things i try not to think about.

now i know y viy likes to sit in front during OB lecs.. i hate it too.. it's distracting and irritating.. made me want to be rude.

applied tut today was alright.. didnt slp although i am real tired. think i didnt hav enuff slp.. y is my irritation level rising? where is the limit? does it apply to a specific few?

wont be going for lecs tml.. saffron will be the last lesson of the day and the sem. oh yeah!!

so sian. time to change my whole wardrobe. maybe it is, maybe it isnt. hope i score well for my subjects, and i really pray hard that i have fate with more As.. and not Bs and Cs.. but i'll be over the moon if i hav Zs ya.. haha.. who wont? huihui? coz it's common for her?

shini bought mooncakes juz now, plus jay chou's concert tix.. spent quite alot.. and the mooncakes quite nice. nt too sweet.. funny right. i like chocos but i dun like sweet stuff.. lolx..
perception probs lah..

how i wished i am as straightforward as viy and shini.. if i am like that, i'll respect myself more. and at least i knwo that i'm nt the kinda person that i dun like. wat viy said abt "Irn" makes sense.. i think i am like her, but our way of interpreting certain things are wrong. blind spot maybe. by subconsciously doing things differently due to environmental factors, maybe i am showing the "sleeky" side? i dunno.

and i realised i always tok in a roundabout way. end up i dunno wat i want to say actually.. this is a bad habit and i think it affects the pple ard me. by doing so, i am not able to express myself effectively. i think one of the few times i am straightforward is during archery trainings. not all the time, but on average generally more "honest and straightforward".. ask me why? i feel that for archery, most of us (or them) have a common goal. we're there for training sessions. there is a goal we all set out to achieve, watever that is. whereas for usual environment like sch, we dun really hav a common goal together besides slacking and wasting time till the next lesson. we dun want to offend too many pple for fear that we'll be left with noone coz nobody likes us! and when that happens, we'll be eating alone, slacking alone, reading alone, in the lab alone, going everywhere alone. in tertiary level, u'll be deemd as an outcast or weirdo if u are a loner. pple will talk abt u behind ur back, gossip, label and so on. do we know it? yes we do. do we want it? no we dont.

maybe that's y we practice selective communication during conversations. we try to give in and accommodate so that at least when we hate each other, we have each other kinda thing. but why is that so? isnt it normal to be alone? no? weird society this is.

i am the kinda person Mr Ram mentioned in his lec on tues.. i'm nt the kinda ger who'll go thru hell on biz trips.. i'm not. and i try to believe.

back to the training thing. when i speak, those archery peeps wont know what kinda person i am in sec sch, so they'll judge me by how i behave NOW. that is what seowling told me when i was in AJ for the 1st 3 months. she told me that since the pple there dunno you at all, u are able to start a new without pple gossiping behind ur back. no judgements, no queer glances, no qns asked. easy as A-B-C. and i feel that although i've changed, part of me remains. is that wat the DISC profiling thing shows? the REAL me and the USUAL me? so i can actually feel the USUAL me changing but in the meantine still know that the REAL me exist? really?

ok. wat am i? one or many?