy to
put in that extra effort.

"A Little Chotto"

came up with the nonsense below ytd night, before i went to bed.
Reason: coz i am in no mood to study for the final food hygiene test.
ahem.. here's how the crap goes...

========================================

Go a little further, look a little deeper.
Think a little simpler, save a little trouble.
Surrender a little sooner, embrace a little earlier.
Pop a little anger, cool a little temper.
Patch a little quarrel, smile a little earlier.
Play a little crazier, laugh a little louder.
Speak a little softer, mood a little calmer.
Pick a little flower, live a little happier.
Act a little cuter, seem a little livelier.
Frown a little lesser, turn a little prettier.
Night a little darker, stars a little brighter.
Study a little harder, work a little smarter.
Be a little slacker, indulge a little longer.
Say a little prayer, smooth a little terror.
Dish a little washer, waste a little water.
I'm a little crapper, stop this little bother!

=================================

This is what struck me on a boring night.
Came up with this "A Little Chotto" thingy to live my life by.
was writing with my bedside lamp halfasleep and unknowingly i wrote the dishwasher part down.. although that's crap, i love it all the same.

that's it. From me, to you. =)

"There's no such thing!" she screamed,
refusing to believe what's right smack in her face.
Others shook their heads and left, 2 by 2,
giving up on those who needs more time.
They're just scared, to acknowledge the difference.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

More please, in that mental state.
Before you go, give me a stage.
I want to hear the endless echoing of the encoring.
Then, let ice take over the entire hall.
Cast a spell so nothing thaws.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_--_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

watever~

capped dope

patiently waiting for the 9 o'clock show.. and i'm only at slide number 13 of my food hygiene notes.. alot more to go. slept till 8.. wahahah.. coz of my sis.. told her to wake me up at 6.. in the end she accompany me... when i woke up at 8, i found her in her bed.. haha..

after dinner and some junk food, i'm ready.... to watch a show.. haha.. nt in the mood to study.. anyway, i dun think food hygiene got much to study coz it's all common sense right?

wasnt in the right state of mind today. i've been thru so many presentations yet i'm still SO nervous during presentation. wat's wrong with me? i also dunno..

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

enclosed in the capped head,
in close proximity to memories,
i ran.
away from acknowledgement,
away from bemused thoughts
and struggling sentiments.
away from the hustle and bustle of wat's inside.
towards the seclusion of stillness,
hoping to stay composed
but within it's as clear as anything.
disheveled-ness took over.
wat's inside became wat's outside.
it's as loud as twenty drums playing at the same time.
disturbing, too eye-catching and the thumping..
no wonder blood circulation seemed so highly sophisticated today.
like a boomerang with sharp edges,
it always return to whom who throws it.
leaving only self indulgence in all the wrong things..

ya. blogging again

thanks ar peijun,

for granting urself a free weekend pass to nowhere taking the train of desserts which runs on a backway track. and the stupid bus conductor is an irritating bugger who keeps reminding me that night is falling and a storm is brewing so i got to prepare.

with my lousy character, i ask the conductor to buzz off. indeed, i sense trouble but my watever personality is so dominant that i couldnt even be bothered to check if the windows are working or there are enough blankets to keep out the cold.

the worse news? i forget to buy insurance!

that's some luck!!

watever... long entry. juz skip. wait for the nxt day's post bah. juz some usual grumbles, complaints and wat not...

i used to be patient
i used to be kind
i used to be tolerance
i used to care.

now,
i'm irritable
i'm easily angered
i'm impatient
i'm rude
i'm self-centered
.
.
.

.
.
.

the list goes on and on and on and... ... ... ...

finally POM done... wat's the big deal? the difference between the grp with the highest mark and the lowest mark is 0.5... i knew his marking patterns frm last sem and it didnt bother me.. and if reassurance didnt help, den i think i shld've kept my mouth shut.

as usual, training is my negativity dump. watever.. i can imagine my arrows OUT of the board, 30m.. OUT, way UP... and i simply couldnt understand why the rest of them could hold, peservere, aim, try their best, and go for it. i cant.

always lose control. but it doesnt matter. it's no big deal. i've learn to deal with that feeling of absolute hopelessness. doesn feel gd of course, but that M&Ms help..

tt time i wondered if i have an inferiority complex. now it doesnt seem so. i'm juz inferior.

and, tt short chat wif karene is gd.

we're all looking for short-term happiness. i mean we all want happiness to stay long term but bcoz we know it's impossible, we try to satisfy that desire to be cheerful, to be contented, all these made possible with materialistic posessions. but the thrill of ownership is short-lived. we aim to accumulate these wants so that they can fulfil our ultimate need. and that is, happiness. everything we want. yes, even lasting happy relationships. they are all but temporary.

i know some of u muz be shaking ur heads and thinking "why si this idiot talking crap? happiness matters nt forever but in that moment.." i know it's the "point-in-time" that matters but who doesnt want to be immersed in happiness and indulge in that "out-of-the-world" feeling for a longer period of time?

we want to keep sadness, hurt and negativities at bay but can u do so 24/7?? i doubt so. there'll be a time and place where u let go and juz collasp. or, find an outlet or 2. like her, one of my major outlets is my family. they always get the nonsense and what not. i've said this once and i'm saying it again. i couldnt help it if in this part of my jounrney in life, the need for an outlet exceeds the level of passion i have for this cca. read in the yahoo post. this junior. he claims that he loves archery and would get everything sorted out BUT he has something on so will be missing a FEW more trainings. by then, exams are here and he'll miss more trainings. skipping trainings doesnt matter but what makes me "a little" irritated is that someone claims that he loves something but doesnt have the time to do it. so what is passion WITHOUT discipline? tell me?

pple see archery as a cool sport. i see it as a comfortable outlet to do what i want, regardless of other pple. sometimes i can feel that my attitude irritates them but hello, i cant even control myself. if i could, i wont be there "showing attitude", so to say. and isnt that gd, i feel comfortable enuff to show how i feel and nt hide in one of the masks full of false pretenses..

aiya.. watever.. recently i dunno wat i'm saying or doing. i dunno why i'm explaining. i dun need to explain, but i did. my mind is outta control...

and, do i REALLY look very tired? pple have been commenting yet again that i'm looking very tired. i am.

making assumptions

an example:

You are walking in the mall, and you see a person you like.
That person turns to you and smiles, and then walks away.
You can make a lot of assumptions just because of this one experience.
With these assumptions you can create a whole fantasy.
And you really want to believe this fantasy and make it real.
A whole dream begins to form just from your assumptions,
and you can believe, "Oh, this person really likes me."
In your mind a whole relationship begins from that.
Maybe you even get married in this fantasyland.
But the fantasy is in your mind, in your personal dream.

======================================

The above is what i wanna share.. We only see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear. We dont perceive things the way they are. We have the habit of dreaming with no basis in reality. We literally dream things up in our imaginations.
Because we dont understand something, we make an assumption about the meaning, and when the truth comes out, the bubble of our dream pops and we find out it was not what we thought it was at all.

That is why whenever we make assumptions, we're asking for problems. We make an assumption, we misunderstand, we take it personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing.

...dreams...

dreams.. do they reflect what's been constantly hanging in our subconscious mind?

i read somewhere, that we only have dreams when we're tired and that when we dream, we wont be able to have quality rest. however, i read also, that we dream anywhere, any time of the day and that dreams merely refect what's been in our thoughts, regardless we notice it or not.

so, tell me. which is correct?

sometimes dreams make no sense. other times they are disturbing... if so, they occupy our waking thoughts and maybe that's what makes us more tired.. i dunno..

what scares me is that the dreams truly reflect what's hidden in my mind. if it's true..... i dun even wanna think abt it..

time is even more frightening... it seems juz like ytd when i was agonizing over trivial matters like whether to go for CCA in sec sch or not. and it seems like tml that i'll be stepping out to the working world and earning a living. it might not seem so scary if i feel more mature. imagine. a kid going to the real world and contributing to the society, work work and more work...

it's almost as if this kinda things only happened in books. maybe coz i feel like peter pan in neverland. i dun feel as if i've matured. mentality is the same, size abt fatter. that's abt all. but my attitude.. took a turn for the worse. that i can feel. maybe that's the only part of me that've matured bah. i'm still who i used to be minus away the the-world-is-oh-so-wonderful innocence... minus away a bit of the naiveness, a little of patience and tolerance, and add a bit of black magic.

i'm tired. talking to myself on a computer is. guess the com's frequency disrupted mine. tt's all.

The smoke in-between

Everything is a mirror.

The smoke in-between is what keeps us from knowing what we are.

The smoke is the dream.

The mirror is you, the dreamer.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

They say:

Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see...

I think:

It makes no difference whether our eyes are open or not, for even with sight, we are blinded..
Till the fog is removed, then can we truly see.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

This is the place:

[Engels Zimmer]

we live from moment to moment.

i find myself agonising over decisions, plans and all... for such prolonged time that i guess i missed out all the fun. sometime later i realised how much time i wasted over such insignificant issues that i couldnt even laugh at my stupidity. most things are nt a matter of life and death, tt's wat i learnt. but i'm learning the hard way... things that are unimportant.. are they really? or izzit another perception issue?

half an hr ago, i'm irritated. so frustrated that i'm glad blogger didnt want to publishn that entry for me. so i save time deleting it away... now, i'm back to me.

a few more pple are reading my blog, that i know coz the numbers are increasing..

i dun wanna guess. some things are meant to be. sooner or later. that i know.. so now the past is gone. too bad. i guess at THAT point in time i posted things that i actually thought of the consequences of lettign the person i dun wanna see, see. too late pple. too late. it's gone. unless u managed to read thru the hundreds of entries in a short time.. before they're being axed by me. well, that's me, for you.

and i didnt know my jap can be so hopeless.. today i realised.. speaking and writing both cannot.. i thought my language cannot make it.. english and chinese.. to think that jap too.. after watching so many shows... lolx.. but it doesnt matter. i juz want my 4 CUs...

face value

face value..

service line. do we bank on that? really?

if so, are we all hoping that we'll stop slogging after we reach 35? or 40?

this attachment period, i see 4 kinds of pple.

the first kind are those that really know where they want to go and go all out.
the second kind dunno where they're heading so they end up signing the contract with the organisation or company that still offers them a placement when they give up thought of going for interviews or have considered long enuff...
the third kind of pple are fickle minded. they keep changing goals and all, holding on to more placements than necessary, minimising chances for other students to enter the same company.
the last kind are those who wants to go somewhere, but there are some aspect of them that the org will consider not to offer.

i'm nt trying to say which of the 4 is better.

coz in the end, service is all about 1st impression, meeting guest expectations and all. if 1st impression is nt too gd, den....

to think that pple are so shallow. maybe i am too.

watched THE ROSE... unknowingly, i'm caught... stuck.... again..

my aunts and cousins came over to ym house today. 1st visit from other pple.. been snacking and drinking these few days.. so i'm swearing off carlsberg, pineapple tarts and gambling... to think that i set my mind nt to play with luck this year.. but i succumbed to temptations yet again. my aunt ar.. EVERY year she wins.. no matter where she goes, which seat she sits or what she wears.. can say that she's the sole winner... we didnt play very big.. juz 50 cents, $1 and $2.. yet she can win over $30... in a short time... guess that's life bah.. u cant say that this has nth to do with luck.. we cannot NOT believe in luck coz i've been experimenting for years..

finished the book "there's a hole in my sidewalk" ytd night.. i read some of it before, online, somewhere, before my com was hospitalised.. now they're all gone, i'm glad i found the complete version..

maybe it's time to take out my archives... coz i realised the past is gone and i'm left living in the present planning for the future.. part of the reason why i left it there was that i want pple to see how i've changed over time, sometimes even wanting others to believe in the things i believe in so that i can convince myself that i'm nt the only crazy one out there. sometimes i have the need for someone to appreciate all that i've treasured, i want to share. i want more of pple who are like me so that i dun seem so out.. with me.. the funniest thing? i dunno why i'm saying all these..

i guess that the reason why i'm removing the archives is that i dun want others to become me. it's scary... and part of the reason is that i dun want pple who are involved in my past entries to get upset, angry or insulted coz i said sth that they dun want to see or know.. u can say i'm selfish, i'm afraid that others will use my entries as a tool to hurt me, someway or another.. there is noone to protect me except myself... that i've learnt.

i'm still sharing.. juz that now, it's in a different way.. it's an adapted version...

i'm startignt o feel that blogging is scary.. i'm letting too much of myself for others to know.. and i'm lost in losing myself.. someone help?¿ hey pple.. i found this.. to type inverted ?, do this.. (alt 4264) *wink...

V day is coming... the great 14..

saw pple shopping for gifts for their significant other in gift shops (couldnt be that so many pple JUZ NICE have their birthday on V day right?)... but this year, like CNY, the atmosphere is not there.. by right the feeling shld be sth like christmas, with magic in the air.. this year, i can only feel dust in the air..

i guess one of the reasons is being so close to the chinese traditional yearly festival, pple are busy with the preparations and all so V-day, which comes 5 days after the big day, doesnt hav the priority any more.. with pple dressing up to look nice for CNY, Vday is nth.. (at least that's how i feel)..

once again, i'll spend Vday alone.. i think i BETTER spend it alone.. going out with pple will only make it seem like i am so unloved.. lolx.. although that's nt the case..

so for all those pple who feels terrible coz they dun hav a date or they dun hav plans, happy Vday to you.. take this day as an extended holiday. stay at home and slack rather than go out and stand in line with the couples outside restaurants waiting for seats or cinemas packed with lovey dovey opposites... u wont puke i promise, but i cant guarantee u'll glow like all the others outside.. :)

and WHY muz pple give roses on Vday? of all flowers.. WHY ROSES?? dun tell me it's a traditional thingy and dunno what red roses signifies watever everlasting _____.... there are so many types of flowers out there.. find sth more meaningful can?

and i think wat nelson says to esther is so nice.. broken pencil. although it's abit too____...
anyway, happy vday in advanced..

tina invited us over to her house ytd.. had fun i can say.. but feel abit out of place coz her relatives are there and we sort of take up space only.. but her whole family is very friendly.. so alright.. :)

and to think that i told them THAT! okie... they found out that i nv say much abt tt kinda things but then..... stupid shini!!! she still doesnt wanna say if that's true or not.. and when she told me she got pian jian, i sort of... try to find excuses.. haha.. to protect my memories bah..

i'm so glad i got sth to believe in, sth that i believe so strongly in that's enuff to block out other stuff.. and we all agreed shini needs to find that. if nt everything tt kinda thing happen she freak out den will become vulnerable(i think).. so.. ya.

so long nv hav girls' talk le.. but then the topics we discussed are so out from the jay's concert vcd and the dimmed lighting... haha..

that night, i realised.. how childish i am.. i look up to those who are straightforward. for they are the ones who dare to face things.. even those thatt they fear or doesnt like..

and once again i found the similarities in me and tina..

thanks tina, once again, for having us over and making alot of noise at your house.. :)

this is the slackest new year..

watched vcd until 3 in the morning... woke up at 9..

slept twice today.. haha.. once every 5 hr interval.. for abt 2 hrs each time..

watched initial D (again) at my cousin's house.. while i see relatives tt i only get to see once a year or once evry few years... went to 4 places today only.. 2 of my relatives and my grandparents' place...

daniel chin called.. -_-"'

2 and a half years ago le lor.. and he told me he saw char tt day when she went for interview at fullerton.. his attachment is at fullerton.. and he asked if i know stewart and trevor.. -_-"' so i see.. he's in the SJCC committee... asked if i'm going for the lo hei dinner at panpac this sun.. i'm not.. haha... he asked why, coz char going... muz fax in reservation.. i'm lazy. most of ym frens not going.. dun feel like also.. although i'd like to go back to panpac.. for some reason or another..

totally no new year mood... i dun even feel excited.. maybe i've matured, or that noone is in the mood so i'm one of them.. anyway, every year, without fail, i answer the same few qns.. how old i am, where i'm studying at, what course, wat i learn, and so on... or that strangers that i have to greet comment on who i look like(my mom or dad), comparing me to my bro(who is younger but looks older), how i've grown (like pple will shrink) and superficial comments frm adults from one to another praising each other's kids.. how cleaver, how pretty, how mature, how cute, how sensible, how filial, how... and the list goes on.. i mean, it's gd that once in a year we all try very hard to stop ourselves from saying "negative" stuff but aint those things abit too "positive"? to the extent that i feel like a topic that they use to start off their conversation... and that that's my only use... -_-"'

okie.. i admit.. who doesnt like to listen to compliments? but soaking in those "sweet stuff" will only give me wings and diabetes... -_-"'

and i'm so jealous... my aunt's family is in korea now... i want... :(

anyway, happy new year once again... to all..

much more independent.

went to POM makeup lec alone, without even thinking of arranging to meet up with others.

i realised i no longer become aimless when i am alone in school..

only 4 Hospi yr 2 students turn up for the 9 am lec..

realised i am much more decisive nowadays.. still think and analyse things through but i take less time, much lesser time, and make up my mind sooner. i guess i learnt that stress built-up aint healthy.. once i decide, there is no turning back. that's when i learn how to console myself and infuse my mind with positive self-talk.. that helps... to block outside influences...

meiyin told me sth and thinking abt it makes me realise that it's been a loooong time since i last teared. and to me that's bad coz repressed emotions tend to get stronger. when u express it, the intensed feeling is gone, replaced by a lighthearted mood. at least i guess so...

and i'm going crazy with all the remix chinese new year songs.. i dun mind the classic version.. so ask the others shut up.. it's irritating with a SLOW song playing with fast background music... i'm listening to da di hui chun with techno music.. and it's not nice at all.. it's like a clash of era... -_-"'

ladder ups and downs

u know sometimes when we fall, thinking that once we hit constant velocity nothing will accelerate anymore, anything including the hurt, the sadness, the negativities...

and how naive we all are.. didnt we learn in physics that when sth is free-falling and hits constant velocity, although accelaration is zero, the speed is great..

maybe we cant feel it. maybe we're numb to how fast we're slipping that we are unaware of what's happening..that's when we need a wake up call. a wake up call from heaven..

that's when we "think" the gd things start. they get us going, make our day. but in actual fact, we past by so many other "better things" yet we didnt notice them coz we're busy tending to our wounds and pains, our problems and troubles.. it might not be a fantastic thing, situation or person. it can be juz a sudden awareness of nature, of the little angel talking on our shoulder, a little voice inside you communicating.. it can be sth an actor said, sth u noticed on ur way home, sth that caught ur eyes in school.. it can be anything. and it can also be nothing. that's when we just snap out of "lala land.."

when the happy things lift us up, we climb up the happiness ladder. there's only 2 way u can go on the ladder. up or down. u can choose to climb (up or down), and u can also choose to jump off. that's when u give up, free fall until u decided to grab one of the lower steps of the ladder. once in a blue moon, sth gives u a lift up the ladder, saving ur energy from climbing yet brings u to a better view.. that is when u muz take note never to be complacent and wave to the person below. coz when u do that, u'll lose ur balance and fall. when u're in a better position, it's the best time to lend the person below u a helping hand so that he or she can enjoy the gd view with you.

however, not all gd things stay. when u're enjoying the fresher air on top, taking in the beautiful scenery and enjoying the cool breeze, someone overtakes you, and maybe gives u a push down the ladder. other case maybe such that the same thing that brings u up makes u fall. and when that happens, coz u hav more potential energy, u'll fall faster.

life... up and down and up again. there is no way u can stay in one spot forever. sometimes, u have to learn to let go in order to start anew.. sometimes u hav to hold tight and stop urself frm falling, even if that means u'll be hurt badly.. we learn as we go. we learn as we grow. frm mistakes, frm regrets, frm gd and also from the bad. and if sth greater and bigger topples the whole ladder, accept that it's beyond our control. dun blame urself, others or the world. when that happens, be glad that for once, everyone can start at the same point. from square 1.. =)

happy day... lucky, very lucky..

i'll start my sunday by telling you how happy i am...

maybe it has been a long time since i felt this happy?

field trip to Sing expo today. fell asleep during the presentation and woke up when someone woke me up with some qn which i answer "mascara lah.." and went back to slp.. wat's funny is that i couldnt remember what the person was asking.. but i replied that..

went Changi airport for lunch with ede, tina, esther, jo, hui and eve.. was having so much fun in the perfume shop, den the choco shop.. ended up buying chocolates (as usual) as i couldnt resist... temptation got the better of me.. ~.~

after walking out of that sinful shop, i walked into the natural source where i ended up with a hair product... went back to tampines with Jo, tina and hui. accompanied jo shopping at citigems for a present for her mom... glad we looked old enuff that the salespple were so friendly serving us.. we look old today i guess.. haha.. but that's a plus point.. saw some accessories that i adore but well, wat can i say... haha..

1) i dun need them
2) i have more accessories than i wear normally
3) it's not a small amount of money (i'm not that rich aka i'm broke)
4) there are way too many to choose from

and the list goes on......

went shopping with them end up jo took out this skirt and commented that it's very "me." i bought it.. love the pale green one too but that is abit formal.. IF only i got the money......... the few of them were saying that i'm a purple freak.. and lo and behold... the carrier is THAT colour... talk abt coincidence...

went back to TP after tt.. guess i look out of place on a sat evening wearing that outfit in school... handover today... and i got a prezzie... a puma pencil case.. nt too bad.. at least a change from my usual cordory one..

happiness didnt end that soon.. was waiting for the bus when i saw this VW beetle in plastic blue.. yes, that's the only description of the colour that i can best think of.. it looked soo cute from the usual automobiles on the road, so out of place yet so fun.. and it's not the new VW beetle.. it's the old version.. made me smile all the way home.. haha..

alighted from the bus and when i was abt to step into the lift, the lights came on.. talk abt perfect timing.. felt like some big shot waiting for the spotlights before making a grand entrance.. haha... reached home only to find another gd news.. we're having steamboat at my aunt's house for dinner.. yeah....

having steamboat at her house is the best.. plenty of gd food and most of all her super duper airy living room... so eating that is NO sweat. lolx..

and the best part? my aunt said that she want to intro a very nice chocolate to me and went to take it from the fridge.. guess what? ROYCE!!!! and she "invited" me to finish the whole box.. and it's more den 1/3 left.. so i sat there in the windy living room watching tv after steamboat and fruits and enjoying Royce chocos for dessert.. lolx.. ultimate enjoyment..

was in such a gd mood i offer joss sticks to my great-grandparents...lolx...

was in frenster coz my buddies told me to check on this particular 2 pple.. and realized that….. someone got a similar “who you want to meet” as me… was qiao again..

this is what she wrote:
[im searching 4 nobody but somebody.. anybody but everybody..]

and this is mine:
[the someone who is a noone that can be anyone to everyone.. but i ain't want some noone who is everyone to anyone..]

isn’t it oh-too-similar? Like I’ve seen another me.. lolx.. but it’s not the case.. juz happen to be.. same thoughts running thru 2 persons’ minds at diff time.. u call it coincidence, I’d prefer the word “magic.” Or “miracle” or “fate.” Choose 1..

okie.. I grew like at least 2 kg fatter coz of the over-indulgence…. My cousin said I gained 7 kg.. and I was silently praying not to exceed.. haha.. but for now, I couldn’t be bothered.. all I want, is to indulge somemore and soak in this mood..

i signed the contract with meritus mandarin today.. Ms Pearl Lim was kind enough to let me choose the fine-dining restaurant instead of the suggested banquet and she even throw in the observatory lounge as another option.. in the end she arrange 3 weeks fine-dining 1 week observatory lounge as part of my 1 month F&B overview... many thanks to her..

saffron was real good today, i feel.. especially the main course and dessert. and i like the mocktail tranquility...

heard from lisa that someone wrote bad comments and the feedback form states table 43, which is the table we were sitting... damn it... pls lor.. we only submit 1 commentcard and all gd comments k.. today was good.. we crap sooo much i guess jo wont want to eat lunch with us the next time... dunno which bugger did that or who made the mistake.. but abit pissed coz FINALLY i kept the feedback card from eve they all yet other pple sabo... sian 1/2...

went shopping in orchard since i'm in the area... far east was horrible when it is VERY packed... throughout the whole time, shini was giving a black face when huishan was shopping... in the bus, i juz kept to my book. met meihui on my way home and took the same bus.. apparently, she is upset coz she couldnt get the phone she wanna get today.. the model sold out.. and that is the cheapest price she can find... was chatting wif her downstairs my block when i saw my parents... den in the end i went to admire flowers wit them... -_-"'

FINALLY, MEIT done... next, POM..

after much struggling, i've decided.. to take on Meritus Mandarin's offer.. after all, it's an established hotel... and i have nothing to lose.. the hotel is traditional, but i'm pretty much okay with it.. i guess the pressure of seeing pple editing resume, sending resumes, answering calls, scheduling interviews, rushing for interviews before or after lessons and even skipping lessons... is too much for me.. i gave up.. i took on the easiest route.. i took on the "bestest" offer, so they say. leigh told me that since i nv send Ritz, never send conrad, never send four seasons, never send fullerton and so on, the best is meritus and i got it.. shld juz accpet it and dun waste any time.. i got an interview with panpacific on monday 10 am.. but 1 vacancy, so many pple are fighting for it.. i guess the more i think, the more i guess it's not worth my time to go down for the interview.. i think i can survive not seeing those pple for the rest of my life.. after all, i'm only after the experience.. i dunno.. trying to be optimistic here.. pple are telling me i'm fortunate and i kinda agree with them.. so i'll grab opportunities before they pass me by.. learning.. from mistakes... to seek... a better... tomorrow.... :) actually posting entries in a huge big paragraph is nice.. i love the messiness, if there's such a work, and the disorder, and the unorganized thoughts, plus the head-shaking reaction pple get when they see such a BIG paragraph and dun bother to read all.. love it all.. haha..

now all i have to do is to wait for the reply..

and i saw the uniform on the calander.. it sux actually.. but no matter where i choose to go, pple have sth bad to say so i shall leave everything for myself to see and experience before i take in their nonsense.. anyway, we are separate individuals...

captain for the day in saffron. 43 pple very nice.. they were so neglected by me yet they nv complain.. haha.. i almost dropped the teaspoon coz the teapot too hot.. that cursed table AGAIN. i swear i'm never gonna serve coffee OR/AND tea to that seat again. ever.

i dun get it.. that place is air-conditioned yet i was emiting heat. nervous? maybe.. but it's so warm at the area.. maybe it's near to the kitchen that's why.. some CMM pple came for some photoshoot in saffron.. darren, ching's fren still remembers me.. he said hi.. i was pretending that i dunno he was there coz ltr he cannot rem den paiseh..

skipped the guest lecture by that "pple say he shuai emmanuel." watever.. last yr attended his lec.. gers going gogo-gaga over him.. he'll be touching on similar topic as last yr so i skipped.. finally! a lec that i WANT TO skip and skipped.. haha..

went meritus mandarin for interview.. met anthea while crossing the road over to cine.. she told me she signed the contract le..

AND I AM ACCEPTED!! the lady interviewed me for abt an hr.. was soooooooooo "focused" on my personality profile and analysing my behaviour giving comments ever so often.. and advice.. lolx.. she told me that i appear a little uncomfortable so shld take note of my body language for the next few interviews.. told her i want to try Front office, reservation, guest relations, F&B, and even housekeeping... she was like.. u sure?!!! den she told me cannot coz time way tooo short.. in the end i chose 5 months Front office, concentrating mostly at receptioon while having the overview of reservations, business centre and so on.. den 1 month at F&B.. she told me F&B either fine-dining, coffeehouse or banquet.. haha.. i thot i wasnt accepted, coz of my personality profiling.... in the end alright leh.. she told me got pros and cons.. need to take note.. haha.. my eyes got a little tired after maintaining eye contact for so long.. den startng to roam ard the room.. maybe tt's y she said i look a little uncorfortable.. and maybe coz i was leaning a little bit in front coz her voice quite soft.. i WAS uncomfy.. haha.. but overall gd interview experience.. told her i'll get back to her latest by next fri.. haha..............

tml is hangout hotel!!! emily!!! let's see if i hav the same luck...

and ya.. the lady told me somethings are not a matter of life and death so i got to learn to let go.. and i dunno why in the middle of an interview the interviewer will say such things.... but so many pple told me that so it couldnt be wrong right?

time wasnt and isnt on my side

guess sth doesnt want me to post that entry juz now..

NTU-IVP today.

misses, more misses and more misses again...

shot real lousy. comparing my scores at the same grounds a yr ago, i DE-proved by abt 70 marks bah..

no excitement. nothing.

guess i'm a jinx. if only i nv shoot that end against NTU. we might stand a chance for the gold medal match. HahA, Didi and krystle performing well today. 162:175.. only 12.. if i didnt shoot that 3 arrows, we stand a chance.. if only aishah went in my place instead.

the bronze medal match against NUS. they aced and finished the com with a nice 219.. it's upon 270.. about what we used to score when karin was wif us..

i tyco got a medal. again. 6 competitions all by luck i guess. today was the worse. no happy thoughts, no excitement, nothing. prepared to return home empty-handed.. but i carried a little sth else with me. sth heavy.

the scoring rounds i did so badly that it's even worse den during normal trainings.. 30m.. and i missed, again and again.. my mind was blank.. up to a point i felt scared coz of the void. put some music in my head. felt slightly better but den, the sound drained out again. guess i went into the wrong zone.

and to think that today's weather was good. the sun is still out, but not glaring.. plus, it's quite breezy.. dun hav the iritated mood when the hot sun burns me. but i still.... screw up. individual scoring is nothing. i dun feel ashamed, nor guilty. to me it's juz another scoring end. juz like in school. but the team event. i am proud, that they did well, very well. glad for them.

i got a medal. that's an undeniable fact. but i dun recognise it. i dun earn it. i dun deserve it. so it doesnt deserve a place to be with the others of its kind.

1st com i didnt stay for dinner with the team. went home. tired? maybe. i dunno. couldnt sit ard with them and laugh with them talking abt things that i hav no idea about. if i force myself to go, all i'd do is polite conversations and give short replies. it's so unfair. there are so many others in the team that deserves the medal much more than me. and i'm refering to those pple who put in effort and hard work. and even the blind can feel their passion in the sport and the will to do well..

but that person is not me. and i got it. luck. that's the only logical reason i can come up with.

goal setting, setting goals. SMART goals aint any use. it doesnt work on me. maybe i didnt try hard enough?

i finally know what pple meant by dreams. i see their faces light up and glow. but sadly, i didnt see it in me.

saw yiping and lotti at kovan on my way home.. plus jerome and his gf.. reminded me of this:

[Go away~ i have enough friends]

it was till i reached home den i realised how tired and horrible i look today. totally yucks.. but watever.. i care. but i cant do anything abt it.

if the archery pple see this but i dun think they will, i want to say:
congrats to aishah for winning the std cls women and TF for C cls.. and the pple tt won the bronze medals.. altogether 3 teams.. luck surfaced once again. plus the yr ones.. continue with their improvemetn rate and they'll bag the prizes for the next com. all the best to the rest of the team who showed how discipline they are thru the results of their hardwork.. all the best.

next com. when is it? i think that falls during SIP..

heart is drained... wont be on my mind... for forever?

the girl got on innocent. i finished mine a few days ago. how i miss it..

JB.JB.JB

many thnks to Viy and Cherrie, for this wonderful trip that we've been planning for a yr..

i FINALLY met my objective of eating the beef noodles.. the soup darn tasty..

shopping there was fun but i realised i became a bit paranoid after seeing the signs "beware of pickpockets" all over and the reminders from my mom.. i kept checking my bag every now and then.. it's so totally unlike wat i'd do in s'pore. but at least we went on a gd day.. NO CROWDS!! yay!!

i'm so glad i bought the contacts there... 1 whole yr supply at a MUCH lower cost than s'pore.. again, thanks to viy coz she knows the person there.. haha..

after shopping at City Plaza, we took a M'ysia bus and went to another shopping centre.. that place even lesser pple coz weekday afternoon ulu timing... went to coffee beans and slack... as usual... before shopping again..

took a cab down to a place for dinner at RM5.. it's abt the rate when we enter s'pore cabs? haha..

the stingray there v. NICEY... hot.. the sauce very nice also.. haha...

went to viy's fren's saloon to cut hair.. 1st time in my life 2 pple help me blow dry my hair.. the doggie there got a blur face.. haha.. and the golden retriever next door very nice, and obedient..

proceeded to viy's house after tt.. her bro's room damn power.. like some secret hiding place.. haha.. slacked for awhile b4 her fren Leaf came to pick up up to go to SS(still dunno wat it stands for) for supper in her new car.. damn zai lor.. can go wherever u want in ur car.. haha.. the tom yam soup there very special.. the prata-like thingy there also nice.. actually the chrispy one nicer.. haha.. that place very cosy.. dunno how long we sat there sia.. watching golf and tennis and chatting abt ghosts..

Leaf drove us ard that area for awhile and we went back to viy's house.. her room without lights is instant darkness.. even at 10 in the morning.. so cosy i felt as if it's still the wee hrs.. haha.. no wonder she's always late for school!!

went for beef noodles this mornin!!!! finally.. yum yum... went to city square after breakfast.. bought roti boy there.. yum yum again.. then shop ard b4 going to secret recipe for CAKES and soup.. the cheesecake there nicey~ and cheap, compared to s'pore.. haha.. sorry viy ar.. can't help NOT converting.. and i still want to eat the egg!! haha...

came back to s'pore but went causeway point shopping.. the only diff is that causeway point packed... went mos and had "tea." den here i am at my grandpa's house..

it's 2 days of eating and shopping and eating and shopping and eating again! CONTENTED... haha

and i met a salesperson with the same name as me.. haha.. so qiao...

title-less

proj meeting with half the grp. coz only 3 present.

PPCC training. got tired after i cant seem to force my fingers to relax. felt like a zombie with stiff arms.. anyway, as usual, after giving up, i sat down and enjoy bball skills..

saw this very young boy. at most 140. from playing in a BIG grp to one-on-one to alone.

all the while he kept doing the same things over and over again. aiming, shooting, retrieving, defending and all.. never once he sat down to rest. den i think. maybe that's what they call discipline. when the pple ard u gave up and left, u hold fast to ur dreams.

i see the ball bouncing high and losing energy. and i witness the boy fueling the ball with more energy continuously. juz by looking, i can see how tiring it is for the short boy to even throw the ball from a distance. did he give up? no he didnt.

till a point in time, he did the opposite from scoring. and maths came to my mind. it's somewhat like that. u have the question, u have the answer. all u need is to find the means to get to the end...

packed up when PPCC got crowded and "embarked" on the looooooooong journey home.

went to the playground. surprisingly, the coast is clear and no screaming kids about. hence i did something that i never do for quite sometime. the swings... this time round, it's with a diff kinda mood with a diff motive.

the last few times i did it late into the night when everything was still. now, at dusk, things are portrayed in a diff light. i hear birds chirping, leaves rustling and kids laughing.. the happy things in life. my skills deteoriated soooo much thru the years.. due to my weight, i cant swing as high. the momentum wasnt as smooth as i remembered it to be. disappointment.. how can i nt be? but i'm glad i still relive my childhood moments thru the swings.. nothing else is as special as that. swing to my hearts content.

what abt you? what can make u a child again?

am thinking. if i come up with a list of "things i dunno/never notice abt myself" and ask my friends to fill up, is that possible? in life, shldnt we strive to understand ourselves more? coz when we have less doubts abt ourselves, we'll be more confident. and when we're more confident, we're more likely to succeed.

how to get a gd start when u hav a lousy end?

have you ever went to bed frowning?

i did. especially when i couldnt get to sleep.

we frown unknowingly when we're tense. facial muscles contract and we so called "display a bad mood face." actually is I.

this "body reaction" occurs when i try too hard to sleep at night. there i go into the "frowny" face when i try to shut my eyes tight and force myself to go to bed..

So i ask myself... How can i start off everyday anew when i end off each day in such a state? and how can my body hav adequate quality rest when i didnt allow it to fully relax?

and i guess.. maybe that's the reason why i look so tired.

thoughts recorded on 26 dec at 3.11 am..

3 short thoughts for a long day

it's life isnt it?

you plow ahead and make a hit.

and you plow on and someone passes you.

then someone passes them,

time levels.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

this sentence left a deep impression:

[you have not converted a man because you have silenced him]

this applies so much to life and says so much about beliefs.

1) someone uses authority to force another to keep quiet
2) someone threatens another to stay away from trouble
3) ur boss or parents ask u to "shut up"
4) someone giving in after a heated quarrel
5) a kid being slap coz he cried for wanting something
6) an elderly keeping quiet when others insult or scold them
7) someone killing another in order to "silence" him
:
:
:

and the list goes on...

juz because somehow or another, due to some power or rights, someone managed to "win" over the other in terms of the desired outcome. take number 3 for example. ur boss "ordered" you to keep quiet and listen to his views instead. due to legitimate power, he won. u cant do anything except "listen" to him.. did he succeed? yes he did. he managed to make u shut up. but does that change ur views that ur idea is better than his? NO.

u slap a child so that he does not yell anymore after u refused to buy him that "violent" toy. your actions stopped his cries. but have you changed his mind about wanting the toy? NO.. and because u think the toy will induce violent thoughts in the kid doesnt mean that he agrees with you. the desire juz got strongly.. yes he wont yell anymore but he wont agree with your "false" beliefs either.

on the surface, we might look as if we're being "bought over", "surpressed" or "convinced." deep down, the beliefs burn stronger.. there is NO way u can prevent this from happening. it's all in the mind.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

when asked, many would say that long term relationships need alot of compromise.

we give and we take. if there's really nothing we can do, we give and give. to many, that's unconditional love. that's when i ABSOLUTELY disagree. there is a time to give and a time to take. when u have misconceptions about that, the relationship is a gonna.

that's why i STRONGLY BELIEVE:

[Long term relationships need alot of LAUGHTER]

smile and laugh more. it's the happy feeling that brings about satisfaction, induces contentment and results in happiness.. by giving in, nothing will last.. trust me.. =)

REN

i realised the wonders of being around children again. last tuition class before CNY.

was feeling frustrated because i juz got to know most of the students frm 1A, they were juz beginning warming up to me and the classes got to stop. the twin brothers, esther, joyce, sirong, the very enthu little boy and another in the corner that reminds me of me.. kept reminding myself that i have to have more patience, tolerance and maintain the correct tone throughout the whole lesson.during the card making session, i have to make sure they dun hurt themselves by snatching the scissors or playing around with the glue or viying for the chance to write or decorate on the card.

really tried very hard not to raise my voice when the answer to everything i asked is 7. 20+7=7 and 30+3=7.. i kept telling myself that i have to be patience, patient and MORE patient. kept reminding myself to relax.. is it true that every class has a kid like that? last year i got one. this yr i got another. i dun mind them being slightly slower in learning as long as they put in the effort to do so. tolerating the kid's short attention span is a thing. giving the same answer although i clearly told her that it is wrong and digressing to other topics like "my father can write happy new year in chinese" is another. she kept wanting to do things instead of letting others have a turn. she does things when i say no and made other students pissed. pple finished the whole counting worksheet and she's still at the 1st page. i really dunno wat to do with her..

shifu told me that her mom is blind and her sis is a slow learner so we got to be more patience and show more "Care and concern" for her. but it's hard not to show favourtism. coz i already did. it's human's nature to like things that are more to what we desire, the opimum condition or situation so to say. because of her, i got to put other students on hold when they ask me for help. and it's hard to give undivided attention when the class is big. i hav to cater to the needs of other students as well.. and i'm exasperated..

"REN" (tolerate).. what a powerful word to serve as a constant reminder..

and children doesnt hide emotions do they? everything is shown on their faces. u'll know when u're nt giving them the attention they want. or how upset they are sometimes. of course u'll notice how bored and how much they want to get out of the seats too..

that's that joy of teaching.. to put myself in the shoes of the students when i'm a "teacher." that makes everything worthwhile..

GALLERY HOTEL!!

WHAT A PIECE OF LUCK. THANKS GOD!

was juz telling Peiling and Edelina before we sat for our POM paper that the SIP companies available are all that i dun wanna go to.. coz the hotels listed are... what i dun really want to go to.. they were saying that some of the hotels they want not available and to name some, four seasons and fullerton. i was telling them that i wanna go to theme hotels or rather concept hotels like gallery hotel!!!!!!!!! but it's not available THEN... was still in such a lousy mood coz all those SIP companies all.. erm.. not wat i want..

and well, the most miraculous thing happened!! checked the SIP link coz was searching for email add and saw the latest update!! gallery hotel's offering 8 places for HM students!! that means 1) i wont hav to fight wif those pple who desperately want to get into ritz and the other hotels, 2) 8 places mean higher chance of getting in den 4 places.. it's double the luck!! hahahahhahaa

okie.. wait.. it's 10 places!!!! hahahahhaha.. i hope i get in.. my resume and application letter doesnt sound so fantastic.. dun hav much things to include.. dunno how to elaborate.. but at least i'm motivated now ya.. FINALLY.. god sent news.. haha...

thanks for sending that wonderful goal. now all i need is a little luck. *wink

allow me the chance to tk that 1st step.. and the rest is up to me...

okie.. i sound like a lunatic getting excited over nth.. fine. haha

nursing meh?

cat called and woke me up at 1330 and asked for a 150+ gatheirng..

did some household chores coz my mom asked me to. but i was enjoying coz there's noone at home and everything was so peaceful, so quiet..

went to QY's house. met hwa san in the bus.. at first thot i see wrongly.. so when he walked past i called his name. so i'm right.. lolx.. more den a yr nv see him le.. he asked if i changed me fone coz the last time he msg, i didnt reply. say i never organise gathering.. haha.. dunno whether ah sok they all free or not.. now the whole gang sure working arbo going NS le mah..

halfway thru the conversation, he asked why i nv look at him and talk de.. and den i dunno why, but out of a sudden, i realised most of the time, i nv maintain eye contact when i talk. i prefer to look ard, or past the person's face, focusing on things behind.. coz he was asking me sth den i nv maintain eye contact, so my reply was as if i'm lying.. lolx..

he called me a perfectionist back den and i dunno why. still rem our chinese lessons talking abt those very "classic" chinese stories like hong lou meng, san guo yan yi and so on.. he can really chat with the teacher and analyse the characters and so on.. that's when me and jasmine sleep.. lolx..

and he thought i'm in nursing.. it's nt the 1st time pple think i'm studying nursing!!! when i said hospitality management, they replied "same lah.. hospital mah." dots.. -_-"'

went to J8.. changed so much.. i dun like the place. dunno why..

walked past coffeebean. wanted to, but didnt.

on request.. :)

as per Viy request, here's the entry.

this is the 1st sem after test papers i didnt go out with jiemeis..

went perfume hunting with celi and viy today.had a wonderful time laughing at lame comments..

most perfumes got a smiliar ingredient. hence the familiar scent.. but viy's choice is good. at least NO inventory, vintage, poison, air freshner, honeydew, ants-attraction, or funny weird scent..

btw, i think the best 3 voted by me is Viy's, Celi's and the O oi one.. hahaha.. the rest i guess i smell too much so dunno how to differentiate le..

favourite hangout, as usual, place for our usual photo-taking sessions and also slackerz' paradise aka beverage kingdom.. lolx..

i started grumbling after awhile.. but it feels so good to get some things off ya.. thanks to the 2 of u.. made my day..

cant wait for next thursday!!! viy.. remember to plan out an itinery hor.. where to go, wat to eat and so on.. hehe.. and i'm here to remind u not to break your promise to charlene.. arbo noone help her set up blog.. k lah.. enuff of crap for today le.. my eyes cant open le.. nitey..

ultimate happiness . happiness is the ultimate

i guess what we're looking for ultimately, is happiness.

in order to fulfill that intrinsic desire to satisfy your need, we accept the various options life has to offer. we seek happiness in relationships, in indulgence, in ultimate satisfaction and luxury.

we spoil ourselves rotten by being self-centered/self-contained, masking any hints we detect from our surrounding that we are not open to.

long before we realise, pathetic fools got into trouble.

we protect ourselves by hurting others, we shield others from hurting ourselves. endless cycle.

the end of it, a tragedy is when the one whom u hurt is ur dearest and the one you care hurts u the most.

life's as such. seek a balance.

infernal affairs

rather irritated. spent more den an hour in the bus listening to songs and going round hougang and serangoon area. saw huiyin on my way to grandpa's house. told me she knows my cousin. her fren's fren. watever~ got to know that youhui's dad passed away recently. she's going to visit at night and i dunno why she told me that.

wasnt in the mood to study last night, hence i watched all 3 parts of infernal affairs.

in the end, both the good and the bad died. they ended up killing each other.

fate makes it such that their lives are inter-linked.

pple who want to be good. they sacrifice to be bad so that they can be good.

black and white. scheming against one another. dont they know that there are grey areas?

didnt go to school for training.

1 last entry b4 i end off this day.

bo liao me browsing thru my journals again. translating stories from chinese to english.. had a solemn time reminiscing.

- bought a blouse. love it very much. so much so that i am reluctant to wear it for i might dirty the new clean top. months down the road, i took out the same blouse to realise that it is already out of fashion.
- bought a cake back then. a cake that looks so yummy that i curb my temptation by putting it in the fridge so that i can slowly savour it bit by bit instead of stuffing it down at one go. the cake was forgotten for i did not open the fridge frequently. days past. when i finally felt like eating it, the cake was already spoilt.
- these two examples are similar to that of a relationship. u must wear the blouse at the time when u like it. u must enjoy the cake at the point where u still have the craving. only then u truly possess it. once u missed the enjoyment period, what's left behind is only regret.

u know i thought about this quiet a number of times.. if there is a fire and i can only grab limited things before i run for safety. the 1st thing i reach out for would not be the money but my journals, my notebooks, my files full of memories. money i can always earn again. uncaptured memories are lost forever....

i once told a clsmate. i think there are 2 types of pple. and the real them will surface during an argument. one would dig up every single situation in the past and try to make it such that with such a long and substantial "data and history", the other person MUST give in. the other person, operates with blind spots, blcking out the "past" and focus on the present situation. this type of person can examine every single action, body language in detail so much so that his or her side of the argument is as "substantial" as the former. the 1st type of person are those who hold fast to their past memories. sad to say, they are the ones who will bear grudges.. the latter thinks that we all have to move on. things that are unworthy to be remembered muz be forgotten so that their lives can be smooth-er sailing.. this type of pple takes things more lightly, even "unworthy" friendships.. if the 2 parties are friends, then the 1st one would end off the argument with sth like "our friendship is over!" the 2nd one will say sth like "gd. now it's my fault. everything is my fault. i know i cant be as good. but i've tried!" then they move on.. and this memory is stashed away at a dark untouched corner deep in their hearts.

this is a similar story as the cashier in a busy store. the one who screams at the customer and the one who pretends everything is fine until one day he or she explodes, take out a gun and shoot the customer.

so after these 3 short stories, what do u think? guess many of u didnt even finish reading this.. lolx.. watever..

[Trapped mainly by wanting things to be exactly as they are, only better]

tree and wild flower story

food hygiene term test today.. surprisingly, it doesnt even feel like term test and lazy me only started studying this morning..

was listening to my fav radio prog this morning, taking a break from the bacteria names and heard this simple sharing by the DJ..

very long ago, there's this wild flower by a roadside, growing beside a big tree. it grew up by depending on the tree for nutrients and water. the tree sheltered the flower from the strong winds and heavy rain.. one day, a group of workers came and the sturdy tree was cut down. the flower was devastated. it is no longer under the protection of the tree. the heavy rain will beat down at it, the wind will rip the flower off by the root and nothing will spare mercy on the little flower by the roadside. somewhere off the road, another tree consoled the little flower, saying that without the tree the sun will shine directly at the flower, giving it optimun sunlight for photosynthesis. the dew and raindrops will ensure that the flower will get its supply of water. passerby will now stop to admire the flower that stands alone for now, there is no tree whereby it can hide behind. days pass and the flower realised that it became stronger and more resilient, for it has learnt to stand on its own "feet", learnt not to depend on others, acquire enough "skills" for survival..

this short story gave me such an important reminder.. the tree hasnt left the flower. the absence of the tree simply provide the flower a better environment for it to showcase its fullest potential, a chance for the flower to try and achieve more than it thinks it can on its own, and that something better will turn out..

so i juz sat there staring into space for abt half an hr.. it's gd.. my mind got its dose of relaxant and thoughts got flushed out of the system.. i love this kinda feeling.. even bacillus cereus sound so much easier after that..

heard this over the radio yesterday..

[人会快乐是因为他不计较. 计较的人是不会快乐的]

[我们人生不能说要就要, 说不要就丢掉.]

[过去的岁月以不会再回头, 未来的路仍然要走.]

[一杯咖啡, 一个知己, 一次倾听, 温暖你的人生.]

so true huh.. chinese words still mean much more..

and this is from an old song that i heard after the tsunami struck..

[i haven got the time, i haven got the room, i haven got the need for pain]
this pretty much sums up attitude huh..

and this article abt the tsunami caught my attention.

[at the mass graves, we watched as bodies were lifted out of vans. no records of death. only one policeman on duty. no law. no order. juz pple burying the dead. body after body. shovel after shovel.] when i read this, 我有莫名的感动. 很不可思议吧, 但就这么如此. that's y i saved it in my fone and got the urge to blog it down. things in life dun come easily.. in a moment u might be so touched, so enlightened by something someone said, but u didnt take it down, didnt make an effort to make it tangible. when time passes by, u'll forget all about it.. i have many such moments.. moments whereby i am simply too lazy to make that extra effort, thus losing many such chances. they might not matter to u, but they do to me. hope u find a way in which u'll be able to make wonderful words tangible. record those quotes. they'll be priceless in the days to come.

** did sth i thought i will never do.. u'll have to kill me to persuade me to join i-guides for open house.. but i did, out of my own accord. but it's biz i-guides only.. it came as a surprise, for me. lolx.. and i absolutely got no idea why unethu me would do so.. maybe coz it's 1 hr of training and 4 hrs of duty.. but i have no lack of SEAL points, so i dunno my motive for doing so actually.. but i did, and that's wat matters.. :)**

i dunno wat got into me. a classmate was telling me abt wat she heard frm XW.. in a matter of fact, it matters to me but my reaction doesnt tally with how i feel.. i appear so indifferent, as if couldnt care how others see me. stupid things like comments and impressions.. they affect me.. or maybe it's nt the issue. it's how she puts the point across to me.

i hate it when others interests are in conflict with mine. seems selfish huh.. another of those all-i-care-abt-is-me talks.. but how to show that i am upset with watever others are doing when it's a ratio of 3:1? i hate being the minority..

i find myself getting all worked up and upset or affected over the smallest things in life. i overlook the whole pictures.. i am too engrossed with the details that i miss out enjoying the whole painting.. certain things that meant alot to me now might be crap 3 years down the road but at least i did wat i want to do back then. i remembered once in primary 2 i got scolded by my chinese teacher in front of the whole class that i got so upset for so many days, thinking that my teacher hates me for being a bad student.. now that i think back, i find myself so innocent, so oblivious to the more important things in life.. life's like that.. pple get uptight for the wrong things many a time, making wrong decisions that they'll regret for life, maybe.

will end off with this:
[i saw a painting of 2 friends holding hands.. wonder how long it'll stay intact? it's old but never fading. wish we were that painting.. getting older yet never changing..]

.honest.

this post is created for the sole purpose of expressing myself, how i think i reacted, during archery trainings.

wanna apologise for my lousy behaviour, my sickening attitude and negative body language. also, my lack of communication. in fact, i dun even communicate. i know there are only a handful of them reading this, but i guess that's alright. i feel that i am an irritating person plus a damn lousy team player. i did realise that my attitude and behaviour on the general took a turn for the worse. i am not improving, not trying, not even wanting to put in effort. my mindset is inclined towards giving up and reverting back to my "watever, heck care" attitude.

i know facial expressions and body language plus tone of voice and choice of words are important to facilitate effective communication, but i practise all the wrong things. i know that by giving a "frown-y" face and "bo-chap" responses, pple will try to avoid me coz "she's in a bad mood. leave her alone." maybe i really did want to be left alone. i dunno. or maybe i dun.

who doesnt wanna do well? i know i want to. but success comes when passion is fueled with discipline. and that's wat i'm lacking. maybe i lose a bit of both. monique was telling me that today is my "perfect weather." i really think so. it's the ideal conditions in which i would and by right should love and enjoy the whole training. but today, i told her that the weather is perfect, but other conditions arent. it's sth like wat we learn in econs.. ceteris paribus or sth lidat which means other things kept constant. maybe the external factor is great but i have problems with internal factors..

i think shini would know how i felt right now. i received her message juz now. it suddenly got to me that we do things without thinking sometimes which might lead to some misunderstandings.. and when things calm down and we are given the luxury of time to juz reflect and think, we feel like giving ourself a knock on the head and the feeling of guilt sets in...

i am a selfish person. getting "selfishier" by the day. i cant be trying hard to please everyone day in and out, at home and outside. so i've learnt to find an outlet. and i'm so sorry to say that archery is at the top place of my "negativities deposit centres."

i gues the reason why it is my "top choice" is because a cca gives me the feeling of my old days. where the lousy attitude and black face peijun rules. another factor is that being a precision sport, it is an ideal outlet for me to "lose control," for me to juz give way to my emotional baggage. and damn it.. i was so right. the pple there, juz sort of let me have my way. coz to them, it's the "usual peijun" that they see. and for one of the first time in my life, i am in control. pple giving in to me, letting me do what i want to do is like a dream come true. not so kua zhang, but it's not a priviledge i get every day. and i think i abuse that feeling, and sort of got obsessed with wanting to do things my way. maybe that's why i dun really like the former in-charge.. and kept wanting to "oppose" coz he ruin my only chance of getting away being rude, ignorant, irritating, selfish, lazy, weak, unreasonable and so on..

i guess wat adds on to this is that this, being the perfect weather, i shld be able to perform better, but i didnt. 1 year of extra time spent in sch aint fruitful at all. cant even compare to the juniors who joined not long ago.. but i know they did train very hard.. so i shldnt make so much noise and complain..

i apologise for any trouble, inconvenience or unhappiness that i cause or anything i did that affected anyone in anyway.. when i'm down, consciously i know that the "signs" i'm sending are negative, asking pple to "back off" and give me space. i also know that it's wrong for me to do it. but i did anyway. to u this sort of "apology thingy" might not be much of an important issue coz u're used to it, used to how i behave. but it's impt to me. i did it for myself..

was shooting one of the last ends of the 2nd round when i shot 3 arrows only and asked william to take over. he was saying that he'll wait till i finish my last 3 arrows but i told him i dun wanna shoot anymore and juz stepped out of the shooting line and put my bow on the bow stand. i almost wanted to walk off and sit down but i felt that that wasnt the right thing to do. felt like slapping myself there and then for even saying and doing that. seems so unreasonable, like someone who doesnt hav any authority making all the decisions and not giving a damn how others felt. i inhaled deeply for a few moments, calmed down and continued with the last 3. i'm nt saying that i am proud of myself for doing that. i didnt feel very much better but at least i did what i think was right at that point in time.

i fell asleep while they have the individual KO rounds..
visited my grandparents. my uncle commented that i look very tired and really shld catch up on more sleep. viy said the same thing to me a few days ago. and the funniest thing is that i'm nt even working part time. so why shld i be tired and why shld i be entitled to give haggard looks that make pple think that i'm having such a hard time in life? and i thought my timetable is slack this sem. most days afternoon classes. but i was wrong. 6 days a week i got to wake up at 7 or before that. after school i got to stay back till late doing all those things that others couldnt be bothered with. and sometimes i got myself into situations that i would never want to be involve in. and pple only see the surface. pple care only for themselves. i am one of them.

i guess these feeling of negativity, tension and even stress and fear builds up. deep inside, i know i have to find an outlet where i can dump all these if nt these pent up emotions would be like an unlit bonfire. it juz takes a spark to set it blazing. and i dun want that to happen. i could jolly well juz post an entry pretty much like the rest, anologies, beating about the bush, talking in codes that left many buffled, exposing thoughts without giving the full view of insights, keeping emotions under complaints and all. but i decided to be honest today. maybe u'll find it funny. but i'm nt laughing.

this sorta things happen when pple hear but they dun listen. they speak but they dun express. they see but they dun understand..

communication breakdown between the two, stress and tension built up. humans have blind spots. and wat we see is what we thought others meant. and then we leave things to our imagination.. our thoughts run wild and we create alot of "perceptions" and "reality" that we "think" is correct coz we "see and feel it." which may all not be true..

time constraint. tt's all.

it's as if everything changes overnight.

new priorities for a new year. the thought came yesterday but my mom told me to hold on. so isoltated, so disconnected. so out.

seen so many stories, heard so many tales. thus the need came strong and i know i wont ever regret it.

i dunno wat the future holds. i've decided to be a fish and juz follow the current, wherever it takes me to.

the semester is going alright. with new priorities, i find myself not paying as much attention to my studies.. i juz hope i can keep my GPA the same..

so cold this monsoon season huh. the rain is soothing yet a bit creepy. and i cant shake away that uncomfortable feeling.. juz hope spring is here soon.