CHILLED. REFLECT. SLACK.

i told a lie.

didnt want them to think too much, dun want to spoil their gd moods.

give and take. when muz i give and when shld i recieve?

i'm a kid, a kid viying for that something that i think i deserve.
a kid trying to lead the way,
a kid that must not step out of line.
a kid that is struggling to keep up with others,
a kid who has almost given up hope.
a kid who knows nothing abt everything and
a kid who needs a piggyback, desperately.

leaving everything as it is. am i happier that way? can i go on? will i hate myself for doing so? really. as much as i hate myself for being such an idiot, at least i sort-of said wat i meant, although it doesnt sound convincing, yet it's better than shutting up in my own world, feeling trapped.

i am not afraid of confined space. of being trapped, coz i'm used to it. maybe that explains why i love space, y i adore the roomy environment. being claustrophobic is so not me, and never i will be. and i know why i love certain things in life. i always feel out of control. therefore when i am in control, i feel good. that is why i love sports. past, present and future.

the feeling of being in control. it means that for a split moment, i am confident, at ease and being myself. i hate the feeling of losing control. as i get physically weaker, i'll begin to doubt myself. and when that happens, will my world goes haywire? will i start to lose control? wat would become of me in the end?

wat is happiness? was reading reader's digest and i came across this comment "all happy pple are grateful pple, and all unhappy pple are ungrateful. if u want to be happy, be grateful for what u have. this does not mean u cannot search for more. it means that if u allow the search to dominate, then u will be unhappy." and i think that it's damn right. so does that make me an ungrateful person? for majority of the time?

in reflective mode again, in this kinda weather.

was chatting with a fren sometime back then and we asked abt each other's life. how we're doing and such. i asked abt IVP and my fren in turn asked abt archery. was feeling rather down that period and said that i wasnt doing well at all. all i need back then was to trust myself again. i juz couldnt. i need a helping hand. that is when my fren said "well, u'll will do well the next time. surely one." and as usual, i begin to doubt the words. was still saying that my fren sound more confident that me. "cuz i noe u can do it de. ur a gd sport woman." was wat my fren replied. simple words, maximun effect. i was ever so grateful. those words make me rethink abt my ability again. and i realised that i am not hopeless, YET. someone who trust u more than u trust yourself. i think in life, we need such friends. pple ard us that make our existence special, make us feel proud to be us. pple who believe that we can do it. and it is for them that we do things and the phrase "shared happiness is happiness doubled" comes into effect. by achieving sth and sharing the joy with others, u'll feel happy and pple will be happy for you. it is thru all these that life goes on, with support from those around us.

$$ matters:
most of the pple ard me comes from well-to-do-family, or hav more spending power than my family. sometimes, it sort of gets into my nerves that life is so unfair. money does matters. especially when i am broke. nt really that broke, but have a tight budget. and it sux. imagine wanting to eat sth real nice but i have to consider whether my allowance will last till my nxt "pay day." and it bothers me if someone complains that she doesnt hav money when apparently, u know that they splurge on things without battering an eyelid. bought sth ex that i dun really need ytd. and i feel damn good abt spending that amt of money. was walking alone in TM amongst the crowd after training all sweaty with my big bag. the more i walk, the worse my "imagined" headache became. thus i decided to juz spend a sum of money to "cure" that "illness." true enuff, it did. money is very impt in such cases. it was till i reached home den i realised tt my pay day is sometime away.. lolx..

was thinking abt this i-am-broke-mindset and struggling to face reality. i am not born with a silver spoon, nor am i born to a family whereby we cant even meet the basic survival needs and having to worry when i can get my next meal. only on days whereby i am grateful and contented will i thot of such stuff. and this is what i came up with.

[i am glad and ever so grateful that i am born into a wealthy family. this family of mine has abundant love, care and concern. bountiful affections, ample joy and happiness, and never ending support and encouragement. and these are all i need in life. i am rich. much richer than alot of pple i know.]

with siblings come endless quarrel, scolding, bickering, jealousy, and such.
but all these brings infinite possibilities of delight, enjoyment, and allow me to learn how to be more :patient, considerate, giving, sharing, tolerant, disciplined, loving, practical, contented blah blah..

the possibilities are endless.. sounds familiar? hmm.. dunno where i hear it from..

actually i dun mind my house being a museum, as long as it is filled with joy and laughter, with smiles and unspoken love, with care and comfort. with them.

that's all i ask for. really.