having a break from my text.. giving my eyes and brain a break. btw, why is the thing we eat call mooncake? y not suncake? nor starcake? y moon? and it's not even round. mooncakes have uneven edges!! a more appropriate name could be flower cakes coz the shape really looks like a flower..
anyway, the song dang ni gu dan ni hui xiang qi shui was aired over some radio station. couldnt help but stone for awhile.. and the DJ was talking about the weather.. i love the kind of weather NOW. u have to be me in order to know. anyway, back to my notes.. i really hate myself for slping in cls.. need time to figure things out. anyway, dun think i'll be slping early tonight.. after ytd's 12 hrs slp.. that's half a useful day gone ya..
i didnt go and "visit" my grandma today. i couldnt see the point of making a trip down just to offer mooncakes and talk to her. i can talk to her anytime i want. she lives in my heart and that's it. dun wanna argue with anyone who has a different point of view or perception. and if u call talking to a urn of ashes meaningful, den go ahead. i'm not stopping you.
i sound so damn childish. so ignorant. so far back from knowing and understanding chinese culture. 我们为什么要被传统价值观所束付呢?
it's time to reinforce my lousy chinese.. but for now, applied research comes first..
Tuesday, September 28
28th sep
HAPPY BDAE mei!!!!
woke up early in the morning. like 5.. and enjoyed the serenity completely.. the air was light with a tinge of freshness, the atmosphere weirdly comforting without the slightest eerie feel and when i opened the balcony door, i was greeted by dawn and its wind that so seemingly danced around me, making me feel as if i'm in a dream.. i stood there for what seems like ages before closing the door, back to reality. there the spotlight dimmed. and the oh-i-am-so-lucky mood disappeared. wat's left is the empty feeling that i have the whole day to study for the exams and the weird feeling at where the wisdom tooth was.
i woke up where nature greets me, where i know i am being protected, where the faries begin their daily routine of starting the day off with their own special magic, where the dustman goes back to rest and where the sun yawns and punch his card to report for work and where the moon goes back to her humble abode to freshen up and prepares for the festival tonight where everyone will just stare up at her pretty frock and admire how glamorous she is, just for tonight.
what makes today exceptionally beautiful is that it's my sis's bdae too.. how nice. pretty day, perfect day to have your bdae.. where everyone celebrates this special day with you.. and talk about nothing but the beautiful legend of chang-e, the tasty mooncakes, how nice the moon is, how cute the children are, how nice the fire looks around the whole area. only for tonight, fire is seen as a beautifying tool and a decorative lamp. and not to forget the island will be filled with those musical lanterns that are so popular with the young. it'll be a magical moment. i believe it will be. just wait and see..
woke up early in the morning. like 5.. and enjoyed the serenity completely.. the air was light with a tinge of freshness, the atmosphere weirdly comforting without the slightest eerie feel and when i opened the balcony door, i was greeted by dawn and its wind that so seemingly danced around me, making me feel as if i'm in a dream.. i stood there for what seems like ages before closing the door, back to reality. there the spotlight dimmed. and the oh-i-am-so-lucky mood disappeared. wat's left is the empty feeling that i have the whole day to study for the exams and the weird feeling at where the wisdom tooth was.
i woke up where nature greets me, where i know i am being protected, where the faries begin their daily routine of starting the day off with their own special magic, where the dustman goes back to rest and where the sun yawns and punch his card to report for work and where the moon goes back to her humble abode to freshen up and prepares for the festival tonight where everyone will just stare up at her pretty frock and admire how glamorous she is, just for tonight.
what makes today exceptionally beautiful is that it's my sis's bdae too.. how nice. pretty day, perfect day to have your bdae.. where everyone celebrates this special day with you.. and talk about nothing but the beautiful legend of chang-e, the tasty mooncakes, how nice the moon is, how cute the children are, how nice the fire looks around the whole area. only for tonight, fire is seen as a beautifying tool and a decorative lamp. and not to forget the island will be filled with those musical lanterns that are so popular with the young. it'll be a magical moment. i believe it will be. just wait and see..
Friday, September 24
[You aren't looking for anyone who reminds you of anyone else]
i have to keep reminding myself coz subconsciously i'll do that.. when i sit down and reflect, i'll realised that it isnt doing me any good.. shadows of yesterday, traces of memories. seems like heaven is making fun of me ya.. i know it yet i still do it. there are many others who dun even need to think about it yet they know that they cant and they wont.
afraid? of? the future? uncertainties? and y am i seeking familiarity? timid? idiotic? reluctant? of? the past? i cant seem to move.
suddenly remember maurice.. that guy ar.. actually he crap alot but some things he said makes sense.. i know. and he managed to somehow make me realised that i'm stupid. "wake me up" from the hypnotism stage i was in and let me look reality in the face.
i thank him ya. thank him for the many things he shared. i've grown.
and how can i forget [turn the page]? turn the page, u were there.. (*repeat countless times...)
how time flies.. i feel like i'm looking at time on wings. speeding past before i can react.
i have to keep reminding myself coz subconsciously i'll do that.. when i sit down and reflect, i'll realised that it isnt doing me any good.. shadows of yesterday, traces of memories. seems like heaven is making fun of me ya.. i know it yet i still do it. there are many others who dun even need to think about it yet they know that they cant and they wont.
afraid? of? the future? uncertainties? and y am i seeking familiarity? timid? idiotic? reluctant? of? the past? i cant seem to move.
suddenly remember maurice.. that guy ar.. actually he crap alot but some things he said makes sense.. i know. and he managed to somehow make me realised that i'm stupid. "wake me up" from the hypnotism stage i was in and let me look reality in the face.
i thank him ya. thank him for the many things he shared. i've grown.
and how can i forget [turn the page]? turn the page, u were there.. (*repeat countless times...)
how time flies.. i feel like i'm looking at time on wings. speeding past before i can react.
i used too much time on thinking so that leaves me with much lesser time for action. it is an opportunity cost that i have to forgo in order to be me. and i happily do that.
chefs were sharing their experiences about their trips overseas and i couldnt help but think of the 3 countries that i wanna go the most. italy, egypt and spain. true enuff, she mentioned the 3 countries after that. funny enuff, i'm not that interested in countries like america and such. wont mind visiting London's apple farms though.
they mentioned so many exciting and funny things that happened during their trips. that makes me jealous and want to save up immediately and plan for a trip. i used to be the kinda person who likes to stay in s'pore and not go overseas. now i see things in a diff perspective. going out of the country means we are exposed to different cultures and lifestyles. diff pple and things. it's a whole new experience isnt it? i want to travel to various places. from vineyards to national museums, from hot season to cold season, from fast paced life to slow and peaceful lifestyle. isnt that great? being able to indulge in various aspects that life got to offer. and all that i'm lacking is money. how great.
been saving hard for the trip that jo and i initially planned. but due to unforsee circumstances, that trip is cancelled. how great. and i got nothing to look forward to this holiday. maybe i shld find a job? or shld i go back to the live-in-the-tv lifestyle?
i dun like the idea. somehow, i think i'll be able to survive this holiday. maybe can negotiate with my mom for a bit of allowance. and use my savings, as usual. shld be able to scrape thru. but muz keep reminding myself not to overspend. and not to forget all the eating-out trips that i promised so many of my friends. think i'll juz spend my money on food.
chefs were sharing their experiences about their trips overseas and i couldnt help but think of the 3 countries that i wanna go the most. italy, egypt and spain. true enuff, she mentioned the 3 countries after that. funny enuff, i'm not that interested in countries like america and such. wont mind visiting London's apple farms though.
they mentioned so many exciting and funny things that happened during their trips. that makes me jealous and want to save up immediately and plan for a trip. i used to be the kinda person who likes to stay in s'pore and not go overseas. now i see things in a diff perspective. going out of the country means we are exposed to different cultures and lifestyles. diff pple and things. it's a whole new experience isnt it? i want to travel to various places. from vineyards to national museums, from hot season to cold season, from fast paced life to slow and peaceful lifestyle. isnt that great? being able to indulge in various aspects that life got to offer. and all that i'm lacking is money. how great.
been saving hard for the trip that jo and i initially planned. but due to unforsee circumstances, that trip is cancelled. how great. and i got nothing to look forward to this holiday. maybe i shld find a job? or shld i go back to the live-in-the-tv lifestyle?
i dun like the idea. somehow, i think i'll be able to survive this holiday. maybe can negotiate with my mom for a bit of allowance. and use my savings, as usual. shld be able to scrape thru. but muz keep reminding myself not to overspend. and not to forget all the eating-out trips that i promised so many of my friends. think i'll juz spend my money on food.
Thursday, September 23
was doing my BESE reaction paper online and trying to crap stuff to hit the word limit, i realised something. in words, we make everything seems so wonderful. but is it really? words are just there to facilitate communication. it cannot state promises in black and white, it cannot ensure that the exact meaning behind is what the receiver perceives. it cannot make everything wonderful. so words are just a lifeless tool used by humans to manipulate feelings and distort intentions.. isnt it?
hav u ever wonder y sometimes what u say isnt what u meant and what u meant isnt what u say?
regrets?
i said too many wrong things with the wrong tones to the wrong people at the wrong time. so much so that i have too many regrets to even keep track of. so i ask myself. if it doesnt really matter to me, does it matters to others? if it does, there's nothing i can do to rectify the problem is there? i can see no point in explaining. your frens dun need it and your enemies wont believe it anyway.
hav u ever wonder y sometimes what u say isnt what u meant and what u meant isnt what u say?
regrets?
i said too many wrong things with the wrong tones to the wrong people at the wrong time. so much so that i have too many regrets to even keep track of. so i ask myself. if it doesnt really matter to me, does it matters to others? if it does, there's nothing i can do to rectify the problem is there? i can see no point in explaining. your frens dun need it and your enemies wont believe it anyway.
things i try not to think about.
now i know y viy likes to sit in front during OB lecs.. i hate it too.. it's distracting and irritating.. made me want to be rude.
applied tut today was alright.. didnt slp although i am real tired. think i didnt hav enuff slp.. y is my irritation level rising? where is the limit? does it apply to a specific few?
wont be going for lecs tml.. saffron will be the last lesson of the day and the sem. oh yeah!!
so sian. time to change my whole wardrobe. maybe it is, maybe it isnt. hope i score well for my subjects, and i really pray hard that i have fate with more As.. and not Bs and Cs.. but i'll be over the moon if i hav Zs ya.. haha.. who wont? huihui? coz it's common for her?
shini bought mooncakes juz now, plus jay chou's concert tix.. spent quite alot.. and the mooncakes quite nice. nt too sweet.. funny right. i like chocos but i dun like sweet stuff.. lolx..
perception probs lah..
how i wished i am as straightforward as viy and shini.. if i am like that, i'll respect myself more. and at least i knwo that i'm nt the kinda person that i dun like. wat viy said abt "Irn" makes sense.. i think i am like her, but our way of interpreting certain things are wrong. blind spot maybe. by subconsciously doing things differently due to environmental factors, maybe i am showing the "sleeky" side? i dunno.
and i realised i always tok in a roundabout way. end up i dunno wat i want to say actually.. this is a bad habit and i think it affects the pple ard me. by doing so, i am not able to express myself effectively. i think one of the few times i am straightforward is during archery trainings. not all the time, but on average generally more "honest and straightforward".. ask me why? i feel that for archery, most of us (or them) have a common goal. we're there for training sessions. there is a goal we all set out to achieve, watever that is. whereas for usual environment like sch, we dun really hav a common goal together besides slacking and wasting time till the next lesson. we dun want to offend too many pple for fear that we'll be left with noone coz nobody likes us! and when that happens, we'll be eating alone, slacking alone, reading alone, in the lab alone, going everywhere alone. in tertiary level, u'll be deemd as an outcast or weirdo if u are a loner. pple will talk abt u behind ur back, gossip, label and so on. do we know it? yes we do. do we want it? no we dont.
maybe that's y we practice selective communication during conversations. we try to give in and accommodate so that at least when we hate each other, we have each other kinda thing. but why is that so? isnt it normal to be alone? no? weird society this is.
i am the kinda person Mr Ram mentioned in his lec on tues.. i'm nt the kinda ger who'll go thru hell on biz trips.. i'm not. and i try to believe.
back to the training thing. when i speak, those archery peeps wont know what kinda person i am in sec sch, so they'll judge me by how i behave NOW. that is what seowling told me when i was in AJ for the 1st 3 months. she told me that since the pple there dunno you at all, u are able to start a new without pple gossiping behind ur back. no judgements, no queer glances, no qns asked. easy as A-B-C. and i feel that although i've changed, part of me remains. is that wat the DISC profiling thing shows? the REAL me and the USUAL me? so i can actually feel the USUAL me changing but in the meantine still know that the REAL me exist? really?
ok. wat am i? one or many?
applied tut today was alright.. didnt slp although i am real tired. think i didnt hav enuff slp.. y is my irritation level rising? where is the limit? does it apply to a specific few?
wont be going for lecs tml.. saffron will be the last lesson of the day and the sem. oh yeah!!
so sian. time to change my whole wardrobe. maybe it is, maybe it isnt. hope i score well for my subjects, and i really pray hard that i have fate with more As.. and not Bs and Cs.. but i'll be over the moon if i hav Zs ya.. haha.. who wont? huihui? coz it's common for her?
shini bought mooncakes juz now, plus jay chou's concert tix.. spent quite alot.. and the mooncakes quite nice. nt too sweet.. funny right. i like chocos but i dun like sweet stuff.. lolx..
perception probs lah..
how i wished i am as straightforward as viy and shini.. if i am like that, i'll respect myself more. and at least i knwo that i'm nt the kinda person that i dun like. wat viy said abt "Irn" makes sense.. i think i am like her, but our way of interpreting certain things are wrong. blind spot maybe. by subconsciously doing things differently due to environmental factors, maybe i am showing the "sleeky" side? i dunno.
and i realised i always tok in a roundabout way. end up i dunno wat i want to say actually.. this is a bad habit and i think it affects the pple ard me. by doing so, i am not able to express myself effectively. i think one of the few times i am straightforward is during archery trainings. not all the time, but on average generally more "honest and straightforward".. ask me why? i feel that for archery, most of us (or them) have a common goal. we're there for training sessions. there is a goal we all set out to achieve, watever that is. whereas for usual environment like sch, we dun really hav a common goal together besides slacking and wasting time till the next lesson. we dun want to offend too many pple for fear that we'll be left with noone coz nobody likes us! and when that happens, we'll be eating alone, slacking alone, reading alone, in the lab alone, going everywhere alone. in tertiary level, u'll be deemd as an outcast or weirdo if u are a loner. pple will talk abt u behind ur back, gossip, label and so on. do we know it? yes we do. do we want it? no we dont.
maybe that's y we practice selective communication during conversations. we try to give in and accommodate so that at least when we hate each other, we have each other kinda thing. but why is that so? isnt it normal to be alone? no? weird society this is.
i am the kinda person Mr Ram mentioned in his lec on tues.. i'm nt the kinda ger who'll go thru hell on biz trips.. i'm not. and i try to believe.
back to the training thing. when i speak, those archery peeps wont know what kinda person i am in sec sch, so they'll judge me by how i behave NOW. that is what seowling told me when i was in AJ for the 1st 3 months. she told me that since the pple there dunno you at all, u are able to start a new without pple gossiping behind ur back. no judgements, no queer glances, no qns asked. easy as A-B-C. and i feel that although i've changed, part of me remains. is that wat the DISC profiling thing shows? the REAL me and the USUAL me? so i can actually feel the USUAL me changing but in the meantine still know that the REAL me exist? really?
ok. wat am i? one or many?
Tuesday, September 21
SIANZZZZZZZ
juz how much hav i grown? height wise- pretty much the same. weight wise- a lot heavier. maturity level- decreasing. attitude and perception- more biased.
saw my ex-clsmate's nick "i've become to be more insecure of myself" and was wondering. have i? i think i do. doubtful.
I MISSED 93.3 FM'S LOVE DIARY! sianz sianz sianz sianz sianz sianz sianz sianz sianz sianz sianz sianz sianz. lingzhi's back, finally.. cant stand chong qing's voice coz the fake emotions are much more obvious than lingzhi, not to forget the frequency of fakeness.. terrible. k. nvm. i haven been listening daily anyway.
unproductive and inefficient.
y pple love gd news? and bad news are being avoided as far as possible? same goes to conflict? y not? i believe there muz be a balance to all these in life. it's either u get it sooner or later, more or less. the world is in balance then (i'm nt sure sure abt now), and the sum of total negativities muz be equal to the sum of total positivities.. so dun blame the world if u dun get what u want even after waiting and working hard for it.
[THE WORLD DOESNT OWE YOU A LIVING. IT WAS HERE FIRST. ]
saw my ex-clsmate's nick "i've become to be more insecure of myself" and was wondering. have i? i think i do. doubtful.
I MISSED 93.3 FM'S LOVE DIARY! sianz sianz sianz sianz sianz sianz sianz sianz sianz sianz sianz sianz sianz. lingzhi's back, finally.. cant stand chong qing's voice coz the fake emotions are much more obvious than lingzhi, not to forget the frequency of fakeness.. terrible. k. nvm. i haven been listening daily anyway.
unproductive and inefficient.
y pple love gd news? and bad news are being avoided as far as possible? same goes to conflict? y not? i believe there muz be a balance to all these in life. it's either u get it sooner or later, more or less. the world is in balance then (i'm nt sure sure abt now), and the sum of total negativities muz be equal to the sum of total positivities.. so dun blame the world if u dun get what u want even after waiting and working hard for it.
[THE WORLD DOESNT OWE YOU A LIVING. IT WAS HERE FIRST. ]
Monday, September 20
IN SEVENTH HEAVEN!
best day in my entire semester!! was smiling all the way from 5 pm till now..
prize presentation for culi sci and SSC today.. and LT 22 became the noisiest area in the whole of TP in that half an hr with applaus and all..
sth like the emmy awards huh? lolx...
and P09 got the BEST TEAM PROJECT for culinary!!!! yeah!! all that we've wished for!!!
When Joseph announced "thank God it's Friday" Eve and i almost went berserk! the heavy stone in our hearts disappeared instantaneously.. the thoughts that flashed across my mind was "all our efforts paid off, my dessert didnt cause the downfall of our team.. made our money spent on trial cooking worth." yeah.. so happy.. am glad for the P09 service pple too.. they got the overall best.. double happiness for my cls.. all of us get at least 1 cert..
i'm now in seventh heaven.. besides that, i also received the dedication award for passion & commitment.. think out of the 65 of us, maybe abt 15 got it? 20? i nv count.. but quite a handful.. wat matters is that i got it.. and i'm half floating.. haha.. =)
happy happy happy.. what more can i ask for?
HOSPI is the BEST course! (to me) coz we get to take culinary science as a subject!!!
which course enables u to taste wine? cook? eat? manage a restaurant? put ur creativity to gd use? come up with ur own menu and serve pple? charge them at a rate u decide urself? play ard with equipment that costs tens of thousands? teaches u to do household chores? teaches u hygiene? how to make ice-cream? how to decorate and present food? intro us to fine-dining (get us a gd rate for the food)? and many more? only culinary science in hospitality can do it.. i dunno how the other courses are doing and what they are learning but from MY point of view, my course does seem to be one of the most fun, together with CMM of course (ching.. nv forget ur course leh.. the filming and all sounds so fun too..)
and nt to forget.. which course has a special awards "ceremony"?? HM yeah..
nt that i'm proud.. i am VERY proud now.. hahahaha... was thinking why i would get the commitment and passion award.. coz how do the chefs measure that? it's an intangible aspect and how to grade students and see if they deserve it? coz i think Karene ought to have it!!
happy..happy. happy.... lalala... and i handed in my culi sci portfolio after the presentation.. actually enjoyed doing it.. haha.. 1st time i dun mind...
was on such a "high" mood that i went jogging after i reached home.. the feeling is awesome.. not to forget climbing 10 flights of stairs.. and doing some pumpings.. hahaha.. see how "healthy" i am? and the best thing? my grandma made "lingzhi" soup for me!! hahaha..
happy day, healthy lifestyle, and "ai xin soup".. what else can such a fortunate kid like me ask for? haha.. okie. enuff of my bragging.. shall stop here.. i will continue to indulge in my close to perfection day and den i'll rest early.
okie.. 1 last thing.. there's NO marketing tut tml.. and APEL has ended long ago.. u know what that means?????????? tada~!!! 5 hrs more of slp!!!! hahaha.... jealous? envious? angry? :P
prize presentation for culi sci and SSC today.. and LT 22 became the noisiest area in the whole of TP in that half an hr with applaus and all..
sth like the emmy awards huh? lolx...
and P09 got the BEST TEAM PROJECT for culinary!!!! yeah!! all that we've wished for!!!
When Joseph announced "thank God it's Friday" Eve and i almost went berserk! the heavy stone in our hearts disappeared instantaneously.. the thoughts that flashed across my mind was "all our efforts paid off, my dessert didnt cause the downfall of our team.. made our money spent on trial cooking worth." yeah.. so happy.. am glad for the P09 service pple too.. they got the overall best.. double happiness for my cls.. all of us get at least 1 cert..
i'm now in seventh heaven.. besides that, i also received the dedication award for passion & commitment.. think out of the 65 of us, maybe abt 15 got it? 20? i nv count.. but quite a handful.. wat matters is that i got it.. and i'm half floating.. haha.. =)
happy happy happy.. what more can i ask for?
HOSPI is the BEST course! (to me) coz we get to take culinary science as a subject!!!
which course enables u to taste wine? cook? eat? manage a restaurant? put ur creativity to gd use? come up with ur own menu and serve pple? charge them at a rate u decide urself? play ard with equipment that costs tens of thousands? teaches u to do household chores? teaches u hygiene? how to make ice-cream? how to decorate and present food? intro us to fine-dining (get us a gd rate for the food)? and many more? only culinary science in hospitality can do it.. i dunno how the other courses are doing and what they are learning but from MY point of view, my course does seem to be one of the most fun, together with CMM of course (ching.. nv forget ur course leh.. the filming and all sounds so fun too..)
and nt to forget.. which course has a special awards "ceremony"?? HM yeah..
nt that i'm proud.. i am VERY proud now.. hahahaha... was thinking why i would get the commitment and passion award.. coz how do the chefs measure that? it's an intangible aspect and how to grade students and see if they deserve it? coz i think Karene ought to have it!!
happy..happy. happy.... lalala... and i handed in my culi sci portfolio after the presentation.. actually enjoyed doing it.. haha.. 1st time i dun mind...
was on such a "high" mood that i went jogging after i reached home.. the feeling is awesome.. not to forget climbing 10 flights of stairs.. and doing some pumpings.. hahaha.. see how "healthy" i am? and the best thing? my grandma made "lingzhi" soup for me!! hahaha..
happy day, healthy lifestyle, and "ai xin soup".. what else can such a fortunate kid like me ask for? haha.. okie. enuff of my bragging.. shall stop here.. i will continue to indulge in my close to perfection day and den i'll rest early.
okie.. 1 last thing.. there's NO marketing tut tml.. and APEL has ended long ago.. u know what that means?????????? tada~!!! 5 hrs more of slp!!!! hahaha.... jealous? envious? angry? :P
Sunday, September 19
LONE> ___ < SELF
alone at home, again. on a sunday. how great.
maybe i'm used to being in a big family that's y sometimes when i am alone for too long, i feel weird. lonely maybe?
no doubt i appreciate and love the serene type of environment but i guess humans need constant interaction in order to survive? in order nt to sink into depression? in order not to reflect and think too much such that we drive ourself crazy? i dunno..
of course i enjoy being alone sometimes.. away from the crowd, away from the hustle and bustle of city life and i indulge in that few precious moments whereby the world seems to stop. for me, juz for me.
sometimes i wonder if i am abit too anti-social. or maybe i am escaping.. from what? i dunno. frm life maybe. wanna find a place to hide although i know that it is impossible. and the closest thing i can find is solitary.
it scares me sometimes.. wondering if i am insane, thinking if i am extraordinary, contemplating if i (my personality, behaviour, actions, thoughts) am classified under normal or abnormal. sometimes i think i'm the former, most of the time the latter. sometimes both. never none.. =D
why is this is? is it coz i keep to myself too much when i was young, leaving everything to make-believe world, trapped in fantasies that i turn out to be who i am today? or bcause the world is changing and i am being forced to adapt, that's y i've so-called "matured and grown up?"
i think the older i get, the less qns i ask, the less things i wonder. what has happened? someone did sth to my mind? or i've restricted myself to that small area of imagination and thinking space? learning to speak up more ensures that we have lesser time to think and reflect. think that's true. when u speak, u hav less time for deep thoughts. u'll confine urself to that little space u created for analysing things during speech. u'll minimise ur concentration power and ur balance view.
is that y God gave us 2 ears and 1 mouth? does it imply that speaking uses twice the amount of energy and effort than listening? and that bcoz of this 2 main factors, speaking is less productive? i dunno.. juz some thoughts on a rainy day..
worthless yet valuable. coz it is the kinda spur-of-moment thing. if u (or i rather) managed to capture it and even record it, it is such that luck is on my side. isnt it?
[like u do, i want the best for myself too. juz tt i dun get it most of the time. maybe that's what makes us different]
maybe i'm used to being in a big family that's y sometimes when i am alone for too long, i feel weird. lonely maybe?
no doubt i appreciate and love the serene type of environment but i guess humans need constant interaction in order to survive? in order nt to sink into depression? in order not to reflect and think too much such that we drive ourself crazy? i dunno..
of course i enjoy being alone sometimes.. away from the crowd, away from the hustle and bustle of city life and i indulge in that few precious moments whereby the world seems to stop. for me, juz for me.
sometimes i wonder if i am abit too anti-social. or maybe i am escaping.. from what? i dunno. frm life maybe. wanna find a place to hide although i know that it is impossible. and the closest thing i can find is solitary.
it scares me sometimes.. wondering if i am insane, thinking if i am extraordinary, contemplating if i (my personality, behaviour, actions, thoughts) am classified under normal or abnormal. sometimes i think i'm the former, most of the time the latter. sometimes both. never none.. =D
why is this is? is it coz i keep to myself too much when i was young, leaving everything to make-believe world, trapped in fantasies that i turn out to be who i am today? or bcause the world is changing and i am being forced to adapt, that's y i've so-called "matured and grown up?"
i think the older i get, the less qns i ask, the less things i wonder. what has happened? someone did sth to my mind? or i've restricted myself to that small area of imagination and thinking space? learning to speak up more ensures that we have lesser time to think and reflect. think that's true. when u speak, u hav less time for deep thoughts. u'll confine urself to that little space u created for analysing things during speech. u'll minimise ur concentration power and ur balance view.
is that y God gave us 2 ears and 1 mouth? does it imply that speaking uses twice the amount of energy and effort than listening? and that bcoz of this 2 main factors, speaking is less productive? i dunno.. juz some thoughts on a rainy day..
worthless yet valuable. coz it is the kinda spur-of-moment thing. if u (or i rather) managed to capture it and even record it, it is such that luck is on my side. isnt it?
[like u do, i want the best for myself too. juz tt i dun get it most of the time. maybe that's what makes us different]
back frm temple.. gotten transport allowance..
got my transport allowance from the temple juz now.. elaine commented and asked if we shld be glad or disappointed coz the amount is much lesser than what they all thought we would get.. i am glad. at least now i know that by contributing that small bit, i am helping others with my little effort that is beneficial to the kids?... and i somehow got the feeling that the outcome is not what we expected from the few times they discussed about it.
am glad. walking in the rain. great feeling.. shimin really put in effort today and it pleased me so much to see her working out the sums herself.. and the little boy.. a great mind he's got.. and i'm happy for him. the rest are all catching up and made great improvements.. all except jasmine..
she guessed all her answers.. i made her go through one by one with me. and it took such a long time to finish the 20 qns.. but she completed and that's wat matters most. from this tuition thingy, i got to know myself more. got to test my patience and tolerance level.. got to realise how much more fortunate i am and that i can somehow show my self-worth.
received a call frm my grpmate. thot who that was.. was teaching jasming halfway and the fone vibrated.. proj meeting tml.. sianz...
Mrs Eng is quite stern. she was giving us that "yes, what do u want" look when they asked for the so-called "pay."
now that we've clarified things up, i am glad. hopes set low. that's wat i've been doing all along..
rain. washes away the rising heat. soothes the soul. brings out the emotional side of me. the feeling is back. again. hope it goes away.
am glad. walking in the rain. great feeling.. shimin really put in effort today and it pleased me so much to see her working out the sums herself.. and the little boy.. a great mind he's got.. and i'm happy for him. the rest are all catching up and made great improvements.. all except jasmine..
she guessed all her answers.. i made her go through one by one with me. and it took such a long time to finish the 20 qns.. but she completed and that's wat matters most. from this tuition thingy, i got to know myself more. got to test my patience and tolerance level.. got to realise how much more fortunate i am and that i can somehow show my self-worth.
received a call frm my grpmate. thot who that was.. was teaching jasming halfway and the fone vibrated.. proj meeting tml.. sianz...
Mrs Eng is quite stern. she was giving us that "yes, what do u want" look when they asked for the so-called "pay."
now that we've clarified things up, i am glad. hopes set low. that's wat i've been doing all along..
rain. washes away the rising heat. soothes the soul. brings out the emotional side of me. the feeling is back. again. hope it goes away.
Saturday, September 18
18th september 2004
kok tao... juz now den i realised how dirty the stand is.. imagine the "legs" of the stand clad with soil, grass and all.. maybe even some dead insects.. i only remember of the bump when i accidentally touch it. muz rub zambuk or sth.. my sis noticed... =(
will heal lah.. no big deal anyway.. doesnt mean that ugly den knock my head will become better.. like cartoon lidat..
lazy to train today. no motivation. at all. it's nt as if i dun wanna do well. who doesnt? there are factors involved.
anyway, so tired of myself. tired of seeing myself waking everyday faced with the same set of problems i started out with. tired of not being able to solve the problem, not able to gain or give constructive feedback. the only thing i can do is to grumble and blog. how great is that?
my youngest sis listening to cantonese oldies.. lolx.. and the problem? neither of us undeerstand cantonese.. lolx.. haha.. yet she can somehow sing along.. juz tt pronounciation got some prob.. (we dunno cantonese!!) but the songs are nice..
and darren.. i really dunno wat u're trying to ask juz now.. so paiseh.. communication breakdown.. but think it's me lah.. dunno wat i'm saying half the time.. and i am unable to hear wat u say.. coz of the backgrd noise.. nxt time if u all wanna use the area, juz come and check.. coz usually i cant pick up my fone during training. today juz so happen tt i'm waiting for a call.. kk .. enuff of explanation..
need to rest soon. getting weaker recently.. izzit the food i eat that's making me tired? nutrition wise?
1 more month.. mom asked me wat i want. financial or material wise.. of course i choose the former.. i guess what i want is intangible.. most of them anyway.. so how to find? where to start?
will heal lah.. no big deal anyway.. doesnt mean that ugly den knock my head will become better.. like cartoon lidat..
lazy to train today. no motivation. at all. it's nt as if i dun wanna do well. who doesnt? there are factors involved.
anyway, so tired of myself. tired of seeing myself waking everyday faced with the same set of problems i started out with. tired of not being able to solve the problem, not able to gain or give constructive feedback. the only thing i can do is to grumble and blog. how great is that?
my youngest sis listening to cantonese oldies.. lolx.. and the problem? neither of us undeerstand cantonese.. lolx.. haha.. yet she can somehow sing along.. juz tt pronounciation got some prob.. (we dunno cantonese!!) but the songs are nice..
and darren.. i really dunno wat u're trying to ask juz now.. so paiseh.. communication breakdown.. but think it's me lah.. dunno wat i'm saying half the time.. and i am unable to hear wat u say.. coz of the backgrd noise.. nxt time if u all wanna use the area, juz come and check.. coz usually i cant pick up my fone during training. today juz so happen tt i'm waiting for a call.. kk .. enuff of explanation..
need to rest soon. getting weaker recently.. izzit the food i eat that's making me tired? nutrition wise?
1 more month.. mom asked me wat i want. financial or material wise.. of course i choose the former.. i guess what i want is intangible.. most of them anyway.. so how to find? where to start?
~
gone with the wind.
we all want wat's best for ourselves. but someone has to suffer, giv in or accommodate somehow. when others make it clear that they hav no thot of compromising, all that's left for me to do is wat's best for the majority. and i find it unfair. juz because one is used to it doesnt mean that pple will giv in always. compromisation is gd enuff but u want pple to accommodate. one day it'll turn to competing and that's when things are really over.
ask if i find it a pity. of course i do. wat's worse den realising wat's wrong after everything happened?
it's tiring work. and tough on my poor heart, mind and soul. i feel as if i let myself down. as if all that wasnt meant to be if it's another side of me. but does that mean that i have to wait for my mood to turn bad in order to show the other side of me? i almost did. but i didnt.
walking across the skyway path, i tried to create excuses to facilitate understanding, minimise conflicts and miscommunication. but why am i helping others find excuses? coz i find it a need to? coz i am a busybody? coz i cant mind my own business? coz i hope others would understand y certain pple do what they did and why their actions muz be understood and forgiven?
can i juz forget it and ignore wat i hear? no, i cant. it would be unfair to others. to those who got blamed or accused, or hated for things that they supposingly and rightfully shld do. but all these are my views. shld i giv feedback? shld i not?
was contemplating whether i shld feel guilty after grumbling to shini about wat happened. decided not to. y shld i? if i dun feel gd, y cant i show feelings?
lost control juz now. slp after tt. i dunno wat happened. juz tt my bro got a shock i think.. and i'm nt apologising..
it's time i go back to slp. back to my cosy bed, my world.
we all want wat's best for ourselves. but someone has to suffer, giv in or accommodate somehow. when others make it clear that they hav no thot of compromising, all that's left for me to do is wat's best for the majority. and i find it unfair. juz because one is used to it doesnt mean that pple will giv in always. compromisation is gd enuff but u want pple to accommodate. one day it'll turn to competing and that's when things are really over.
ask if i find it a pity. of course i do. wat's worse den realising wat's wrong after everything happened?
it's tiring work. and tough on my poor heart, mind and soul. i feel as if i let myself down. as if all that wasnt meant to be if it's another side of me. but does that mean that i have to wait for my mood to turn bad in order to show the other side of me? i almost did. but i didnt.
walking across the skyway path, i tried to create excuses to facilitate understanding, minimise conflicts and miscommunication. but why am i helping others find excuses? coz i find it a need to? coz i am a busybody? coz i cant mind my own business? coz i hope others would understand y certain pple do what they did and why their actions muz be understood and forgiven?
can i juz forget it and ignore wat i hear? no, i cant. it would be unfair to others. to those who got blamed or accused, or hated for things that they supposingly and rightfully shld do. but all these are my views. shld i giv feedback? shld i not?
was contemplating whether i shld feel guilty after grumbling to shini about wat happened. decided not to. y shld i? if i dun feel gd, y cant i show feelings?
lost control juz now. slp after tt. i dunno wat happened. juz tt my bro got a shock i think.. and i'm nt apologising..
it's time i go back to slp. back to my cosy bed, my world.
Friday, September 17
menu for today
Heaven’s Soliloquy
3- Course menu
ACT I
The Stairway to Heaven
The air is cool; your steps are light…
The angels sing, as your heavenly dreams take flight…
Vichyssoise
A chilled soup, with a light creamy texture.
The leeks and shallots give a crunchy bite, while the potatoes add softness to it.
Soft, yet with a bite.
Or
Cured Ham Asparagus with Mushroom
Salty ham wrapped around sticks of sweet asparagus,
served with fresh sautéed mushrooms and salad dashed with herb vinaigrette.
Sweetness clothed in saltiness.
Hopes yet with fears.
This is the journey up the stairway to heaven.
ACT II
Seventh Heaven
The journey is long, the anticipation is wide…
But you know it’s Seventh Heaven, when you see the light..
Pan Fry Whitefish with Lemon-scented Garden Herb ratatouille
Delicate whitefish fillet, served with a lush mix of different heavenly herbs and luxurious underlining of fragrant ratatouille.
A lovely picture with a lingering fragrance.
Or
Chicken with Wild Mushroom Cream Sauce
Tender,succulent chicken breast meat with rich creamy wild mushroom sauce.
Served with savory mashed potatoes and sautéed greens.
Juicy richness, tender softness.
Luxurious, warm, succulent.
You’ve entered the Seventh Heaven.
ACT III
Floating on Cloud Nine
The music fades, as so is the light…
And all that’s left... The refreshing sweet of cloud nine…
Mint Chocolate Marble Cheesecake
Ribbons of sweet chocolate cheesecake, swirled together with stripes of Crème de Menthe.
Sweet and Refreshing. Pure.
You’re on cloud nine.
theme team project day
heaven open its doors for us today.
preparation was bad, real bad.
we worry for nth for the past few weeks. it's nt wat we think and plan about. presentation different, serving diff, estimation wrong.
but generally gd comments from pple.. i didnt do much tasting. couldnt stand the taste any longer. to me it's a bit too dry, but the sweetness is alright. Mr Joseph commented that it's too sweet. the rest of my clsmates think it's gd. so i'm contented. at least no complaints..
it's a real test of paitnece and tolerance. finally released those electrons on my way home wif shini..
gd. leave all the dirty jobs for me. things tt u dun want or dun feel like doing u leave to me huh.. offered help for help huh.. show attitude huh.. giv hints tt if u are to do it u'll quarrel huh.. will make life diff for me huh.. wat do u take me for? ur maid? it's juz tt i dun want to start a quarrel. nBz.
got burnt today. damn the hot tray. noone wanted to take it out of the "intimidating" oven. pple juz stand ard and wait for each other. AS USUAL, i take the initiative to take it out. if nt we'll have to wait for the sky to fall.. the baking tray almost slide off the bigger tray and in order to save it, stupid me accidentally touch the metal plate. and it's about 165 degree C?
numb at 1st. couldnt even feel anything.. after which that area starts to "heat up" and my whole hand turns redish.. it feels as if there's a heater generating energy inside my hand. couldnt do anything about it coz they are other things to be done and the rest of them are juz standing ard.. good.
after a looong time when i finally couldnt tahan anymore, i look for chef phua to ask for any cream for burns.. she told me "too late now" and spray that thingy which feels darn good on the skin. . it helps for about 3 mins? after tt the skin starts to heat up again. but somehow i managed to forget all about that stupid mistake until i brushed my hand across something.. and it hurts like mad again.
was real irritated and frustrated. dunno where to start complaining anyway. think juz let it be. everything is over. and i can finally sleep for ages tonight. dreaming on cloud nine.
*bashing aliens in outerspace like an imature kid who is being deprived of love, care, concern and understanding.
wAtEvEr~
preparation was bad, real bad.
we worry for nth for the past few weeks. it's nt wat we think and plan about. presentation different, serving diff, estimation wrong.
but generally gd comments from pple.. i didnt do much tasting. couldnt stand the taste any longer. to me it's a bit too dry, but the sweetness is alright. Mr Joseph commented that it's too sweet. the rest of my clsmates think it's gd. so i'm contented. at least no complaints..
it's a real test of paitnece and tolerance. finally released those electrons on my way home wif shini..
gd. leave all the dirty jobs for me. things tt u dun want or dun feel like doing u leave to me huh.. offered help for help huh.. show attitude huh.. giv hints tt if u are to do it u'll quarrel huh.. will make life diff for me huh.. wat do u take me for? ur maid? it's juz tt i dun want to start a quarrel. nBz.
got burnt today. damn the hot tray. noone wanted to take it out of the "intimidating" oven. pple juz stand ard and wait for each other. AS USUAL, i take the initiative to take it out. if nt we'll have to wait for the sky to fall.. the baking tray almost slide off the bigger tray and in order to save it, stupid me accidentally touch the metal plate. and it's about 165 degree C?
numb at 1st. couldnt even feel anything.. after which that area starts to "heat up" and my whole hand turns redish.. it feels as if there's a heater generating energy inside my hand. couldnt do anything about it coz they are other things to be done and the rest of them are juz standing ard.. good.
after a looong time when i finally couldnt tahan anymore, i look for chef phua to ask for any cream for burns.. she told me "too late now" and spray that thingy which feels darn good on the skin. . it helps for about 3 mins? after tt the skin starts to heat up again. but somehow i managed to forget all about that stupid mistake until i brushed my hand across something.. and it hurts like mad again.
was real irritated and frustrated. dunno where to start complaining anyway. think juz let it be. everything is over. and i can finally sleep for ages tonight. dreaming on cloud nine.
*bashing aliens in outerspace like an imature kid who is being deprived of love, care, concern and understanding.
wAtEvEr~
Thursday, September 16
disappointed with myself. feels stupid, as usual.
i see pple being pissed, irritated, frustrated, heck, gan cheong..
i see pple being stressed out, some pple going crazy, and some pple being indifferent.
i see myself nowhere. i cant help much. i'm in the middle. i cant speak up for either. i cant say wat i want. i cant do wat i like, i cant even try to explain my point of view. wth.
watever. it's tiring work. i got no excess energy to think anymore. all i need is a free and gd weekend. but that stupid nair got to include this assignement and presentation in the last tut.. for watever reasons i dunno..
anywa, i couldnt be bothered. couldnt be bothered abt pple who kept complaining that they have lower marks than me when they score quite well. couldnt be bothered with pple who kept asking me how when i need help myself. couldnt be bothered with pple who kept telling me that they did something wrong somewhere, couldnt be bothered with pple who couldnt be bothered anyway. couldnt be bothered with me.
anyway, as long as i survive tml. TGIF. it's here. the last week of school. how i look forward to it. may the exams come faster and end sooner.
and i'm brain dead over the stupid dessert for tomorrow. stupid cheesecake. i cant stand it anymore.
i see pple being pissed, irritated, frustrated, heck, gan cheong..
i see pple being stressed out, some pple going crazy, and some pple being indifferent.
i see myself nowhere. i cant help much. i'm in the middle. i cant speak up for either. i cant say wat i want. i cant do wat i like, i cant even try to explain my point of view. wth.
watever. it's tiring work. i got no excess energy to think anymore. all i need is a free and gd weekend. but that stupid nair got to include this assignement and presentation in the last tut.. for watever reasons i dunno..
anywa, i couldnt be bothered. couldnt be bothered abt pple who kept complaining that they have lower marks than me when they score quite well. couldnt be bothered with pple who kept asking me how when i need help myself. couldnt be bothered with pple who kept telling me that they did something wrong somewhere, couldnt be bothered with pple who couldnt be bothered anyway. couldnt be bothered with me.
anyway, as long as i survive tml. TGIF. it's here. the last week of school. how i look forward to it. may the exams come faster and end sooner.
and i'm brain dead over the stupid dessert for tomorrow. stupid cheesecake. i cant stand it anymore.
Wednesday, September 15
enuff slp makes a person clearheaded
i missed The Hour Glass International Premier Watches Exhibition cum Conference.. was reading and deleting my mails and i saw that.. read about it in the straits times sometimes back and wanted to go and take a look at all those exquisite watches but the exhibition was not opened to the public i think..
ching: it's been awhile since we last go kbox and shout right? it's high time we do so soon ya.. after the exams k.. things are driving me mad.. but i've learnt to heck. maybe u shld too? dun think abt too many things at once coz u'll be occupied with negative thoughts and drive yourself to insanity.. cheer up k although i know it's real hard. relax although i know u already are. i cant promise but i'll try to be there when u need a shoulder to cry on and when u need a friend to rely on.. take real good care of yourself k. exams coming.. juz hang on for another week or 2 and you'll be free..
hmm.. i slept at 11 ytd and woke up at 9.30.. feels real good,.. maybe u can try resting abit more? coz sleeping shuts u away from everything (okay.. most things,...) and calms ur mind (except nightmares..).. a good outlet for charging and storing energy to face tomorrow..
read Life section of the straits times.. josh is inside.. hmm.. all those things in the article i know liao.. nth much.. but comparing to that monster-killing-with-drug chow.. i think it's called the faculty or sth.. he's looking so much better.. lolx.. that time abit too boyish.. haha.. okie. enuff of my nonsense.. shall stop here and continue to do sth more productive..
it seems as though i am the only one who failed culi quiz.. lolx.. heard the rest talking abt it.. and guess i really dun hav any common sense? watever~
sian. couldnt find my DISC profiling.. my 2 disc profiling.. so sian..... haizz.. it disappeared when i want to refer.. did my mom throw them away? :(
guess i need to sleep more and blog less.. slack less and rest more. and when can i ever have the time to enjoy? to not worry about things and juz breeze thru life?
and the stupid casino thingy.. i am so against the building of a casino.. pple's perception usually dun tally with the real thing.. it doesnt boost our economy.. i've read enuff articles while doing my research.. forget it,, if pple wanna gamle, they'll anchor at "nowhere" or go to genting.. maybe las vegas if they have the money..
tired mentally. need time off. maybe it's time i clear my annual leave?
ching: it's been awhile since we last go kbox and shout right? it's high time we do so soon ya.. after the exams k.. things are driving me mad.. but i've learnt to heck. maybe u shld too? dun think abt too many things at once coz u'll be occupied with negative thoughts and drive yourself to insanity.. cheer up k although i know it's real hard. relax although i know u already are. i cant promise but i'll try to be there when u need a shoulder to cry on and when u need a friend to rely on.. take real good care of yourself k. exams coming.. juz hang on for another week or 2 and you'll be free..
hmm.. i slept at 11 ytd and woke up at 9.30.. feels real good,.. maybe u can try resting abit more? coz sleeping shuts u away from everything (okay.. most things,...) and calms ur mind (except nightmares..).. a good outlet for charging and storing energy to face tomorrow..
read Life section of the straits times.. josh is inside.. hmm.. all those things in the article i know liao.. nth much.. but comparing to that monster-killing-with-drug chow.. i think it's called the faculty or sth.. he's looking so much better.. lolx.. that time abit too boyish.. haha.. okie. enuff of my nonsense.. shall stop here and continue to do sth more productive..
it seems as though i am the only one who failed culi quiz.. lolx.. heard the rest talking abt it.. and guess i really dun hav any common sense? watever~
sian. couldnt find my DISC profiling.. my 2 disc profiling.. so sian..... haizz.. it disappeared when i want to refer.. did my mom throw them away? :(
guess i need to sleep more and blog less.. slack less and rest more. and when can i ever have the time to enjoy? to not worry about things and juz breeze thru life?
and the stupid casino thingy.. i am so against the building of a casino.. pple's perception usually dun tally with the real thing.. it doesnt boost our economy.. i've read enuff articles while doing my research.. forget it,, if pple wanna gamle, they'll anchor at "nowhere" or go to genting.. maybe las vegas if they have the money..
tired mentally. need time off. maybe it's time i clear my annual leave?
Monday, September 13
went thru the proposal with eve and Ms Daga. proud of the work we did. we kept focusing and zooming in on the theme because we love it!
anyway, went to parkway wif eve after lec and meeting the chefs.. we were supposed to get certain stuff ourselves, one including eggs!! cold storage is out oof eggs, the whole shelf is empty except this one pathetic half a dozen of centuary eggs.. lolx.. went Giant and JUZ NICE they stocking up on eggs!! and i feel so much like an auntie today.. we got the eggs we needed, paid and went to ahve pastamania for dinner.. sit there and chat for over an hr.. juz sitting there and talking abt ourselves.. sharing what we have and wat we think.. it's nice ya.. sth diff from the usual after-sch-rish-to-do-project-or-go-home-rest-routine..
realised alot of similiarities between the 2 of us.. and we both realised the severity of perception.. anyway, u all wont know.. no point me elaborating here ya..
realised y the dessert didnt turn out well that day.. because the 4 of us stupid never check the oven clearly.. it was set to grilling instead of cooking.. that's y the cake didnt turn out okay.. lolx.. feel so damn stupid!!
i juz hope things turn out well this friday.. the chefs including Daga seem to hav high hopes on this batch.. and i really dun want to disappoint them.. said alot of stuff during OB tut.. new tutor.. maybe coz only half the cls turned up.. quite enthu today.. but that tutor killed all my brain cells by making me think!! she even elaborated on MCQs.. made us all so exhausted.. but i learn so much more from her..
played games during culi lec.. 13 turned up from my batch.. 5 classes.. abt 65 pple.. only 13 turned up!! i was supposed to act like chef phua.. so easy to guess.. lolx.. had fun.
it has been quite awhile since i feel like this.. sheer enjoyment.. guess i'm easily contented, sometimes.. pray real hard that the cheesecake turn out well.. really dun want any problems at the last moment!!
told eve sth in the past. feel great after saying it. sth like an outlet.. thanks eve.. dunno whether u'll read this anot.. guess not.. coz u dun check half as often as i blog.. lolx..
failed my quiz.. they were saying that it was easy. couldnt fail coz it's all common sense.. okie.. i admit.. i dun hav common sense.. that's y i failed? lolx.. couldnt be bothered.. juz heck.. too tired to bother anyway.. k le.. gotta start on my reflection le.. arbo my portfolio empty.. nitez pple.
btw, do u all think that things always clash when u dun want them to? wrong timing all the time. i dunno y.. i think so.
anyway, went to parkway wif eve after lec and meeting the chefs.. we were supposed to get certain stuff ourselves, one including eggs!! cold storage is out oof eggs, the whole shelf is empty except this one pathetic half a dozen of centuary eggs.. lolx.. went Giant and JUZ NICE they stocking up on eggs!! and i feel so much like an auntie today.. we got the eggs we needed, paid and went to ahve pastamania for dinner.. sit there and chat for over an hr.. juz sitting there and talking abt ourselves.. sharing what we have and wat we think.. it's nice ya.. sth diff from the usual after-sch-rish-to-do-project-or-go-home-rest-routine..
realised alot of similiarities between the 2 of us.. and we both realised the severity of perception.. anyway, u all wont know.. no point me elaborating here ya..
realised y the dessert didnt turn out well that day.. because the 4 of us stupid never check the oven clearly.. it was set to grilling instead of cooking.. that's y the cake didnt turn out okay.. lolx.. feel so damn stupid!!
i juz hope things turn out well this friday.. the chefs including Daga seem to hav high hopes on this batch.. and i really dun want to disappoint them.. said alot of stuff during OB tut.. new tutor.. maybe coz only half the cls turned up.. quite enthu today.. but that tutor killed all my brain cells by making me think!! she even elaborated on MCQs.. made us all so exhausted.. but i learn so much more from her..
played games during culi lec.. 13 turned up from my batch.. 5 classes.. abt 65 pple.. only 13 turned up!! i was supposed to act like chef phua.. so easy to guess.. lolx.. had fun.
it has been quite awhile since i feel like this.. sheer enjoyment.. guess i'm easily contented, sometimes.. pray real hard that the cheesecake turn out well.. really dun want any problems at the last moment!!
told eve sth in the past. feel great after saying it. sth like an outlet.. thanks eve.. dunno whether u'll read this anot.. guess not.. coz u dun check half as often as i blog.. lolx..
failed my quiz.. they were saying that it was easy. couldnt fail coz it's all common sense.. okie.. i admit.. i dun hav common sense.. that's y i failed? lolx.. couldnt be bothered.. juz heck.. too tired to bother anyway.. k le.. gotta start on my reflection le.. arbo my portfolio empty.. nitez pple.
btw, do u all think that things always clash when u dun want them to? wrong timing all the time. i dunno y.. i think so.
Sunday, September 12
i need a bit of magic in my life..
ate at fortunate restaurant today.. 我喜欢幸福饮茶..
got irritated by this kid during tuition today.. she didnt even want to try. her work is way behind the rest of the class.. the rest of them did section A of maths paper, the whole english paper, plus continue section B maths paper.. and she's still stuck at section A maths.. wat's best is that 2 more lessons to the end of this tuition thingy..
so many things to do, so little time. i need 1 more day to rest!
i need a bit of magic in my life.. juz a tiny bit..
was talking to my mom ytd and before i could say anything more, she replied with "anything to do with money dun tell me."
yeah.. how great.. so many things to buy, so little money.. and communication breakdown again. damn. eve going crazy right now, i guess. we all thot we're lucky to get sponsors for that. end up someone THOT we're faking the sponsorship.. so now e have to TRY to find money somewhere to cover up the cost. and how the hell would we get money? the 2 of us will help.. but how much can we save from eggs, flour and sugar? damn. really waste of time.. she agreed, and we ALL thot that everything is fine. how great. it all ends up with the 2 of us doing all the work again. and if it fails, who gets all the blame? u know the answer..
hope jo confirms the thing with me real soon. may it be late oct. i really cant stand this any longer.. i'm very afraid i'll go crazy or explode in front of others.. get away. frm familiarity.
not be me.
got irritated by this kid during tuition today.. she didnt even want to try. her work is way behind the rest of the class.. the rest of them did section A of maths paper, the whole english paper, plus continue section B maths paper.. and she's still stuck at section A maths.. wat's best is that 2 more lessons to the end of this tuition thingy..
so many things to do, so little time. i need 1 more day to rest!
i need a bit of magic in my life.. juz a tiny bit..
was talking to my mom ytd and before i could say anything more, she replied with "anything to do with money dun tell me."
yeah.. how great.. so many things to buy, so little money.. and communication breakdown again. damn. eve going crazy right now, i guess. we all thot we're lucky to get sponsors for that. end up someone THOT we're faking the sponsorship.. so now e have to TRY to find money somewhere to cover up the cost. and how the hell would we get money? the 2 of us will help.. but how much can we save from eggs, flour and sugar? damn. really waste of time.. she agreed, and we ALL thot that everything is fine. how great. it all ends up with the 2 of us doing all the work again. and if it fails, who gets all the blame? u know the answer..
hope jo confirms the thing with me real soon. may it be late oct. i really cant stand this any longer.. i'm very afraid i'll go crazy or explode in front of others.. get away. frm familiarity.
not be me.
Saturday, September 11
fell asleep before 72 turns out of the interchange and didnt wake up till block 11..
sorry darren.. really didnt know that was you..
ate dinner wif the archery peeps.. PDP finally over.. the 1st batch.. most of them CMI.. i think i'm worse..
shot rather badly. my self-talk didnt work, esp recently. realised i have totally no drive to excel coz i know i can never beat myself. and no matter how i try, i can never be better than the rest.
for the whole training, i only shot 2 decent ends. one of which my prep tok works amazingly well coz i only hav 1 thot on my mind. the other time was when the rest of the team was selecting pple and there were only 2 other pple on the line, with TJ correcting GW and aishah. actually didnt want to shoot, but told myself that today is the last training b4 exams start so i have to make use of the time to shoot. and that was when YS asked me if i'm shooting again and i told him that is my last end. he replied that there IS NO last end. every end is the LAST end and suddenly wat he said makes sense. THAT is the correct mentality and i know it. juz tt i am nt able to act upon that state of mind.
concentration span darn short these few days. after awhile, i'll stone.
can someone motivate me? i need lots of motivation. in all areas of my life. someone was saying that in life, my power is 40. but i think that i only have abt 2? haizz..
being the eldest in a big family sometimes sux. certain things i have to consider long term. like purchases.. it's nt that i'm complaining, well i am, but i'm nt saying that i dun want to be who i am now. juz tt sometimes i couldnt help being tempted.
wat i can do with $1000? wat i can do with $2500? give me that sum of money and i see what i can do with it. was thinking of how i would spend the money IF i have it. and u know what? i got absolutely no idea. will i go all out and spend on sth that i really really like? i dun think so. plan. plan and plan.
ability, desire and willingness are not enough to explain why u must get something. consider other factors plz.
maybe this attitude made me into an indecisive person.
dental appointment in the morning. gotta book another time to extract that wisdom tooth. operation. frankly speaking, i wasnt as afraid compared to how irritated i was in the morning when the dentist told me that i cannot do consultation, polishing and operation in one day. muz fix another appointment. damn. wate of time. make me wake up so early, so tired.
saw this ger that looks like me on friday. didnt want to admit it at first. until viy saw her too and told me about it. looks like. even the feeling is similar. she feels like me. NO. correction. she feels more like me than me. dun think u all understand but well, juz wat i want to say.
i need to get into the correct mindset before i can improve. if i dun get out, i can never go on. i find myself in a hole. but i cant seem to stop digging. someone help?
no doubt i feel disappointed when i heard what they say last week, although i know that was the case. ma nah buay sad?
actually i am someone who is very easy to understand. it's juz tt others dun think so.
and i'm sick of myself.
sick and tired, sick and tired, sick and tired, of myself. of school, of things, of life.
sorry darren.. really didnt know that was you..
ate dinner wif the archery peeps.. PDP finally over.. the 1st batch.. most of them CMI.. i think i'm worse..
shot rather badly. my self-talk didnt work, esp recently. realised i have totally no drive to excel coz i know i can never beat myself. and no matter how i try, i can never be better than the rest.
for the whole training, i only shot 2 decent ends. one of which my prep tok works amazingly well coz i only hav 1 thot on my mind. the other time was when the rest of the team was selecting pple and there were only 2 other pple on the line, with TJ correcting GW and aishah. actually didnt want to shoot, but told myself that today is the last training b4 exams start so i have to make use of the time to shoot. and that was when YS asked me if i'm shooting again and i told him that is my last end. he replied that there IS NO last end. every end is the LAST end and suddenly wat he said makes sense. THAT is the correct mentality and i know it. juz tt i am nt able to act upon that state of mind.
concentration span darn short these few days. after awhile, i'll stone.
can someone motivate me? i need lots of motivation. in all areas of my life. someone was saying that in life, my power is 40. but i think that i only have abt 2? haizz..
being the eldest in a big family sometimes sux. certain things i have to consider long term. like purchases.. it's nt that i'm complaining, well i am, but i'm nt saying that i dun want to be who i am now. juz tt sometimes i couldnt help being tempted.
wat i can do with $1000? wat i can do with $2500? give me that sum of money and i see what i can do with it. was thinking of how i would spend the money IF i have it. and u know what? i got absolutely no idea. will i go all out and spend on sth that i really really like? i dun think so. plan. plan and plan.
ability, desire and willingness are not enough to explain why u must get something. consider other factors plz.
maybe this attitude made me into an indecisive person.
dental appointment in the morning. gotta book another time to extract that wisdom tooth. operation. frankly speaking, i wasnt as afraid compared to how irritated i was in the morning when the dentist told me that i cannot do consultation, polishing and operation in one day. muz fix another appointment. damn. wate of time. make me wake up so early, so tired.
saw this ger that looks like me on friday. didnt want to admit it at first. until viy saw her too and told me about it. looks like. even the feeling is similar. she feels like me. NO. correction. she feels more like me than me. dun think u all understand but well, juz wat i want to say.
i need to get into the correct mindset before i can improve. if i dun get out, i can never go on. i find myself in a hole. but i cant seem to stop digging. someone help?
no doubt i feel disappointed when i heard what they say last week, although i know that was the case. ma nah buay sad?
actually i am someone who is very easy to understand. it's juz tt others dun think so.
and i'm sick of myself.
sick and tired, sick and tired, sick and tired, of myself. of school, of things, of life.
Friday, September 10
stupidity is the real culprit!
feel naive, and stupid.
stupidity killed the cat but curiosity was framed.
watever~
thanks to Viy for indirectly showing me how idiotic i am to believe pple that easily and applying the phrase "Seeing is believing," while in actual fact it's not. didnt want to say much. dunno how to start either.
was thinking abt stuff juz now and suddenly, this came to my mind:
[actually the kinda person that i dislike most is the type of person i am, now]
dun ask me why. i wont explain.
i think my mind only works with a certain amount of energy. when i focus on somethings, i'll miss out on others. when i look at the positive side too often, seeing only pple's gd points and exclude their flaws, i think i've a blind spot. blind spot for my own flaws and theirs. that is when viy comes in and correct my perception errors.
many a time, i overlooked certain things, or ignore things that i am not comfortable with.. and that is a mega disadvantage. when i refuse to acknowledge that certain things are bothering me, i am operating on an ignorant self, a being that tries too hard to see things in beautiful light.
very long nv tok to cherrie le.. today, she came out of the gym to chat with me. chatting with an old friend is a good feeling. it brings back the comfortable topics, and how we react to each other's responses and all. straightforward gal, she is. and i like that. only from pple like her that i find that actually strangers aint that scary. they dun go ard with false pretenses (although most if not all pple does) and involving me in the game that i cant seem to get out. and i dun like it.
smiling when i dun want to is easy, but somehow it affects me. but i only have 2 choices. to affect myself or the pple ard me, and i choose the former. trying too hard has already became part of me, part of the "usual" self that pple see everyday. but beyond that facade, who knows? in OB lec, i learnt abt the 4 windows. and i think my hidden self is bigger than my open self. or maybe it's not. the fact that i'm willing to say all these here shows that i'm operating with my open self. but what is real? izzit some kinda thing that we train ourselves into? some pple say that we are most real when noone else is looking. but what am i when there is nobody ard me? i'm still me. simple as that. i think abt things and ponder similar stuff with and without pple ard. so that doesnt matter. maybe my true self and "fake" self are the same? or maybe i'm able to adapt to the different circumstances in life? or maybe i dunno.
came across this article about an interview with jolin cai.. used to think that she is juz some cutsey girl wannabe and dun really hav her own opinions and views. but i was so wrong. after reading that article, i see her in a whole new light. some of the things she says mirror what i feel. and i'm every so glad to realise that. it's as if i found some gold in the middle of a mag. it makes more sense reflecting on what she says than looking at the advertisements and thinking of when i would have the money to get those over-budget things that i want..
things happen for a reason. and i believe in that. is that some kinda hint that i shld continue with who i am without changing?
i'm a fickle minded person. i've juz decided to change my so-called "vision and mission."
i'm becoming rude-er. dun hate that and dun like that. shocked cetain pple, who juz opened their eyes real wide when i say or do certain stuff that i normally dun do in front of them. is that all? all it takes is some usual reaction and pple make a big hoo-ha out of it. if it doesnt concern u, juz ignore me.
stupidity killed the cat but curiosity was framed.
watever~
thanks to Viy for indirectly showing me how idiotic i am to believe pple that easily and applying the phrase "Seeing is believing," while in actual fact it's not. didnt want to say much. dunno how to start either.
was thinking abt stuff juz now and suddenly, this came to my mind:
[actually the kinda person that i dislike most is the type of person i am, now]
dun ask me why. i wont explain.
i think my mind only works with a certain amount of energy. when i focus on somethings, i'll miss out on others. when i look at the positive side too often, seeing only pple's gd points and exclude their flaws, i think i've a blind spot. blind spot for my own flaws and theirs. that is when viy comes in and correct my perception errors.
many a time, i overlooked certain things, or ignore things that i am not comfortable with.. and that is a mega disadvantage. when i refuse to acknowledge that certain things are bothering me, i am operating on an ignorant self, a being that tries too hard to see things in beautiful light.
very long nv tok to cherrie le.. today, she came out of the gym to chat with me. chatting with an old friend is a good feeling. it brings back the comfortable topics, and how we react to each other's responses and all. straightforward gal, she is. and i like that. only from pple like her that i find that actually strangers aint that scary. they dun go ard with false pretenses (although most if not all pple does) and involving me in the game that i cant seem to get out. and i dun like it.
smiling when i dun want to is easy, but somehow it affects me. but i only have 2 choices. to affect myself or the pple ard me, and i choose the former. trying too hard has already became part of me, part of the "usual" self that pple see everyday. but beyond that facade, who knows? in OB lec, i learnt abt the 4 windows. and i think my hidden self is bigger than my open self. or maybe it's not. the fact that i'm willing to say all these here shows that i'm operating with my open self. but what is real? izzit some kinda thing that we train ourselves into? some pple say that we are most real when noone else is looking. but what am i when there is nobody ard me? i'm still me. simple as that. i think abt things and ponder similar stuff with and without pple ard. so that doesnt matter. maybe my true self and "fake" self are the same? or maybe i'm able to adapt to the different circumstances in life? or maybe i dunno.
came across this article about an interview with jolin cai.. used to think that she is juz some cutsey girl wannabe and dun really hav her own opinions and views. but i was so wrong. after reading that article, i see her in a whole new light. some of the things she says mirror what i feel. and i'm every so glad to realise that. it's as if i found some gold in the middle of a mag. it makes more sense reflecting on what she says than looking at the advertisements and thinking of when i would have the money to get those over-budget things that i want..
things happen for a reason. and i believe in that. is that some kinda hint that i shld continue with who i am without changing?
i'm a fickle minded person. i've juz decided to change my so-called "vision and mission."
i'm becoming rude-er. dun hate that and dun like that. shocked cetain pple, who juz opened their eyes real wide when i say or do certain stuff that i normally dun do in front of them. is that all? all it takes is some usual reaction and pple make a big hoo-ha out of it. if it doesnt concern u, juz ignore me.
Thursday, September 9
thurs
ate at plaza parkroyal ytd.. QY got a grand bdae.. one section of the place booked by her.. for her bdae celebration.. although she claims that it's "shabbier" than her very rich cousin who is the same age as us, i feel that it's grand enuff.. big big cake, food for abt 50 pple? her relatives, friends? pple wishing her happy belated bdae and prezzies.. even the restaurant captain gave her sth..
this, compared to the 3 of us, makes a whole lot of difference.. her cousin can afford to hold a 18th bdae celebration at some 5 star hotel ballroom, inviting lots and lots of pple and that cake alone cost $400!! i cannot imagine what her 21st bdae celebration is going to be like..
i wore biz suit there coz i rushed down after sch to meet YP.. i looked like a 25 yr-old-executive bringing my younger sister out.. and i so totally blend in the working crowd.. they asked me if i got to wear that everyday in school.. god bless.. NO..
i dunno wat happened. some moments i blend in, fit into the environment, enjoying food under the good lighting and cosy ambience. another moment i feel out of place beside that table ful of laughs and chatter.. i think it's me. not them. so long nv meet up le.. happy.. but in the meantime, i cannot seem to take in all the changes i've seen or feel. different in more ways. maybe more obvious. maybe i'm juz ignoring those things in the past.
reached home ral late. tired to the max. almost couldnt wake up in the morning. my body and mind procrastinating.. i dragged myself outta the cosy bed. "outfit" for today really CMI. even i think so. couldnt be bothered anyway. know that i look horrible but somehow, that doesnt affect me. i dunno why. i know i shld, but i'm not. sth wrong?
applied class test today. pray for a pass.. i dunno how to do all 3 qns.. God bless..
the dessert today CMI again.. the oven is diff frm the sch's.. and the cheesecake turned out to be some horribl luncheon meat colour coz we added some "high cls cocoa powder from switzerland".. haizz.. dunno..
ate sakae for dinner. no chawanmushi. service was bad. very slow.only 2 staff running the whole restaurant. and the manager got to go into the kitchen to help out..
char asked me who muz stay the same coz of my nick. i find it amusing that she even bother to ask. usually she doesnt, unless it's sth "fishy".. maybe it's juz me.. maybe i'm becoming more sensitive to my surroundings or maybe i've been blocking wat i dun want to see in the past and now i sort of "unblock" that.. i dunno..
BL thinking of wat to do for her bdae this yr.. thinking of where to celebrate.. YP was telling her tt my bdae comes b4 hers.. i told BL nvm.. juz think of wat she wants to do for her bdae and we plan. i dun really care abt my bdae.. i'm not excited.. nt excited at all.. is sth wrong with me? i thot most pple will be nervous or what and really look forward to that age. i'm not. really. last yr also lidat.. 17 and 18.. isnt that juz a figure? who cares anyway.. it's juz another day. not special to me. guess i'm juz one of those pple who will forget their own birthdays.. not exactly forget, but wont plan abt that "big" day.. maybe this yr i'll buy myself sth i like.. since i'll be doing that in the future anyway..
this, compared to the 3 of us, makes a whole lot of difference.. her cousin can afford to hold a 18th bdae celebration at some 5 star hotel ballroom, inviting lots and lots of pple and that cake alone cost $400!! i cannot imagine what her 21st bdae celebration is going to be like..
i wore biz suit there coz i rushed down after sch to meet YP.. i looked like a 25 yr-old-executive bringing my younger sister out.. and i so totally blend in the working crowd.. they asked me if i got to wear that everyday in school.. god bless.. NO..
i dunno wat happened. some moments i blend in, fit into the environment, enjoying food under the good lighting and cosy ambience. another moment i feel out of place beside that table ful of laughs and chatter.. i think it's me. not them. so long nv meet up le.. happy.. but in the meantime, i cannot seem to take in all the changes i've seen or feel. different in more ways. maybe more obvious. maybe i'm juz ignoring those things in the past.
reached home ral late. tired to the max. almost couldnt wake up in the morning. my body and mind procrastinating.. i dragged myself outta the cosy bed. "outfit" for today really CMI. even i think so. couldnt be bothered anyway. know that i look horrible but somehow, that doesnt affect me. i dunno why. i know i shld, but i'm not. sth wrong?
applied class test today. pray for a pass.. i dunno how to do all 3 qns.. God bless..
the dessert today CMI again.. the oven is diff frm the sch's.. and the cheesecake turned out to be some horribl luncheon meat colour coz we added some "high cls cocoa powder from switzerland".. haizz.. dunno..
ate sakae for dinner. no chawanmushi. service was bad. very slow.only 2 staff running the whole restaurant. and the manager got to go into the kitchen to help out..
char asked me who muz stay the same coz of my nick. i find it amusing that she even bother to ask. usually she doesnt, unless it's sth "fishy".. maybe it's juz me.. maybe i'm becoming more sensitive to my surroundings or maybe i've been blocking wat i dun want to see in the past and now i sort of "unblock" that.. i dunno..
BL thinking of wat to do for her bdae this yr.. thinking of where to celebrate.. YP was telling her tt my bdae comes b4 hers.. i told BL nvm.. juz think of wat she wants to do for her bdae and we plan. i dun really care abt my bdae.. i'm not excited.. nt excited at all.. is sth wrong with me? i thot most pple will be nervous or what and really look forward to that age. i'm not. really. last yr also lidat.. 17 and 18.. isnt that juz a figure? who cares anyway.. it's juz another day. not special to me. guess i'm juz one of those pple who will forget their own birthdays.. not exactly forget, but wont plan abt that "big" day.. maybe this yr i'll buy myself sth i like.. since i'll be doing that in the future anyway..
Sunday, September 5
CHILLED. REFLECT. SLACK.
i told a lie.
didnt want them to think too much, dun want to spoil their gd moods.
give and take. when muz i give and when shld i recieve?
i'm a kid, a kid viying for that something that i think i deserve.
a kid trying to lead the way,
a kid that must not step out of line.
a kid that is struggling to keep up with others,
a kid who has almost given up hope.
a kid who knows nothing abt everything and
a kid who needs a piggyback, desperately.
leaving everything as it is. am i happier that way? can i go on? will i hate myself for doing so? really. as much as i hate myself for being such an idiot, at least i sort-of said wat i meant, although it doesnt sound convincing, yet it's better than shutting up in my own world, feeling trapped.
i am not afraid of confined space. of being trapped, coz i'm used to it. maybe that explains why i love space, y i adore the roomy environment. being claustrophobic is so not me, and never i will be. and i know why i love certain things in life. i always feel out of control. therefore when i am in control, i feel good. that is why i love sports. past, present and future.
the feeling of being in control. it means that for a split moment, i am confident, at ease and being myself. i hate the feeling of losing control. as i get physically weaker, i'll begin to doubt myself. and when that happens, will my world goes haywire? will i start to lose control? wat would become of me in the end?
wat is happiness? was reading reader's digest and i came across this comment "all happy pple are grateful pple, and all unhappy pple are ungrateful. if u want to be happy, be grateful for what u have. this does not mean u cannot search for more. it means that if u allow the search to dominate, then u will be unhappy." and i think that it's damn right. so does that make me an ungrateful person? for majority of the time?
in reflective mode again, in this kinda weather.
was chatting with a fren sometime back then and we asked abt each other's life. how we're doing and such. i asked abt IVP and my fren in turn asked abt archery. was feeling rather down that period and said that i wasnt doing well at all. all i need back then was to trust myself again. i juz couldnt. i need a helping hand. that is when my fren said "well, u'll will do well the next time. surely one." and as usual, i begin to doubt the words. was still saying that my fren sound more confident that me. "cuz i noe u can do it de. ur a gd sport woman." was wat my fren replied. simple words, maximun effect. i was ever so grateful. those words make me rethink abt my ability again. and i realised that i am not hopeless, YET. someone who trust u more than u trust yourself. i think in life, we need such friends. pple ard us that make our existence special, make us feel proud to be us. pple who believe that we can do it. and it is for them that we do things and the phrase "shared happiness is happiness doubled" comes into effect. by achieving sth and sharing the joy with others, u'll feel happy and pple will be happy for you. it is thru all these that life goes on, with support from those around us.
$$ matters:
most of the pple ard me comes from well-to-do-family, or hav more spending power than my family. sometimes, it sort of gets into my nerves that life is so unfair. money does matters. especially when i am broke. nt really that broke, but have a tight budget. and it sux. imagine wanting to eat sth real nice but i have to consider whether my allowance will last till my nxt "pay day." and it bothers me if someone complains that she doesnt hav money when apparently, u know that they splurge on things without battering an eyelid. bought sth ex that i dun really need ytd. and i feel damn good abt spending that amt of money. was walking alone in TM amongst the crowd after training all sweaty with my big bag. the more i walk, the worse my "imagined" headache became. thus i decided to juz spend a sum of money to "cure" that "illness." true enuff, it did. money is very impt in such cases. it was till i reached home den i realised tt my pay day is sometime away.. lolx..
was thinking abt this i-am-broke-mindset and struggling to face reality. i am not born with a silver spoon, nor am i born to a family whereby we cant even meet the basic survival needs and having to worry when i can get my next meal. only on days whereby i am grateful and contented will i thot of such stuff. and this is what i came up with.
[i am glad and ever so grateful that i am born into a wealthy family. this family of mine has abundant love, care and concern. bountiful affections, ample joy and happiness, and never ending support and encouragement. and these are all i need in life. i am rich. much richer than alot of pple i know.]
with siblings come endless quarrel, scolding, bickering, jealousy, and such.
but all these brings infinite possibilities of delight, enjoyment, and allow me to learn how to be more :patient, considerate, giving, sharing, tolerant, disciplined, loving, practical, contented blah blah..
the possibilities are endless.. sounds familiar? hmm.. dunno where i hear it from..
actually i dun mind my house being a museum, as long as it is filled with joy and laughter, with smiles and unspoken love, with care and comfort. with them.
that's all i ask for. really.
didnt want them to think too much, dun want to spoil their gd moods.
give and take. when muz i give and when shld i recieve?
i'm a kid, a kid viying for that something that i think i deserve.
a kid trying to lead the way,
a kid that must not step out of line.
a kid that is struggling to keep up with others,
a kid who has almost given up hope.
a kid who knows nothing abt everything and
a kid who needs a piggyback, desperately.
leaving everything as it is. am i happier that way? can i go on? will i hate myself for doing so? really. as much as i hate myself for being such an idiot, at least i sort-of said wat i meant, although it doesnt sound convincing, yet it's better than shutting up in my own world, feeling trapped.
i am not afraid of confined space. of being trapped, coz i'm used to it. maybe that explains why i love space, y i adore the roomy environment. being claustrophobic is so not me, and never i will be. and i know why i love certain things in life. i always feel out of control. therefore when i am in control, i feel good. that is why i love sports. past, present and future.
the feeling of being in control. it means that for a split moment, i am confident, at ease and being myself. i hate the feeling of losing control. as i get physically weaker, i'll begin to doubt myself. and when that happens, will my world goes haywire? will i start to lose control? wat would become of me in the end?
wat is happiness? was reading reader's digest and i came across this comment "all happy pple are grateful pple, and all unhappy pple are ungrateful. if u want to be happy, be grateful for what u have. this does not mean u cannot search for more. it means that if u allow the search to dominate, then u will be unhappy." and i think that it's damn right. so does that make me an ungrateful person? for majority of the time?
in reflective mode again, in this kinda weather.
was chatting with a fren sometime back then and we asked abt each other's life. how we're doing and such. i asked abt IVP and my fren in turn asked abt archery. was feeling rather down that period and said that i wasnt doing well at all. all i need back then was to trust myself again. i juz couldnt. i need a helping hand. that is when my fren said "well, u'll will do well the next time. surely one." and as usual, i begin to doubt the words. was still saying that my fren sound more confident that me. "cuz i noe u can do it de. ur a gd sport woman." was wat my fren replied. simple words, maximun effect. i was ever so grateful. those words make me rethink abt my ability again. and i realised that i am not hopeless, YET. someone who trust u more than u trust yourself. i think in life, we need such friends. pple ard us that make our existence special, make us feel proud to be us. pple who believe that we can do it. and it is for them that we do things and the phrase "shared happiness is happiness doubled" comes into effect. by achieving sth and sharing the joy with others, u'll feel happy and pple will be happy for you. it is thru all these that life goes on, with support from those around us.
$$ matters:
most of the pple ard me comes from well-to-do-family, or hav more spending power than my family. sometimes, it sort of gets into my nerves that life is so unfair. money does matters. especially when i am broke. nt really that broke, but have a tight budget. and it sux. imagine wanting to eat sth real nice but i have to consider whether my allowance will last till my nxt "pay day." and it bothers me if someone complains that she doesnt hav money when apparently, u know that they splurge on things without battering an eyelid. bought sth ex that i dun really need ytd. and i feel damn good abt spending that amt of money. was walking alone in TM amongst the crowd after training all sweaty with my big bag. the more i walk, the worse my "imagined" headache became. thus i decided to juz spend a sum of money to "cure" that "illness." true enuff, it did. money is very impt in such cases. it was till i reached home den i realised tt my pay day is sometime away.. lolx..
was thinking abt this i-am-broke-mindset and struggling to face reality. i am not born with a silver spoon, nor am i born to a family whereby we cant even meet the basic survival needs and having to worry when i can get my next meal. only on days whereby i am grateful and contented will i thot of such stuff. and this is what i came up with.
[i am glad and ever so grateful that i am born into a wealthy family. this family of mine has abundant love, care and concern. bountiful affections, ample joy and happiness, and never ending support and encouragement. and these are all i need in life. i am rich. much richer than alot of pple i know.]
with siblings come endless quarrel, scolding, bickering, jealousy, and such.
but all these brings infinite possibilities of delight, enjoyment, and allow me to learn how to be more :patient, considerate, giving, sharing, tolerant, disciplined, loving, practical, contented blah blah..
the possibilities are endless.. sounds familiar? hmm.. dunno where i hear it from..
actually i dun mind my house being a museum, as long as it is filled with joy and laughter, with smiles and unspoken love, with care and comfort. with them.
that's all i ask for. really.
i absolutely love the chinese calligraphy painting in the living room, the toilet upstairs and the glass house near the stairway. the ceiling is way high up and i love the spacious feel.
his mom is so unfriendly. i greeted her and she ignored me. well, nth to say.
i nv think b4 i do things. took 87 frm bedok back to hougang, den change 89 to the temple. in the end i realised that 87 goes there too. wasted. taught primary 2 kids today. they are alot brighter than the primary 3 kids that i taught last time. but noisier.
hmm.. 2 of my grpmates asked y i dun wanna let down my hair coz "gers with long hair normally let down their hair." i feel like telling them "y shld u bother? u're nt me." but decided that it sounds way too rude. hence i replied "my hair is very messy." full-stop.
i want to cut my hair. couldnt stand it. i dunno y i cant stand my hair. juz dun like it. if botak is a socially accpeted norm for gers, i'll be bald.
i need a change. this sem is ending. maybe it's time to start planning?
anyway, they were late, as usual. i was late too. late for abt 10 mins. but i was the 2nd one there. they were late. for half an hr, 1 hr, 1.5 hrs.. i'm trying not to pull all my hair out in frustration..
the weather is perfect for slouching somewhere and juz waste time right? too bad a new week has started or is starting, depending on the way u see it. feel like taking a long nap and juz throw all my other things aside. but i couldnt juz let my procrastinating nature get out right? muz be responsible. wat i need to do i muz finish first. but for now, i'll enjoy a nice cup of hot drink, den play a game or two, den start on my proj and work. so gdbye for now.
his mom is so unfriendly. i greeted her and she ignored me. well, nth to say.
i nv think b4 i do things. took 87 frm bedok back to hougang, den change 89 to the temple. in the end i realised that 87 goes there too. wasted. taught primary 2 kids today. they are alot brighter than the primary 3 kids that i taught last time. but noisier.
hmm.. 2 of my grpmates asked y i dun wanna let down my hair coz "gers with long hair normally let down their hair." i feel like telling them "y shld u bother? u're nt me." but decided that it sounds way too rude. hence i replied "my hair is very messy." full-stop.
i want to cut my hair. couldnt stand it. i dunno y i cant stand my hair. juz dun like it. if botak is a socially accpeted norm for gers, i'll be bald.
i need a change. this sem is ending. maybe it's time to start planning?
anyway, they were late, as usual. i was late too. late for abt 10 mins. but i was the 2nd one there. they were late. for half an hr, 1 hr, 1.5 hrs.. i'm trying not to pull all my hair out in frustration..
the weather is perfect for slouching somewhere and juz waste time right? too bad a new week has started or is starting, depending on the way u see it. feel like taking a long nap and juz throw all my other things aside. but i couldnt juz let my procrastinating nature get out right? muz be responsible. wat i need to do i muz finish first. but for now, i'll enjoy a nice cup of hot drink, den play a game or two, den start on my proj and work. so gdbye for now.
great news
received an absolutely fabulous news from 150+.. my long time buddy got a bf le.. YP's wif lotti now.. and i'm ever so happy for her. both of them are my primary sch mates.. =D see how the magic works? somemore diff sec sch.. how in the world would they get together? think i'd need more updates.. haha.. wed bah.. hehe
this makes the day double wonderful. it's amazing. it's happiness doubled when shared. coz today juz so happens to be my another 150+ pal's bdae. QY's old le.. suffer ageing old ger~ stay happy always.
this mark the day whereby yp's wif xiangfa like donkey yrs ago.. the same kinda situation. haha..
hmm.. thinking.. will it always be that way? 3-1?
acutally the news came as a shock. i didnt expect that combination. i was expecting peiliang, if u all wanna know, or at least someone from lasalle.. suddenly pop up lotti.. abit too extraordinary le.. sth really out of the box.
i so TOTALLY resign to fate sia.. so completely and absolutely convinced. that it'll stay that way. for a long time. even my bro has better sense than me.. lolx.. this IS a compliment boon~
this makes the day double wonderful. it's amazing. it's happiness doubled when shared. coz today juz so happens to be my another 150+ pal's bdae. QY's old le.. suffer ageing old ger~ stay happy always.
this mark the day whereby yp's wif xiangfa like donkey yrs ago.. the same kinda situation. haha..
hmm.. thinking.. will it always be that way? 3-1?
acutally the news came as a shock. i didnt expect that combination. i was expecting peiliang, if u all wanna know, or at least someone from lasalle.. suddenly pop up lotti.. abit too extraordinary le.. sth really out of the box.
i so TOTALLY resign to fate sia.. so completely and absolutely convinced. that it'll stay that way. for a long time. even my bro has better sense than me.. lolx.. this IS a compliment boon~
Saturday, September 4
PDP today. newbies in. didnt shoot much. not exactly in the mood to shoot also. was initially looking forward to today's training. but the marketing meeting abit too draggy.. end up reaching tembusu late. and to my horror, i saw this bunch of pple sitting there.. haizz..
hungry and tired. ate lays chips and a chocolate bread for lunch. many thanks to our loti supplier william and our meiji sponsor didi.
discovered alot of things today. didint hav lunch with the team. ended up chatting with the 2 of them. alot of things we muz hear from a few pple b4 we make up our minds abt certain things. if nt, the judgements that we passed would be considered unfair. now i know why. y some pple are seemingly scardey cat while others juz seemed so "entrepreneurial."
considering. am i willing to start on a new chapter of my life? can i forgo what i enjoy doing most? can i take up the risk of losing all my friends? am i able to trust myself and others to that extent? am i willing to give a shot at an opportunity that most prob wont come my way again? am i good enuff? is that really sincerity? or juz a casual remark? will the benefits outweigh the cost? do others support me in making that decision? can i give it up? shld i?
ok. enuff of crap. anyway, shaun said sth that i find amusing. so juz take it as it is. he wanted to see my arrows. so i took out my arrowtubw. he saw the tag on top. i wrote: watever_an. he wask asking what does the "an" stands for. to many, i did not disclose my so-called secret. it's nt that it's sth secretive. i juz dun want to share that special connection that i have with that word with THAT many pple. to those who know, i'll appreciate it that u all dun spread the word around when others ask. many thanks.
he was assuming that the "an" is my bf's name. and after guessing for sometime, he decided that my bf's name is andy. well, so be it. i have a bf. his name is andy. andy, say hello to my frens. thank you.
watever~ didnt even want to explain. feel that there's no need to explain. they were ALL late, as usual. i was pissed. how can i not be. i woke up juz to be there earlier than them and they hav no valid reasons to be late. if i stay so far away and yet i can be ON time, why cant those bedok and tampines pple be punctual? damn. i'm sick and tired of all these nonsense. the i-juz-woke-up, i'm-on-my-way, i'll-be-late(no reasons given).. i seriously dunno wat's their prob. i mean, juz get this proj over and done with. we're working against time and luck wasnt on our side right now. we have like 2 days more? y cant they be more task oriented? i really dun understand. i know that they hav other commitments. but does that mean that i dun? we're working together and i repeat, together. coordination is well appreciated. thank you.
sth is watching over me these few days, preventing me from breaking down i think. seriously, i got spooked quite a few times lately. when i was alone in tp toilets, in the lift, while walking.. juz feels weird. and it seem so unlikely that i am always so lucky to not miss my stop, even when i was very tired. i either woke up juz b4 the stop, at the stop or what. like today. i was damn tired. fell asleep immediatly after i board the bus. woke up immediately when the bus reached my stop, and there was a crowd waiting to board. i find it weird. how can i be so lucky? and i NEVER thot of it b4. now i know. i think my assumptions are correct. and i smile.
ok. think u all wont understand wat i've been blabbering.
jo was asking me abt the holiday trip.. i am grateful that she took up the responsibility of coordinating and planning, sourcing for prices and all..
she said this "as in de whole thing.. u still wana go, i feel lyk u dun wana go liao, or rather not interested" and suddenly i feel so irresponsible. i cant even give an answer that brings across wat i said or what i feel. i need serious coaching in communication skills. i dunno how to interact.
and i realised that i cant tear. i cant cry, i cant weep, i cant feel. is sth wrong with me? these emotions used to be strong. now they seem to juz fade into nothing. i need to get them back.
and i found out that i am too dependent, on myself. independent to the extent that i feel as if others couldnt really help me. until the point whereby doing everything myself seems so natural, so right. somehow, i think i've taken this gift and skill for granted. someone helped me, and i feel so blessed, yet so uncomfortable. as if i've become a useless person. have this independent nature got me dependent on nt relying on others? have i become a self-centeered self sufficient person? have i turned into a unfeeling person who has no concern of the world around her? someone who juz get on with her life without feeling half as much as others? and y am i toking in 3rd person? damn. i need a break.
hungry and tired. ate lays chips and a chocolate bread for lunch. many thanks to our loti supplier william and our meiji sponsor didi.
discovered alot of things today. didint hav lunch with the team. ended up chatting with the 2 of them. alot of things we muz hear from a few pple b4 we make up our minds abt certain things. if nt, the judgements that we passed would be considered unfair. now i know why. y some pple are seemingly scardey cat while others juz seemed so "entrepreneurial."
considering. am i willing to start on a new chapter of my life? can i forgo what i enjoy doing most? can i take up the risk of losing all my friends? am i able to trust myself and others to that extent? am i willing to give a shot at an opportunity that most prob wont come my way again? am i good enuff? is that really sincerity? or juz a casual remark? will the benefits outweigh the cost? do others support me in making that decision? can i give it up? shld i?
ok. enuff of crap. anyway, shaun said sth that i find amusing. so juz take it as it is. he wanted to see my arrows. so i took out my arrowtubw. he saw the tag on top. i wrote: watever_an. he wask asking what does the "an" stands for. to many, i did not disclose my so-called secret. it's nt that it's sth secretive. i juz dun want to share that special connection that i have with that word with THAT many pple. to those who know, i'll appreciate it that u all dun spread the word around when others ask. many thanks.
he was assuming that the "an" is my bf's name. and after guessing for sometime, he decided that my bf's name is andy. well, so be it. i have a bf. his name is andy. andy, say hello to my frens. thank you.
watever~ didnt even want to explain. feel that there's no need to explain. they were ALL late, as usual. i was pissed. how can i not be. i woke up juz to be there earlier than them and they hav no valid reasons to be late. if i stay so far away and yet i can be ON time, why cant those bedok and tampines pple be punctual? damn. i'm sick and tired of all these nonsense. the i-juz-woke-up, i'm-on-my-way, i'll-be-late(no reasons given).. i seriously dunno wat's their prob. i mean, juz get this proj over and done with. we're working against time and luck wasnt on our side right now. we have like 2 days more? y cant they be more task oriented? i really dun understand. i know that they hav other commitments. but does that mean that i dun? we're working together and i repeat, together. coordination is well appreciated. thank you.
sth is watching over me these few days, preventing me from breaking down i think. seriously, i got spooked quite a few times lately. when i was alone in tp toilets, in the lift, while walking.. juz feels weird. and it seem so unlikely that i am always so lucky to not miss my stop, even when i was very tired. i either woke up juz b4 the stop, at the stop or what. like today. i was damn tired. fell asleep immediatly after i board the bus. woke up immediately when the bus reached my stop, and there was a crowd waiting to board. i find it weird. how can i be so lucky? and i NEVER thot of it b4. now i know. i think my assumptions are correct. and i smile.
ok. think u all wont understand wat i've been blabbering.
jo was asking me abt the holiday trip.. i am grateful that she took up the responsibility of coordinating and planning, sourcing for prices and all..
she said this "as in de whole thing.. u still wana go, i feel lyk u dun wana go liao, or rather not interested" and suddenly i feel so irresponsible. i cant even give an answer that brings across wat i said or what i feel. i need serious coaching in communication skills. i dunno how to interact.
and i realised that i cant tear. i cant cry, i cant weep, i cant feel. is sth wrong with me? these emotions used to be strong. now they seem to juz fade into nothing. i need to get them back.
and i found out that i am too dependent, on myself. independent to the extent that i feel as if others couldnt really help me. until the point whereby doing everything myself seems so natural, so right. somehow, i think i've taken this gift and skill for granted. someone helped me, and i feel so blessed, yet so uncomfortable. as if i've become a useless person. have this independent nature got me dependent on nt relying on others? have i become a self-centeered self sufficient person? have i turned into a unfeeling person who has no concern of the world around her? someone who juz get on with her life without feeling half as much as others? and y am i toking in 3rd person? damn. i need a break.
Friday, September 3
long long entry abt today's activities. skip if u want to. nth much also. juz grumbles and more grumbles.
potage today. cooked mushroom cappaucino. my mood was alright all along until chef took away the pot of soup and i think she threw them away.. my partner eileen and i got the same thinking that the chef thot that we deliberately left over alot so that the rest of the cls can enjoy later.. but we didnt. it's 1 ladle all the way, and sometimes i even gave more den 1 ladle. the foam was the hardest to make coz the milk needs to be cold, den heat up using the device b4 creating the foam. but if the milk is warm , den we cannot make any foam.. it's really a test of patience and skills.
i was damn sad when i realised the rest of the cls culdnt enjoy the leftovers.. most of them haven even tasted the soup. moreover, the 2 of us put in so much effort to cook.. argh~
not even the comments on the feedback form can brighten up my day.. thru that stack of forms, some table commented that the soup was excellent. and only the soup got praised. the rest nv mention.
anyway, wasnt really in the mood to eat the rest of the dishes.. eileen was also quite affected by the fact that she juz took it den dispose of it somehow. i mean, that soup wasnt that easy to prepare. sweat all those ingredients, add white wine, simmer, add stock, add flour, add seasonings, add stock again, bring to boil, simmer, blend, season again, simmer. upset, upset by my effort going to waste. sadden by the work eileen and i did, saddened by chef.
watever.
i'm happy that at least 1 person appreciated the soup. that's all i ask for anyway. no doubt i feel proud. from someone who doesnt even know how to cook to someone whose cooking is being praised.
amy daga and the chefs, plus mr jospeh.. i cant stand them all... they behave like kids. worse than us. it's obvious that they cant seem to get along, they hav serious communication breakdown, they all got a mega prob. they THINK that they're great, they're always right, and noone else can change their point of view. imagine svc against culi sci. damn. really like kids. the chefs doesnt like the svc pple and the in charge for the restaurant not happy with culi side.. and i dun understand y they muz give each other faces to see everyweek, without fail. frowning every now and then, raising their voices every few minutes and shouting for pple that they are nt in charge of. like wth.
eve told me that we are allowed to change our dessert back to the orange chocolate cheesecake thingy.. i think i love that idea. after lec today, didnt even want to try to persuade my grp members to stay back to do proj.. me and huihui went ahead and did the remaining analysis, without them. we informed them but it seems like all of them got reasons, valid and invalid. i couldnt be bothered. was thinking that i juz do, den see how. and true enuff, both of us stayed back for more than an hr, juz to do the analysis, print, discuss, and divide the workload.
i could accept viy's reason. she muz travel all the way back to JB. the journey home is super long, and it's dark now. and i think all of us deserves a gd rest. huishan got sth on, but she didnt elaborate further. shini didnt stay back. when i ask her if she got any other proj meeting, she said no. i didnt qn her further. said bye and told her to enjoy the weekend.
sitting at the bus stop on my way home, i really dun feel like moving an inch. sat there hoping that the bus doesnt come that early so i can at least rest for awhile. but my wish didnt come true, as usual.
and i got one of the lousiest job i could have for the weekend. additional analysis of data for the report. like how great right? think hui also gave up. would rather do herself than get everyone together. i'm fine with that. now all they can do is to trust us. and they better do.
today's entry is filled with grumbles. although my nick says: TGIF, i wasnt THAT excited that it's the end and start of the week again. thank god it's friday. how nice. i am grateful that fri is finally here, but in the meantime, sian coz i couldnt enjoy the weekend.. *sigh
i was damn sad when i realised the rest of the cls culdnt enjoy the leftovers.. most of them haven even tasted the soup. moreover, the 2 of us put in so much effort to cook.. argh~
not even the comments on the feedback form can brighten up my day.. thru that stack of forms, some table commented that the soup was excellent. and only the soup got praised. the rest nv mention.
anyway, wasnt really in the mood to eat the rest of the dishes.. eileen was also quite affected by the fact that she juz took it den dispose of it somehow. i mean, that soup wasnt that easy to prepare. sweat all those ingredients, add white wine, simmer, add stock, add flour, add seasonings, add stock again, bring to boil, simmer, blend, season again, simmer. upset, upset by my effort going to waste. sadden by the work eileen and i did, saddened by chef.
watever.
i'm happy that at least 1 person appreciated the soup. that's all i ask for anyway. no doubt i feel proud. from someone who doesnt even know how to cook to someone whose cooking is being praised.
amy daga and the chefs, plus mr jospeh.. i cant stand them all... they behave like kids. worse than us. it's obvious that they cant seem to get along, they hav serious communication breakdown, they all got a mega prob. they THINK that they're great, they're always right, and noone else can change their point of view. imagine svc against culi sci. damn. really like kids. the chefs doesnt like the svc pple and the in charge for the restaurant not happy with culi side.. and i dun understand y they muz give each other faces to see everyweek, without fail. frowning every now and then, raising their voices every few minutes and shouting for pple that they are nt in charge of. like wth.
eve told me that we are allowed to change our dessert back to the orange chocolate cheesecake thingy.. i think i love that idea. after lec today, didnt even want to try to persuade my grp members to stay back to do proj.. me and huihui went ahead and did the remaining analysis, without them. we informed them but it seems like all of them got reasons, valid and invalid. i couldnt be bothered. was thinking that i juz do, den see how. and true enuff, both of us stayed back for more than an hr, juz to do the analysis, print, discuss, and divide the workload.
i could accept viy's reason. she muz travel all the way back to JB. the journey home is super long, and it's dark now. and i think all of us deserves a gd rest. huishan got sth on, but she didnt elaborate further. shini didnt stay back. when i ask her if she got any other proj meeting, she said no. i didnt qn her further. said bye and told her to enjoy the weekend.
sitting at the bus stop on my way home, i really dun feel like moving an inch. sat there hoping that the bus doesnt come that early so i can at least rest for awhile. but my wish didnt come true, as usual.
and i got one of the lousiest job i could have for the weekend. additional analysis of data for the report. like how great right? think hui also gave up. would rather do herself than get everyone together. i'm fine with that. now all they can do is to trust us. and they better do.
today's entry is filled with grumbles. although my nick says: TGIF, i wasnt THAT excited that it's the end and start of the week again. thank god it's friday. how nice. i am grateful that fri is finally here, but in the meantime, sian coz i couldnt enjoy the weekend.. *sigh
Thursday, September 2
OFF DAY BUT STILL GOT TO GO TO SCH AND MEET FOR FINE-DINING TRIP TO SAINT PIERRE'S
went for fine dining trip today. not exactly in the mood to elaborate now.. the fine was fine, the service sux.
anyway, was glad that i went to glenegles (spelling mistake?) to see eileen's niece.. 2 days old.. i dun dare to touch the baby.. i'm too rough. will hurt the baby..
watched a movie. bought chocolates. went home. tired.
ok. i know y i'm tired. i went to char's house for trial cooking with hui and eve coz she's the only one amongst us 4 that actually owns a baking oven. anyway, it turned out to be a great disappointment. i'm feeling very weak now.. as if i lost my strength somehow on my way home.. and i juz got the news frm nats that our marketing proj got to redo! i saw them at ard 1.. they haven even started the meeting and they were supposed to meet at 11 without me. redo everything.. and the presentation is next tuesday.. huihui's grp already completed. see how efficient we are. letter of rejection from hokkien huay kuan. sian 1/2. anyway, i was juz trying my luck and my luck went out.
these few days things not going smoothly sia.. i juz hope i can survice till next week. TGIF. really. thank god it's friday. i need a well deserved weekend, which i dun think i'll be able to rest much. and nxt week is full speed ahead.
plan:
Mon: OB presentation, meeting for marketing.
Tues: Marketing presentation, meeting for applied research.
Wed: meeting for applied, and most prob marketing again. celebrate QY's bdae at plaza after school.
Thurs: Applied class test, close book this time, meeting for marketing. do slides for submission.
Fri: saucier for fine-dining week in saffron. prepare to get scolded. deadline for marketing. most prob archery.
sat: archery
then comes AR all the way den exams.. when can i rest? after the exams? i dun think i'm able to hold out any longer.. dying terribly.. someone save me. think wat i need most for now is some muscle relaxant (heard tt it's effective..) or some sleeping pills (coz i want to go into a deep deep sleep) and uninterrupted rest, plus lots of understanding and patience frm everyone else. coz i think i'm grumpy when i dun hav enuff rest, which is like almost everyday? and moody when i nv slp enuff (isnt it the same as nt having enuff rest? watever~)
haizz.. juz get thru tml den say. i want to sleep! tml not taking 87 le. dun wanna hold all my saffron stuff and stand thruout the journey. it's taxing on my hands and legs.. think i strain my calf muscles.. it feels weird. haizz.. muz consult my bro abt tt le..
anyway, was glad that i went to glenegles (spelling mistake?) to see eileen's niece.. 2 days old.. i dun dare to touch the baby.. i'm too rough. will hurt the baby..
watched a movie. bought chocolates. went home. tired.
ok. i know y i'm tired. i went to char's house for trial cooking with hui and eve coz she's the only one amongst us 4 that actually owns a baking oven. anyway, it turned out to be a great disappointment. i'm feeling very weak now.. as if i lost my strength somehow on my way home.. and i juz got the news frm nats that our marketing proj got to redo! i saw them at ard 1.. they haven even started the meeting and they were supposed to meet at 11 without me. redo everything.. and the presentation is next tuesday.. huihui's grp already completed. see how efficient we are. letter of rejection from hokkien huay kuan. sian 1/2. anyway, i was juz trying my luck and my luck went out.
these few days things not going smoothly sia.. i juz hope i can survice till next week. TGIF. really. thank god it's friday. i need a well deserved weekend, which i dun think i'll be able to rest much. and nxt week is full speed ahead.
plan:
Mon: OB presentation, meeting for marketing.
Tues: Marketing presentation, meeting for applied research.
Wed: meeting for applied, and most prob marketing again. celebrate QY's bdae at plaza after school.
Thurs: Applied class test, close book this time, meeting for marketing. do slides for submission.
Fri: saucier for fine-dining week in saffron. prepare to get scolded. deadline for marketing. most prob archery.
sat: archery
then comes AR all the way den exams.. when can i rest? after the exams? i dun think i'm able to hold out any longer.. dying terribly.. someone save me. think wat i need most for now is some muscle relaxant (heard tt it's effective..) or some sleeping pills (coz i want to go into a deep deep sleep) and uninterrupted rest, plus lots of understanding and patience frm everyone else. coz i think i'm grumpy when i dun hav enuff rest, which is like almost everyday? and moody when i nv slp enuff (isnt it the same as nt having enuff rest? watever~)
haizz.. juz get thru tml den say. i want to sleep! tml not taking 87 le. dun wanna hold all my saffron stuff and stand thruout the journey. it's taxing on my hands and legs.. think i strain my calf muscles.. it feels weird. haizz.. muz consult my bro abt tt le..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)