much more independent.

went to POM makeup lec alone, without even thinking of arranging to meet up with others.

i realised i no longer become aimless when i am alone in school..

only 4 Hospi yr 2 students turn up for the 9 am lec..

realised i am much more decisive nowadays.. still think and analyse things through but i take less time, much lesser time, and make up my mind sooner. i guess i learnt that stress built-up aint healthy.. once i decide, there is no turning back. that's when i learn how to console myself and infuse my mind with positive self-talk.. that helps... to block outside influences...

meiyin told me sth and thinking abt it makes me realise that it's been a loooong time since i last teared. and to me that's bad coz repressed emotions tend to get stronger. when u express it, the intensed feeling is gone, replaced by a lighthearted mood. at least i guess so...

and i'm going crazy with all the remix chinese new year songs.. i dun mind the classic version.. so ask the others shut up.. it's irritating with a SLOW song playing with fast background music... i'm listening to da di hui chun with techno music.. and it's not nice at all.. it's like a clash of era... -_-"'

ladder ups and downs

u know sometimes when we fall, thinking that once we hit constant velocity nothing will accelerate anymore, anything including the hurt, the sadness, the negativities...

and how naive we all are.. didnt we learn in physics that when sth is free-falling and hits constant velocity, although accelaration is zero, the speed is great..

maybe we cant feel it. maybe we're numb to how fast we're slipping that we are unaware of what's happening..that's when we need a wake up call. a wake up call from heaven..

that's when we "think" the gd things start. they get us going, make our day. but in actual fact, we past by so many other "better things" yet we didnt notice them coz we're busy tending to our wounds and pains, our problems and troubles.. it might not be a fantastic thing, situation or person. it can be juz a sudden awareness of nature, of the little angel talking on our shoulder, a little voice inside you communicating.. it can be sth an actor said, sth u noticed on ur way home, sth that caught ur eyes in school.. it can be anything. and it can also be nothing. that's when we just snap out of "lala land.."

when the happy things lift us up, we climb up the happiness ladder. there's only 2 way u can go on the ladder. up or down. u can choose to climb (up or down), and u can also choose to jump off. that's when u give up, free fall until u decided to grab one of the lower steps of the ladder. once in a blue moon, sth gives u a lift up the ladder, saving ur energy from climbing yet brings u to a better view.. that is when u muz take note never to be complacent and wave to the person below. coz when u do that, u'll lose ur balance and fall. when u're in a better position, it's the best time to lend the person below u a helping hand so that he or she can enjoy the gd view with you.

however, not all gd things stay. when u're enjoying the fresher air on top, taking in the beautiful scenery and enjoying the cool breeze, someone overtakes you, and maybe gives u a push down the ladder. other case maybe such that the same thing that brings u up makes u fall. and when that happens, coz u hav more potential energy, u'll fall faster.

life... up and down and up again. there is no way u can stay in one spot forever. sometimes, u have to learn to let go in order to start anew.. sometimes u hav to hold tight and stop urself frm falling, even if that means u'll be hurt badly.. we learn as we go. we learn as we grow. frm mistakes, frm regrets, frm gd and also from the bad. and if sth greater and bigger topples the whole ladder, accept that it's beyond our control. dun blame urself, others or the world. when that happens, be glad that for once, everyone can start at the same point. from square 1.. =)

happy day... lucky, very lucky..

i'll start my sunday by telling you how happy i am...

maybe it has been a long time since i felt this happy?

field trip to Sing expo today. fell asleep during the presentation and woke up when someone woke me up with some qn which i answer "mascara lah.." and went back to slp.. wat's funny is that i couldnt remember what the person was asking.. but i replied that..

went Changi airport for lunch with ede, tina, esther, jo, hui and eve.. was having so much fun in the perfume shop, den the choco shop.. ended up buying chocolates (as usual) as i couldnt resist... temptation got the better of me.. ~.~

after walking out of that sinful shop, i walked into the natural source where i ended up with a hair product... went back to tampines with Jo, tina and hui. accompanied jo shopping at citigems for a present for her mom... glad we looked old enuff that the salespple were so friendly serving us.. we look old today i guess.. haha.. but that's a plus point.. saw some accessories that i adore but well, wat can i say... haha..

1) i dun need them
2) i have more accessories than i wear normally
3) it's not a small amount of money (i'm not that rich aka i'm broke)
4) there are way too many to choose from

and the list goes on......

went shopping with them end up jo took out this skirt and commented that it's very "me." i bought it.. love the pale green one too but that is abit formal.. IF only i got the money......... the few of them were saying that i'm a purple freak.. and lo and behold... the carrier is THAT colour... talk abt coincidence...

went back to TP after tt.. guess i look out of place on a sat evening wearing that outfit in school... handover today... and i got a prezzie... a puma pencil case.. nt too bad.. at least a change from my usual cordory one..

happiness didnt end that soon.. was waiting for the bus when i saw this VW beetle in plastic blue.. yes, that's the only description of the colour that i can best think of.. it looked soo cute from the usual automobiles on the road, so out of place yet so fun.. and it's not the new VW beetle.. it's the old version.. made me smile all the way home.. haha..

alighted from the bus and when i was abt to step into the lift, the lights came on.. talk abt perfect timing.. felt like some big shot waiting for the spotlights before making a grand entrance.. haha... reached home only to find another gd news.. we're having steamboat at my aunt's house for dinner.. yeah....

having steamboat at her house is the best.. plenty of gd food and most of all her super duper airy living room... so eating that is NO sweat. lolx..

and the best part? my aunt said that she want to intro a very nice chocolate to me and went to take it from the fridge.. guess what? ROYCE!!!! and she "invited" me to finish the whole box.. and it's more den 1/3 left.. so i sat there in the windy living room watching tv after steamboat and fruits and enjoying Royce chocos for dessert.. lolx.. ultimate enjoyment..

was in such a gd mood i offer joss sticks to my great-grandparents...lolx...

was in frenster coz my buddies told me to check on this particular 2 pple.. and realized that….. someone got a similar “who you want to meet” as me… was qiao again..

this is what she wrote:
[im searching 4 nobody but somebody.. anybody but everybody..]

and this is mine:
[the someone who is a noone that can be anyone to everyone.. but i ain't want some noone who is everyone to anyone..]

isn’t it oh-too-similar? Like I’ve seen another me.. lolx.. but it’s not the case.. juz happen to be.. same thoughts running thru 2 persons’ minds at diff time.. u call it coincidence, I’d prefer the word “magic.” Or “miracle” or “fate.” Choose 1..

okie.. I grew like at least 2 kg fatter coz of the over-indulgence…. My cousin said I gained 7 kg.. and I was silently praying not to exceed.. haha.. but for now, I couldn’t be bothered.. all I want, is to indulge somemore and soak in this mood..

i signed the contract with meritus mandarin today.. Ms Pearl Lim was kind enough to let me choose the fine-dining restaurant instead of the suggested banquet and she even throw in the observatory lounge as another option.. in the end she arrange 3 weeks fine-dining 1 week observatory lounge as part of my 1 month F&B overview... many thanks to her..

saffron was real good today, i feel.. especially the main course and dessert. and i like the mocktail tranquility...

heard from lisa that someone wrote bad comments and the feedback form states table 43, which is the table we were sitting... damn it... pls lor.. we only submit 1 commentcard and all gd comments k.. today was good.. we crap sooo much i guess jo wont want to eat lunch with us the next time... dunno which bugger did that or who made the mistake.. but abit pissed coz FINALLY i kept the feedback card from eve they all yet other pple sabo... sian 1/2...

went shopping in orchard since i'm in the area... far east was horrible when it is VERY packed... throughout the whole time, shini was giving a black face when huishan was shopping... in the bus, i juz kept to my book. met meihui on my way home and took the same bus.. apparently, she is upset coz she couldnt get the phone she wanna get today.. the model sold out.. and that is the cheapest price she can find... was chatting wif her downstairs my block when i saw my parents... den in the end i went to admire flowers wit them... -_-"'

FINALLY, MEIT done... next, POM..

after much struggling, i've decided.. to take on Meritus Mandarin's offer.. after all, it's an established hotel... and i have nothing to lose.. the hotel is traditional, but i'm pretty much okay with it.. i guess the pressure of seeing pple editing resume, sending resumes, answering calls, scheduling interviews, rushing for interviews before or after lessons and even skipping lessons... is too much for me.. i gave up.. i took on the easiest route.. i took on the "bestest" offer, so they say. leigh told me that since i nv send Ritz, never send conrad, never send four seasons, never send fullerton and so on, the best is meritus and i got it.. shld juz accpet it and dun waste any time.. i got an interview with panpacific on monday 10 am.. but 1 vacancy, so many pple are fighting for it.. i guess the more i think, the more i guess it's not worth my time to go down for the interview.. i think i can survive not seeing those pple for the rest of my life.. after all, i'm only after the experience.. i dunno.. trying to be optimistic here.. pple are telling me i'm fortunate and i kinda agree with them.. so i'll grab opportunities before they pass me by.. learning.. from mistakes... to seek... a better... tomorrow.... :) actually posting entries in a huge big paragraph is nice.. i love the messiness, if there's such a work, and the disorder, and the unorganized thoughts, plus the head-shaking reaction pple get when they see such a BIG paragraph and dun bother to read all.. love it all.. haha..

now all i have to do is to wait for the reply..

and i saw the uniform on the calander.. it sux actually.. but no matter where i choose to go, pple have sth bad to say so i shall leave everything for myself to see and experience before i take in their nonsense.. anyway, we are separate individuals...

captain for the day in saffron. 43 pple very nice.. they were so neglected by me yet they nv complain.. haha.. i almost dropped the teaspoon coz the teapot too hot.. that cursed table AGAIN. i swear i'm never gonna serve coffee OR/AND tea to that seat again. ever.

i dun get it.. that place is air-conditioned yet i was emiting heat. nervous? maybe.. but it's so warm at the area.. maybe it's near to the kitchen that's why.. some CMM pple came for some photoshoot in saffron.. darren, ching's fren still remembers me.. he said hi.. i was pretending that i dunno he was there coz ltr he cannot rem den paiseh..

skipped the guest lecture by that "pple say he shuai emmanuel." watever.. last yr attended his lec.. gers going gogo-gaga over him.. he'll be touching on similar topic as last yr so i skipped.. finally! a lec that i WANT TO skip and skipped.. haha..

went meritus mandarin for interview.. met anthea while crossing the road over to cine.. she told me she signed the contract le..

AND I AM ACCEPTED!! the lady interviewed me for abt an hr.. was soooooooooo "focused" on my personality profile and analysing my behaviour giving comments ever so often.. and advice.. lolx.. she told me that i appear a little uncomfortable so shld take note of my body language for the next few interviews.. told her i want to try Front office, reservation, guest relations, F&B, and even housekeeping... she was like.. u sure?!!! den she told me cannot coz time way tooo short.. in the end i chose 5 months Front office, concentrating mostly at receptioon while having the overview of reservations, business centre and so on.. den 1 month at F&B.. she told me F&B either fine-dining, coffeehouse or banquet.. haha.. i thot i wasnt accepted, coz of my personality profiling.... in the end alright leh.. she told me got pros and cons.. need to take note.. haha.. my eyes got a little tired after maintaining eye contact for so long.. den startng to roam ard the room.. maybe tt's y she said i look a little uncorfortable.. and maybe coz i was leaning a little bit in front coz her voice quite soft.. i WAS uncomfy.. haha.. but overall gd interview experience.. told her i'll get back to her latest by next fri.. haha..............

tml is hangout hotel!!! emily!!! let's see if i hav the same luck...

and ya.. the lady told me somethings are not a matter of life and death so i got to learn to let go.. and i dunno why in the middle of an interview the interviewer will say such things.... but so many pple told me that so it couldnt be wrong right?

time wasnt and isnt on my side

guess sth doesnt want me to post that entry juz now..

NTU-IVP today.

misses, more misses and more misses again...

shot real lousy. comparing my scores at the same grounds a yr ago, i DE-proved by abt 70 marks bah..

no excitement. nothing.

guess i'm a jinx. if only i nv shoot that end against NTU. we might stand a chance for the gold medal match. HahA, Didi and krystle performing well today. 162:175.. only 12.. if i didnt shoot that 3 arrows, we stand a chance.. if only aishah went in my place instead.

the bronze medal match against NUS. they aced and finished the com with a nice 219.. it's upon 270.. about what we used to score when karin was wif us..

i tyco got a medal. again. 6 competitions all by luck i guess. today was the worse. no happy thoughts, no excitement, nothing. prepared to return home empty-handed.. but i carried a little sth else with me. sth heavy.

the scoring rounds i did so badly that it's even worse den during normal trainings.. 30m.. and i missed, again and again.. my mind was blank.. up to a point i felt scared coz of the void. put some music in my head. felt slightly better but den, the sound drained out again. guess i went into the wrong zone.

and to think that today's weather was good. the sun is still out, but not glaring.. plus, it's quite breezy.. dun hav the iritated mood when the hot sun burns me. but i still.... screw up. individual scoring is nothing. i dun feel ashamed, nor guilty. to me it's juz another scoring end. juz like in school. but the team event. i am proud, that they did well, very well. glad for them.

i got a medal. that's an undeniable fact. but i dun recognise it. i dun earn it. i dun deserve it. so it doesnt deserve a place to be with the others of its kind.

1st com i didnt stay for dinner with the team. went home. tired? maybe. i dunno. couldnt sit ard with them and laugh with them talking abt things that i hav no idea about. if i force myself to go, all i'd do is polite conversations and give short replies. it's so unfair. there are so many others in the team that deserves the medal much more than me. and i'm refering to those pple who put in effort and hard work. and even the blind can feel their passion in the sport and the will to do well..

but that person is not me. and i got it. luck. that's the only logical reason i can come up with.

goal setting, setting goals. SMART goals aint any use. it doesnt work on me. maybe i didnt try hard enough?

i finally know what pple meant by dreams. i see their faces light up and glow. but sadly, i didnt see it in me.

saw yiping and lotti at kovan on my way home.. plus jerome and his gf.. reminded me of this:

[Go away~ i have enough friends]

it was till i reached home den i realised how tired and horrible i look today. totally yucks.. but watever.. i care. but i cant do anything abt it.

if the archery pple see this but i dun think they will, i want to say:
congrats to aishah for winning the std cls women and TF for C cls.. and the pple tt won the bronze medals.. altogether 3 teams.. luck surfaced once again. plus the yr ones.. continue with their improvemetn rate and they'll bag the prizes for the next com. all the best to the rest of the team who showed how discipline they are thru the results of their hardwork.. all the best.

next com. when is it? i think that falls during SIP..

heart is drained... wont be on my mind... for forever?

the girl got on innocent. i finished mine a few days ago. how i miss it..

JB.JB.JB

many thnks to Viy and Cherrie, for this wonderful trip that we've been planning for a yr..

i FINALLY met my objective of eating the beef noodles.. the soup darn tasty..

shopping there was fun but i realised i became a bit paranoid after seeing the signs "beware of pickpockets" all over and the reminders from my mom.. i kept checking my bag every now and then.. it's so totally unlike wat i'd do in s'pore. but at least we went on a gd day.. NO CROWDS!! yay!!

i'm so glad i bought the contacts there... 1 whole yr supply at a MUCH lower cost than s'pore.. again, thanks to viy coz she knows the person there.. haha..

after shopping at City Plaza, we took a M'ysia bus and went to another shopping centre.. that place even lesser pple coz weekday afternoon ulu timing... went to coffee beans and slack... as usual... before shopping again..

took a cab down to a place for dinner at RM5.. it's abt the rate when we enter s'pore cabs? haha..

the stingray there v. NICEY... hot.. the sauce very nice also.. haha...

went to viy's fren's saloon to cut hair.. 1st time in my life 2 pple help me blow dry my hair.. the doggie there got a blur face.. haha.. and the golden retriever next door very nice, and obedient..

proceeded to viy's house after tt.. her bro's room damn power.. like some secret hiding place.. haha.. slacked for awhile b4 her fren Leaf came to pick up up to go to SS(still dunno wat it stands for) for supper in her new car.. damn zai lor.. can go wherever u want in ur car.. haha.. the tom yam soup there very special.. the prata-like thingy there also nice.. actually the chrispy one nicer.. haha.. that place very cosy.. dunno how long we sat there sia.. watching golf and tennis and chatting abt ghosts..

Leaf drove us ard that area for awhile and we went back to viy's house.. her room without lights is instant darkness.. even at 10 in the morning.. so cosy i felt as if it's still the wee hrs.. haha.. no wonder she's always late for school!!

went for beef noodles this mornin!!!! finally.. yum yum... went to city square after breakfast.. bought roti boy there.. yum yum again.. then shop ard b4 going to secret recipe for CAKES and soup.. the cheesecake there nicey~ and cheap, compared to s'pore.. haha.. sorry viy ar.. can't help NOT converting.. and i still want to eat the egg!! haha...

came back to s'pore but went causeway point shopping.. the only diff is that causeway point packed... went mos and had "tea." den here i am at my grandpa's house..

it's 2 days of eating and shopping and eating and shopping and eating again! CONTENTED... haha

and i met a salesperson with the same name as me.. haha.. so qiao...

title-less

proj meeting with half the grp. coz only 3 present.

PPCC training. got tired after i cant seem to force my fingers to relax. felt like a zombie with stiff arms.. anyway, as usual, after giving up, i sat down and enjoy bball skills..

saw this very young boy. at most 140. from playing in a BIG grp to one-on-one to alone.

all the while he kept doing the same things over and over again. aiming, shooting, retrieving, defending and all.. never once he sat down to rest. den i think. maybe that's what they call discipline. when the pple ard u gave up and left, u hold fast to ur dreams.

i see the ball bouncing high and losing energy. and i witness the boy fueling the ball with more energy continuously. juz by looking, i can see how tiring it is for the short boy to even throw the ball from a distance. did he give up? no he didnt.

till a point in time, he did the opposite from scoring. and maths came to my mind. it's somewhat like that. u have the question, u have the answer. all u need is to find the means to get to the end...

packed up when PPCC got crowded and "embarked" on the looooooooong journey home.

went to the playground. surprisingly, the coast is clear and no screaming kids about. hence i did something that i never do for quite sometime. the swings... this time round, it's with a diff kinda mood with a diff motive.

the last few times i did it late into the night when everything was still. now, at dusk, things are portrayed in a diff light. i hear birds chirping, leaves rustling and kids laughing.. the happy things in life. my skills deteoriated soooo much thru the years.. due to my weight, i cant swing as high. the momentum wasnt as smooth as i remembered it to be. disappointment.. how can i nt be? but i'm glad i still relive my childhood moments thru the swings.. nothing else is as special as that. swing to my hearts content.

what abt you? what can make u a child again?

am thinking. if i come up with a list of "things i dunno/never notice abt myself" and ask my friends to fill up, is that possible? in life, shldnt we strive to understand ourselves more? coz when we have less doubts abt ourselves, we'll be more confident. and when we're more confident, we're more likely to succeed.

how to get a gd start when u hav a lousy end?

have you ever went to bed frowning?

i did. especially when i couldnt get to sleep.

we frown unknowingly when we're tense. facial muscles contract and we so called "display a bad mood face." actually is I.

this "body reaction" occurs when i try too hard to sleep at night. there i go into the "frowny" face when i try to shut my eyes tight and force myself to go to bed..

So i ask myself... How can i start off everyday anew when i end off each day in such a state? and how can my body hav adequate quality rest when i didnt allow it to fully relax?

and i guess.. maybe that's the reason why i look so tired.

thoughts recorded on 26 dec at 3.11 am..

3 short thoughts for a long day

it's life isnt it?

you plow ahead and make a hit.

and you plow on and someone passes you.

then someone passes them,

time levels.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

this sentence left a deep impression:

[you have not converted a man because you have silenced him]

this applies so much to life and says so much about beliefs.

1) someone uses authority to force another to keep quiet
2) someone threatens another to stay away from trouble
3) ur boss or parents ask u to "shut up"
4) someone giving in after a heated quarrel
5) a kid being slap coz he cried for wanting something
6) an elderly keeping quiet when others insult or scold them
7) someone killing another in order to "silence" him
:
:
:

and the list goes on...

juz because somehow or another, due to some power or rights, someone managed to "win" over the other in terms of the desired outcome. take number 3 for example. ur boss "ordered" you to keep quiet and listen to his views instead. due to legitimate power, he won. u cant do anything except "listen" to him.. did he succeed? yes he did. he managed to make u shut up. but does that change ur views that ur idea is better than his? NO.

u slap a child so that he does not yell anymore after u refused to buy him that "violent" toy. your actions stopped his cries. but have you changed his mind about wanting the toy? NO.. and because u think the toy will induce violent thoughts in the kid doesnt mean that he agrees with you. the desire juz got strongly.. yes he wont yell anymore but he wont agree with your "false" beliefs either.

on the surface, we might look as if we're being "bought over", "surpressed" or "convinced." deep down, the beliefs burn stronger.. there is NO way u can prevent this from happening. it's all in the mind.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

when asked, many would say that long term relationships need alot of compromise.

we give and we take. if there's really nothing we can do, we give and give. to many, that's unconditional love. that's when i ABSOLUTELY disagree. there is a time to give and a time to take. when u have misconceptions about that, the relationship is a gonna.

that's why i STRONGLY BELIEVE:

[Long term relationships need alot of LAUGHTER]

smile and laugh more. it's the happy feeling that brings about satisfaction, induces contentment and results in happiness.. by giving in, nothing will last.. trust me.. =)

REN

i realised the wonders of being around children again. last tuition class before CNY.

was feeling frustrated because i juz got to know most of the students frm 1A, they were juz beginning warming up to me and the classes got to stop. the twin brothers, esther, joyce, sirong, the very enthu little boy and another in the corner that reminds me of me.. kept reminding myself that i have to have more patience, tolerance and maintain the correct tone throughout the whole lesson.during the card making session, i have to make sure they dun hurt themselves by snatching the scissors or playing around with the glue or viying for the chance to write or decorate on the card.

really tried very hard not to raise my voice when the answer to everything i asked is 7. 20+7=7 and 30+3=7.. i kept telling myself that i have to be patience, patient and MORE patient. kept reminding myself to relax.. is it true that every class has a kid like that? last year i got one. this yr i got another. i dun mind them being slightly slower in learning as long as they put in the effort to do so. tolerating the kid's short attention span is a thing. giving the same answer although i clearly told her that it is wrong and digressing to other topics like "my father can write happy new year in chinese" is another. she kept wanting to do things instead of letting others have a turn. she does things when i say no and made other students pissed. pple finished the whole counting worksheet and she's still at the 1st page. i really dunno wat to do with her..

shifu told me that her mom is blind and her sis is a slow learner so we got to be more patience and show more "Care and concern" for her. but it's hard not to show favourtism. coz i already did. it's human's nature to like things that are more to what we desire, the opimum condition or situation so to say. because of her, i got to put other students on hold when they ask me for help. and it's hard to give undivided attention when the class is big. i hav to cater to the needs of other students as well.. and i'm exasperated..

"REN" (tolerate).. what a powerful word to serve as a constant reminder..

and children doesnt hide emotions do they? everything is shown on their faces. u'll know when u're nt giving them the attention they want. or how upset they are sometimes. of course u'll notice how bored and how much they want to get out of the seats too..

that's that joy of teaching.. to put myself in the shoes of the students when i'm a "teacher." that makes everything worthwhile..

GALLERY HOTEL!!

WHAT A PIECE OF LUCK. THANKS GOD!

was juz telling Peiling and Edelina before we sat for our POM paper that the SIP companies available are all that i dun wanna go to.. coz the hotels listed are... what i dun really want to go to.. they were saying that some of the hotels they want not available and to name some, four seasons and fullerton. i was telling them that i wanna go to theme hotels or rather concept hotels like gallery hotel!!!!!!!!! but it's not available THEN... was still in such a lousy mood coz all those SIP companies all.. erm.. not wat i want..

and well, the most miraculous thing happened!! checked the SIP link coz was searching for email add and saw the latest update!! gallery hotel's offering 8 places for HM students!! that means 1) i wont hav to fight wif those pple who desperately want to get into ritz and the other hotels, 2) 8 places mean higher chance of getting in den 4 places.. it's double the luck!! hahahahhahaa

okie.. wait.. it's 10 places!!!! hahahahhaha.. i hope i get in.. my resume and application letter doesnt sound so fantastic.. dun hav much things to include.. dunno how to elaborate.. but at least i'm motivated now ya.. FINALLY.. god sent news.. haha...

thanks for sending that wonderful goal. now all i need is a little luck. *wink

allow me the chance to tk that 1st step.. and the rest is up to me...

okie.. i sound like a lunatic getting excited over nth.. fine. haha

nursing meh?

cat called and woke me up at 1330 and asked for a 150+ gatheirng..

did some household chores coz my mom asked me to. but i was enjoying coz there's noone at home and everything was so peaceful, so quiet..

went to QY's house. met hwa san in the bus.. at first thot i see wrongly.. so when he walked past i called his name. so i'm right.. lolx.. more den a yr nv see him le.. he asked if i changed me fone coz the last time he msg, i didnt reply. say i never organise gathering.. haha.. dunno whether ah sok they all free or not.. now the whole gang sure working arbo going NS le mah..

halfway thru the conversation, he asked why i nv look at him and talk de.. and den i dunno why, but out of a sudden, i realised most of the time, i nv maintain eye contact when i talk. i prefer to look ard, or past the person's face, focusing on things behind.. coz he was asking me sth den i nv maintain eye contact, so my reply was as if i'm lying.. lolx..

he called me a perfectionist back den and i dunno why. still rem our chinese lessons talking abt those very "classic" chinese stories like hong lou meng, san guo yan yi and so on.. he can really chat with the teacher and analyse the characters and so on.. that's when me and jasmine sleep.. lolx..

and he thought i'm in nursing.. it's nt the 1st time pple think i'm studying nursing!!! when i said hospitality management, they replied "same lah.. hospital mah." dots.. -_-"'

went to J8.. changed so much.. i dun like the place. dunno why..

walked past coffeebean. wanted to, but didnt.

on request.. :)

as per Viy request, here's the entry.

this is the 1st sem after test papers i didnt go out with jiemeis..

went perfume hunting with celi and viy today.had a wonderful time laughing at lame comments..

most perfumes got a smiliar ingredient. hence the familiar scent.. but viy's choice is good. at least NO inventory, vintage, poison, air freshner, honeydew, ants-attraction, or funny weird scent..

btw, i think the best 3 voted by me is Viy's, Celi's and the O oi one.. hahaha.. the rest i guess i smell too much so dunno how to differentiate le..

favourite hangout, as usual, place for our usual photo-taking sessions and also slackerz' paradise aka beverage kingdom.. lolx..

i started grumbling after awhile.. but it feels so good to get some things off ya.. thanks to the 2 of u.. made my day..

cant wait for next thursday!!! viy.. remember to plan out an itinery hor.. where to go, wat to eat and so on.. hehe.. and i'm here to remind u not to break your promise to charlene.. arbo noone help her set up blog.. k lah.. enuff of crap for today le.. my eyes cant open le.. nitey..

ultimate happiness . happiness is the ultimate

i guess what we're looking for ultimately, is happiness.

in order to fulfill that intrinsic desire to satisfy your need, we accept the various options life has to offer. we seek happiness in relationships, in indulgence, in ultimate satisfaction and luxury.

we spoil ourselves rotten by being self-centered/self-contained, masking any hints we detect from our surrounding that we are not open to.

long before we realise, pathetic fools got into trouble.

we protect ourselves by hurting others, we shield others from hurting ourselves. endless cycle.

the end of it, a tragedy is when the one whom u hurt is ur dearest and the one you care hurts u the most.

life's as such. seek a balance.

infernal affairs

rather irritated. spent more den an hour in the bus listening to songs and going round hougang and serangoon area. saw huiyin on my way to grandpa's house. told me she knows my cousin. her fren's fren. watever~ got to know that youhui's dad passed away recently. she's going to visit at night and i dunno why she told me that.

wasnt in the mood to study last night, hence i watched all 3 parts of infernal affairs.

in the end, both the good and the bad died. they ended up killing each other.

fate makes it such that their lives are inter-linked.

pple who want to be good. they sacrifice to be bad so that they can be good.

black and white. scheming against one another. dont they know that there are grey areas?

didnt go to school for training.

1 last entry b4 i end off this day.

bo liao me browsing thru my journals again. translating stories from chinese to english.. had a solemn time reminiscing.

- bought a blouse. love it very much. so much so that i am reluctant to wear it for i might dirty the new clean top. months down the road, i took out the same blouse to realise that it is already out of fashion.
- bought a cake back then. a cake that looks so yummy that i curb my temptation by putting it in the fridge so that i can slowly savour it bit by bit instead of stuffing it down at one go. the cake was forgotten for i did not open the fridge frequently. days past. when i finally felt like eating it, the cake was already spoilt.
- these two examples are similar to that of a relationship. u must wear the blouse at the time when u like it. u must enjoy the cake at the point where u still have the craving. only then u truly possess it. once u missed the enjoyment period, what's left behind is only regret.

u know i thought about this quiet a number of times.. if there is a fire and i can only grab limited things before i run for safety. the 1st thing i reach out for would not be the money but my journals, my notebooks, my files full of memories. money i can always earn again. uncaptured memories are lost forever....

i once told a clsmate. i think there are 2 types of pple. and the real them will surface during an argument. one would dig up every single situation in the past and try to make it such that with such a long and substantial "data and history", the other person MUST give in. the other person, operates with blind spots, blcking out the "past" and focus on the present situation. this type of person can examine every single action, body language in detail so much so that his or her side of the argument is as "substantial" as the former. the 1st type of person are those who hold fast to their past memories. sad to say, they are the ones who will bear grudges.. the latter thinks that we all have to move on. things that are unworthy to be remembered muz be forgotten so that their lives can be smooth-er sailing.. this type of pple takes things more lightly, even "unworthy" friendships.. if the 2 parties are friends, then the 1st one would end off the argument with sth like "our friendship is over!" the 2nd one will say sth like "gd. now it's my fault. everything is my fault. i know i cant be as good. but i've tried!" then they move on.. and this memory is stashed away at a dark untouched corner deep in their hearts.

this is a similar story as the cashier in a busy store. the one who screams at the customer and the one who pretends everything is fine until one day he or she explodes, take out a gun and shoot the customer.

so after these 3 short stories, what do u think? guess many of u didnt even finish reading this.. lolx.. watever..

[Trapped mainly by wanting things to be exactly as they are, only better]

tree and wild flower story

food hygiene term test today.. surprisingly, it doesnt even feel like term test and lazy me only started studying this morning..

was listening to my fav radio prog this morning, taking a break from the bacteria names and heard this simple sharing by the DJ..

very long ago, there's this wild flower by a roadside, growing beside a big tree. it grew up by depending on the tree for nutrients and water. the tree sheltered the flower from the strong winds and heavy rain.. one day, a group of workers came and the sturdy tree was cut down. the flower was devastated. it is no longer under the protection of the tree. the heavy rain will beat down at it, the wind will rip the flower off by the root and nothing will spare mercy on the little flower by the roadside. somewhere off the road, another tree consoled the little flower, saying that without the tree the sun will shine directly at the flower, giving it optimun sunlight for photosynthesis. the dew and raindrops will ensure that the flower will get its supply of water. passerby will now stop to admire the flower that stands alone for now, there is no tree whereby it can hide behind. days pass and the flower realised that it became stronger and more resilient, for it has learnt to stand on its own "feet", learnt not to depend on others, acquire enough "skills" for survival..

this short story gave me such an important reminder.. the tree hasnt left the flower. the absence of the tree simply provide the flower a better environment for it to showcase its fullest potential, a chance for the flower to try and achieve more than it thinks it can on its own, and that something better will turn out..

so i juz sat there staring into space for abt half an hr.. it's gd.. my mind got its dose of relaxant and thoughts got flushed out of the system.. i love this kinda feeling.. even bacillus cereus sound so much easier after that..

heard this over the radio yesterday..

[人会快乐是因为他不计较. 计较的人是不会快乐的]

[我们人生不能说要就要, 说不要就丢掉.]

[过去的岁月以不会再回头, 未来的路仍然要走.]

[一杯咖啡, 一个知己, 一次倾听, 温暖你的人生.]

so true huh.. chinese words still mean much more..

and this is from an old song that i heard after the tsunami struck..

[i haven got the time, i haven got the room, i haven got the need for pain]
this pretty much sums up attitude huh..

and this article abt the tsunami caught my attention.

[at the mass graves, we watched as bodies were lifted out of vans. no records of death. only one policeman on duty. no law. no order. juz pple burying the dead. body after body. shovel after shovel.] when i read this, 我有莫名的感动. 很不可思议吧, 但就这么如此. that's y i saved it in my fone and got the urge to blog it down. things in life dun come easily.. in a moment u might be so touched, so enlightened by something someone said, but u didnt take it down, didnt make an effort to make it tangible. when time passes by, u'll forget all about it.. i have many such moments.. moments whereby i am simply too lazy to make that extra effort, thus losing many such chances. they might not matter to u, but they do to me. hope u find a way in which u'll be able to make wonderful words tangible. record those quotes. they'll be priceless in the days to come.

** did sth i thought i will never do.. u'll have to kill me to persuade me to join i-guides for open house.. but i did, out of my own accord. but it's biz i-guides only.. it came as a surprise, for me. lolx.. and i absolutely got no idea why unethu me would do so.. maybe coz it's 1 hr of training and 4 hrs of duty.. but i have no lack of SEAL points, so i dunno my motive for doing so actually.. but i did, and that's wat matters.. :)**

i dunno wat got into me. a classmate was telling me abt wat she heard frm XW.. in a matter of fact, it matters to me but my reaction doesnt tally with how i feel.. i appear so indifferent, as if couldnt care how others see me. stupid things like comments and impressions.. they affect me.. or maybe it's nt the issue. it's how she puts the point across to me.

i hate it when others interests are in conflict with mine. seems selfish huh.. another of those all-i-care-abt-is-me talks.. but how to show that i am upset with watever others are doing when it's a ratio of 3:1? i hate being the minority..

i find myself getting all worked up and upset or affected over the smallest things in life. i overlook the whole pictures.. i am too engrossed with the details that i miss out enjoying the whole painting.. certain things that meant alot to me now might be crap 3 years down the road but at least i did wat i want to do back then. i remembered once in primary 2 i got scolded by my chinese teacher in front of the whole class that i got so upset for so many days, thinking that my teacher hates me for being a bad student.. now that i think back, i find myself so innocent, so oblivious to the more important things in life.. life's like that.. pple get uptight for the wrong things many a time, making wrong decisions that they'll regret for life, maybe.

will end off with this:
[i saw a painting of 2 friends holding hands.. wonder how long it'll stay intact? it's old but never fading. wish we were that painting.. getting older yet never changing..]

.honest.

this post is created for the sole purpose of expressing myself, how i think i reacted, during archery trainings.

wanna apologise for my lousy behaviour, my sickening attitude and negative body language. also, my lack of communication. in fact, i dun even communicate. i know there are only a handful of them reading this, but i guess that's alright. i feel that i am an irritating person plus a damn lousy team player. i did realise that my attitude and behaviour on the general took a turn for the worse. i am not improving, not trying, not even wanting to put in effort. my mindset is inclined towards giving up and reverting back to my "watever, heck care" attitude.

i know facial expressions and body language plus tone of voice and choice of words are important to facilitate effective communication, but i practise all the wrong things. i know that by giving a "frown-y" face and "bo-chap" responses, pple will try to avoid me coz "she's in a bad mood. leave her alone." maybe i really did want to be left alone. i dunno. or maybe i dun.

who doesnt wanna do well? i know i want to. but success comes when passion is fueled with discipline. and that's wat i'm lacking. maybe i lose a bit of both. monique was telling me that today is my "perfect weather." i really think so. it's the ideal conditions in which i would and by right should love and enjoy the whole training. but today, i told her that the weather is perfect, but other conditions arent. it's sth like wat we learn in econs.. ceteris paribus or sth lidat which means other things kept constant. maybe the external factor is great but i have problems with internal factors..

i think shini would know how i felt right now. i received her message juz now. it suddenly got to me that we do things without thinking sometimes which might lead to some misunderstandings.. and when things calm down and we are given the luxury of time to juz reflect and think, we feel like giving ourself a knock on the head and the feeling of guilt sets in...

i am a selfish person. getting "selfishier" by the day. i cant be trying hard to please everyone day in and out, at home and outside. so i've learnt to find an outlet. and i'm so sorry to say that archery is at the top place of my "negativities deposit centres."

i gues the reason why it is my "top choice" is because a cca gives me the feeling of my old days. where the lousy attitude and black face peijun rules. another factor is that being a precision sport, it is an ideal outlet for me to "lose control," for me to juz give way to my emotional baggage. and damn it.. i was so right. the pple there, juz sort of let me have my way. coz to them, it's the "usual peijun" that they see. and for one of the first time in my life, i am in control. pple giving in to me, letting me do what i want to do is like a dream come true. not so kua zhang, but it's not a priviledge i get every day. and i think i abuse that feeling, and sort of got obsessed with wanting to do things my way. maybe that's why i dun really like the former in-charge.. and kept wanting to "oppose" coz he ruin my only chance of getting away being rude, ignorant, irritating, selfish, lazy, weak, unreasonable and so on..

i guess wat adds on to this is that this, being the perfect weather, i shld be able to perform better, but i didnt. 1 year of extra time spent in sch aint fruitful at all. cant even compare to the juniors who joined not long ago.. but i know they did train very hard.. so i shldnt make so much noise and complain..

i apologise for any trouble, inconvenience or unhappiness that i cause or anything i did that affected anyone in anyway.. when i'm down, consciously i know that the "signs" i'm sending are negative, asking pple to "back off" and give me space. i also know that it's wrong for me to do it. but i did anyway. to u this sort of "apology thingy" might not be much of an important issue coz u're used to it, used to how i behave. but it's impt to me. i did it for myself..

was shooting one of the last ends of the 2nd round when i shot 3 arrows only and asked william to take over. he was saying that he'll wait till i finish my last 3 arrows but i told him i dun wanna shoot anymore and juz stepped out of the shooting line and put my bow on the bow stand. i almost wanted to walk off and sit down but i felt that that wasnt the right thing to do. felt like slapping myself there and then for even saying and doing that. seems so unreasonable, like someone who doesnt hav any authority making all the decisions and not giving a damn how others felt. i inhaled deeply for a few moments, calmed down and continued with the last 3. i'm nt saying that i am proud of myself for doing that. i didnt feel very much better but at least i did what i think was right at that point in time.

i fell asleep while they have the individual KO rounds..
visited my grandparents. my uncle commented that i look very tired and really shld catch up on more sleep. viy said the same thing to me a few days ago. and the funniest thing is that i'm nt even working part time. so why shld i be tired and why shld i be entitled to give haggard looks that make pple think that i'm having such a hard time in life? and i thought my timetable is slack this sem. most days afternoon classes. but i was wrong. 6 days a week i got to wake up at 7 or before that. after school i got to stay back till late doing all those things that others couldnt be bothered with. and sometimes i got myself into situations that i would never want to be involve in. and pple only see the surface. pple care only for themselves. i am one of them.

i guess these feeling of negativity, tension and even stress and fear builds up. deep inside, i know i have to find an outlet where i can dump all these if nt these pent up emotions would be like an unlit bonfire. it juz takes a spark to set it blazing. and i dun want that to happen. i could jolly well juz post an entry pretty much like the rest, anologies, beating about the bush, talking in codes that left many buffled, exposing thoughts without giving the full view of insights, keeping emotions under complaints and all. but i decided to be honest today. maybe u'll find it funny. but i'm nt laughing.

this sorta things happen when pple hear but they dun listen. they speak but they dun express. they see but they dun understand..

communication breakdown between the two, stress and tension built up. humans have blind spots. and wat we see is what we thought others meant. and then we leave things to our imagination.. our thoughts run wild and we create alot of "perceptions" and "reality" that we "think" is correct coz we "see and feel it." which may all not be true..

time constraint. tt's all.

it's as if everything changes overnight.

new priorities for a new year. the thought came yesterday but my mom told me to hold on. so isoltated, so disconnected. so out.

seen so many stories, heard so many tales. thus the need came strong and i know i wont ever regret it.

i dunno wat the future holds. i've decided to be a fish and juz follow the current, wherever it takes me to.

the semester is going alright. with new priorities, i find myself not paying as much attention to my studies.. i juz hope i can keep my GPA the same..

so cold this monsoon season huh. the rain is soothing yet a bit creepy. and i cant shake away that uncomfortable feeling.. juz hope spring is here soon.

2005

ytd's consultation made everything clearer. and boy~ wasnt i shocked when i went in and saw Ram wearing the same colour as me and eve, he take a look at us, den at himself, den ask us to sit down.. lolx.. i was laughing real hard inside at his expression..

he's a good facilitator. one of the best i've encountered. the best in fact.

that big bear is the total opposite. i took my portfolio from him, finally.. on my way out, i saw this

[you cannot change the direction of the wind, but u can adjust the sails]

suddenly it hit me that this is the perfect quote to end and start my year.

happy 2005 to all. may we not take for granted every bit of happiness we have. relish in the fact that we are fortunate enough to see the new year. hope burns twice as bright this point in time so let love and compassion lead the way.

Because we believe the surface, we forget that surfaces arent who we are.

tsunami

i dunno if u all feel as i do.

i've been reading the papers and sort of keeping track of the death toll. on sunday when i first heard the news from my mom, i thought this is a SMALL case. turn out to be otherwise. with the number of corpses totalling up to 55000 and more, and still rising, i feel so useless. there's nothing much i can do to help. out there, people are dying, bodies decomposing on the streets, families separated, homes destroyed and hopes dashed. and here, in S'pore, pple are complaining that the weather is cold when we have warm food, snug clothing and adequate shelter. i AM a selfish person. we all are. in the confort of my home yesterday night, i was grumbling abt the weather, how i cant study when it's freezing cold, why my house doesn hav any snacks, and worrying over 2 stupid class tests that i haven prepared for. and somewhere not too far away, others are fighting to live. trying desperately to locate their families, bewildered coz the waves brought together with it grief and sadness, darkness and pain.

the media is calling out to the pple of s'pore for help. and it's only right that we should respond. cant the S'pore pools stop collecting bets just for a week, and donate the prize money? cant some companies give their workers a day off to help transport and help pack things that need to be send over and every little manpower is needed? our nation talks about doing all that we can to help. yet our national trade union congress (NTUC) is so stingy so as to come up with this (pay$10 and they'll send a bag of necessities worth $13+++) what the hell. if they're sincere, they shld juz donate those stuff. and not try to increase their inventory turnover. damn.

and war.. the thought of it makes me sick. those freaking countries buying amunition and weapons and what not juz so that they can torture each other, spending millions and billions so they can put up a wonderful show for the rest of the world. and the hell they broguth to their own pple. if all the contries can chip in and donate the money they set aside for national defense to aid pple frm sri lanka, frm indonesia, from maldives and so on, wont the world then be more appreciative of what humans, as a whole, do to help one another? wont there then be peace because war will cease to exist?

organisations are collecting donations and i see pple giving freely. this IS what i call the spirit of giving. reaching out to help. playing our part. when jas frm my cls told me abt how strongly karene feels abt this thing, i can understand. it's not juz another hooha that the media created. this is the REAL thing. fellow humans who deserve as much right as us to live needs help. and we, being fortunate enuff to be born in an ideal environment that pple frm other countries desire, shldnt we do more?

was listening to the radio station all the way to school today about the news. the DJs was saying "when u want to donate, think twice before pulling out that mere $2 for the sake of donating". they talked abt how pple are questioning if those organisations who claimed that they are helping those in need are really helping or they're juz finding a way to earn money. DONT THOSE IDIOTS HAVE A HEART? in times like this, why would those buggers EVEN THINK of such things? DUN QUESTION OTHERS" SINCERITY if they dun hav the same giving heart.

i feel so disappointed to see pple not being affected by this natural disaster. how could they not?
everywhere, pple are laughing, enjoying the last few days of this year, thinking of how to end it perfectly, treating this issue as if it's none of our country's concern.

the number of pple killed, injured and lost. is this too high a price to pay for a wake up call?

i see this, as a slap God gave, right in our faces. As a gift He bestowed upon us to remind us for the many things we ought to be grateful, and that we shld treat mother nature better. we've been abusing her for far too long. longer than his patience level, higher than his limit. we cut away her precious children forests, burnt her beloved grandchildren while polluting the earth.

the tsunami will be remembered for years to come. i hope by the time our nation ages gracefully, we can stand up and say that we are proud to be there to help when disaster strikes. that together, we help to rebuild these countries, building bonds lasting far stronger than diplomatic ties while strengthening compassion.

sometimes, counting blessings is not enough. we have to take the necessary actions.

ending off this entry with a prayer. maybe at this point in time God cant be bothered abt our pleas. but when He finally sees the wonders of human nature, i'm sure he'll step in to help. he'll relent, and give us another chance. i hope i live to see the day. please God, curb ur rage.

my grandpa's 80th birthday today..

ate that 8+2=10 course teowchew style meal. FULL sia.. 1st few course sharks fin and abalone. till the last few courses the dishes are totally unappetizing.. bleahz..

slept darn early ytd night yet woke up damn late this afternoon.

had some disturbing dreams again. they seem to ruin my waking moments..

Christmas is over.. the special day lost its magical touch last night. the feel disappears like stardust in the night sky, leaving behing emptyness.

new year is coming.. but i dun hav any high hopes for this coming year.. i've learnt that making resolutions dont work and wishes dun come true that easily..

my journal is almost filled. left a few pages.. juz nice.. a book a year.. comparing my last few books with the recent one, i can see how i've progressed and matured. sense of accomplishment.

giving gifts. gift of giving.

Basking in the magical feel of this Xmas festive season or watever u all call it, i cant help but feel amazed at how extravagent S'poreans' lives are. Christmas is a season of peace, love, joy and most of all, giving. Giving gifts is an art and few people possesses it. When Dec 25 draws nearer, we see malls packed with last minute shoppers looking for presents and a mad scramble for the cashier before the queue goes one round and meet at the start.

often we see pple standing ard shelves for ages trying not to pull out all their hair and racking their brains thinking of a suitable present they "think" the receiver will like and is within their budget. we see pple hardly managing with the many bags they have while looking for more gifts.

However, while selecting gifts, shldnt we take into consideration something else? Between Dec 26 till Dec 31 when we make our new year resolutions is the length of time the presents are valued. after the hype of goft-giving during this wonderful day, the presents stay somewhere at home often out of sight. when new year comes, we set resolutions like "spring cleaning" and "unclutter my life." then the gifts come to mind. shld we throw, donate or use the things that we received? wat if i hav no use for them? i dun like it? but i need to cut down on space and mess. aint we humans stupid in this way?

season of giving. isnt a nice warm big hug enuff? it's a gift, from the heart. aint a sincere sweet "i love you" enough to melt your heart? cant a twinkle in the eye and a big smile plus unspoken care and concern touch your heart? cant a call from a love one makes ur heart stop for a second enough to make your day?

if the heart skips a beat juz because u see the twinkle of a diamond, the heavenly scent of a branded perfume, the glamorous feel of branded goods, then i think Xmas has lost it's true meaning of giving. saw QY's cousin's reaction when she receives that VERY expensive watch from her god-mom.. she was so excited and was running screaming towards and hugging her god-mum saying she love her, juz coz she receives an ex watch which she show off to all her friends..

we're here to spread love, pass on joy, expand hope and embrace peace.
Let's indulge and place focus on the gift of giving and not the giving of gifts..

xmas

1st things 1st:
Merry Christmas to all.

spent another year at Qianyi's aunt's house.. and the few of us were soooo amazed by QY's cousin's room, which includes a shoerack that contains 26 pairs of shoes.. and she got more than that!

the night was good except for this 2 particular bugger.. damn.. make the whole situation so embarassing.. and that older one reminds me of maurice.. he said "i've known this guy for 3 years and i'm getting married next year. i cant be there for him forever so i guess it's time he go into a relationship. he saw U(qianyi) last year and likes you." all the while he was standing in the middle of the life door, preventing us to get down. he finished off with a grand exit by extening his hands to his friend and wishing him good luck and all the best. okay. did i mention that guy got pushed into the lift? anyway, me and YP wanted to say "she got a bf" but i kept quiet coz it's Xmas and i dun wanna sound rude when i'm the guest.

the happiest moment in the entire evening was the few minutes we got so excited over the letters.. they off all the lights and the function room was illuminated with candles.. went talking at the playground for ages.. all the day i feel young. younger than usual.

didnt go to town with them after the celebration at Normanton park.. Last year's wrong choice of venue turned into a nightmare and i dun wanna risk repeating history.. went home in the end and spent the last few moments of Xmas eve in the cab chatting with YP..

*yawnz.. tml's grandpa's bdae.. red is the colour. *bleahz

rather angry at myself. felt stupid juz now. guess i haven got back to the pre-sick period.. i'm such a weakie.. the sun was exceptionally unbearable.. i was wondering how i got past my secondary school education with 2 years of NDP participation and 4 years of uniform grp life.. i almost gave up on St. Johns if not for my bunch of buddies i met in secondary 2. NDP scares the "whites" out of me and i took years to reduce the tan..

i've got used to the heat, somehow or another but the sun at tembusu today was bad.. maybe the fengshui at tembusu is terrible, i dunno. but somehow that angle by which the sun comes shining happily right at your face makes me irritated. back then, even when i march under the sun, we wont get the sun right in front of our faces ALL the time. it's diff now. there is only 1 direction by which we face and the afternoon sun hurts.. lost is the word when i cant see the arrows, or where exactly to aim. it's like doing something without knowing what u want or what happened.. i feel so out of control.. i find myself as sort of a control freak. i NEED to feel in control.. if not i'll go bonkers.. life crumbles.. watever~ dun think u all understand. i'm nuts..

for a moment during training, i felt almost as if the sun is mocking me, and also giving me that it's-the-season-of-hope,joy&love-so-let-us-share-and-indulge-in-this-ever-growing-happiness-and-be-optimistic-about-the-coming-year.. damn.. makes it seem as if the sun wants to show its full glory before it sets, telling me oh-how-wonderful-life-is.. damn.

i dunno when i start hating the sun. i remember i'm a person afraid of the cold so i'm pretty much alright coexisting with it. now it's almost unbearable. intolerable.. or maybe i've turned into a spiteful, irritating and ungrateful brat.

someone asked me why i looked so sad. and that i shld smile more. do i? i mean look sad?

saw adeline juz now.. the ger who i chat at night with during the malaysia trip.. someone who i haven been keeping in contact with although back then we were both so enthu abt meeting up.. it's been at least 3 years le bah.. was juz thinking abt her sometime back and the things she said then. wat a coincidence.. slept in the bus, as usual. i'm glad i didnt fell off the seat. now i'm having a headache and my eyes hurt. i guess i need rest.

Mr Peter Knipp's talk

was discussing MEIT proj outside LT18 when Chef Ng came, pat me on my back and "invites" aka "orders" us to go for the talk by Mr. Peter Knipp.

i never regret. at least he kept me entertained for an hr and a half.. the 1st lec since sch starts that i never fall asleep.

his talk is great except the fact that he walks around way too much and had too many gestures. that made me unfocused every now and then, spacing off quite often before focusing on the topics he brought up. he's very intimidating, and i was sitting at the 2nd row praying that he wont call on my to ask some chim qns that i have no answer to with that tone and that stare.

but i gained so much.. shall blog them down and share before i forgot..

i love this: he said [i dun employ certificates. i employ attitudes] when he interviewed his employees. he never looks at certs and qualifications. he continued with [skills i can teach. attitudes i cant.] doesnt that sound awesome?

he talked about passion. "passion needs to be accompanied with discipline. without that, u're screwed" it's true. we often talk about how much we love somthing, a job or a desire. but what is true passion if u dun hav the discipline to do what u muz in order to achieve what u want? he went on to say that success comes from hard work and effort, not luck coz even when luck is required for u to be in the right place at the right time, u urself need to create that opportunity to be present.

in addition, he mentioned this that i've talked about in one of my previous posts..
[future is based on the present which is built on the past] so the past is as important as the future. some pple live in "lala land" so he said, forgetting how important it is to live in the present and reflect and learn from the past. this made me feel so "connected" during the talk..

is skills enough in order to be good? "u can have a driving liscense but does that makes u a good formula one racer? all u learn is to step on pedals and adjust the stirring wheel" this is where experience comes in, and a whole lot more..

bringing the topic to cuisines, Mr Knipp gave his views about Asians not sharing knowledge. chefs not sharing their "secret recipes." and that sharing is essential for evolution.. that is why chinese food never changes much..

and we all knwo this "smiling requires less muscles than frowning" but why are there so many pple giving "black faces?" someone in one of the sunday times column brought up the point "why is the hospitality industry the most UNhospitable one?" and he said that it is very relevant in S'pore context.. how often do we grumble that we got to work shift work, complains when our frens ask us out and we got to work, giving that SH** word? and how many pple actually clear their own trays when they visit McDonald's?

besides that, how many chefs/ cooks are being recognised? waiters aint being respected. servers are being treated like "servents" coz they serve. u pay, we serve.

this makes sense too: "the hospitality industry requires u to 1) work long hrs, 2) low pay, 3) get abused, 4) no respect, 5) little recognition etc.." those that are in the industry muz be nuts.. we do those things that others think anyone muz be crazy to do so, meaning we do all the shitty jobs that pple dun want.. service is also linked to uneducated. u fail ur exams, u go to work in service line. u work in service, u are a failure.. that is the direct relation pple think of.. think of cooks and chefs pple immediately relate to "loud swearing, nose-digging, rough, barbaric" pple.. it's wrong..
talking about music.. pple who love classical pieces will remember the famous bach.. and why we remember him? coz he wrote many famous classical music pieces..

NOW, name a famous chef in the 1700.. lolx.. who will actually remember? there are countless composers in that era and anyone with the passion for music will be able to name a few as and then.. but those who love cuisines, love food, the art of dining.. who can actually think of a handful of chefs that famous? this is why they say chefs doesnt hav any recognition..

talking about discipline, Mr Knipp recalled his "gd old days" whereby his seconf grade teacher have him a slap. he said that he needed one at that time and that "we all need wake up calls in life every now and then.." and i agree.. u fall, u get up. u lose sense of direction in life, get into the wrong sides, u need that "something" to bring u right back in track..

besides all the above mentioned issues, this topic he talked about is what i've thought about. regarding internal and external customers.. both are vital to a company, hotel, org. communication is crucial in order to reach success.. there is a need to share satisfaction. this part of the talk reminded me of panpac.. remember i once said that i actually enjoys greeting internal staff than external ones? not that i dislike guests, but the "feel" is different. u know when u greet them, give them acknowledgement that we are all enjoying what we're doing, that we are all working hard for some reasons or another, that we are dedicated in doing our jobs well, we work together to give guests the best that we can offer. it's like having a common goal and working towards it.. to me, that generates more satisfaction..

and talking about the past. how can we evr forget our famous edison? that lightbulb inventor? he succeed on his 10000th try. he doesnt think that he's failed for 9999 times.. those tries are just a step in order for him to reach success.. there is no failure so long as u learn from ur mistakes..

talking about high class hotels in s'pore.. how can we elave out Ritz carlton? their ever famous motto [we are ladies and gentlemen serving ladies and gentlemen]
that is juz a way of instilling pride, reinforcing and giving recognition to staff but that message is so strong that every employee is proud to say that they work for the Ritz..

i've asked this qn a hundred and one time.. who determines what gd service is? the customers? in order to know, u muz first experience. and the fact that many s'poreans are stingy doesnt help the hospitality industry at all.. we dunno what is gd svc so we dunno how to provide gd svc actually..

when we say that hospi is a subset of tourism, does that mean that there are parts of tourism that doesnt include any hospitality component?

the chinese much talked about yin yang issue.. there is the ying and the yang, and the "ba gua" mirror.. the examples were to start off another topic.. they all boil down to "balance.." we muz achieve balance in life..
question: how we know if something is good?
answer is: when there is somehting bad to compare against.
without the bad, we wont know what is good. vice versa.

Mr Knipp told us that he once employed a degree holder. that young lady quits after about a yr, saying that he doesnt respects her degree at all.. he told us that he also employed a housewife who got no qualifications and when the young lady got so insulted over the "no respect" issue, he told her that in the university of life, the housewife got 3 ph.Ds.. and many of us are still stuck without even completing out primary 5 education.. life is not all about certs.. it's abt who u are..

do u have what it takes to survive in the industry? are you one of the many that wants to be a manager? are you one of the 9 out of the 10 that wants to own a business within the next 10 years? are you one who want to be in the hospi industry simple coz u love the interaction between and with pple? are you one who follows what ur parents say and want u to do?

all i can say now is, follow your heart. i did.

point to note: all quotations in this entry is NOT 100% accurate.. i recalled all these from memory so no doubt there will be some slight inaccurate information.. hope u enjoyed this entry as much as i did recalling the issues.. =)

blog entries..

blog hop a bit more and u'll realise a trend. most of us keeps harping on the same issues time and again. some blog about how the past and that they've got over things, forgotten about things and so on. compared to those that keeps stressing that they cannot seem to let go, these pple are those that really live in the past. because they cant get out of that vicious cycle of reminding themselves of what happened, they sort of bluff their minds to believe false truths.

these pple constantly feel a sense of guilt so they hav to keep emphasizing that they've already let go and move on.. this is to ensure that they keep the lie they live is convincing enough so that they can "mask" things and get on with normal life..

another type of pple is that they beat around the bush.. when u read, u'll hav to decipher alot of things and make alot of wild guesses that u dun even know if you're correct coz u cant ask anyway.. and those pple frequently drop so many subtle hints and some make no sense to u at all that u dunno which ones to believe.. and those posts are ever so confusing.. you dunno what mood the person is in and whether the perosn needs help or what.. these pple, they want to share but somehow, something is holding them back.. you know it but u cant help coz u dunno if that is a sensitive issue and the person might not want to let u in the secret..

some pple post entries as if they're giving a full report of their lifves. others flood their blogs with questions that pple other than themselves couldnt answer and u wonder why they even post it in the 1st place.. some leave feelings of extreme hatred or guilt in the things they say that make u wonder if life is really so bleak and that there is nothing good about life. more often than not, we talk about the past as if it's our present and future. we elaborate on memories and thoughts that might be irrelevant in the future..

and why do we hold fast to memories? for they give meaning to the future.. dont they?

after saying so much, haven u realised? all that i've said, i can relate to. can you? somehow or another?

temple etiquette onegaishimasu

i guess we should have temple etiquette.. went to "xie tai sui" today at a temple in east coast.. and it's horrible the way those aunties "cheong" and push to light the candles and joss sticks and all.. they should in fact, form 2 lines and queue up for their turn to light joss sticks and candles. form a line and wait for their turn when burning incense. it is so rude to cut queue. and there should be "keep quiet" and "no running in the temple" rules that children and adults should abide to. somehting like the library. and why those aunties so kiasu? it's not as if u go first then the dieties would look after you more.. AND i simple cant stand those pple who put their joss sticks soooo close to the side of the watever-u-call-that(joss container or sth).. the sticks are at an angle and the inner side is relatively empty.. y cant they just "station" their joss sticks nearer to the back when there is space and not simply stick them to the "outer rim" and blocking the way. when they do so, they prevent other pple from enjoying the luxury of offering joss sticks without burning their hands.. it is soooo unethical so to say..

choices..

when important decisions are to be made, more frequently than not, there'll be two or more important factors to be considered and usually u'll be in a dilemma..

thinking back about the 1st 3 months in AJ, i realised i have so many things i want to study, so many jobs i want to go into..

i want to study physiotherapy and be a physiotherapist in the future but that stupid course is only offered to A level holders.. and the thought of wasting 3 yrs (2 yrs plus 1 yr for waiting of results) deters me.. i'm not so nobel as to postpone my poly education..

i want to go into optometry coz there is a demand for optometrist in s'pore. when i graduate with the diploma, i'll definitely find a job with a higher-starting pay than normal jobs.. and that course is limited to only 28 places in the WHOLE OF SINGAPORE. i'm proud to say that i got in.. SP sent me the registration package but i rejected that offer coz i got into hospitality..

wanting to go into that 2 areas was something that i never thought about until the 1st 3 months time.. i had a chat with my chinese teacher in AJ and she gave me a lot of advice.. although she teaches in JC, she never once belittles pple who go to polytechnics, unlike some others.. she gave me alot of encouragement and support me in making that BIG decision as i was one of the VERY FEW that actually even THOUGHT of going to poly..

thinking abt physiotheraphy, i want to be able to spur pple on, help in making them well again. together with my effort, i hope i can contribute to pple in this small way. from kids to teens to the elderly.. it's a "grand" job to me.. i'll be able to cultivate patience and tolerance there and gain immense satisfaction in my job when the patients recover.. and when those pple feel like giving up, when they are at the edge of hope, i wish i could be there to motivate them to move on, slowly and steadily.. i hope to see the passion pple have for life, their struggle to fight for the right to be "right" again.. i will be abble to talk to patients and learn so much about life that i cant anywhere else.. it's not like i will be able to get such "magical moments" if i work in any other places..

for optometry, i gave up that idea coz i couldnt bear the thought of looking and studying eyes for 3 years, then working around "eyes" in research department in hospitals, or specs shops for my next 30 or so years, den when my eyesight is failing, i need OTHER optometrist to "look" at eyes AGAIN.. it's like a whole lifetime of eyes.. endless and routine.. but i dun mind routine jobs.. so that's not really a problem.. and sometimes, i WONER IF I SHOULD actually regret not taking that course.. my relatives and even friends of theirs made negative remarks about me not GRABBING the chance to study that subject.. they commented that it's stupid of me to give up that GOLDEN opportunity.. but i did. 2 yrs ago.. lolx.. if they really want it, why not ask THEIR children to study that?

but now, i'm happily ocntented in TP, studying hospitality.. i got into this industry when there is a recession and that all i could do is to be optimistic about MY future, looking forward to 3 years time when i get my diploma and my endless job prospect.. at that point in time, all i can do is to trust the leaders of s'pore to make our small island's economy get up after that great fall.. and i'm glad my "instincts" are correct coz it's picking up and i hope it'll peak soon.. lolx..

and hospi is great isnt it? it combines the element that is needed in all industry.. SERVICE.. haha.. okie.. who will actually convince themselves that their course is so lousy that noone wants to go in? lolx.. of course all of us are proud to be part of the course and feel happy about that.. i know i am..

choices.. if i did not take this road 2 years back, i wouldnt hav met so many of my frens and learn so many interesting things that i would not be able to in other courses( as if i am able to learn what they're learning.. :P) haha.. i couldnt be what i am today. and i'm pretty much happy with they way i turn out to be.. :) the future holds something that i dunno.. so there's no use worrying about that.. i am learning to NOT think so much.. "Fang kai" as they always say.. that's my problem.. :) learning, to change, for the better..

cleared an entry that i WANT to post juz now..

anyway, did i mention i love the sony handycam advertisement? the one that incorporates culture and hi-tech equipment? the one with the very "traditional" and "song" backgrd music.. to me, it's a *STAR advert.. most of the sony adverts are good.. like the "double ok" adverts that feature little girls doing those all-so-innocent-poses.. i love them..and the cyber-shots adverts.. somehow they got the "appeal" factor.. great job by the marketing department..

went for team meeting in school today.. and i'm so amazed with loony for even noticing that. he brought up things that made me wonder if he reads my blog.. lolx..

anyway, i find that pple shld actually exclude me from meetings coz i dun contribute.. i juz sit comfortably and waste time slacking.. so y bother to even hav me there when i cant help in any way.. lolx.. and i forget.. a meeting is the last place i would say sth that i really wanna say.. lolx.. and that defeats the purpose of having a meeting..

so many things happened in a day and i realised i got lost somehow, in my own thoughts..

from the meeting to panpac to palm gardens.. it's an eventful day.. right from the moment i opened my eyes till now.. so much so that i actually ALMOST forgotten all about having the archery meeting in the morning.. somehow my brain cells can only store things within an hr of the event happening.. and that's bad coz i cannot remember alot of stuff.. that i want to remember..

motivation.. to do well.. i am motivated mentally but physically i'm still not in par with my mental.. the drive force of my state of mind is unable to fuel the need to excel.. well, this is NOT a problem about commitment and passion and what not.. it's a problem of a body and mind struggle.. okie.. watever~ i dunno wat i'm saying.. too tired i guess, after a damn long day.. shall stop here.. so sorry there's NOTHING interesting abt this post and it's not entertaining.. watever~ i go write my journal le.. crap shall stop here.

the wonders of the brain

was talking to my mom juz now and we started on the topic abt MM Lee.. was on to the topic coz susan goh talked abt motivating staff by giving gala dinner and she gave the example abt having a dinner wif him coz it's priceless.. so there i was suddenly thinking of that topic and brought up the whole thing abt Lee..

from his younger days rallying that gave s'pore our history, till now, s'pore owes everything to him.. almost everything in fact.. arbo we'll now be a second malaysia with those lousy roadlamps and such.. he's what i call a "contributor" to the society.. a fabulous example.. in school we're always taught to "give back" what we have to the society. in chinese "qu zu yu she hui, yong zu yu she hui".. but how many of us can actually be like him?

from his past "contributions", till now, everyone respects him.. when u ask someone from other country who or what represents s'pore, our icon, i guess the majority if not all, would say Mr LKY.. i did this survey by a group of Japanese University studetns when i was working in panpac. the questionnaire includes these qns : 1)who do i think is the most famous japanese in s'pore and 2) who do i think is the most famous s'porean in japan.. without a doubt, i put LKY.. juz like another of my colleague.. he's so famous that i'm proud to say he'll DEFINITELY generates ALOT of revenue for our tourism industry and brings abt ALOT of free publicity for our small island when he kick the bucket.. delegates from all over the world would be here to pay respect and of course it is a high yield "situation" that brings abt large volume of revenue and spark off the ripple effect of our economy.. imagine the number of pple and reporters present, the service, the number of rooms that would be occupied in local hotels, the number of ancillary services they would need, the F&B revenue they bring... oh my.. the prospects and benefits are endless. but that is a pity.. coz the world would be short of one bright star...

but from the bottom of my heart, i really wish that i could be like him.. imagine from the day u CAN contribute to YOUR country, till the day u die, even AFTER u die, u'll bring about positive impacts to YOUR country's economy, contributing in a million and one ways, benefiting so many areas in the industry.. THAT is what i call a TRUE "contributor".

it's not that i wanna boast.. but how many pple besides MM Lee is able to bring about a "wonder" as great as this? we see examples like Princess Diana, Mother Theresa and of course Theresa Teng.. that's the only 3 examples i can think of.. i remember Theresa Teng's "grand affair" when she's gone.. i take a look at the news on TV and think:" how MUCH flowers are present at the memorial service alone? the florists are gonna be rich!"

okie.. think i'm digressing le.. shall keep quiet.. sounds bad though.. oh.. and imagine his autobiography.. will be reprinting so the companies doing publishing would earn quite alot.. den some more autors will be out with new books like "MM Lee, the pillar of S'pore" "The S'pore icon." and "What would we be today if there's no him back then?"

haha.. shant say anymore le.. *zip

loneliness and sickness

loneliness strikes on 2 occasions.
1) when u least expected
2) when u most anticipate

personally i prefer the former, and absolutely loathe the latter.. it's like registering in your mind what u already thought of before.. and it's irritating when the "truth" sinks in..

another thing. i dislike giving names to illness or sickness. for example, why call a flu a flu and a cold a cold? y muz we label the diseases causing bacteria and virus that are giving us hell? y muz we acknowledge their presence? do they even deserve to be properly named? we shldnt give them the honour shld we?? by giving them the "correct term", wont we be thinking "i am now suffering from a cold and thus i am sick." if we juz ignore the fact that we are obviously under the influence of some microorganisms, den wont we be simply "weak"? and isnt that so much nicer? maybe i'm so called "running away from the truth" but i cant deny the fact that i dun like "naming" "them."

juz like last wekk.. i had a "fever" and i keep thinking i am warm and my body was emiting heat.. and true enuff, i did and i feel cold coz i emit heat.. and it's darn irritating when that "fever" got worse and there i go thinking "i can almost feel my body temperature rising" and kept taking out the thermometer and measuring my temperature over and over again and true enough, my worse fears were confirmed.. everytime i "think" the degree got higher, i measure and my guesses never once fail me..

and that is bad coz i cant help but feel "what if i got dengue fever and got admitted into SGH?" "what if the doc says i muz stay at home for one week and cant go to sch?" "what if this fever damaged my brain somehow and i become stupid?" so many wat ifs..

fears: of tomorrow. of going to sleep and waking up with half the brain cells i have and half the ability to do what i can in the past. fear of never fully recovering and thus having to face with disabilities for the rest of my life.. and it's damn sad coz i cant help feeling bad and weak at the same time..

but 1 good thing out of this situation was that i revert back to a little kid.. what i ought to be when i was young.. :) and i am very happy abt that..

i sleep in lectures, i sleep in tutorials, i sleep when i'm tired and i sleep when i'm not. i sleep when i'm sick, when i feel tired when i'm well. i sleep on the way to school and i sleep on my way home. i am able to enjoy the shut-off-from-the-world-moment by taking naps.. so tired.. think i sleep too much le.. up to the point my frens dun even bother to wake me up when they see me sleeping.. and tutorials are such a bore.. 10 mins into the tutorials i sleep.. and wake up at intervals.. this has turned into a habit and habits aint that easy to change.. i've been thru this for the past 3 sems.. so it's difficult to change back... guess i'll stick to this lazy-pig-sleep-sleep-sleep routine till the end of this sem bah..

i'm tired. shall say nothing more. i feel sick reporting my life here. sicker still.

dying to get out.

being at home reminds me that i am sick and that i shld
1) drink more of that supposedly tasteless H2O
2) rest more

and that makes me feel so useless.. and the more i keep thinking i want to get well, somehow, my body cant work as hard to recover.. and i'm pissed coz even after taking the medicine and all, i dun see any improvement in my condition. and it certainly doesnt help not able to eat anything nice. no fried food, no tea, no chocolates, no sweets.. i cant only alternate water and water with chuan bei pi pa gao. sounds pathetic huh..

and i try not to cough coz my throat hurts so that means that even if i want, even if i'm bored, i cant sing! and i feel stupid coz the sickness is taking control over my body..

many ILLS are born of fatigue and loneliness. as much if not more den fears.

charlene gave me a purple dreamcatcher today. something she bought from Australia..

this is like my 4th or 5th dreamcatcher gift from friends. so why dreamcatcher i wonder.. did i tell them i like? coz i dun recall saying. but it's beautiful.

christmas is coming and it's the rainy season. there's nothing better in the world. chocolates, turkey, cocktails, fun, countdown, sleepover, talks..

i wonder how it feels like to decorate a christmas tree.. to buy the tree, the lightings, the decorations, and so on, den put them together and set everything up in one corner of the house and on it when the season is near. how it feels to off all the lights at home besides those on the tree and juz sit there and indulge in the festive mood and get the feel of magic in the air...

when i moved house 5-6 yrs back, i remember seeing one in my neighbour's house, not in recent years.. and what about the family a few blocks away who never fail to decorate the trees outside their house during the end of the year and will invite lots of pple for gatherings? i never see that anymore.. and it's a pity.. xmas is diff without chrismassy lightings..

i tell u what. i got to go rest somehow.. heaven sent so many signals down to advise me to rest well. and the thunder-signs got louder each time so i think i better go and occcupy myself with some activities that require minimal brain usgae. nite pple.. and gd luck to the archery team for the com.. too bad i cant join u all this yr.. will hav to wait for the next one.. :( see ya next nxt training..

i guess all i wished for thru that 4 days was for someone to ask "how are u?" lolx.. lame?

and i want to go for the com.. i want to shoot.. i miss the thrill of the event, the "picnic" mood, the dinner after that.. i guess it's a habit, a very comfortable routine that the team sticks to for as long as i remember.. shooting has never been as stress, or as easy and stress-free as during competition. i love the anticipation, everything. now the thought that i'll hav to lie in bed thruout the 2 days make me feel worse.. and my cough wont go away either.. someone plz help..

fever marathon.. the longest for as long as i remember

i've been lying in bed since sunday so much so that my body refused to slp last night.

the fever is driving me mad coz the temperature fluctuates.. everyday, it'll hit 39, 40 without fail.. and i hate the medicine.. i feel worse after taking it.. it gives me headache when it's supposed to cure it.. damn..

i've been going to sch looking so terrible that my frens couldnt recognise me from near.. and i'm so tired i juz feel like slping the whole day..

i dun even hav the energy to blog for the past few days, even at my cousin's house.. went to the polyclinic ytd.. did a full blood count, the doc told me if 3 days ltr my fever still doesnt go away, den i'll hav to go and do that blood test again.. i wasted more den 2 hrs there, feeling worse before going to my grandpa's house. luckily my cousin was there wif me.. arbo ltr i faint i also dunno who can help me sia..

i dunno wat the medicine's side effects are, but it sure is torturing..

these few days, i feel as if i am better off dead.. now i know why they say frens and family are impt especially when u're sick. coz when u're suffering alone on that big bed, feeling as terrible as can be, at least there is someone who comes to ur bedside, showing u wif lots of love, care and concern.. i think that is what keeps pple going.. that glimpse of hope.

went to see 2 diff docs.. the 2nd one told me i got a viral fever, watever that is, it sure doesnt sounds good.. coz virus is worse den bacteria mah.. i dunno why i got hit for sooooooooo many days.. was thinking the reason why i feel 10 times worser than my last time fever was becoz when u nv fall really sick for quite a long period of time, the effects, the pain, everything got maximised to give u hell.

i was sooo scared that the 40 degrees fever will burn my brain and i'll become stupid.. or i'll lose part of my memory or what.. luckily i didnt.. thank god.. or maybe it's too early to say..

up till now, i'm still wondering why i willingly agreed to work 10 hrs ytd, extending my time from 7 to 9 pm.. wat was i waiting for exactly? magic at 11 pm? or was it due to my relectance to leave?

and why do i feel sad when i leave and the bell side wished me all the best and good luck? i dun remember feeling like that when i leave sakae.

i guess part of the gloomy feeling is due to my need to be ard pple.. in search for sth that i dunno. i guess i need more friends, although i always disagree that one shld hav as many frens as possible.. working there allows me plenty of opportunities for interaction.. maybe i'm not so much of a C person. i hav more "I" characteristics than i think i have.

and so sorry if i give u the impression that my uniform is a suit. actually i'm wearing this horrible atik top with black skirt. it's so terrible that u wont recognise me even if u walk pass. maybe that's more of a plus point. :)

bad luck with electronic devices recently. that explains my blog block coz lots of thoughts didnt managed to get captured.

came to notice alot of things recently.. maybe work enables me to see it clearer. many expectations in the past are just useless hopes, insignificant and senseless criterias..

i enjoy work. not only from the satisfaction i get, but also the pple i mix ard with. they showed me another side of life, taught me so many new things that i am ashamed of myself.

many thanks to Hairul for sharing his interview experience. noone at work knows abt my blog. that makes it all the more better. anyway, i learnt so much from what he said that deep down, i have the need to share with the rest of you in the hope that u feel as much as i do about it.

wat is the thing you live your life by? your motto, the "rule" or whatever u all call it.. he told me for him, it's GST. GST in the sense that G=greet, S=smile, T=thanks.

example given by him was: if u see ur mom, u'll greet her (hi mom), and following that action comes the smile (it's natural) then when ur mom gives u sth, u'll automatically say "thanks".. isnt that wonderful. trapped between the 2 noisy renovation areas that are testing my sanity level and pushing and testing the limit, i became so awed by that simple "sharing session" that i felt so refreshed, so good after tt..

i see the wonders of friends. maybe that's what i call job satisfaction. not only by what you get out of work, but also what u learnt from the pple ard u.. Onran taught me the beauty of service, Maslan showed me the wonders of kindness, Faizal displayed that sunshine attitude thruout that makes even the "darkest" moments shine, hairul enlightened me with his constant little stories, and not to forget the rest of them. mohan for his wide knowledge abt the area, syed for his many actions that made the job fun, and many others who brighten up my day wif simple god sent words or actions that made my dread-y holiday job a fulfilling one. too many to list. juz wanna thank everyone for making my 1 and a half months so great. i dun feel that useless now.

and how can i forget Mr Tanaka and Mr Zhang? the 2 little bears and the angel clip? tml might be my last day. i dunno.. part of me wants to stay, part of me wants to leave. i want to stay coz i can get satisfaction from the job, i want to leave coz i want to concentrate on studies and put more effort in what i think i ought to do now coz work can leave till later. but i'm afraid my enthusiasm will run out. i'm afraid, afraid of repeating history, scared of facing the same thing twice. feel stupid wanting to do well in my studies now that i've been out in the working world and realised that the cert is juz a piece of junk. who cares how many Zs and As u have? noone. who cares how many Fs u get? noone. pple judge u by how well u work, not by how good your grades are. they dun care if u are an excellent student in school. they want to know if u can handle ur job well, help in service recovery and bring the company to greater heights.. who cares abt results by then? thse little slips the school send tu you..

my mnrgs, the recpetion staffs, the concierge staffs, reservation staffs, fellow associates. most of them are from shaltec.. and i used to think that pple who go there are mostly those that are not able to enrol in a course that they like that's y they go there in search of a better course in exchange with a little bit more money.. but they're juz like u and me. they can do a job as well if not better, they are good.

and i am more convinced that i can make it in the service sector. knowing this, i cant help but =]