PDP today. newbies in. didnt shoot much. not exactly in the mood to shoot also. was initially looking forward to today's training. but the marketing meeting abit too draggy.. end up reaching tembusu late. and to my horror, i saw this bunch of pple sitting there.. haizz..

hungry and tired. ate lays chips and a chocolate bread for lunch. many thanks to our loti supplier william and our meiji sponsor didi.

discovered alot of things today. didint hav lunch with the team. ended up chatting with the 2 of them. alot of things we muz hear from a few pple b4 we make up our minds abt certain things. if nt, the judgements that we passed would be considered unfair. now i know why. y some pple are seemingly scardey cat while others juz seemed so "entrepreneurial."

considering. am i willing to start on a new chapter of my life? can i forgo what i enjoy doing most? can i take up the risk of losing all my friends? am i able to trust myself and others to that extent? am i willing to give a shot at an opportunity that most prob wont come my way again? am i good enuff? is that really sincerity? or juz a casual remark? will the benefits outweigh the cost? do others support me in making that decision? can i give it up? shld i?

ok. enuff of crap. anyway, shaun said sth that i find amusing. so juz take it as it is. he wanted to see my arrows. so i took out my arrowtubw. he saw the tag on top. i wrote: watever_an. he wask asking what does the "an" stands for. to many, i did not disclose my so-called secret. it's nt that it's sth secretive. i juz dun want to share that special connection that i have with that word with THAT many pple. to those who know, i'll appreciate it that u all dun spread the word around when others ask. many thanks.

he was assuming that the "an" is my bf's name. and after guessing for sometime, he decided that my bf's name is andy. well, so be it. i have a bf. his name is andy. andy, say hello to my frens. thank you.

watever~ didnt even want to explain. feel that there's no need to explain. they were ALL late, as usual. i was pissed. how can i not be. i woke up juz to be there earlier than them and they hav no valid reasons to be late. if i stay so far away and yet i can be ON time, why cant those bedok and tampines pple be punctual? damn. i'm sick and tired of all these nonsense. the i-juz-woke-up, i'm-on-my-way, i'll-be-late(no reasons given).. i seriously dunno wat's their prob. i mean, juz get this proj over and done with. we're working against time and luck wasnt on our side right now. we have like 2 days more? y cant they be more task oriented? i really dun understand. i know that they hav other commitments. but does that mean that i dun? we're working together and i repeat, together. coordination is well appreciated. thank you.

sth is watching over me these few days, preventing me from breaking down i think. seriously, i got spooked quite a few times lately. when i was alone in tp toilets, in the lift, while walking.. juz feels weird. and it seem so unlikely that i am always so lucky to not miss my stop, even when i was very tired. i either woke up juz b4 the stop, at the stop or what. like today. i was damn tired. fell asleep immediatly after i board the bus. woke up immediately when the bus reached my stop, and there was a crowd waiting to board. i find it weird. how can i be so lucky? and i NEVER thot of it b4. now i know. i think my assumptions are correct. and i smile.

ok. think u all wont understand wat i've been blabbering.

jo was asking me abt the holiday trip.. i am grateful that she took up the responsibility of coordinating and planning, sourcing for prices and all..
she said this "as in de whole thing.. u still wana go, i feel lyk u dun wana go liao, or rather not interested" and suddenly i feel so irresponsible. i cant even give an answer that brings across wat i said or what i feel. i need serious coaching in communication skills. i dunno how to interact.

and i realised that i cant tear. i cant cry, i cant weep, i cant feel. is sth wrong with me? these emotions used to be strong. now they seem to juz fade into nothing. i need to get them back.

and i found out that i am too dependent, on myself. independent to the extent that i feel as if others couldnt really help me. until the point whereby doing everything myself seems so natural, so right. somehow, i think i've taken this gift and skill for granted. someone helped me, and i feel so blessed, yet so uncomfortable. as if i've become a useless person. have this independent nature got me dependent on nt relying on others? have i become a self-centeered self sufficient person? have i turned into a unfeeling person who has no concern of the world around her? someone who juz get on with her life without feeling half as much as others? and y am i toking in 3rd person? damn. i need a break.